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#1 Old 05-21-2005, 07:00 AM
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I need some opinions. My friend Steve is in a long distance relationship and they don't see each other very often. Well, his girlfriend got a new job, and after about a month of working there she told him that she found a roommate to get an apartment with. The next day she told him that her roommate had had a big thing for her, but she rejected him. She said he knew she had a boyfriend and he wouldn't do anything to ruin their friendship. Steve told her that it would make him uncomfortable for many reasons, and explained why he thought it wasn't a good idea. In the end she decided to move in with him anyway.



Steve had been planning to visit her, but her roommate said he couldn't stay very long because he was stressed. So after a lot of arguing and changing plans, he cancelled his plans to go. She says that a week ago her roommate told her that he doesn't have feelings for her as a girlfriend anymore...but of course he would say that, wouldn't he?



All of this is obviously affecting their relationship. He doesn't know what to do, and I really have no idea what to tell him. Steve's never met the roommate, so he doesn't know if he's actually a nice guy or if he has ulterior motives. Of course Steve doesn't think that she would cheat on him, and he would like to think she knows what she's doing, but that situation is just asking for trouble, you know? Long distance relationships are hard enough as it is, without something like that. He knows he'd be uncomfortable visiting her with her roommate living there, but she says he's just paranoid. I don't think *any* guy would want to be in that situation, and all Steve's friends are really skeptical. As my uncle said, "if you meet a cute girl who has a boyfriend, it's your duty to break them up!" Heh.



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#2 Old 05-21-2005, 07:14 AM
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All guys have ulterior motives. If he trusts her then I guess there's not much to worry about. It would just bug me that he's getting to spend more time with her than I am. As for a visit, I dunno. I guess I'd just go and make him very jealous.

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#3 Old 05-21-2005, 07:20 AM
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Right, he trusts *her*, but he doesn't trust him, naturally. It just seems like she's being deceived.



He was going to visit, but then her roommate said he couldn't stay long and it escalated into him not going at all.

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#4 Old 05-21-2005, 07:35 AM
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Well... in ANY relationship, long distance or not, there are going to be situations where crushes exist -- whether someone crushing on your partner, or your partner crushing on someone else. It's human nature, it happens.



The crux of the matter is whether those crushes turn into something else. If "Steve's" girlfriend is committed to Steve, and it seems like she is, then there's nothing to worry about. His girlfriend will remind the roomie that she's taken, that she's not interested, end of story.
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#5 Old 05-21-2005, 07:36 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tommy Gun View Post

Right, he trusts *her*, but he doesn't trust him, naturally.



BTW, I think this is a pretty natural state of being for most guys in a relationship, long distance or not.
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#6 Old 05-21-2005, 07:41 AM
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I'm not the best advice-giver, but one thing in your story stuck out:



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Steve had been planning to visit her, but her roommate said he couldn't stay very long because he was stressed.

Does his girlfriend pay half the rent for this apartment? Then how does her roommate have any say how long Steve can visit? He doesn't. If I were Steve, I'd go for a visit as soon as possible, stay as long as I please, and meet the "roommate". Hopefully Steve can trust his girlfriend, because without that the relationship won't last anyway, but her roommate sounds like a complete jerk.



Just my 2 cents, FWIW.
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#7 Old 05-21-2005, 08:31 AM
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i'm with Sunny; i'd go for the visit and it might totally ease steve's mind. maybe the roommate is a first-class moron and once steve meets him in person, his fears will subside. and if, instead, the roommate is hottie mchott and super-charming to boot, well, at least steve will know what he's up against.



a visit will also allow steve to see his girlfriend and the roommate interacting, which will give him a lot of information about the true nature of that relationship.



as long as the roommate is not somehow unstable/dangerous and a threat to the girlfriend's safety, "trusting HER" is all the trust he needs. if she is really in love with steve and couldn't care less about the roommate, it won't matter what the roommate thinks/wants.
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#8 Old 05-21-2005, 08:33 AM
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Originally Posted by Sunny View Post

Does his girlfriend pay half the rent for this apartment? Then how does her roommate have any say how long Steve can visit? He doesn't.

Yeah, she does, but obviously her roommate pays the other half, and they have to maintain their friendship. It's pretty ridiculous, because they all have work and they (Steve and the roommate) probably would barely see each other. That whole trip fiasco got really complicated, so I didn't bother typing it all and just said "after a lot of arguing" instead. It would be like five pages if I tried to type all *that* out!



Her roommate said that Steve could come anytime he wanted, but as soon as he actually made plans her roommate said he was all stressed. Another thing that seems suspicious, *shrug*.

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#9 Old 05-21-2005, 08:46 AM
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Having had flatmates, the "Steve should just go thing" doesn't wash. If Steve doesn't pay rent, he doesn't get to stay for a long time without permission from the other flatmates. We used to have a policy of if you don't pay rent, three nights the limit, unless everyone agrees.



If Steve trusts the girl he should leave it at that. It might be annoying that a flatmate has a crush on his girl, but if she has no plans on taking it further, what does it matter? I can see why he'd be feeling a bit funny, but it's one of those things, I guess.

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#10 Old 05-21-2005, 09:13 AM
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As far as the "if she's not interested, why does it matter" thing goes, I think the point is that not everything is planned. The roommate sees her almost everyday at home, plus they work together. Steve gets to see her like every 3 months, if that. Those are some bad odds.



Edit: Oh, and since this trip was cancelled, it will be months before Steve sees her again. So even if he wants to meet the roommate, he can't.

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#11 Old 05-21-2005, 10:14 AM
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She needs to find a new roommate, simple as that. It's not a matter of trust. He can have all the trust for her in the world and she can be the most trust worthy person in the world, but this is really not considerate to his feelings. Like it has been said "all guys have ulterior motives" (which i don't agree with 100%, but in this case this guy obviously does) and "no guy would want to be in this position", nor would many girls, i would assume. So why is she continuing to keep him in this position?



Obviously, there's the factor of how easy it is for her to up and leave, find a new place and/or find new roommate. But assuming that that is possible (which I'm sure it is), she should be shopping around for a new roommate and/or a new place.



Quote:
Originally Posted by Kiz View Post

Having had flatmates, the "Steve should just go thing" doesn't wash. If Steve doesn't pay rent, he doesn't get to stay for a long time without permission from the other flatmates. We used to have a policy of if you don't pay rent, three nights the limit, unless everyone agrees.



Ya but Steve's girlfriend pays rent, so she shouldn't have to deal with much problems with giving her boyfriend (who's visiting from out of town) a place to say for more than 3 nights. That's just what I think. Although, I'm sure most reasonable roommates would agree. Obviously, when people start abusing that priviledge, having friends/SOs bumming around the apartment, then ya, something has to be done about it, so I can see why such a rule would be in effect.
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#12 Old 05-21-2005, 10:17 AM
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Um...I'm just gonna send Steve some hugs, mmmkay?



My mom's advice: "He should've gone and have a threesome" Um...that's not what I suggest but honestly, I feel bad. I really don't think the gf is cheating but the whole situation could really strain the relationship and do some damage. If I were Steve I'd just try to get past it a little and just keep an eye out so to speak. The trip can't be made now so I'd just forget about it and continue the relationship as normal. To keep arguing about it will just give everyone involved a headache and it will seem as if there is no trust between Steve and the GF (and no trust in a relationship is bad bad bad baaaaaaad).
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#13 Old 05-21-2005, 10:50 AM
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Originally Posted by newstars View Post

She needs to find a new roommate, simple as that. It's not a matter of trust. He can have all the trust for her in the world and she can be the most trust worthy person in the world, but this is really not considerate to his feelings. Like it has been said "all guys have ulterior motives" (which i don't agree with 100%, but in this case this guy obviously does) and "no guy would want to be in this position", nor would many girls, i would assume. So why is she continuing to keep him in this position?



Obviously, there's the factor of how easy it is for her to up and leave, find a new place and/or find new roommate. But assuming that that is possible (which I'm sure it is), she should be shopping around for a new roommate and/or a new place.

I think that's exactly how he feels. Of course the thing is, she decided to move there anyway, after they discussed it. It's not like she found out about his crush *after* she moved there, or she met Steve after she was already living there. It was all known from the start. Now she's kind of stuck because of the lease, and moving again is probably a huge hassle.



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Ya but Steve's girlfriend pays rent, so she shouldn't have to deal with much problems with giving her boyfriend (who's visiting from out of town) a place to say for more than 3 nights. That's just what I think. Although, I'm sure most reasonable roommates would agree.

Agreed. The fact that it's expensive and hard to plan each trip is also a huge factor. They see each other every three months if they're lucky, probably way less than that. So now she's going to be living with this guy who has/had a crush on her, for half a year before Steve MIGHT even have a chance of meeting him.



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The trip can't be made now so I'd just forget about it and continue the relationship as normal.

Well there really is no "normal" here...the trip isn't the big issue, it's the whole situation, and obviously that's not going to go away.

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#14 Old 05-21-2005, 12:55 PM
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from the sounds of it, i think that steve is having more issue with the fact that his gf chose to move in with someone who professed having more-than-platonic feelings for her than anything else. what i mean by that is, the roomate with the (former?) crush isn't the issue here. the issue is that steve's gf made a choice to do something she knew made her bf unhappy and uncomfortable. whether the relationship is long distance or not, that is definitely a problem and steve has a right to feel dismissed/disrespected. of course there could be extenuating circumstances, like was his gf in a desperate housing situation where she absolutely had to take the first roomate/apt. offer that came along? the other issue is that steve's feelings have obviously taken a back seat to the roomate's feelings. why is the roomate so "stressed out" by the idea of steve visiting if he is so purportedly "over" his crush on steve's gf? that makes no logical sense whatsovever. and if the gf isn't willing to see/hear that, then that, in and of itself, speaks volumes, imo.



i also think that while it would be considered uncool to admit to having feelings of mistrust or jealousy, a reluctance to admit those feelings and talk them out with the gf until they are acknowledged and addressed can only lead to bad endings. not talking about mistrust and jealousy doesn't make those things just magically go away. jealousy is a natural symptom of insecurity and insecurity can be cured with good communication and honesty on all parts.
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#15 Old 05-21-2005, 01:36 PM
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of course there could be extenuating circumstances, like was his gf in a desperate housing situation where she absolutely had to take the first roomate/apt. offer that came along?

She didn't have to move at all. I think she partly just wanted to get her own place, and partly it was because she wanted to be able to see Steve more often. I think we all see the irony in that one.



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why is the roomate so "stressed out" by the idea of steve visiting if he is so purportedly "over" his crush on steve's gf?

Well, supposedly he's stressed out over other stuff, and having a guest in the apartment would add more.



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i also think that while it would be considered uncool to admit to having feelings of mistrust or jealousy, a reluctance to admit those feelings and talk them out with the gf until they are acknowledged and addressed can only lead to bad endings. not talking about mistrust and jealousy doesn't make those things just magically go away. jealousy is a natural symptom of insecurity and insecurity can be cured with good communication and honesty on all parts.

Yeah, that's kind of what a lot of their recent arguments are about. They have been discussing it, but, "he's just being paranoid."

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#16 Old 05-21-2005, 01:52 PM
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She didn't have to move at all. I think she partly just wanted to get her own place, and partly it was because she wanted to be able to see Steve more often. I think we all see the irony in that one.



i think that her knowing that steve had more-than-friends feelings for her, and still making the decision to move in with him (or encourage a deeper friendship in any form, really) is a poor choice to make. if she really doesn't have any interest in steve as a bf but wants to remain on good terms with him as a friend, then she should have pulled back a bit and allowed him time to come to terms with the fact that a relationship of a romantic nature isn't happening. if that hasn't happened, she either isn't being totally upfront about her feelings for the roomate, or she's being self/manipulative, or she's just completely clueless about how her actions are hurting those around her. none of these are a good sign. :shrug:





Quote:
Well, supposedly he's stressed out over other stuff, and having a guest in the apartment would add more.



whatever that "other stuff" is, is his business and when he signed up to be roomates with other people he tacitly agreed to not let his own personal "stuff" interfere with his roomate's lives. that's just common sense, imo, and i lived with roomates for nearly eight years.





Quote:
Yeah, that's kind of what a lot of their recent arguments are about. They have been discussing it, but, "he's just being paranoid."



no, he's feeling insecure. there's a huge difference between the two. that his feelings are being so readily dismissed is a big waving red flag, as far as i'm concerned. his expectations that a) his gf would consider his feelings/needs/wants more important than a roomate's and b) his gf would take his discomfort with her living situation seriously and c) his gf wouldn't just write off his worries and sadness as "paranoia" are not unreasonable.



it just plain sounds bad, from the way you've written about it, tommy gunn. i hope i'm wrong, but unless there's some serious discussion (not arguing, discussing) about what's really going on on all levels, the relationship isn't heading into very good territory.



my instincts are telling me that this girl is actually more interested in her roomate than she's letting on or willing to admit, and that she's using steve's so-called "paranoia" as an excuse to begin the ending of their relationship. itf that is the case it would be more honorable of her to just be honest and end things without trying to make it steve's "fault" somehow.



good luck to your friend, tommy gunn.
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#17 Old 05-21-2005, 02:13 PM
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i think that her knowing that steve had more-than-friends feelings for her, and still making the decision to move in with him

No no, Steve is my friend, I never said the roommate's name. Sorry if that got confusing.



As for the rest of your post, I think you're pretty much spot-on.



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it just plain sounds bad, from the way you've written about it, tommy gunn. i hope i'm wrong, but unless there's some serious discussion (not arguing, discussing) about what's really going on on all levels, the relationship isn't heading into very good territory.

Yeah, it has gotten pretty bad...doesn't seem like this situation is easy to get out of. There's not a lot you can do when you live that far away and rarely see each other.

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#18 Old 05-21-2005, 02:40 PM
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ah, yes, i understood that steve is your friend and not the roomate. that was just a typo/brain fart on my part.



sorry about that.
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#19 Old 05-21-2005, 03:30 PM
 
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Hmm..I wonder how the girlfriend would feel if the tables were reversed. Would she be cool with having Steve live with a girl who had a thing for him?

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#20 Old 05-21-2005, 04:04 PM
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Hmm..I wonder how the girlfriend would feel if the tables were reversed. Would she be cool with having Steve live with a girl who had a thing for him?

Me too, I think he even asked her that once.

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#21 Old 05-21-2005, 07:33 PM
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Ya but Steve's girlfriend pays rent, so she shouldn't have to deal with much problems with giving her boyfriend (who's visiting from out of town) a place to say for more than 3 nights. That's just what I think. Although, I'm sure most reasonable roommates would agree. Obviously, when people start abusing that priviledge, having friends/SOs bumming around the apartment, then ya, something has to be done about it, so I can see why such a rule would be in effect.



Oh... I agree with you here. A serious talk to the flatmate is in order, or perhaps getting a new one even, but Steve just turning up against the flatmates wishes would casue way more problems than it would solve. After Steve leaves the flatmate has a good, solid 3 months to ***** about what an inconsiderate ******* he is.



Is there a reason why these two are leaving it long distance? Surely if Steve (or his girl) was genuinely interested in making it work, one would move out to the other? An every three months relationship sounds a bit like they are both waiting for "the real one". Perhaps it's time to move in or move on? The other thing in such a sporadic relationship is to go for an open one. Now, I don't like open relationships, so I'm not advising it here, but it is a choice.

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#22 Old 05-21-2005, 10:51 PM
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Steve's girlfriend jeapordized their relationship by moving in with someone when she knew this situation would occur. She is either misleading Steve about her committment to him, or she isn't mature enough for a serious relationship.
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#23 Old 05-22-2005, 12:56 AM
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Is there a reason why these two are leaving it long distance? Surely if Steve (or his girl) was genuinely interested in making it work, one would move out to the other?

Well, I think moving in together/near each other is just a huge step they don't want to rush into. Steve wants to be very sure it will work out, since moving across the country is not an easy or small thing to do. Of course now there are even more doubts that their relationship will work.

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#24 Old 05-22-2005, 01:01 AM
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Well, I think moving in together/near each other is just a huge step they don't want to rush into. Steve wants to be very sure it will work out, since moving across the country is not an easy or small thing to do. Of course now there are even more doubts that their relationship will work.



Well I think she should move to where Steve is, not the other way around.

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#25 Old 05-22-2005, 01:11 AM
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Steve's girlfriend jeapordized their relationship by moving in with someone when she knew this situation would occur. She is either misleading Steve about her committment to him, or she isn't mature enough for a serious relationship.



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#26 Old 05-22-2005, 09:08 AM
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Well, I think moving in together/near each other is just a huge step they don't want to rush into. Steve wants to be very sure it will work out, since moving across the country is not an easy or small thing to do. Of course now there are even more doubts that their relationship will work.



On the one hand,



1) If neither is willing to move, neither should expect the other to act like theyre married.



On the other,



2) From the reply you gave to newstars it sounds like she moved in with him in his place regardless of "Steve's" feelings against it. That in itself is a slap in the face considering its not hard at all to find roommates.



Then all of a sudden she finds out he has feelings for her? So assuming she is still being completely honest with "Steve", how many girls would still choose to live with a guy knowing hes probably playing pocket pinball in the next room, a guy thats going to hover over her and feel bad if she brings a boyfriend over, knowing she already has a boyfriend.



Conclusion:



If "Steve" wants to know exactly whats going on and how he stands hes going to have to go out there.



She is not being completely honest and from the way things are being described, hes not "just" a roommate...as someone said earlier "Steve" is being fed a partial truth to purposely mislead him.
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#27 Old 05-22-2005, 09:28 AM
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2) From the reply you gave to newstars it sounds like she moved in with him in his place regardless of "Steve's" feelings against it. That in itself is a slap in the face considering its not hard at all to find roommates.

I don't know exactly how they got the idea, but they got an apartment together (as opposed to him already having one and her moving in). You're right about the second part--Steve told her that it would cause problems.



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Then all of a sudden she finds out he has feelings for her?

No, she knew about it *before* she decided to get an apartment with him.

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#28 Old 05-22-2005, 09:41 AM
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I dunno... her and Steve just need a good talk in person. I can't speak for the girl, but for me if I was in a relationship that let me only see the man once every few months or so, I'd assume it wasn't all that serious. To me, that is a casual relationship, and the girl can do as she pleases with flatmates and the like. But I want to emphasise, that is me, not her.

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#29 Old 05-22-2005, 12:47 PM
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I misunderstood then when you said she moved in with him (I took it to mean she moved to his place).



And the last part is even worse.



Like Kiz said its time for a serious talk on where Steve stands, what they both want and how far each is willing to go to get it.



This is probably happening either because she is too afraid to say the bad news and will hope Steve gives up and breaks it off with her (so she can say you broke it off if any future problems arise while having a pseudo guilt free conscience) or shes just playing the field and wants a safety net for the moment (or a Steve-net I should say).



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I don't know exactly how they got the idea, but they got an apartment together (as opposed to him already having one and her moving in). You're right about the second part--Steve told her that it would cause problems.





No, she knew about it *before* she decided to get an apartment with him.

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#30 Old 05-22-2005, 03:35 PM
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No, she knew about it *before* she decided to get an apartment with him.



Which is why Steve should cut his losses now if she isn't willing to own up to her mistake and fix (ie move somewhere else eg back home, new roomate). I have feeling things are going to get worse for Steve and that, due to the nature of long distances relationships, Steve's girlfriend is stringing Steve along in a way she couldn't get away with in a normal, not long distance, relationship.
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