survey for the married and engaged - VeggieBoards
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#1 Old 05-20-2003, 11:13 AM
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I'm curious...



How long did you date before getting engaged?



How long were you engaged before getting married?



And... what made you/ your s.o. decide it was time?
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#2 Old 05-20-2003, 11:23 AM
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We dated for a little over a year before becoming engaged... We were engaged for 11 months. We basically knew after the first few dates that our relationship was something special. He's divorced and I had been in a couple serious relationships in the past so we knew what we wanted and didn't want, and I think we both knew almost from the start that this was different than anything we'd experienced before.



We also moved in together 6 months after we started dating, so after 6 months of living together (around the time we got engaged) we knew it was right, and by the time we got married we had been living together for about a year and a half. The timing was perfect for us. We moved a little more quickly than some people do (living together so soon) but when you know, you know.



We've been married for 8 months now.
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#3 Old 05-20-2003, 12:15 PM
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We dated 6 weeks, were engaged 6 more weeks, been married 25 years. It was not love at first sight, but almost.
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#4 Old 05-20-2003, 12:57 PM
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He moved in with me after a week. Got engaged exactly six months after our first date, and married exactly a year after that. I just knew, and even after hitting rock bottom in our marriage I still knew, and now our marriage is better than ever.
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#5 Old 05-20-2003, 02:10 PM
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we started dating in april. by the end of the school year (mid may) i had a choice to make: either walk off and be single or stay and be committed for the rest of my life--as far as i could see it anyway.



so, i took the risk and decided to stay with him. We started living together the following december--nine months later. The following october, we got engaged.



five years later, in october, we got married. That was 7 months ago.



we are very slow people. it's weird to me to be married so soon. but it's been hard for me to be married. although thing with my husband are fine, my social conditions changed--and so did the way i was treated by friends and coworkers. even church members and random people on the street. It's really weird. Like i'm no longer a full person, but rather an attachment under the rules and permissions of my husband. To be honest, this aspect of "marriage" i don't like so much.



and if i had to do it again, i probably wouldn't "get married" but rather just stay committed and "single" as before.



but i'm really independent and i have strong feminist tendencies. I didn't realize what impact it would have on my social standing to the outside world--beyond the relationship between my husband and i. I've even toyed with divorcing just to get out of the social BS.
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#6 Old 05-20-2003, 02:40 PM
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We started off as housemates, after a few months we "got together". I got pregnant about the first time we had sex ( just too darn fertile! ). We have a 3yr old son and have been married for a little over a year. We have the best relationship in the world. He's the best husband and father imaginable ( pretty darn cute and vegan too ! ) .
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#7 Old 05-20-2003, 02:50 PM
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We dated for about a year and a half and then we moved in together. We had just gotten out of grad school and moved half way across the country together to a town where neither of us knew anyone. I had gotten a job there and he came along and got a job there too. We lived together for a little over a year when we got engaged and got married about a year after that. So we got married about 3.5 years after we first started dating. We'll be married 5 years this fall and we have two beautiful daughters. More info than you asked for but that's my story!
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#8 Old 05-20-2003, 03:42 PM
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we moved in together 10 months after dating, got engaged 8 months later, got married 1 year after that. he's such a sweetie pie - a great husband and father.



i remember seeing him at the mall with his girlfriend at the time years before we even started dating and i said "i want him for myself" then never really thought of it again. and i got him!!
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#9 Old 05-20-2003, 04:06 PM
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I'm glad I'm not the only person who moved in with my guy so soon....



Lets see here. I started spending the night at his place on our second date. (it just felt right, I dunno) I've never acted like that before....We offically moved in together 7 months later, but before that I would go two weeks at a time without going to my own place.



We've been living together (the offical living together) for 2 years in June.



We've been dating for 2 years and 7 months and plan on getting married in August.



I know its right for me. I dated this one guy for 3 years. We got along really well, everybody else thought we would get married except for me, we had a great relationship and even now I still talk to him once in awhile as friends. I just couldn't picture my futrue with this guy. With Dave I can picture the future. Thats how I know its right.
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#10 Old 05-20-2003, 06:05 PM
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We dated for three months before moving in together. After a year and a half, we bought a house together, then became engaged after two years together. That was ten months ago and we'll be married this Saturday!



I guess we were very ready to get married since we already were raising his kids together and living in a house that we own together.
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#11 Old 05-20-2003, 06:36 PM
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After our first date, which took place after we'd known each other for three days, we spent the night together, but observed limits neither of us wanted to observe, so after another week of spending every single evening together, we had our second date and did what we wanted to do. From that time on, we spent nearly every night together at my place, occasionally at hers, until her lease ran out, then she moved in with me.



We were engaged roughly 10 months after she first started spending the night and married almost exactly 10 months after that. We've been married just about 7 months now.
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#12 Old 05-20-2003, 08:42 PM
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We dated for eight months. He had asked me out a few times before I finally dated him. I really was not attracted to him when I first met him. I did like his car. After he got new glasses and I saw him out of his uniform (we worked together) I agreed to go out with him.



We were engaged for a year and a week (I needed to graduate high school). He had a house, I lived with my parents but we were together every moment we could squeeze in.



Eleven days out of high school we married. Everyone said I was too young and that it would never work. They generally gave us from two weeks to two years. I did not care; at the time I did not see marriage as any more of a commitment then living together. In my mind the only difference was the big party and the gifts. No one I knew broke up happy and stable, I did not think divorce could be any worse emotionally then just breaking up (never thought about the financial cost of divorce).



This June the solstice will mark out 28th year together as man and wife.



By the way Zoe-- you are not one to let others lead you! Show them a better way.... make your own social BS! I have so much confidence in your heart and style.
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#13 Old 05-20-2003, 08:50 PM
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Met my wife in law school (she was doing her MBA) and dated for about a year before we got engaged. Engaged for about a year before we got married. Been married for 18 years now and don't regret it, even though like everyone in a relationship we've had peaks and valleys. Now if she'd just quit hiding my guns and ammo . . .
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#14 Old 05-20-2003, 09:29 PM
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I have had three relationships that all ended after about 2 years. None of these men were ready to get married. Now that I am older and will date men older than those three (the oldest of which was 23), how long should I wait before I try to get on the same page about where the relationship is headed, if it could lead to marriage? I don't want to waste years and years with men I am never going to marry.



So, especially for the men, at what point does a guy start knowing that he is open to marriage or that he knows he has no plans for that at all? (of course evey guy is different, just want some general advice)
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#15 Old 05-20-2003, 10:34 PM
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I wouldn't call it "dating". LOL We were together in a very casual no strings attached sense, then it got attached, and about 2 months after we admitted we were ni a relationship we moved in together (with a friend). It was no big deal to us. We were together for 4 and a half years (had been living together for 4) when he asked me. We probably won't be getting married until I finish my PhD which is two years away, as I'd get too distracted. He just decided it felt right, we were committed to each other and it really didn't need to be formalised, but he said it felt right. And I agreed.
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#16 Old 05-20-2003, 11:32 PM
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Quote:
Originally posted by Thalia

I have had three relationships that all ended after about 2 years. None of these men were ready to get married. Now that I am older and will date men older than those three (the oldest of which was 23), how long should I wait before I try to get on the same page about where the relationship is headed, if it could lead to marriage? I don't want to waste years and years with men I am never going to marry.



So, especially for the men, at what point does a guy start knowing that he is open to marriage or that he knows he has no plans for that at all? (of course evey guy is different, just want some general advice)



Being a man, first and foremost, and being something of a serial monogamist, I'd say that a guy will know if you're the one for him fairly quickly, if he's ready to get married at all. Now this doesn't apply in 100% of all cases, obviously, since everyone is different, but in my conversations with other men, guys like that comfort zone of a good girlfriend, but could go without getting married for a really long time, and then they'll realize you're not the one for that step. Then they'll be in "search and marry" mode, perhaps without realizing it, and for the longest time before this I never even wanted to get married.



Looking back on when I met my wife, I realize I was in a "search and marry" mode. I was dating around a bit at the time, and had been seeing one particular girl for a few months, but never really took it very seriously, though I started getting signals that she did. Then I met my wife and I realized what I had been looking for. I knew fairly quickly that she was someone that complemented me quite well, and with whom I could grow, in addition to lots of other pluses.



Of course, some men get married because they feel like they have to, which is a huge mistake.



So, to distill this and all the unsaid stuff down to a "Marriage for Dummies" statement: If it isn't obvious, then he's probably still looking around for the next best thing.
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#17 Old 05-21-2003, 08:19 AM
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thalia:



if i were you, when dating, i would stop thinking about marrying at all. Tell yourself (and believe it), that it's ok to NOT ever marry, that it doesn't matter if you do--because you're valuable anyway.



and if you are a serial monogamist, or not, you'll still have a great life with lots of companionship of all sorts. being unmarried is actually VERY NICE when people stop trying to get married.



i never think of time as a single gal dating lots of guys as "wasting time" with people. Sometimes i really enjoyed them, and sometimes it was like : here today, gone tomorrow. it's the nature of being single--and it's actually really good.



what i looked for was a person who was what i wanted to be with, rather that looking for a husband. If he never married me, i would be ok. If we broke up--even after a b-zillion years--that would be ok. Because time spent with him would be good time, regardless of whether or not we get married.



I have no idea why people rush into marriage. There are a lot of burdens in it--but then most women don't even see them. They don't even begin to understand their cultural context, they just want to be married by some indoctrinated social drive. men are subject to it too. My husband has no concept of what i go through on a daily basis. His life is golden. he got everything when he got a wife: "stability," a "trophey," a "caregiver," and generally higher social standing. I, on the other hand, got very little socially, except that if i'm not sitting comfy in the social normalization, i'm a "bad wife" and "too independent" and "not helpful or caring to ryan."



but darn it, i'm not his mommy or his maid, or his prize. I am a full human being with my own needs and desires--and if that means not having kids, or not being some simpering "wifey" idiot. . .then i'd rather be ME than something else.



Yes, i'm bitter too. but i'm heading to the inlaws this weekend, and they take issues with me:



"i thought you'd calm down after the wedding, and understood the joys of being a legitimate woman."



gotta love that sort of statement. As if i wasn't a legitimate woman before!



Followed by all the questions:



when is the baby coming? (and all related)



Like i'm a baby factory.



and "you're not treating him right" if i'm not doing X, Y, or z--which by thw ay, as a grown man, he can do by himself. Hello?



trust me love, get some feminist in you. Get some independence. DOwn with marriage! LOL
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#18 Old 05-21-2003, 12:29 PM
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I've never felt any burden in being married, zoebird. Sounds like most of the problems you encountered after getting married came from a backward society. And, yeah, screw them.



My wife is her own person, and we're fortunate that my family is very cool and that they all love her madly. She is very independent and has her own set of goals and opinions, but when she's had a hard day, she's confused, stressed, sad or even when she has good news, she wants to share it with me. Just 15 minutes ago, she called to tell me how one of the higher-level staff members where she works came up and congratulated her on being the number one student in her molecular genetics class. She was excited that word was getting around and that people were talking about her so positively. I was so happy to be included in that.



When I was growing up I thought marriage was a load of crap, and I always thought being a serial monogamist was good enough for me but, after a while, it wasn't. I really can't explain it. I'm not religious. I don't believe in locking someone into a contract. But that commitment, that vow, it means something. It's an expression of love that transcends merely being together.



I'm just glad I waited until I was 31 to do it, unlike just about everyone else in my family, many of whom got married in their late teens or very early 20s, and ALL of whom have been divorced at least once.
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#19 Old 05-21-2003, 12:31 PM
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Engaged after three months here and married a year later. We've been together for about 10 years now.
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#20 Old 05-21-2003, 01:05 PM
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zoebird-

I totally agree in that I should not have a fear in not getting married, I am totally cool with that. I am also cool with never having kids. But I would prefer both of these things, therefore I prefer to date men who are able to commit. I have a tendency to drag relationships way past their run and then it takes me a year or two to even want to date again. So if I am 28 and would prefer to have a child (and I want to have a partner for this), I need to at least try to weed out relationships with men who are not interested in making a commitment to me.



I agree, none of them are a waste in and of themselves, but they are if you are not getting that commitment you want and as a result passing up a man who would want to share his life with you instead of dumping you when he gets bored.



Don't worry about my feminist side. I don't stress about getting married, I just want to be mindful of my relationships instead of just leaving it up to fate. And in fact, one of my goals before marriage is a house. I want to experience even if only briefly, owning property that is mine, all mine!



And epski-

There is a scene in Sex and the City when the women talk about men who couldn't commit to them and then commit to someone else later on bc they are suddenly ready. They conclude that men are like taxi cabs, you have to get them when their light is on!
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#21 Old 05-21-2003, 01:25 PM
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zoebird- I am sorry you have had such a bad experience! It sounds like some people have treated you like a second class citizen because you are a woman and a wife and that sucks!



Marriage can be a wonderful thing. I feel like my husband and I are equal and I haven't felt much pressure from outsiders for me to act a certain way as a married woman. We do have two children now and I think of us as a family more than a couple now. I do think having that commitment is important in solidifying us as a family. My husband and I work pretty well together and we are partners in parenting, work, household stuff, everything. I agree with what epski said, when I have a bad day or big (or small) news to share, my husband is the first person I want to talk to. We are both definitely our own seperate people but we are a part of something larger too.



Tell those inlaws to leave you alone! That really makes me mad!
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#22 Old 05-21-2003, 01:46 PM
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I never thought much about marriage, until now I'm with a guy who seems like he could be the "settling down type" (no roving eyes, no problem calling me his girlfriend, and his parents are still happily married).



I love him dearly and I know he reciprocates (he once took me to a dentist appointment just so he could spend time with me). The thing is, we've been together 6 months and we haven't talked about our future together-- I have to make guesses based on things he says.



He's told all his friends that he's going to move to be closer to me when I move at the end of the summer (see my post "is this normal?"). On the other hand, the other night he was relating a conversation he had with his friends, where he said that he was "not opposed to the institution of marriage, but not thinking about getting married any time soon."



He didn't say that in the context of "us." And I don't think he was saying it as a hint to me ("hey girl, don't get your hopes up") b/c he's really not that calculating-- he just tends to muse out loud a lot, which can be confusing for me. But, now that I read some of the previous posts that say if you don't *know* then there's not a future... should I be worried that what he really means is that he doesn't see anything long term for us?



btw, he's 30 and has an established career, so it's not like he's a babe in the woods.
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#23 Old 05-21-2003, 02:03 PM
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pirata- although it sounds scary, maybe the best thing to do is to just ask. You don't have to force him to give you specifics, but if you have something in mind for your relationship, it is a good idea to be on the same page.
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#24 Old 05-21-2003, 11:58 PM
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Quote:
Originally posted by Thalia

And epski-

There is a scene in Sex and the City when the women talk about men who couldn't commit to them and then commit to someone else later on bc they are suddenly ready. They conclude that men are like taxi cabs, you have to get them when their light is on!



It helps if you're standing on the right street in the right neighborhood and wearing the right clothes, too.
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#25 Old 05-22-2003, 07:53 AM
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How long did you date before getting engaged? 5 months, but we had been friends for 12 years



How long were you engaged before getting married? 4 months



And... what made you/ your s.o. decide it was time? it just felt right
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#26 Old 05-22-2003, 08:38 AM
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thalia:



you have the right idea then. when i dated, i used a "three strike" policy. I would go out on three datyes with a guy and if i dind' tlike him for any reason, i would not date him anymore. it was a very quick way of getting to know a lot of people.



anyway, i think the biggest problem that you have is the "dragging the relationship on too long." that's really what you need to work on. after that, it's smooth sailing. It's about being honest with yourself and analysing your relationship to make sure that you get what you need. if you're not, tell him. If it doens't change--abandon ship ASAP. My sister has a 3 month process for this before she breaks up with a guy. . .and it works for her. mine was much quicker (see three strikes above). I would usually ditch before i commited at all.



i think it's cool that you want to own your own house before you marry. it's a great goal. there are lots of good loans out there for people too right now, with low interest rates and the market is pretty hot. If you have a good job, you'll be surprised what you can qualify for. I certainly support you in that endeavor; it's an excellent one.



Sit down an dmake a list of the attributes that you want in a significant other. All sorts of things: spiritual qualities, behavoiral qualities, hobbies and interests, jobs, education, even looks. Make a list, from one to five. Like so:



Looks

1. brown eyes

2. fit body, musclar legs (big requirement for me, not sure why, except that most guys around here have bird legs)

3. green eyes

4. endomorph==but still fit

5. honey colored hair.



so, my number one interest in looks is brown eyes. and, i'm looking for fit, active men. (at least, when i started this list way back when). But, i'm not "married" to brown eyes. I just recognize that i prefer it.



and then these qualities come behind things like



Education:

1. prefer graduate degree

2. must have university degree

3. if no university degree, must be active, intellegent, autodydactic.



or



Interests:

1. strong spiritual practice, prefer liberal or eastern influenced beliefs

2. christian, preferably catholic--liberal catholic

3. open minded about religion

4. fitness and out doors activities

5. weight lifting, specifically; yoga as well.



so, what i'm doing--although this isn't entirely accurate--is that i'm making a picture of the kind of person (male or female) that i want to be around, what things i value most, and then i can start looking for these qualities. I particulrly found value in my "perspective on women" list--which cut out a lot of guys while i was dating.



turns out, my husband made a similar list--and although he wrote that he prefered brunettes, he actually likes blondes better, and ended up with me anyway.



to all:



my relationship with my husband and my commitment to him is the same as it was before we were married. I really didn't change, or feel locked into, anything once we were married--as i was already commited. As for your descriptions of your relationships, mine is similar. My husband and i talk about everything, support each other, etc etc. I truly do love him.



i'm just not sure that i "love" being married, since there are a lot of social stigmas that neither my husband nor i fit into. he mentioned to me that when you are different, you're always different. So really, it's no different than before we were married, when we were "living in sin" and perfectly happy with that--although people had problems with it.



anyway.
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#27 Old 05-22-2003, 08:40 AM
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pirata:



i'm with thalia. seems to me that you have a communication problem that you need to work out.



good luck!
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#28 Old 05-22-2003, 12:18 PM
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Holy ****. If I had to fit into some box that was pre-designated by the woman I was interested in, I'd want to know before the first date so that I could call it off.
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#29 Old 05-22-2003, 01:15 PM
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I believe everyone has a dream about what they want their life to be. It can be abstract or it can be very detailed, but one way or another, you know where you would like your life, in general, to go. All you have to do is find a partner whose dream looks like yours. What do I mean by this?



I knew I wanted a husband, two kids, a house, and I wanted to live in LA. I wanted a man who had a job, a car, and didnt live with his parents. Also, I wanted a man who loved me for who I was, not who he wanted me to be. Thats it!



Well, after I graduated from college, I went to work on a movie as a wardrobe girl. There was this man who I thought was so cute. We got to talking and to make a long story short, we began to date. He had all the qualities I wanted-car, job, etc. Our favorite thing to do was walk along the ocean and talk about our futures. We talked about everything, how many kids we wanted, how long we wanted to work for, what we thought a good marrage looked like, our families, etc. His dream was much more colorful than mine. He actually had details about exactly where he wanted to live and other details that fit perfectly into my dream. And the best thing was, except for asking me to become a vegetarian, he didnt want to change me at all!



We dated for a year and on our annaversary he proposed and exactly 11 months later we were married, on the beach where we would plan our future! We even had a vegetarian wedding. Now, I have an amazing 9 month old son



My advice, TALK about everything first. You must plan your life before you get married. And do your best to see your partner for who they are and make sure you can live with them for the rest of your life exactly the way they are, because you cant take chances on expecting them to change.



And finally, my biggest piece of advice: Women, understand that men dont communicate in the same way you do. We use words, they use actions. What are his actions telling you? Does he go out of his way to make you happy? Does he take out the garbage when you ask him to or does he wait a few days? Does he choose to hang out with you even when a big game is on? If his actions tell you he loves you, then he probably does, even if he doesnt say it enough. Does he cuddle with you and steal glances at you and is he proud to have you by his side when you go to parties? Then he finds you attractive, even if he doesnt say it enough. Trust me.
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#30 Old 05-22-2003, 01:43 PM
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Quote:
Originally posted by beachgirl



And finally, my biggest piece of advice: Women, understand that men dont communicate in the same way you do. We use words, they use actions. What are his actions telling you? Does he go out of his way to make you happy? Does he take out the garbage when you ask him to or does he wait a few days? Does he choose to hang out with you even when a big game is on? If his actions tell you he loves you, then he probably does, even if he doesnt say it enough. Does he cuddle with you and steal glances at you and is he proud to have you by his side when you go to parties? Then he finds you attractive, even if he doesnt say it enough. Trust me.



Hee hee...this is pretty much the opposite of me and my guy. He does all the cuddly stuff, too, but he's much more verbal about things than I am.
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