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#1 Old 05-13-2005, 03:50 AM
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This has been the worst day of my life. I almost cheated on my fiance, and then he found out. It awakened my inner feelings, that are, I'm not ready for a serious relationship. Essentially, I miss partying and dicking around. I'm only sixteen, after all. Anyways, we had a big fight in class, then he came over, and i told him straight up that I was feeling smothered. Then he asked if I was breaking up with him. I said pretty much, because I don't want to do him wrong while I am with him. That broke his heart. I am the only person in his life who he loves, and I am a selfish *******. We finally worked out that we are taking a break for a month. I feel like I am walking all over him, because he loves me to death, and i broke up with him to see other guys and party. What have I done?! I would die for this guy! I'm just so confused right now, and I feel like a jackass.
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#2 Old 05-13-2005, 03:55 AM
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Sounds like you're both better off without the other.
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#3 Old 05-13-2005, 04:44 AM
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It sounds like you're definitely not ready to be engaged to someone. I think you did the right thing. As you said, you're only 16. You can definitely have strong and real feelings, but you're still sorting yourselves out.
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#4 Old 05-13-2005, 05:08 AM
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Smothering (depending on the motive) is not such a great gift to give in love and is not what you need, you might think you need it for moments at a time to feel what its like, and thats ok to try in moderation, whereas in your case (not in moderation) what then happens is that moments and the feelings brought on by those intense moments (namely make or break moments in this case) are for I can only suppose an adventure in love, and what I guess probably made you feel like getting engaged for emotional security(or other/whatever the thing).....like the basics of a place for love to establish but which can turn out in residual/sticky mess, but to develop experimentally in a brave (and/or sometimes nieve) step is sometimes necessary like many people young invariably do anyways~ to find out these things and what spontaneity can do. :Plug-in/Cue-hamster-rush-at-a-pace-smiley:



Ya know the nature of life in a kaotic world is haphazard, but at least you made a quite solid intention I guess about that (proposing engagement) which shouldn't be a half-hearted thing or measure, but until sanctified, professed/(whatever) its just as off as on right(?) until comes a time like the situation your in now and need space to think/chill/break/calm down, etc.



However cherishable those moments, and risk partaking, your learning sees now how perishable they can be too if overly smothered by either one or the other (or both, not so bad).



With just one doing the smothering (apparently him) you will sure enuff kick off, but its good you told him straight earlyish and that he won't need to wonder for a month about what your immediate feelings are <<---Good thing (and to have not suppressed is good)..... However both you's are sure to be evaluating the risk you've undertaken in urge of spontaneity (and what you've learnt from it) by having entered a relationship as you did full on in a short space of time.... (but perhaps thats what felt right at the time).
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#5 Old 05-13-2005, 07:27 AM
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i think that you're on the right track. there's nothing selfish about taking care of yourself and doing what is best for you.
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#6 Old 05-13-2005, 10:25 AM
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You're 16!!! There aren't many couples who start dating at such a young age, last without infidelity and can look back and not think "what if". You're waaaaaaaay too young to be engaged. Take some time apart, go do your thing, get it out of your system and then if ya'll are meant to be, it will happen. You will do so much changing between now and 18 and it's better for the both of you to take a break, IMO.
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#7 Old 05-13-2005, 10:28 AM
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that's why you don't get engaged at 16 dear ....

take a break, see what happens
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#8 Old 05-13-2005, 10:34 AM
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What have you done? You've done the right thing. Don't be too hard on yourself, at 16 you're meant to be out partying and having fun. On his part, if you are the only person in his life he loves, he needs to extend himself, find friends, love himself too, before he settles down. And it is only a break right? If you're truly right for each other you'll get back together after a month and be stronger for it. And I must second all the others who say 16 is too young to be engaged.

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#9 Old 05-13-2005, 10:44 AM
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Yup. Very good move.



And wasn't he a lot older then you, too? He's just on a different wave then you, that's all. Take your time. There isn't any rush.
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#10 Old 05-13-2005, 12:06 PM
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Hell I'm 20 and did almost the same exact thing (I wasn't engaged though...just in a really serious relationship).



Cheers.
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#11 Old 05-13-2005, 12:13 PM
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When I broke up with my long term boyfriend, it turned out to be both extremely difficult and enlightening. It broke his heart ... and mine. In the end, I think we are both better off. I was completely dependent on him, like perhaps your boyfriend was/is on you. It wasn't healthy for either of us. Facing all my fears, being single again, and proving to myself that I can make it on my own makes all the struggles worth while. I know I am a stronger person. You will be, too.
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#12 Old 05-13-2005, 01:47 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kpickell View Post

Sounds like you're both better off without the other.

ditto, probably the one time i like what he said
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#13 Old 05-13-2005, 04:43 PM
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You are young, and you want to enjoy being young. I don't see any problem with that. If your boyfriend was hurt by this, I can understand it. I was like that when I was a teenager, too. Always more serious about relationships than other kids my age. Getting hurt was just par for the course. You can't take that on yourself, Former. The timing just isn't right, it's nothing against you.







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#14 Old 05-13-2005, 05:05 PM
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Well, he came over again today, and be was so upset. He kissed me. That made it really hard. All I want is a break, to get everything out of my system, and then get back together. He wants to get back together. I feel so guilty, because he knows that while we are apart, i'll date other people. I feel terrible.
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#15 Old 05-13-2005, 05:11 PM
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Wow this I must say is tough stuff. 1) you're sixteen, and obviously you don't want to get married next week. I don't think it's selfish for you to be honest about that and to let him know it's just too serious for you...too much too soon. quite frankly, I rather think it's smart of you. It sounds like you have done this as kindly as possible, ie, you are still friends and are going to think on things for a month.



But on the other hand 2) even though you are young, looking at it from a relativist standpoint, these things are very important...relationships, how you solve problems, and dating...you are really 'practicing' for the kind of full grown adult you want to be. A friend gave me that bit of advice a few weeks ago (and I'm 36), "It's all just practice hon," she said. It is. I think we would all do well to look at life that way.



Remember you don't have to decide who you want to marry tomorrow, next week or even ten years from now. You are in control of yourself.



B
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#16 Old 05-13-2005, 05:13 PM
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Maybe it would help if you didn't think of it as a binary thing? Like, either you are engaged right now or you'll never be with him again? You can break with him now, and end up getting back together later.



One of my best friends started dating her now-husband when she was 17. At 18 they took a two year break (he was going overseas) and ended up getting back together when he came back. So the story had both a break and a happy ending.
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#17 Old 05-13-2005, 06:28 PM
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Yes it will be hard on him.



My boyfriend did the same thing to me... and it broke my heart. 6 months later I was still crying almost every night because of it. I was in a state of severe depression. Yes it sucked being dumped by the only person to show me what true happiness is. HOWEVER, I learned a whole lot from that experience. Most importantly I started going to therepy, I learned a lot about myself, I learned I have people here for me, and eventually I learned how to better accept things and how to be happy without him.



We are back together now and I truely believe that it made our relationship 10x stronger.



Just thinking about that gave me a lump in my throat.
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#18 Old 05-13-2005, 08:32 PM
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FB, it is completely natural to feel awful for hurting someone. However, please don't let those feelings overcome your common sense and guilt you into dating him again unless you truly want to.



You guys might get back together, you might not. But what is important right now is doing what is best for you.



You did the right thing and were honest with both him and yourself. That takes a lot of guts, maturity, and honesty. Good luck, FB. Be true to yourself, that's what's important.



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#19 Old 05-13-2005, 08:36 PM
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I think you did the right thing by being honest.



But be careful. It will be hard for you, too, and you might be tempted to continue some modified relationship where you can go out with other guys but keep him around when you feel lonely for him. But also be careful not to give him false hope if you know deep down that you need to be free. Sometimes people try to have these relationships on "new terms" but really one person is constantly hurt and disappointed while the other gets to have their cake and eat it too. Not that you will or are doing this. You've been honest and done the right thing.
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#20 Old 05-13-2005, 09:28 PM
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Although being honest isn't always easy, and it doesn't always make the other person happy at the time you are being honest with them, I think that in the long run when you lie to someone it makes things much much worse over time. Just keep being honest with him and with yourself. When you feel torn then you should just take a step back. I think what is hard with things like this is that there will be some days when you do want to be with him and some days that you don't and you will keep asking yourself what the heck does it mean. It doesn't make you a bad person. It just means you aren't ready to make any big permanent decisions. Do what feels right and just be honest at all times. Don't beat yourself up for feeling two different ways at once. Life isn't always black and white and we can't expect our feelings to be clear all the time. It makes things confusing which sucks but it's just the way it is.
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#21 Old 05-13-2005, 11:04 PM
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I wasn't even this depressed when I was anorexic. Anyways, he went to los angeles for his cousins party. It would have been harder on me if he was actually here. I wonder what he is feeling, and I guess i'm so depressed because he is hurt. This whole thing seems unreal.
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#22 Old 05-13-2005, 11:05 PM
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And thanks for all of the kind words.
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