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#31 Old 06-14-2005, 12:25 AM
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This is a really personal issue and I think it's best for you if you arrive at your answer based on your own feelings and prior experiences with relationships, rather than trying to conform to what you think the 'norm' or 'acceptable' might be.
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#32 Old 06-14-2005, 03:35 AM
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When you both love and trust each other, and are comfortable enough with each other to admit it.

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#33 Old 06-14-2005, 04:40 AM
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If I was dating a woman who didn't want to have sex for weeks or months after we started dating I would simply assume she wasn't interested in a relationship and I'd move on to find someone who was.



Sometimes these rules about intimacy can backfire.
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#34 Old 06-14-2005, 04:52 AM
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You'd just assume Mr Falafel? You wouldn't ask her?

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#35 Old 06-14-2005, 06:59 AM
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Originally Posted by newstars View Post

Bumble, I think you need to do what you think is right when the time is right for you. Some people are fine with having one night stands with strangers, or casual sex with people they don't care for romantically, and that's all fine. Some people want to wait until they are married, and that's fine too. So it's hard to lay down a specific or general time frame for when it's suitable.



You said that the longer you put off sex, the better you'll be able to get to know the person. So put it off until you get to know the person well enough and then do them. The right guy will be willing to wait, I think we can agree on that.



You'll know when to use force.



...uh... i mean... THE force.



See, this is what I was going to say.



B
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#36 Old 06-14-2005, 09:27 AM
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You are the only one who can answer this. There is no time schedule. You will know when the time is right, and if he is right.
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#37 Old 06-14-2005, 09:30 AM
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Originally Posted by brownieB26 View Post

Well, I took sex education in high school, and I know that you can ONLY have sex once you're married. Otherwise you'll get AIDS. or cancer.



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#38 Old 06-14-2005, 01:48 PM
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in general, most of my friends say 'three months' with the belief that there would be about 2 or more dates a week (on average, 3 dates a week). This would be 24 to 36 dates.



for my husband and i, it was well over a year before we had sex. but we were physical with each other (which i suppose one could call it sex depending upon how broadly one defined it) after about 4 or 5 months. But, i fully acknowledge that i was slower than 'normal' and that this was the appropriate pace for us and may not be for anyone else.



in general, i say that you just have to do what you think and feel is right for you. If you keep communication clear and open, if you listen to your instincts and do what you think is best, then the actual 'time zone' doesn't really matter. Could be first date, could be fifth, could be 30th, could be 87th. The main thing is to listen to yourself, communicate with your partner.



also, a friend of mine mentioned the idea: well, it all depends upon when you'd feel comfortable asking him for an AIDS test and Hep C screening.



So, feel comfortable with that, then ask for the results, and then see how it goes.
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#39 Old 06-14-2005, 09:34 PM
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Originally Posted by kpickell View Post

I watch a lot of HBO so I can answer this question. Definetely on the first date.





Really though, setting "rules" doesn't work. You'll have to decide on a basis with each person.
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#40 Old 06-14-2005, 11:10 PM
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Originally Posted by zoebird View Post

in general, most of my friends say 'three months' with the belief that there would be about 2 or more dates a week (on average, 3 dates a week). This would be 24 to 36 dates.



for my husband and i, it was well over a year before we had sex. but we were physical with each other (which i suppose one could call it sex depending upon how broadly one defined it) after about 4 or 5 months. But, i fully acknowledge that i was slower than 'normal' and that this was the appropriate pace for us and may not be for anyone else.



in general, i say that you just have to do what you think and feel is right for you. If you keep communication clear and open, if you listen to your instincts and do what you think is best, then the actual 'time zone' doesn't really matter. Could be first date, could be fifth, could be 30th, could be 87th. The main thing is to listen to yourself, communicate with your partner.



also, a friend of mine mentioned the idea: well, it all depends upon when you'd feel comfortable asking him for an AIDS test and Hep C screening.



So, feel comfortable with that, then ask for the results, and then see how it goes.



Thanks for everyones replies,it is interesting to hear everyone's ideas on the issue.I especially like your answer Zoebird.Although,I only date once a week,due to work and the 'rules' for the first month..but I like three months and I like the idea of getting all the tests ect first.I had thought about that,but I thought it was for later in the relationship.Anyway,I like your ideas and I am mulling them over.



I think the longer the better.I guess my question was more..how long is to long?(to a man?)

Anyway,things to think about.



Thanks!
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#41 Old 06-14-2005, 11:57 PM
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I guess my question was more..how long is to long?(to a man?)



I think that depends on the man Bumble. But in my experience, they've always been happy to go along with whatever I said I was comfortable with.
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#42 Old 06-15-2005, 01:08 AM
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You'd just assume Mr Falafel? You wouldn't ask her?



Of course, I'd talk about it but I've learned that many women say things they may or may not mean just to be nice or possibly haven't figured out what was going on themselves. I would also think that there wasn't a real spark and that the woman was trying to rationalise being in a relationship with me instead of following her emotions or 'heart'. Or perhaps she's holding back from commitment in case she finds someone better.



I've been in a couple of relationships where sex was put on hold while she sorted whatever she needed to sort out. Those relationships ulitimately failed even after sex became regular, whereas relationships built on a fairly immediate attraction blossomed. That's just my personal experience, your mileage may very.



I know I'm not alone in feeling this way. I've had a few conversations with guys who've said the same thing. There's either a 'spark' or there isn't.
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#43 Old 06-15-2005, 07:01 AM
 
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I know I'm not alone in feeling this way. I've had a few conversations with guys who've said the same thing. There's either a 'spark' or there isn't.



But...feeling that spark only refers to desire. There are so many conflicting emotions here sometimes. Baggage from past relationships, social/religious hangups about sex, performance anxiety, body image issues, yada yada. A woman (person) saying that they aren't ready for sex at the moment doesn't mean that they don't want to ever/at all. I just don't think it's so black and white.

The ones I pity are the ones who never stick out their neck for something they believe, never know the taste of moral struggle, and never have the thrill of victory. - Jonathan Kozol
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#44 Old 06-15-2005, 07:19 AM
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But...feeling that spark only refers to desire. There are so many conflicting emotions here sometimes. Baggage from past relationships, social/religious hangups about sex, performance anxiety, body image issues, yada yada. A woman (person) saying that they aren't ready for sex at the moment doesn't mean that they don't want to ever/at all. I just don't think it's so black and white.



That's exactly what I'm talking about. If a woman has to take so much time to decide whether or not she trusts me/herself/feelings then I interpret that as her having to talk herself into the relationship. In other workds, she doesn't have a 'true spark' and wants to keep looking around while trying to convince herself that I'm the best thing she can find. That's not very good for my self esteem, is it?



A half a dozen dates is fine but after that, I'd just assume the woman was interested in a platonic arrangement or is trying to talk herself into settling for a relationship with me as there is no other likely candidates around. Or, perhaps she's really not ready/interested in a serious relationship at all. That would be warning bells for me.



This is just an opinion to give the OP an insight on what some men are thinking during a very slow build up towards sex.
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#45 Old 06-15-2005, 09:23 AM
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Originally Posted by MrFalafel View Post

That's exactly what I'm talking about. If a woman has to take so much time to decide whether or not she trusts me/herself/feelings then I interpret that as her having to talk herself into the relationship. In other workds, she doesn't have a 'true spark' and wants to keep looking around while trying to convince herself that I'm the best thing she can find. That's not very good for my self esteem, is it?



A half a dozen dates is fine but after that, I'd just assume the woman was interested in a platonic arrangement or is trying to talk herself into settling for a relationship with me as there is no other likely candidates around. Or, perhaps she's really not ready/interested in a serious relationship at all. That would be warning bells for me.



This is just an opinion to give the OP an insight on what some men are thinking during a very slow build up towards sex.





interesting piont of view.I guess my thing is:If Im dating someone,there has GOT to be a spark/passion ect..But somebodies got to slow it down a bit.And the reason for slowing it down is to truely get to know eachother,before jumping into bed...to trust him.

But good piont.I think there can be a balance of NOT just jumping into to sex and NOT waiting too long that you miss the 'moment'.



I guess all and all you have to go with your gut.



But you are right in some regards MrFalafel.
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#46 Old 06-15-2005, 10:04 AM
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MrF and I wouldn't make it past the first date it seems. I tell them straight up that a) they won't be getting it for a long, long time so decide now if I'm interesting enough to stick around for and b) I like cats. They will be choosen above you. decide now.







Asking a guy to wait beyond marriage is too long (meaning, you get married and still won't sleep with him). Before that, it's fine. Over half of my peer group did not have sex until they were married or until they were engaged/strongly committed (ie bought a house together). Some had sex before, some never until this partner.
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#47 Old 06-22-2005, 06:24 PM
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hmm i wouldn't make a schedule for that, whenever you feel comfortable enough with that person i guess



Yeah i dont think there is "that day" but anyway, any past relationships, one g/f was about a month later, another was about a month later, another a week after ..... ok its never been over around 30-40 days i guess.... If you spend a ton of hours around the person in one week, say your around them 6hrs a day/night for 6 days a week. after one week youve known that person 36hrs worth, yet if you see another person 2 times a week for 2 hrs, thats only 16hours after a whole month!..... so it could take longer until you feel right or it can happen kinda fast... With us guys, the sooner th better and most likely theres no such thing as too soon, yet if you give in in like a day or two then im sure the guy will think your easy which isnt great either... but girls want what boys want and theres nothing wrong with that



and watch out bumble, being in the peta contest, now your famous lol, maybe guys want you just for the score or something... but anyway if you spend enough time with someone and seem to both want it,, remember guys 100% of the time want it, so its only your decision by this point lol, go for it !



btw, bumble do you have an AIM screename?
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#48 Old 06-22-2005, 06:30 PM
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I would say, if you wait two months, you will get rid of the guys that just want to get laid. Most guys won't wait two months if they aren't interested in you. Of course this method my just weed out everyone except for the really desperate guys.





goddam, what guy wants to wait 2 months! lol, if your like 15-25yrs old, after a week with a girl your ONLY thinking of sex when your around her lol... I was basically like, know what, if this girl doesnt give it up after a month, ill find another... and im a "nice" guy i think and have been with that girl now for almost 3 yrs so i care about her at least a little bit



If i had sex the 2nd day i dont think it would affect me, most people ive known, men/women wont ever say, oh i had sex too early and i hated it and dont want to again, im talking about virgins or first times with a person, yet i have heard TONS of people say.... "why in the heck did i wait so long? its great!"
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#49 Old 06-22-2005, 06:49 PM
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actually i saw an interesting study that said if a couple doesn't have sex by the third date, they probably won't end up having it at all. i'm sure there are plenty that date for months, however.



i tend to give up quickly. if it's not happening, i'm not wasting the energy to chase.



women decide when to have sex. if she wants it, she'll let you know. and you better jump all over it when she's ready (if you want her) , or you probably won't have sex with her at all.
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#50 Old 06-22-2005, 06:52 PM
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I prefer evenings myself. Although weekend afternoons are good.
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#51 Old 06-22-2005, 07:26 PM
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actually i saw an interesting study that said if a couple doesn't have sex by the third date, they probably won't end up having it at all. i'm sure there are plenty that date for months, however.



i tend to give up quickly. if it's not happening, i'm not wasting the energy to chase.



women decide when to have sex. if she wants it, she'll let you know. and you better jump all over it when she's ready (if you want her) , or you probably won't have sex with her at all.



It has little to do with the chase and more to do with people not wanting to hop in bed with strangers.
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#52 Old 06-22-2005, 07:42 PM
 
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My gf & I dated for at least 6 months before we had sex. For me, if I have sex with someone too soon, I start to have feelings for her, even though I don't know her too well. Then when the hormones cool down, I find myself involved with someone I barely know, am not too compatible with, and maybe don't have much in common with, besides the sex.



I say, if you're not sure, you're not ready. Talk to the person you're dating, and if he's not ok about waiting until you're sure, he's obviously not right for you.
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#53 Old 06-23-2005, 12:48 AM
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one time i was going to have sex with this guy but i have a really ugly face and no one likes me so i couldn't
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#54 Old 06-23-2005, 09:31 AM
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My husband & I had sex exactly 1 week after we started dating. We would have had sex on our first date, but I was on my period, LOL.



12+ years later, we're still very together, very much in love, and have a great sex life. (Just celebrated our 9th wedding anniversary on Monday)



I think it depends very much on the individuals. I think if you tend to get caught up in lust and move too fast physically for your own comfort level then making rules might be helpful in preventing that.



But otherwise...I'd say screw the rules...each man is different, each relationship unique...listen to your heart and do what feels right.
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#55 Old 06-23-2005, 09:38 AM
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one time i was going to have sex with this guy but i have a really ugly face and no one likes me so i couldn't



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#56 Old 06-23-2005, 09:54 AM
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It has little to do with the chase and more to do with people not wanting to hop in bed with strangers.



most people you end up going out with aren't people you met at a gas station. you've known them for a while, then you decide to go out. so i don't think they're exactly strangers.
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#57 Old 06-23-2005, 09:55 AM
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I lost my virginity to my husband after we had dated only 6 weeks. It felt perfect - and it's amazing how incredibly difficult it was for us to wait THAT long.



I agree with most of the above posters - it's not about a schedule, it's about what feels right in the relationship. Although we had dated only 6 weeks, we also worked together so had been friends for a long time, and once we began dating things became serious very quickly. It wasn't just a weekly date night, it was a case of us being pretty much inseperable from the get-go. I'm glad I trusted my instincts, because nothing felt forced or rushed, and we have ended up happily married.



BTW, I had dated someone for 6 months the same year I met my husband, and never slept with him - we just never felt as close in that 6 months as I felt with my husband in a matter of weeks. Again, it's not about time/# dates, it's about the relationship.
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#58 Old 06-23-2005, 10:09 AM
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This is a rather controversial issue, and just for the hell of it, i'm gonna repeat what everyone else has said...

Wait until you feel ready.

I think that trust is the biggest thing involved. If you can't trust the person, you can't enjoy the sex to it's full potential (atleast not in my opinion). Having sex is a lot more of a personal thing than many people believe. Even though lots and lots of people are just jumping into the sack with anyone they're attracted to these days, that doesn't mean that it's what everyone should be doing.

I personally could never let anyone eve try sex with me unless i trusted them. Unless i knew for sure that they were not going to hurt, ditch, or make fun of me behind my back, it wouldn't be happening.

I am however only talking about full out sexual intercourse. Other forms of foreplay, in my opinion, are a whole other deal. Not that oral sex can not have consequences, but i feel that it is less serious.

Anyways, the point is, as everyone else said... there is no "golden rule" telling you when to have sex. For some people it's just whenever they feel horny, for others it's whenever they have been in a loving, honest relationship with someone they truly trust.

Which one you choose is up to you.



Oh, and it's not just guys that get impatient about sex! A good friend of mine used to live by the "golden rule" that if the guy didn't screw her the first time she wanted to (usually within the first day of meeting the guy), then he must be gay, and she'd move on.

I wouldn't however suggest following in her footsteps...
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#59 Old 06-24-2005, 04:42 PM
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Well I presume this will fly in the face of the popular opinion, but then so's my life For me, I wished I waited till I met my wife before I had sex. Honestly. When we got married my wife was a virgin and we never had sex before we were married. Call me old fashioned or what have you, but I think I missed out by not waiting. My sister-in-law who just got married last week, both of them were virgins and they dated for about 2 years.



So, all I can say is this. There is merit in waiting till you're married, but then I suppose there's people who don't agree with this. I can live with that. I think nowadays with so many STDs and things going on, it's not worth the risk. But I'm not going to preach at ya, but I say, be carefull and realize the potential ramifications of what sex can have between the two of you. You can still get pregnant on birth control. Anyway, just my opinion.



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#60 Old 06-24-2005, 07:52 PM
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it's not about a schedule, it's about what feels right in the relationship.



I don't know about that. Sex during the weekly staff meetings is probably not a good idea.
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