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#1 Old 01-23-2005, 07:25 PM
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so after two years of pushing guys away i finally stopped focusing on it and actually met a guy! we totally clicked, and we were "together" but not yet going out. but you could tell we would. also to make matter worse we were intimate. anyways one night he was at my place and he had to leave to go pick up beer for his friends (we had just fininshed having sex). he asked if i wanted to come back to his place after. i said maybe and he said he would call me. anyways that was at 11, and at 1:00 i called him and he didnt pick up. he calls the next day at 4 in the afternoon to tell me that he had a long talk with his friend (his roommates ex) and they are now dating. i was like are you joking?? i am horribly hurt. i have been single for two years, but recently i had been sooo lonely, and i was soo happy that i had finally opened up to somebody and liked somebody again etc. im so hurt. i really dont want to dwell on this, and let it stop me from meeting guys again etc. any advice at all...im so upset
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#2 Old 01-23-2005, 07:32 PM
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wow, what an *******. Seriously. I've never experienced this to your extent, but i know what it's like to be single for a looooooong time, then have that fleeting hope of a romance and then BOOM! it's gone. it's over before it began. I can definitely relate, but again, your situation is more intense, considering you were sexually active with this guy. honestly, what a jerk. Just realize how much better you are than him, and move on. If he ever jerks you around again, cut him loose. You deserve much better.



Not all guys are like this. Don't lose hope!
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#3 Old 01-23-2005, 07:33 PM
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thank you for your advice. i keep trying to tell myself not all guys are like this....its just so hard when they seem to be hiding or something..
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#4 Old 01-23-2005, 07:43 PM
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Him=*******.



You take the experience as an opportunity for some sexin' and a warm-up for the guy whose really worth it.



He'd probably been into the Ho for a while, and they'd had a history. You, in this scenario, were the fresh, new, exciting girl he couldn't help but give it a whirl with. You are still that irresistable morsel. And someone else will recognize it, too.
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#5 Old 01-23-2005, 08:11 PM
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i keep trying to tell myself that, but i feel like its been so long since ive had somebody.... i cant go another two years im oooh sooo lonely
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#6 Old 01-23-2005, 09:38 PM
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What a horrid feeling! But you are the gorgeous and single woman who deserves oh so much more than he was able to offer. Get out there and start saying hi to the cuties you see as you live your life!
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#7 Old 01-23-2005, 09:46 PM
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awh thankyou, maybe ill try opening up a bit more
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#8 Old 01-23-2005, 10:21 PM
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Well, speaking as a guy, that kind of behavior isn't a guy thing, it's a jerk thing, and jerks come from both gender groups. I would never treat a person like that.



However, if you want, I'll thump him for ya.







The Rev
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#9 Old 01-23-2005, 10:28 PM
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Im sorry, I can imagine how much that hurt. I just wanted to give you a big hug.
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#10 Old 01-23-2005, 10:46 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by The Rev View Post

Well, speaking as a guy, that kind of behavior isn't a guy thing, it's a jerk thing, and jerks come from both gender groups. I would never treat a person like that.



However, if you want, I'll thump him for ya.







The Rev



unfortunetly i have yet to meet a guy....i have only met jerks he could use a slight beating hehe

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#11 Old 01-24-2005, 01:52 AM
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Wow.Jerk.What an ass.



He had sex?Then said that? O.k this is when you quietly ask to retrieve something from his dwelling and replace his shampoo with nair.



Seriously,he sucks.You were lucky that the God's got rid of him for you!



Ther IS someone for you,you ARE beautiful and loveable and you will just have to be patient!Get busy on animal right's stuff and you will find your true love when you least expect it (that's for Falafelsrule,too !)



Huggs.Love comes when you are busy making other plans!
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#12 Old 01-24-2005, 02:47 AM
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aaaww...what a jerk!!am so sorry u had to go thru that...am kinda like u, coz i push guys away...then when am too lonely i meet...yup, u guessed it...a jerk..

but i get over it..and u will too..i also try to convince my self that not all men are the same...so thats what am tellin u...the right guy will creep up on u when u least expect it

and rev...u probably should thump him..
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#13 Old 01-24-2005, 03:08 AM
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Well not sleeping with a guy before you even go on a date would be a good place to start. Do you think that's all you have to offer? If it is then you need to work on that. I don't know you all that well but I do know that you deserve to be treated better than that. As soon as you said he needed to go buy beer for his friends I knew how it was going to end. Sorry that happened to you.

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#14 Old 01-24-2005, 04:56 AM
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Originally Posted by DeathOfDecadenc View Post

thank you for your advice. i keep trying to tell myself not all guys are like this....its just so hard when they seem to be hiding or something..



Yeah, all guys are not like that. Try finding a vegan guy who does not drink alcohol. We tend treat women with the respect they deserve.
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#15 Old 01-24-2005, 10:28 AM
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i think you need to let go of time a little bit and let go of needing a relationship. before i met my husband, i'd never been in a relationship--so that was 20 yrs alone and you could say that since i was only interested in having boyfriends for some of those years, for 6 or 7 years. It really is ok to be without someone.



next, i would say that you should probably learn some appropriate boundaries in relationships. i agree with michael, basicly, that perhaps you should be in a relationship before you start sleeping with people. it builds a strong emotional connection, so perhaps you should have a foundation on which to build first. I'm not saying you're a bad person or anything--it's an issue about boundaries and appropriateness and getting what you want and deserve out of a relationship.



And finally, what is it that you want out of a relationship? the escape from feeling lonely? it's not going to happen. People aren't put on this earth to fill your time. They're here for their own purposes with their own desires and needs. In a relationship, the other person volunteers to be with you, support you, fulfill some of your needs--and you do the same. It's challenging, it's fun, and it's deeply healing. It's not a romance novel-esque time filler to keep you from loneliness and boredom.



Just some perspective changes, ok? simple really: 1. let go of the ideas of needing a relationship and the time between relationships having some meaning or value; 2. learn appropriate boundaries for yourself; and 3. figure out what you want out of relationships, what they are and how they work.



GOod luck!
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#16 Old 01-24-2005, 10:38 AM
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He wanted, and got, ass. ::shrug:: A person isn't a "tempting morsel" if they give in. Ahh...hump & dumps.
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#17 Old 01-24-2005, 10:58 AM
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This happened to me a long time ago and boy does it hurt! One thing I learned from this is that some guys just don't think of sex as the very important thing that I consider it to be. I was about 24 at the time and I thought, well if a guy has sex with me and we both seem to like each other, that means we're an item. He's now officially my boyfriend. Apparently he was not on this same wavelength. He was thinking, we're pals and we just happened to sleep together. There's this other girl I really want to be my girlfriend though. After avoiding relationships for about 10 years after this and being bitter, what I realized is that I shouldn't sleep with someone unless the relationship is established, and that I need to be really up front about what I'm thinking. I have to ask the guy if he's my bf without assuming that he is. Just some advice for the future... Don't wait 10 years before giving someone you like a chance though! Just make sure that you're clear what he wants and that it's the same thing that you want before hopping into bed with him or assuming he's your bf.
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#18 Old 01-24-2005, 11:35 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DeathOfDecadenc View Post

so after two years of pushing guys away i finally stopped focusing on it and actually met a guy! we totally clicked, and we were "together" but not yet going out. but you could tell we would. also to make matter worse we were intimate. anyways one night he was at my place and he had to leave to go pick up beer for his friends (we had just fininshed having sex). he asked if i wanted to come back to his place after. i said maybe and he said he would call me. anyways that was at 11, and at 1:00 i called him and he didnt pick up. he calls the next day at 4 in the afternoon to tell me that he had a long talk with his friend (his roommates ex) and they are now dating. i was like are you joking?? i am horribly hurt. i have been single for two years, but recently i had been sooo lonely, and i was soo happy that i had finally opened up to somebody and liked somebody again etc. im so hurt. i really dont want to dwell on this, and let it stop me from meeting guys again etc. any advice at all...im so upset



I am really sorry that this happened to you.



I don't think it is the human condition to be alone, yet so many of us are lonely in our society.



I don't blame you for what you did. It seems natural to me. But I guess it was a mistake.



For one thing, it seems to be an unspoken assumption in our society that if two people do not explicitly promise each other exclusivity, then the "default" assumption is that they are free to see and have sexual relations with other people.



This goes against much of the "romantic" mythology in our society where people are just caught up in a moment of passion and fall into one another's arms and are swept up "in the moment." How often do we see a movie, say, where the two people are involved in a passionate kiss and then they suddenly break things off and start negotiating over a table like two lawyers about all the terms and conditions of their relationship, as though negotiating a labor contract?



It is hard to trust and to open up to other people. But some people have much more success or opportunity in the "love/sex" market than others do, so one of the risks you take is being involved with someone like this, who then just finds a third person.
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#19 Old 01-24-2005, 11:49 AM
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O.k, people should NOT be giving you a hard time for having intimate relations and expecting to date him.

How were you to know he was interested in some else,or a jerk or whatever.While I believe in "the rules",which state you should "wait" I also believe in living in the moment and following your heart!



You did that and you got burned..oh well.Try again,and dont let anyone give you crap about having sex! No-one here can claim they have not had either a one night stand or sex soon-ish in a relationship! Come-on people!



*Try the rules for fun..I enjoyed them while dating.I found it great to have basic guidelines for myself and it helped me be in control.I just want you to know,your not alone in being burned..at all!!



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#20 Old 01-24-2005, 11:52 AM
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O.k this is when you quietly ask to retrieve something from his dwelling and replace his shampoo with nair.



ROFLMAO



Seriously...it's his loss, he'll get his in the end. People who do things like this lead a miserable existance.



You dear, are worth more than what he has to offer. Count your blessings that it happened now and you didn't waste months of your life on this *ss.
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#21 Old 01-24-2005, 12:59 PM
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O.k, people should NOT be giving you a hard time for having intimate relations and expecting to date him.



I agree with this 100 percent, and I guess it was what I was trying to say myself but didn't succeed at doing.
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#22 Old 01-24-2005, 02:00 PM
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thank you for all your advice, also i may have made myself sound a bit sluttish, but i am not like that. it was truly different with him, and we were practically in a relationship people thought we were dating. i know i shouldnt have had sex with him, but it felt right. i am really going to take everything you guys said into account. also i need to stop looking at relationships as an escape for lonliness... thanks again guys
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#23 Old 01-24-2005, 07:14 PM
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What a jerk! I'm sorry you had to experience that.
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#24 Old 01-25-2005, 07:48 AM
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actually, i've never had a one nite stand, or even another partner--just my husband. so, i can claim whatever.



but, i'm also not judging anyone. i'm not saying that having sex is wrong in a general sense, but that it seems that she has certain expectations and that her boundaries were blurred a bit--and that's how she got hurt. I had a friend who went out 'for a drink' with a man whom she liked, and he was later seen at the same bar kissing some other girl. She thought they were 'on a date' and had that expectation. he thought they were 'going out to get a drink as friends' and he was free to meet people. So, she got hurt because her expectations and boundaries were confused. Had she communicated more effectively, or set clear boundaries, it's likely that she would not have been hurt.



i don't think the sex is the issue, and no one is a slut for having sex when they want to. it's how they feel about the act, why they do it, and what outcome it brings them as to whether or not a particular action is appropriate.



and, i hesitate to call a guy a jerk simply because he wasn't communicating clearly either. most people dont' communicate clearly; most people have blurred boundaries. The best thing to do is to get good boundaries and learn how to communicate. Then, you know what you want,, you know how to communicate what you want to another, and thereby you are able to recieve it.
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#25 Old 01-26-2005, 04:04 PM
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I posted two days ago and I think my computer messed my post up but basically what I said was:



It's a shame that you've been hurt after being intimate with someone, it must hurt alot. Give yourself some time but try not to get down. You are a wonderful girl, and don't let this bad experience put you off. Next time get to know the person first and see where it goes, don't initially just think that's it's leading to a relationship.



(I think Michael and Zoebird have interesting thoughts too, and use this experience to re-think what you would do differently in the future)
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#26 Old 01-26-2005, 04:15 PM
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Next time get to know the person first and see where it goes, don't initially just think that's it's leading to a relationship.

the odd thing was that we had talked about this and it was heading towards a relationship because we had talked about it and stuff thats why it hurt more
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#27 Old 01-26-2005, 04:31 PM
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Aw well he was a jerk and betrayed you by doing that. There are a lot of nice guys out there that wouldn't say that if that's not what they were intending to follow through with Keep your chin up! Hope you are okay
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#28 Old 01-26-2005, 04:43 PM
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You...can afford to be very picky.. Seen your pics.. Make them wait till hell frezes over. The one's that can out-wait you are worth more investigating.. Might do some serious introspect as to why you choose what you choose. I came up with the answer that I was just plain choosing unhealthy choices.. But some were due to specific signals I sent out, and signals I picked up on and gravitated to like an underwater mine.. Best of luck gal..
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#29 Old 01-26-2005, 05:17 PM
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the odd thing was that we had talked about this and it was heading towards a relationship because we had talked about it and stuff thats why it hurt more





Then he's definitely a jerk.
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#30 Old 02-16-2005, 02:02 PM
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do you have any updates? don't let the bull that threw you knock you down permanently (no sexual references intended, heehee). I promise that not all guys are like that. You just have to be very careful, talk to them, ask yourself if you would want to be their friend...if you wouldn't then you shouldn't date them. There are benefits to waiting to have sex...think of how good a saltine cracker tastes after fasting (or just letting yourself get too hungry). And you know how when you're hungry, all you can think about is the food sitting on the table that you can't have? ok, I'm not comparing you to crackers, but I always enjoy it more (whatever "it" may be, I'm a stinkin' virgin, but that's a whole different story) after I wait and dwell on it for a while. I hope you've found a wonderful veggie boy and are making lots of sweet love.
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