When to have sex? - Page 3 - VeggieBoards
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#61 Old 06-27-2005, 08:44 PM
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Personally, the more I like a person and want something serious, the longer I'll wait.
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#62 Old 06-29-2005, 10:34 PM
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For me, the answer to this question varies as much as the people that I date. I couldn't set a time limit like that- I sleep when the person when I feel fit. It's as simple as that.
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#63 Old 06-29-2005, 10:52 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by colorful View Post

I lost my virginity to my husband after we had dated only 6 weeks. It felt perfect - and it's amazing how incredibly difficult it was for us to wait THAT long.



I agree with most of the above posters - it's not about a schedule, it's about what feels right in the relationship. Although we had dated only 6 weeks, we also worked together so had been friends for a long time, and once we began dating things became serious very quickly. It wasn't just a weekly date night, it was a case of us being pretty much inseperable from the get-go. I'm glad I trusted my instincts, because nothing felt forced or rushed, and we have ended up happily married.



BTW, I had dated someone for 6 months the same year I met my husband, and never slept with him - we just never felt as close in that 6 months as I felt with my husband in a matter of weeks. Again, it's not about time/# dates, it's about the relationship.



I agree totally. I dated my boyfriend for 4 weeks before we had sex, (we were both virgins until then) and it felt totally right. I would have never thought in a million years that I would be ready that soon, but I was, and I have no regreats.
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#64 Old 06-30-2005, 06:50 AM
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There's a great new site that just opened up called Futazi.com It's got tons of romance advice and I think some of you could really get a lot of of it. It's speciffically for those of us in high school, so it might not be for everyone.



Here's the link: http://futazi.com/romance/index.php



Let me know if it helps!

Amanda
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#65 Old 06-30-2005, 05:53 PM
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There's a great new site that just opened up called ***** It's got tons of romance advice and I think some of you could really get a lot of of it. It's speciffically for those of us in high school, so it might not be for everyone.





We don't like spam.
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#66 Old 06-30-2005, 08:57 PM
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Originally Posted by bumble View Post

And the reason for slowing it down is to truely get to know eachother,before jumping into bed...to trust him.



One other comment that may or may not be helpful. There's a sense in which you cannot truly get to know someone until you have sex with that person. That is, there is a sexual dimension to each person's personality that only gets revealed when you have sex with them, and this can be surprising, bewildering, even shocking, even if you have "known" the person in a non-sexual way for years.
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#67 Old 06-30-2005, 09:07 PM
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Originally Posted by kirkjobsluder View Post

I don't know about that. Sex during the weekly staff meetings is probably not a good idea.



guess I missed that memo. (Did I mention that my husband and I met at work? There may have been a few...um...indisgretions at the workplace...)
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#68 Old 06-30-2005, 09:39 PM
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Originally Posted by remilard View Post

I would say, if you wait two months, you will get rid of the guys that just want to get laid. Most guys won't wait two months if they aren't interested in you. Of course this method my just weed out everyone except for the really desperate guys.

I've had a couple of women express the idea of a "three month rule" to me, though neither actually followed it themselves.
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#69 Old 06-30-2005, 10:20 PM
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Originally Posted by Chouyuan View Post

Well I presume this will fly in the face of the popular opinion, but then so's my life



Same here! I've always been far outnumbered on this issue on VB, so it's nice to see another VBer with a similar perspective. I also hold that people ought to wait until marriage to have sex.



Quote:
Originally Posted by Chouyuan View Post

So, all I can say is this. There is merit in waiting till you're married, but then I suppose there's people who don't agree with this.



Yup. Surely some who wait for marriage to have sex have serious hangups and repressions, but they wouldn't have necessarily been better off to have sex sooner. I must say there is a lot of security in knowing you have no STDs and have no fears of unplanned pregnancy. The peace of mind cannot be bought.

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#70 Old 06-30-2005, 10:33 PM
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I always strived or wished to wait about 6 months- I never even came close. As others have said, I think its a matter of gauging where you are at with specific people, instead of trying to apply general rules to these very personal situations. I don't really think two months is enough in most situations, but I have no doubt that it is in others.
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#71 Old 06-30-2005, 10:48 PM
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Originally Posted by skylark View Post

Yup. Surely some who wait for marriage to have sex have serious hangups and repressions, but they wouldn't have necessarily been better off to have sex sooner. I must say there is a lot of security in knowing you have no STDs and have no fears of unplanned pregnancy. The peace of mind cannot be bought.



I waited until I was married. It didn't affect my divorce at all
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#72 Old 07-01-2005, 01:25 AM
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Originally Posted by MrFalafel View Post

That's exactly what I'm talking about. If a woman has to take so much time to decide whether or not she trusts me/herself/feelings then I interpret that as her having to talk herself into the relationship. In other workds, she doesn't have a 'true spark' and wants to keep looking around while trying to convince herself that I'm the best thing she can find. That's not very good for my self esteem, is it?



A half a dozen dates is fine but after that, I'd just assume the woman was interested in a platonic arrangement or is trying to talk herself into settling for a relationship with me as there is no other likely candidates around. Or, perhaps she's really not ready/interested in a serious relationship at all. That would be warning bells for me.



This is just an opinion to give the OP an insight on what some men are thinking during a very slow build up towards sex.



So you've been in a serious committed monogamous relationship for how long?



Sounds to me like your still single. Could the underlying reason for that be hidden not-so-subtley in your posts on the this topic?

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#73 Old 07-01-2005, 11:11 AM
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I think it totally depends on the people involved and how they feel about sex. For some people, sex is just a fun thing to do. They don't need to be that emotionally involved with their sex partners (I've known both men and women who feel this way), so they can walk away from a one night stand emotionally unscathed and hopefully physically unscathed if they're taking all the important precautions.



I, on the other hand, feel that sex is the ultimate form of intimacy that I only want to share with someone who I feel very deeply about, so it took a long time for me to decide to have sex with my bf because I had to feel that I knew him very well, loved him and trusted him.



So you have to decide for yourself--are you someone who is comfortable with having sex with someone you're still getting to know and who you don't know if you'll be with long-term, or is sex something you feel you only want to share with "the one"? I don't think either one is right or wrong. What does sex mean to you? No one can give you some universally appropriate timeline--you have to create your own timeline based on how you really feel.
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#74 Old 07-01-2005, 11:21 AM
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I'm with those who say don't use guidelines, go with your gut feelings. Do it when you feel you want to. If I do have an opinion one way or the other, however, I would advise not waiting until marriage (but then again, I don't particularly believe in marriage, so I suppose I am biased). Sex is a big part of a relationship.
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#75 Old 07-01-2005, 12:05 PM
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Sex is a big part of a relationship.



At best, it's 10%.
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#76 Old 07-01-2005, 02:11 PM
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Yup, I'd say sex being 10% is right.



It's true I'd seen hub around a few times and spent a day with him with friends some years back.



But then later he called me on a Monday, came to see me on a Friday: we had sex the first night and now it's over 20 years later and we've spawned two young adults. However, I just wanted to tell you my story, perhaps as an example.



It's just so hard to say and more importantly I don't know. It is completly individual. Remember that book which came out some years ago, "The Rules". I just can't see that. So I'm going to go with, "gut".
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#77 Old 07-01-2005, 02:32 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FreshTart View Post

At best, it's 10%.

My mom always says that when a couple's sex life is going well, it's 20% of the relationship, and when it's going badly, it's 80%.



Sex has had differing levels of importance throughout my relationship. It fluctuates. But it's never been what the relationship is BASED on by any means.



I do think sexual compatibility and sexual chemistry are very, very important issues in a relationship. That's why I can't see eye to eye with the "wait-until-marriage" folks. I wouldn't feel comfortable marrying someone when I hadn't already experienced our sexual chemistry/compatibility. People can surprise you in that regard.



Whatever floats your boat, of course, but it wouldn't work well for me.
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#78 Old 07-01-2005, 03:19 PM
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i think that skylark brings up an interesting point about some people waiting until they are married.



before i met my husband, i certainly espoused this notion. but, then i met my now-husband, and because it was many years before i was going to marry him (parent-school thing), i figured that it was pretty mcuh all the same and i didn't need to wait for a specific date.



that being said, i did have some hang ups prior to this that needed to be worked through. i was probably supressed and repressed and oppressed and had pressed pants, skirts, and shirts, but neverthess, this indicates that i had some emotional things to work through.



by working through them, i was able to have a happy sex life. If an individual wants to wait until marriage--in general this is a good thing. If they are waiting until marriage because their suppressed or repressed or drycleaned, with the belief that marriage will somehow 'fix' this problem, then they're in for a bit of a surprise (i'd say). these things need to be worked out before one has sex--no matter whether that's within or without marriage.



i know that wasnt' skylark's point. but it's an area that i think is worth mentioning. I do think it's a good idea to wait until marriage if it's something that you value or think is right for you.



And, i'd also like to point out that just because someone is sexually active (before or outside of marriage) doesn't mean that they're at all healthy in a emotional or psychological way in regards to their sexual activities or sexuality. I know a number of people who do not behave in their best interest sexually, even though they are sexually active.



ah, people are diverse.
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#79 Old 07-01-2005, 05:24 PM
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In my experience, if you like the guy it is best not to screw them right away.

If you don't see it as a long time prospect, no need to wait.

If you think it is really going somewhere just don't get it on right away.

That is pretty much it.



My bf and I waited maybe a month (i think) and we have been together about 5 yrs now.

(oh my god , that is really impressive to me)

I think I wanted to sleep with him sooner because I fell so hard for him, but he wanted to wait a bit.

I guess he like respected me or something.
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#80 Old 07-02-2005, 01:16 PM
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zoebird, you're right that that wasn't quite the point I was trying to make, but I do agree that presuming marriage will fix all hangups and insecurites is silly. *bangs forehead on wall* Marriage does not complete a person! You have no idea how many people I know think they will morph from lonely, mal-adjusted people into confident, emotionally healthy people just because they found a special someone. That's across the board, too--liberal, conservative, booty-free-till-marriage, highly promiscuous, you name it. If you aren't a happy, kind, content person now, being in a relationship of most any kind won't change that.



Now, if I can just get that annoying Backstreet Boys song "Incomplete" song out of my head, I will be sane again.



This bears repeating:
Quote:
Originally Posted by zoebird View Post

i'd also like to point out that just because someone is sexually active (before or outside of marriage) doesn't mean that they're at all healthy in a emotional or psychological way in regards to their sexual activities or sexuality. I know a number of people who do not behave in their best interests sexually, even though they are sexually active.


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#81 Old 07-04-2005, 10:40 PM
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yeah, i knew that you would agree. your post just spurred some thoughts--like they usually do.



it is hard for me to explain to others as well that you have to be healthy first, then a healthy relationship follows. i don't know why people don't believe that. . .
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