When to have sex? - VeggieBoards
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#1 Old 06-13-2005, 12:23 PM
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This a very general question,about when to have sex when your newly dating someone.I am interested as to what is concidered the apprioriate time to be intimate.

I am at the stage in my life that I am only looking for a commited relationship..not just 'fun'.

In My estimate,I am thinking that the longer I put sex off the better I can get to know the person I am dating,and also weed out the guys who are just dating me for 'fun'.

So what is a good amount of time to wait? I am thinking that two months would be about right.If you date once a week,thats 8 dates.



Or is that too soon?Maybe three months is better?



Id be interested in all thoughts and especially in what the guys think...
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#2 Old 06-13-2005, 12:26 PM
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hmm i wouldn't make a schedule for that, whenever you feel comfortable enough with that person i guess
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#3 Old 06-13-2005, 12:34 PM
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It really depends. Sometimes you can have sex right from the start nearly and it doesn't change the relationship in a bad way. Other times, it's best to wait.



I think once you're sure that you've developed a closeness with the person, that you are good friends and not just people who flirt with each other and go on dates, then you're at a level where becoming intimate is not just about lust.
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#4 Old 06-13-2005, 12:38 PM
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I think it truly depends on the people involved. I've had two two-year relationships: one I slept with on the first date and one we waited for about three months. I think it has to do with the 'clicking' factor. It depends if you 'click' with this person or not.



Others say to wait until you've said the 'I love you'. I've done that too. I don't think there are any hard and fast rules about it. It's about what makes you comfortable.



As a side note, you're just recently out of a long term relationship and I'm not sure that dating right now is a good thing for you. You've been hurt terribly and I'd hate to see you hurt again so soon, if ever. I know you didn't ask for this advice so I'll shut up.
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#5 Old 06-13-2005, 01:35 PM
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me & my bf were 2gether 4 a year before we slept together...but that was because it was my first time
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#6 Old 06-13-2005, 01:36 PM
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I'm probably the last person to ask, but your question did strike me as a little "funny"/strange in that you talked about time intervals (two months) and number of dates. I guess I never thought in those terms when dating, believe it or not. I get the feeling that that is more of a "girl" thing than a "guy" thing.



I guess my feeling is that whether you have sex with someone would depend more on mutual feelings, whether you have discussed the nature of the relationship you each want, whether you have discussed birth control, whether you have discussed and gotten commitments on exclusivity (if appropriate), etc. I don't think there is any set schedule for those sorts of things.



I think I have told the story about my relationship with my exGF. At one point she said: "It was 22 dates before you kissed me!" That's true, I suppose. But part of the reason for that is that she was counting the dates, and I was not.

Part of the reason was that she was so talkative, she succeeded in convincing me that she was a lonely woman who just wanted companionship and someone to talk to. Fortunately, that was a misunderstanding on my part.
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#7 Old 06-13-2005, 02:01 PM
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I watch a lot of HBO so I can answer this question. Definetely on the first date.
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#8 Old 06-13-2005, 02:14 PM
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kp



Personally, I believe in only having sex when you both have a committed and long-term relationship (ie marriage, marriage is around the corner, or equilivant).
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#9 Old 06-13-2005, 02:17 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kpickell View Post

I watch a lot of HBO so I can answer this question. Definetely on the first date.



Well, I favour FOX [A Division of Orange Julius], so I say: Don't date at all! Just go for it!
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#10 Old 06-13-2005, 02:39 PM
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Whenever you feel like it.
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#11 Old 06-13-2005, 02:43 PM
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I agree with FreshTart. I think its best to wait till you have a strong degree of trust and commitment with a person. That doesn't have to be marriage necessarily, but at least some form of long term monogamy. Sex isn't just about emotional intimacy or numbers - its a very physical thing with consequences. Of course, I haven't had to think about this for over 8 years, but i feel this initial attitude must have helped set the stage for the happy marriage I now have. I feel very lucky.
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#12 Old 06-13-2005, 04:48 PM
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I thought the rule was Date #3



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#13 Old 06-13-2005, 04:56 PM
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Well, I took sex education in high school, and I know that you can ONLY have sex once you're married. Otherwise you'll get AIDS. or cancer.
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#14 Old 06-13-2005, 05:11 PM
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Well,men can be sneaky.They can come off as being sensitive and they can give you the illusion that they're looking for a long term commitment...then their true colors show after they've slept with you.I'd say the best thing to do is really try to get to know someone first.Personally,I don't think I'd be able to do that in two months but it's different for everyone.
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#15 Old 06-13-2005, 05:11 PM
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Originally Posted by brownieB26 View Post

Well, I took sex education in high school, and I know that you can ONLY have sex once you're married. Otherwise you'll get AIDS. or cancer.

I heard if you look at a person *in that way* that you'll get AIDS or cancer
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#16 Old 06-13-2005, 05:38 PM
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Well, I'd say 2 months is definitely not enough. I had sex with my last boyfriend after 2 months, and we'd been friends for over a year and a half, and at just about that time he got bored with it. Yay.
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#17 Old 06-13-2005, 05:42 PM
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Well,men can be sneaky.



Ahh, if it were only men that were sneaky.
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#18 Old 06-13-2005, 05:52 PM
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I would say, if you wait two months, you will get rid of the guys that just want to get laid. Most guys won't wait two months if they aren't interested in you. Of course this method my just weed out everyone except for the really desperate guys.
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#19 Old 06-13-2005, 06:14 PM
 
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Agreed with those saying ditch the schedule and go with your gut. There seems to be agreement on needing to "get to know the person". Well, you can't really plan that. "Date 1: Discuss work ambitions, Date 2: Childhood memories" It just happens (or doesn't in some cases).



You've just been through a pretty crappy breakup, so I'd imagine your heart wants to protect itself from that again. I'm just not sure that setting a sexual timeline is an effective way to do that. You're trying to measure something intangible (connection/love, etc) with finite measures.





Quote:
Originally Posted by auggie View Post

Well,men can be sneaky.They can come off as being sensitive and they can give you the illusion that they're looking for a long term commitment...then their true colors show after they've slept with you.I'd say the best thing to do is really try to get to know someone first.Personally,I don't think I'd be able to do that in two months but it's different for everyone.



Well, to state the obvious: I think that (at least in 21st century) women can be this kind of "sneaky" too.

The ones I pity are the ones who never stick out their neck for something they believe, never know the taste of moral struggle, and never have the thrill of victory. - Jonathan Kozol
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#20 Old 06-13-2005, 06:37 PM
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My fiance and I slept together one day after we were officially a couple. But we had been good friends for quite some time.



I really think it depends so very very much on the situation. And there's no reason not to talk about this with a guy beforehand, you know--at some point, talk together about what you are looking for in a relationship right now, let him know that you're hoping for something serious. I think it's always best for everybody to know where everybody else stands.
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#21 Old 06-13-2005, 06:37 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by IamJen View Post

Well, to state the obvious: I think that (at least in 21st century) women can be this kind of "sneaky" too.



Amen to that, my sista.
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#22 Old 06-13-2005, 06:47 PM
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Bumble, I think you need to do what you think is right when the time is right for you. Some people are fine with having one night stands with strangers, or casual sex with people they don't care for romantically, and that's all fine. Some people want to wait until they are married, and that's fine too. So it's hard to lay down a specific or general time frame for when it's suitable.



You said that the longer you put off sex, the better you'll be able to get to know the person. So put it off until you get to know the person well enough and then do them. The right guy will be willing to wait, I think we can agree on that.



You'll know when to use force.



...uh... i mean... THE force.
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#23 Old 06-13-2005, 06:52 PM
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If you want to wait, wait.



If you don't want to wait, go for it.
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#24 Old 06-13-2005, 07:01 PM
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Originally Posted by brownieB26 View Post

Well, I took sex education in high school, and I know that you can ONLY have sex once you're married. Otherwise you'll get AIDS. or cancer.



Of course



I was told that kissing was sex too
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#25 Old 06-13-2005, 07:12 PM
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I wait until I feel I can trust the other person with my feelings, "know" I am going to be with her this time next year, and feel that I would be ready to make a lifelong commitment to her.... For me, it all depends on where the relationship has progressed. Sometimes after 3 weeks would be okay, sometimes a year would be too soon.... It's all "How well do I know this person? Can I trust them? Are they going to hurt me and not flinch? Do I really want to be with this person next year?"
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#26 Old 06-13-2005, 07:22 PM
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My boyfriend and I waited 9 months. I was quite young though, and it was both our first time. I think you need to wait until you are ready yourself. I would probably favour waiting over jumping right in. But in the end you have to do what feels right and also what is best for the other person and the relationship. I think you will know when it's the right time. You do also have to factor in that you've just come out of a long term relationship, and there's nothing wrong with going slow. Overall I don't think a little bit of waiting would hurt the relationship.
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#27 Old 06-13-2005, 08:18 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by brownieB26 View Post

Well, I took sex education in high school, and I know that you can ONLY have sex once you're married. Otherwise you'll get AIDS. or cancer.



________

I really think that scheduled intimacy is suitable as a last resort for established couples only. Like if you're both really busy and it's either pencil him in for a quickie or nothing. Other than that I think your best bet is to allow yourself the freedom to decide what you want to do depending on how you feel at that moment. I think that's pretty much what everyone else already said, but, ah well.
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#28 Old 06-13-2005, 08:39 PM
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Originally Posted by kirkjobsluder View Post

If you want to wait, wait.



If you don't want to wait, go for it.



Ditto.
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#29 Old 06-13-2005, 11:20 PM
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I think "when" is different for each person, but for me it's definitely based on 100% trust and a relationship with someone I know I love with all my heart...
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#30 Old 06-14-2005, 12:01 AM
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Short answer: When you feel it's right.



Long answer: My personal belief regarding sex is that it's a special and intimate thing to be shared with someone for whom you care deeply and with whom you have an established commitment of some type. (Whether that be marriage, long-term partnership, or some other arrangement, official or not.) Because of those beliefs, I have always waited until I felt that these parameters have been met. It has worked for me, but of course, YMMV.

We see the world as "we" are, not as "it" is; because it is the "I" behind the "eye" that does the seeing.
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