I apologize for the length of this post.
Ok, here's the situation. My bf and I live in Arizona and his father lives in Michigan. Every winter he comes here for an extended period (sometimes up to a couple of months) of time and basically moves in with my bf.
First, let me give you some background about his dad. He's been married and divorced 4 times. He left my bf's mother (wife #2) when my bf was 8 years old, after she found out he was having an affair. He's very eccentric. When he retired as a landscape architect in Santa Barbara, CA, he moved to rural Michigan where he lives in a tiny cabin with no heat. He owns millions of dollars worth of land in SB, but is pathologically cheap. He offers no financial support to his 3 children (all from different marriages). When they were children he wouldn't even pay for things like the dentist. When he travels, he sleeps in his van rather than pay for a motel. You get the idea... He's also one of those people who talks at people rather than with them. He's got lots of absurd theories and doesn't listen to anything anyone else says. All he does is motivated by his own needs--he lacks the capacity for empathy.
This is what happens when he stays with my bf. 1. He makes frequent judgemental, insensitive remarks toward my bf about his choices and lifestyle. 2. He sits around the house most of the day watching tv (mostly automotive-type shows) at high volume because he has some hearing loss but is too cheap to get hearing aids. 3. He brings his poor dog with him. She is a 13-year-old, blind cocker spaniel. He won't take her out for walks, so unless my bf or I do, she goes in the house, which he also doesn't clean up. On the rare occasions he does let her out, he doesn't pick up her poop.
Of course my bf is driven crazy and gets quite depressed about all of this. Of course it also affects me because I am left to deal with my upset bf, I worry about the dog, and I have to interact with his awful father. It also concerns me because we've been talking a bit lately about the possibility of him moving into my house. There's no way I want his father staying with us for months at a time.
As winter approaches, my bf is starting to mention his anxiety about his dad's impending visit. I keep telling him that he needs to lay down some ground rules with his father and issue some ultimatums. I think he should tell his dad he can stay for say two weeks, and if he does come, he has to walk the dog regularly and refrain from making any disparaging remarks about his son's life. My bf agrees with me, but has done nothing yet, and I don't think he will because he feels for some reason that he has to be incredibly accomodating with his dad.
So I guess what I'm asking is what else do you think I can do or say to help my bf stand up to his dad and deal with this situation which really causes him, and by extension me, a lot of emotional turmoil?