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need advice about my boyfriend...

2K views 19 replies 11 participants last post by  Virtue23 
#1 ·
I'm in a wierd situation. my boyfriend and I have been together for a while. We got together last january and he broke up with me right before christmas. I was absolutely devastated, and have never felt worse in my entire life than I did at that time. After a couple months I started to build myself back up and finally got kind of ok... I wouldn't cry if we happened to talk online or something. I ran into him at starbucks and walked out of the conversation completely fine, even after he hugged me. But later that night, after we hung out more, he tells me he still loves me and cares about me. I did too. So we got back together. That was in April. We're still together now, but at first it seemed like it was SO much better than it ever was before. It doesn't seem like that anymore. He hasn't said he loves me, even though we said it the first time we were together, and I haven't said it because I don't want the sort of response I might get. Lately, its more about when HE wants to hang out, and I'm always waiting for him to call me. I feel bad a lot, and I feel like he hates me and that I'm kind of just 'there' to him, to be around when hes ready for me and, for the sex. I've asked him before if it's all about sex and he's always told me no, and always told me that he DOES care about me. But he's...selfish. He really doesn't try to do anything for me. He doesn't know how unhappy I can be sometimes. Like the time last week when we went to the beach at night and we were both laying looking at the stars, I started crying pretty heavily because I thought of all the pain that I had gone through over the course of the past 1 1/2 years, when I happened to be with him. I hid it from him.

The thing is, I care about him. I don't want him to NOT be in my life. I really am having a difficult time with this, because I dont know how he'd take it IF I broke up with him. there's no way of telling if he'll be sad or if he'll just be like 'beh, ok'. I just can't imagine not being around him anymore, its like its something I'll have to get used to AGAIN. Take him back OUT of my life when I finally put him back in. But everyone tells me that I deserve so much better, he's still in love with his ex from three years ago (which devastates me and makes me wonder what was so wrong with me that he could never love me like that....and why I wasn't good enough to fill that void in him) at this point, I feel kind of like I'm USED to him and my entire life would have to change. I'm lonely, and I have a boyfriend. I can't imagine the loneliness I would feel if I DIDN'T. I want somebody by me, to hold and to cuddle and to love me. I have friends who love me and I know are there but I feel like, lame as it is, I need a special someone like that. because it's all i ever wanted, a boyfriend who will love and cuddle and treat me like the princess everyone tells me I deserve to be treated like.

basically, I dont know what to do. I'm not sure if, do I break up with him, I'd end up happier or just really depressed even though I got myself out of a sad situation. I dont know HOW to break up with him, if I can. at the end of september he leaves to northern california for three months. then I could just tell him that its not going to continue when he comes back, but it would devastate me to say that and SHOULD it hurt him I don't want him going off to have his escape time in a bad place. I dont know if I should just wait, or do something now...

on the plus side, being around my friends DOES make me feel good about myself, pretty, even. They all love me and tell me I'm beautiful and that I deserve to be treated like a princess.

Oh, and then theres the one friend who, after knowing for 6 years, I finally decided that I DO have a thing for. problem is...I dont know what would happen with THAT because hes a really nice, cool guy, but a guy that was in love with me for 5 years and I always turned him down. I think it really hurt him, and I don't know how to tell him that I don't feel like I used to feel. we walked alone together yesterday and I just wanted to jump up and wrap my arms around him.

AUGH. maybe I kind of needed a rant, I'm sorry, but if anyone has any opinions they'd like to share, I'd really appreciate it. thanks.
 
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#2 ·
Porvida: The hardest breakup I ever had in my life was with someone who told me they hated me all the time and deliberately did mean things to me. When I broke up with her, I mourned our breakup for a good 5 years. It really was one of the worst times of my life. I don't regret it one bit, though.

If I had settled for someone who took me for granted, only understood me so she could manipulate me the way she wanted to, and really did not give a **** whether I felt good or enjoyed myself, I never would have found somebody who does, because I would not have been available for that person to find me.

I know you love this guy, and this may sound sacreligious and selfish, but it is true: You must love yourself even more. You must love yourself enough to not let other people hurt you. You must love yourself enough to get up and leave from a situation where you are not getting the love and attention you deserve, even though you may break your own heart for quite a while. If you just say, "Oh well... I could have better, but this is good enough.", you won't ever have what you could have. Nobody deserves to be taken for granted, and if you need some sort of confirmation: YOU ARE BEING TAKEN FOR GRANTED in a huge way. I wouldn't be having sex with somebody who's going to be gone until they're horny again. They can go to a sex shop instead. Ahem...

And what the freak is up with people dumping people before Christmas???
 
#4 ·
The fact that you feel terrible about yourself when you're with him is not a good sign. I was in a relationship like that, and it didn't end well, as one would expect. You deserve to be with someone who makes you feel as wonderful as you are. And you are wonderful, so don't ever think otherwise. Obviously, it would hurt to break up with him, but you need to do what's healthiest for you. If you can't love yourself when you're with him, then you need to leave. You said you're worried about what would happen to you with him gone and you need to know that you have a strength inside of you stronger than you realize. You aren't happy in this situation and it needs to change. It may not be easy but you are going to have to make this change if you're ever going to be truly happy. You deserve this happiness. You have it when you're with your friends, but you should have it in ALL aspects of your life. You need to put yourself first; you need to love yourself most of all. I cannot stress this enough.
 
#7 ·
Hey sweety. I agree with what Froggy said, and would also like to add my own $.02. My ex was abusive, but I loved him. He always told me to do sit ups, even though I was skinny. He would come to pick me up, and tell me I didn't have enough makeup on, so I'd go put on a little more... Then he'd tell me I looked like a whore. He told me I was great in bed, but then told me it was because I must have had a lot of experience (which I didn't really) and that made me a slut. This guy broke me down and broke me down, until I had no self esteem, then would comfort me I think so I would stay with him. He said some of the crappiest things to me, but then at other times, made me feel like I was the most precious thing to him. He would write me beautiful letters, and leave these mushy messages on my pager. (yeah, it was a while ago) This guy made me CRAZY!! Finally, we'd been together for like a year when he told me who I could and couldn't hang out with. He backed me up against a wall and raised his hand to me like he was going to hit me, and that was it. I waited until he left and my mom got home, then I called him and started to break up with him. He showed up on my doorstep crying and saying he 'needed' me and all that. We were split up for like 2 weeks. In the 2 weeks, he started drinking and doing other things he'd never done. I went out and found my man. (my hubby) My ex called me saying that it was all my fault that he was drinking.... Then 2 days later my friend called me up and told me to go get a newspaper... the idiot had wrecked his motorcycle running from the police and was in a coma. So, of course I went down to the hospital in a panic, and saw him in ICU. He was full of tubes and on a respirator. All his limbs were shattered, as well as his hip. His left lung was puntured... This of course made me more crazy.... I hung around the hospital for weeks until he got better. He told me that he only 'pulled through' because he knew I'd be waiting. He said he heard me talking to him when he was in a coma... I didn't believe him, but he repeated to me everything I said to him. Well anyway, when he got out of the hospital, we were sort of seeing each other, (which my now hubby was incredibly understanding about) until he started his old crap again, and I broke up with him again... By this time, I was already falling for my now hubby, so it was easier to cope with the break up with my ex. BUT my ex started following me to work and to my now hubby's house, and I guess was stalking me... My hubby threatened him, a few times, and he backed off. Anyway, sorry that was so long... My advice to you would be to talk to this guy... See what he's thinking. Tell him how you feel used. If nothing changes, dump his a$$ before he makes you crazy. It took me years to get over the damage that my ex did to my self esteem. I'm really lucky, because my hubby treats me like gold. I haven't met you yet, but have read many of your posts and seen a few pics in the gallery... you are beautiful, and from your posts, you are very intellegent and you definately deserve to be loved and cherished.
You're sill young and you've got a lot going for you. Any guy would be lucky to have you!!
 
#8 ·
You know I would never give you advice if I thought it would hurt you in the end.

It sounds like you really know what to do, but are having trouble coming to terms with the fact that you feel the way you do. It's one of the most difficult things in the world to leave someone you love, even if you do know that you are unhappy with them. It seems there is always the feeling that haunts you and makes you wonder if things will change. It's so easy to let months pass by, telling yourself that things will change.

As for worrying about how he will feel, that's completely understandable. However, as others have said, you need to think of yourself first. You can't make the decision to stay with someone who makes you unhappy, simply because you don't want to hurt that person. I JUST went through the same thing and honestly, I'm still dealing with the feelings of self-loathing that come from doing so. However, I also know that I am happier, and quite honestly, feel a sense of pride that I did what I needed to do.

There really are two possibilities if you're unhappy. Either you stay with him and things get better, or you move on. If you honestly believe everything can be worked out, then sit down and talk with him and see how he reacts. Afterwards, if it still seems like nothing will change, then you will really know what you need to do.

As always, I'm around if you need to talk.
 
#9 ·
thanks justin


I talked to him last night, not about EVERYTHING, but just about how sometimes I'm unhappy because he hasn't called me and I take it as he doesn't want to see me and that he doesn't care about me. I told him how sometimes my friends will say things, and one of my friends really doesn't like him and says things like 'he OBVIOUSLY doesn't love you or care about you, he doesn't give a SH** about you!" and that it really hurts me when my friend says that..because that's how it appears, i guess, and I don't think its true but it hurts for an outsider to say that. Then we got talking about how it bothered him that things lke that happen...he said that he really cares about me, and that I probably assume he doesn't want to see me if he doesn't call, but I can ALWAYS call him if I want to talk or see him. It was nice to hear, with emotion, that he cares and that he doesn't mean to hurt me or for me to take things the way I do and that's not his intention. We talked about including one another in activities with our friends, like he invited me to a party at a coworker's house even though I don't know them well, but they thought I seemed 'cool'. It made me feel a lot better, we cuddled and talked and he seemed really happy to just sit and relax with me. He was hugging me and holding my hand and smiling just to be around, and it made me happy. He's going to go up to northern california for a few months soon, and I still have to decide what to do then because I don't want to have to sit around waiting, not knowing when he'll come back and what will happen then...

but thank you guys, it means a lot
 
#10 ·
Quote:
he said that he really cares about me, and that I probably assume he doesn't want to see me if he doesn't call, but I can ALWAYS call him if I want to talk or see him.
That works both ways. He SHOULD call you, without you calling him. Saying "Well you can always call me!" seems like an excuse.

Just be careful, alright? When relationships are on the edge of breaking apart, it's so easy to find small things to hold onto, even when it may not be the best decision. What I mean is, despite all the bad things that surround a relationship, and all the feelings you have which lead you to believe it won't work out, it's easy to hear something small and convince yourself that everything will be alright. Trust me, I've been there. However, all of this is just a part of life, I'm afraid, and something which you kind of have to learn through trial and error. Sadly, relationship advice never really comes in the form of a "Do this and everything will work out perfectly" sort of answer.
 
#11 ·
yeah, i know. i dont want to be clinging on some thread just hoping it will work. Im still thinking, but I DO believe him when he says he cares, and that was one of the big things I was doubting. it's not the best relationship in the world, that's true, and I don't want to 'settle' but we do enjoy eachothers' company. hmm.
 
#13 ·
i dunno.....it seems like it would be weird being friends with him without being able to hold his hand or sit with him or something. I have friends who will be there for me if something happens..and he probably would be, too, if we weren't together. ah relationships suck!
 
#14 ·
I think you should consider more seriously breaking up with his guy and going for the other one. Try spending time away from guy two, and see if you still think about him. Do you wonder what he's doing? If you're thinking about him more than guy one, you may be better off with him.

Wahh, I broke up with someone on December 20th, once. It needed to be done, and I waited too long (I'd been trying to since about October). I don't know if it being so close to Christmas affected him or not.

Don't wait too long to break up with someone. I needed to be prodded and prodded by a friend, who know I wanted to break up with him but didn't have the courage.
 
#15 ·
I think I've been thinking about it and decided I don't really want to date someone in my group of friends. it might seem 'mean' but i REALLY want to date a vegan, as my life will be so much easier and I think it's an amazing thing to have in common with someone. I want to go out and meet new cool people and all that.
 
#16 ·
hmm, I think second chance relationships are a bad idea unless something has actually changed (lingering bitterness from the first doesn't help). What did you think of the ending to Eternal Sunshine? I mean I think they got back together knowing it wouldn't work, just because they wanted the memories, certainly people can cherish memories of relationships that didn't work out alright. but it's a different thing to pretend it will be better without anything changing or that you can replay the same happiness. Go read The Unbearable Lightness of Being

"happiness is the longing for repetition." -milan kundera

I've known a lot of people that hung on to highschool romances longer than they should have, they have a lot of nostalgia. you can regret making the right choice at times because you're actually regretting change, it's very Hamletesque.

the friend attraction sounds like it could be a reaction to something missing between you and your boyfriend, or not. relationships with friends can be so good but equally risky, so I think you shouldn't make any sudden moves on that front till your on solid ground again.
 
#17 ·
yeah im back with more boy-help needed.

ok so, my ex boyfriend just moved to northern california for a few months, not for school or anything just because he needed a place to 'live' (he was always welcome at my house or his dads but couldn't live on a couch, so he said) until he can move back into his dads house here to go back to school. ok. well we broke up when he left. this is the same guy who broke up with me a couple days before christmas and i ended up getting really upset and sick and not a good story, whatever. but we got back together and did ok, the only problem is I would feel really hurt sometimes because he's always been emotionless and never seemed like he cared about me. him leaving me was really painful when he first decided it, because it meant he was WILLING to leave me. I thought about it so much and cried about it so much before he left that I think I almost came to terms with it and accepted it...and when he DID leave, I was pretty much ok.

I have planned a trip to go visit my friend in Chicago.

this friend is really close, and we had interest in each other and kind of a thing but he ended up getting serious with a girl and we werent going to ruin that so it ended. and then I got back with my ex and this other boy and i couldn't be together.

well now we CAN, at least for that week and then i dont know, we'll figure something out later. but im really, really looking forward to actually being free in whatever happens.

but sean, my ex, found out about it and is PISSED. NOW he misses me and cares about me and cant watch me hurt myself. he has a really low opinion of max, my friend, and thinks he'll definately just use me and that he doesnt care about me and that I'm afraid of being alone and I'm just running for comfort.

thing is, i swear i'm NOT! I dont feel like I need comfort. i just want to get something solved, patched up, and experienced guilt-free when I can. I CAN now. but Sean just thinks im going to crash and burn.

I almost feel like I'm ok enough to be friends with sean! I got the impression that he only told me we *might* get together when he came back, but that he never really intended to. I ACCEPTED THAT. but I still care about him and want to be his friend.

but now hes basically saying he can't watch me get hurt? am I completely wrong to believe I won''t get hurt? How does one know when one is being naive about a relationship? How, seriously, HOW am I supposed to know if I'm being lied to? should I just forget about having any kind of relationship with sean because he cant deal with this, even though im not going to Chicago with the intention of starting a new relationship, I just want to...you know, be happy. and be ok.

and why the HELL does he miss me and care about me and get totally upset NOW. Why not BEFORE he left so he could REALIZE what he'd be f*&%ing losing and NOT lose it in the first place?!? because if he didnt leave, Id still be here for him, with him. I wouldnt be going to chicago. but he DID. I take it as he doesnt want to be with me. fine. i accept that.

so WHY DOES IT MATTER NOW!?!?!?

I HATE BOYS.

*seethe seethe seethe*

when I told my friend Max some of the things that sean said, he was pissed. does that show he cares? he knows its upsetting me. why would someone do any of this, give me a place to stay, come get me at the airport, talk about how much he wants to see me, fee me, etc, all just to use me? how do I KNOW that he cares?

/rant/rant/rant/rant thank you for reading, if you have any advice or similar experiences, I'd really love to hear them. Im seriously out of my mind here.
 
#18 ·
Ok I'm somewhat sleep deprived so I only skimmed that last post you made. But from what I can gather, you and your ex have dated each other twice already and now he wants you back, correct?

Anyways all I can say is that he sounds jealous and wants your relationship with this Max guy to fail. But I mean what does he know about it? His opinion is too biased to be taken too seriously, IMO. And as for caring about you, guys (and women) don't seem to know what they have until it is gone. I went through something somewhat similar. My highschool boyfriend and I dated twice. 1 year the first time, about 4-5 months the second time. Each time that we were going out, he'd act wonderful at first and then basically take me for granted and stopped showing interest in me. After breaking up (he did the breaking up), he decided he'd made a mistake and wanted me back and said he would change now that he knew what he was missing, etc. Needless to say after he broke up with me the second time, I did not take him back again. I think in my case he just wanted what he didn't have.

As for this new guy, you seem very confused. Are you hoping for a serious relationship with him or just some fun dates? Do you feel ready for another relationship? Is he just the rebound guy? Sometimes it is best to be single for a while to get your head straight, but everyone is different and deals with situations in their own way. But you need to ask yourself, "what do I want? is this what I want?"

And I honestly do think it is naive to think that you won't get hurt. The quickest way to get hurt is to develop feelings for another person. It may not be intentional, and the intensity of pain may be low, or high. But when you care about someone, you will most certainly get hurt at one point. That is just part of life and impossible to avoid. You need to gain experience and learn things somehow or another. Each experience that you have will make you a wiser and stronger person. Just take it easy and try not to lose your mind. (I know, easier said than done)
Hope this helps
 
#19 ·
This exact same thing happened with my ex-boyfriend and I! He only missed me and loved me after I started going out with someone else. There are only two motives here: 1) He realizes what he's got when it's gone or 2) He is just being jealous and doesn't want you to go out with anyone besides him...even though he doesn't really want to go out with you either.

I wouldn't fall for it, but that's just me. Whatever is meant to be will be.
 
#20 ·
Quote:
Originally Posted by Starblossom View Post

Ok I'm somewhat sleep deprived so I only skimmed that last post you made. But from what I can gather, you and your ex have dated each other twice already and now he wants you back, correct?

Anyways all I can say is that he sounds jealous and wants your relationship with this Max guy to fail. But I mean what does he know about it? His opinion is too biased to be taken too seriously, IMO. And as for caring about you, guys (and women) don't seem to know what they have until it is gone. I went through something somewhat similar. My highschool boyfriend and I dated twice. 1 year the first time, about 4-5 months the second time. Each time that we were going out, he'd act wonderful at first and then basically take me for granted and stopped showing interest in me. After breaking up (he did the breaking up), he decided he'd made a mistake and wanted me back and said he would change now that he knew what he was missing, etc. Needless to say after he broke up with me the second time, I did not take him back again. I think in my case he just wanted what he didn't have.

As for this new guy, you seem very confused. Are you hoping for a serious relationship with him or just some fun dates? Do you feel ready for another relationship? Is he just the rebound guy? Sometimes it is best to be single for a while to get your head straight, but everyone is different and deals with situations in their own way. But you need to ask yourself, "what do I want? is this what I want?"

And I honestly do think it is naive to think that you won't get hurt. The quickest way to get hurt is to develop feelings for another person. It may not be intentional, and the intensity of pain may be low, or high. But when you care about someone, you will most certainly get hurt at one point. That is just part of life and impossible to avoid. You need to gain experience and learn things somehow or another. Each experience that you have will make you a wiser and stronger person. Just take it easy and try not to lose your mind. (I know, easier said than done)
Hope this helps
^^^^ I agree totally. Just be careful and decide what you want first before getting too involved.
 
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