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#1 Old 07-25-2004, 10:40 PM
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Ok. I just got back in from San Diego a few hours ago. Things aren't good. The trip was really fun until last night. My husband got mad at me and kicked me in the leg, where I was badly sunburned no less, at a restaurant. It hurt so bad I started crying. I couldn't hardly walk. He offered an insincere sounding apology, followed by him blaming me for it. When I didn't immediately accept his apology he screamed F--- You in the parking lot at the restaurant we were at with his little brother standing right there, who also saw him kick me. I cried the whole way back to his uncle's house, mostly because I was so furious at him and because I felt so trapped. When we got back he was all, "I love you" and sh-- but never really apologized.



I wish I could say this has never happened before, but last year he hit me a few times out of anger. I told him I wouldn't stay with him if he kept doing that and he stopped. I thought maybe it was an isolated incident brought on by stress. I guess not.



It isn't even so much that he kicked me, it's the way he acted about it afterwards.



What you have to understand is that a few months before I married my husband I was in another relationship with a guy who beat the crap out of me regularly. It started out with minor stuff just like that. So my husband feels like I over-react to stuff like that, but he doesn't understand the mindset I'm dealing with.



The thing is, I feel guilty, and he never fails to bring this up, because for the first two years of our marriage I was 10 times more abusive to him than he has ever been to me. I was very unbalanced, and after I got on the right meds it never happened again. But I feel like if I leave him for this then it's unfair because he stayed with me when I hit him.



Regardless I am 95% sure that I will leave. Thursday I'm flying to my parents' house in Alaska to visit and I want to stay there.



Seems simple, right? Here's where it gets complicated. We have a four year old daughter. Her life has been incredibly unstable up until this point and it's about to become even more so.



I have become VERY close with many of his family members and I know nothing will ever be the same with them after this. I have no idea how to tell them why I'm leaving. There is no way this is going to end pretty. His little brother is staying with us for the next few days until he can get a ride back up to Colorado. Tomorrow I get to tell him that this is in all likelyhood the last time I will ever see him. I'd love to stay friends with him through email and stuff, but I feel very strongly that his family is more important and I do not want him to feel forced to take sides at all. I know that sh-- is going to be said about me, and I do not want him to feel like he has to defend me.



My best friend is getting married in early October. My daughter and I are both to be in the wedding party. The dresses were ordered months ago. From here it's only about a 500$ flight for the two of us, but from Alaska it's going to be upwards of 1500$ and I have no job. It will take at least a couple weeks to transfer my license over before I can even start to work, and that's if there's anything available. I might be able to see if my mom has any openings at her work where she is the manager, but it doesn't pay well. Even if I can pull this off and go to the wedding I'm going to be an emotional mess and it's going to be so hard. But I really want to be there for her. I'd fell so sh---y if I screwed up her wedding.



I'm trying to decide the best time to tell my husband. He needs to know, but I'm afraid he'll be successfull in changing my mind, like he always has been before. I kind of want to wait until after the return flight has left to tell him, just so I have no easy way of getting back and it won't be easy to change my mind. But he is going to be hurt and upset no matter what and prone to act irrationally. I'm going to have to leave the majority of my stuff here, some of which is very emotionally valuable and irreplaceable. I have to accept the possibility I may never get any of it back.



Lastly there is a reason I left Alaska in the first place. I hate it. Living there again is going to take some adjusting and not in a good way.



There is no way this is going to be a clean or easy break, and my life will suffer greatly. I find myself wondering if maybe it's worth it to be hurt by him every now and then so I can keep things the way they are. Of course the locical answer is no. but the more I realize how hard this is going to be, the less I want to go through with it. This is going to be relatively easy for him. He still has the car and the apartment. He can keep the bank account (the one that *I* opened nine years ago before I even met him, and now everything is going to have to be changed). He has a job and can support himself just fine. If he wants he can even move to a smaller place or get a roommate. He has no childcare to worry about. This is going to be about a million times harder for me. It's really not fair.
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#2 Old 07-25-2004, 10:47 PM
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It's too late at night for me to write something helpful, so are always good
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#3 Old 07-25-2004, 10:58 PM
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Thanks. I undersatnd. But if anyone has any advice or suggestions about how I can make this go smoothly, I am DEEPLY in need of it. I basicaly have four days to get my sh-- together.



Oh and I've been getting horrible stomach cramps too, I suppose from the stress. Really bad, like wake-me-up-from-a-sound-sleep cramps.
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#4 Old 07-25-2004, 10:59 PM
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Sorry to hear of everything you are going through. Bottom line, no one should be in any kind of abusive relationship. It just really is not healthy. If you need anything, let me know.
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#5 Old 07-25-2004, 10:59 PM
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Oh dear. I wish there was something that could be said, but in reality I think you would know what that is deep inside yourself. I don't know your situation besides what you've just said, but I could suggest that ANY relationship that involves ANY phsyical or even mental abuse should not be a relationship worth staying in.



As far as worrying about possesions, bank accounts, and a friend's wedding, I think your personal safety is far more important first off. Fortunately, it doesn't sound that he's a threat to your well being - just a threat to your sanity. Maybe should prioritize what truly is important and how to change your situation. I'd imaginine your daughter is #1, followed by your location and ocupation.



If I could be as ignorant to say, keep your pride high and move yourself forward. If you stop to think about him and how he feels, then you are letting him control you. You control you, so make your world anew.

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#6 Old 07-26-2004, 02:45 AM
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Get out as soon as possible. Don't give him a warning, just go or he might beat you into staying. Violence grows. Get out while you are healthy unless you like repeats of your former relationship. Talk to your friend who is getting married and see if she has any suggestions. October might be too late. Call the welfare and see what they have to offer to battered women.



Or you could always do what my sis did the first and only time her husband tried to slap her. She grabbed the cast iron skillet and knocked him out.
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#7 Old 07-26-2004, 02:48 AM
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You find it in yourself someday to leave because you deserve better. This is coming from a woman that was in an abusive marriage far too long. For me it came down to one of three choices: 1)stay and we kill each other 2)I carry out one of my many plans to kill him (one of which I actually tried but was unsuccessful. Don't worry, I only ran him over with the car and he was so high he didn't hardly realize it). 3) I leave, walk away from all of my stuff I worked hard for, and chalk it up to life's hard lesson starting over somewhere else from scratch. I chose #3 and wouldn't have done it any differently. Well no, that's not entirely true. I would have done it sooner.



My heart is with you and I'm sending strength vibes your way that soon you can break from this person whom doesn't love himself so that you can love you.
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#8 Old 07-26-2004, 04:29 AM
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I am so sorry you are in such an awful place right now.



My advice is to leave. Just go. Get out without warning him and avoid violence or him talking you into staying. As others have mentioned, money, stuff and a friends wedding are secondary to your wellbeing and safety. Realistically, men who commit this type of violence rarely if ever change. My Mother works in a shelter for female victims of domestic violence and I do volunteer work there at times. I am in Australia so unfortunately cannot help you with resources, but there is always a hotline or phone number you can call for advice and support. You don't have to go through this alone. Call your family if possible and ask for help. Call a friend you trust.



Don't ever think that a small amount of violence is acceptable. Being kicked and abused in public (or in private) is *never* acceptable and you are right for feeling this way. You are not overreacting. He is in the wrong and his attitude since seems to suggest he doesn't really even acknowledge he has done you a terrible wrong.



Putting guilt back on you because of your medical condition (which it genuinally was if medication corrected the symptoms) is classic controlling, abusive behaviour. You were not abusive to him. You were ill and did something about it. Even if you were abusive, does this give him the right to treat you with physical violence. He assaulted you. And it is not a one off act, it is a pattern and will continue.



Sorry if I sound preachy. I have seen the results of women who have stayed in situations like this - and seen the children who have lived in domestic violence situations for years. I feel for you and wish you all the best.



Feel free to PM me anytime.
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#9 Old 07-26-2004, 05:45 AM
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i'm with the others here, and i want to echo ruthie's third idea. you may want to consider it "the price of freedom" which is a way to value what is going on rather than filling it with worry and guilt.



similarly, if your friend who is getting married in october is your friend, she'll truly understand what is happening to you, the choices that you are making, and support those choices. it's still early enough for her to make arrangements if you can't make it, and of course, perhaps make arrangements to make it easier for you to get there. THere are lots of options, and you're not going to ruin her wedding. It's better to be there, or not be there, than to be there with a black eye--right?



in any case, i would go ahead and get some money out of your account (which i assume is a joint account) and open a new one that he won't have knowledge of or access to, go and find some legal aid (many law schools have lawyers who will work on your case for free--for instance, Widener LS in delaware has the 'domestic violence law center' which deals with these sorts of cases and can offer good advice for legal stuff), and contact local organizations/shelters if you need a transition place before you go to alaska or to get some councelling or other help.



similarly, you may not need to go to alaska, if you can find something to support yourself locally or in another location that you would like. Starting over can be difficult, but it can also be wonderful and liberating. A friend of mine said it was like natural child birth--sure, hurts like the dickens, but the results make it all worth while.



i wish you all the best! be well and happy!
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#10 Old 07-26-2004, 05:59 AM
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I think you should leave. Everyone deserves to be happy. Are you taking your daughter with you? I'm sure your parents will help out financially if you need it, assuming they can. Just take a deep breath, think, meditate, do yoga, eat lots of fruit and vegetables (it clears your mind, I swear. ) and sort through all of the rough spots. Decide what you're going to do and don't change for anyone else.
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#11 Old 07-26-2004, 06:03 AM
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I was married to a man who abused me. My vote is for you to leave as soon as possible. I agree with Ruthie. I lost alot when I got divorced. Money, friends, "family", and more. But my only regret is that I didn't leave the morning after we conceived our 2nd son. The only good thing that came out of that marriage was my 2 sons.



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#12 Old 07-26-2004, 07:56 AM
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I'm agreed with those who say leave as soon as possible. Not only that, but leave without telling him. Like some have said, he might try to talk you into staying...or worse. The fact that he actually kicked you in public is indicative of a real lack of restraint. Who knows what it might develop into?



Believe me, your friend will understand if it makes you somehow unavailable for her wedding. Where do you live? There's probably a women's shelter of some kind. Search online. Call information.
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#13 Old 07-26-2004, 08:15 AM
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Ut oh...you're not overreacting at all...He's friggen hitting you!



Holy Crap. And of course it's your fault somehow isn't it? You used to hit him more before you were on the meds. You won't be able to land on your feet alone right?



Hey...it's going to be okay. You are going to leave him and you are going to seek counciling about relationship issues so that you can avoid ever being hit by someone again. AND...you are going to land on your feet. As for your family, if they love you, they'll be supportive of your decision. I'm living proof of that as my X's family is more supportive now than they ever were when I was married to their son. They know what I came through to get here because they helped me through the hard parts of recovering.



Above all, know that you can do this and if you want to ever stop being in this situation, you must. If he were willing to go to therapy with you and work on these issues, it would be one thing...if you loved him...to do that. But it doesn't seem like he is, it seems like he wants to blame you either way. In that case...get out now. These things tend to get worse.



You are not a punching bag...and you should always always feel WORTH IT...to yourself to make a change for the better in your life. You ARE worth the trouble.



Good luck dear.



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#14 Old 07-26-2004, 08:15 AM
 
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You're not overreacting AT ALL. You have your boundaries, he knows them, and he does not respect them. I wouldn't stay with someone who screamed "F*** you" at me. Hitting or kicking--I'd call the cops.



Don't worry about your friend's wedding. If she loves you, she will understand. You have to get yourself and your daughter somewhere safe.
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#15 Old 07-26-2004, 09:38 AM
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I also want to add, don't forget, the police will come and arrest him (remove him) if he hits you. It's law, you are protected. There is no debating when the police arrive, he goes.

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#16 Old 07-26-2004, 09:50 AM
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National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-SAFE



For Programs and Shelter in New Mexico: 1-800-773-3645



Legal Resources regarding Domestic Violence in New Mexico: 1-877-974-3400



Here's a link to the Violence Against Women Act of 1994



www.endabuse.org - Great site if anyone has boys. Learn how to stop the cycle of abuse to women.



Please be careful mosquito. I probably don't have to tell you this, but men who are even the slightest bit abusive are ticking time bombs. You really don't know how much he's taken from you until you are away and start regaining yourself back.



Big Hugs. Be strong.



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#17 Old 07-26-2004, 10:59 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bethanie View Post

Ut oh...you're not overreacting at all...He's friggen hitting you!



Wanted to agree that this idea of overreacting stood out to me, too. You don't need any excuse to explain your reaction to his hitting you. In fact, I don't think it would be possible to overreact short of seriously injuring or killing him. Start saying a new mantra, "I have the right not to be hit. I have the right to be angry. I have the right to be treated with dignity."



You are doing the right thing. I second the idea of securing some money for yourself. Maybe talking to someone experienced in these matters. Call one of the numbers MsRuthie listed and they can give you advice on planning ahead, like what to bring, what to do first, etc.



ETA, here's some information on planning (not all of which applies):

Quote:
Safety Planning



Safety planning for someone involved in an abusive relationship is a necessary and important step. Planning can be used while you are still with your abuser, or after the relationship has ended. While still in an abusive relationship, your safety within your home is of primary importance.



First, memorize safe numbers including the police, family, or a local domestic violence agency. If possible, obtain a cell phone to keep with you at all times.



Your safety plan should recognize dangerous areas within your home, including the kitchen or the garage where weapons are available, or the bathroom and other small places where one might be trapped. If possible, get to a room with a phone or a way to escape. If your friends or neighbors are aware of the situation set up signals or code words either by phone or alternative method that informs them that the situation is violent at home.



If you are planning on leaving your home, place an extra set of keys outside or in a hiding space and give extra copies of pertinent documents to someone you trust or placed in a hiding place.



After you leave, change your locks as well as add window locks and sensor lighting. You may also want to ask co-workers or neighbors to notify the police if the abuser is seen.



If there are children involved in the situation, the school should be notified of possible threats or and the current custody situation. Make sure the school knows who the children can be released to and to not give out any information.



Vary your route to work and change passwords on bank and e-mail accounts. Keep the restraining order or order of protections paperwork with you at all times, as well as a diary or journal with harassing e-mails or voice mails, violations of orders and actual attempts at contact recorded.

http://www.ndvh.org/victims/vict.html#safety



Another, more simple list:

Quote:
Getting Help: Safety Planning

If you are still in the relationship:



Think of a safe place to go if an argument occurs - avoid rooms with no exits (bathroom), or rooms with weapons (kitchen).

Think about and make a list of safe people to contact.

Keep change with you at all times.

Memorize all important numbers.

Establish a "code word or sign" so that family, friends, teachers or co-workers know when to call for help.

Think about what you will say to your partner if he\\she becomes violent.

Remember you have the right to live without fear and violence.

If you have left the relationship:



Change your phone number.

Screen calls.

Save and document all contacts, messages, injuries or other incidents involving the batterer.

Change locks, if the batterer has a key.

Avoid staying alone.

Plan how to get away if confronted by an abusive partner.

If you have to meet your partner, do it in a public place.

Vary your routine.

Notify school and work contacts.

Call a shelter for battered women.

If you leave the relationship or are thinking of leaving, you should take important papers and documents with you to enable you to apply for benefits or take legal action. Important papers you should take include social security cards and birth certificates for you and your children, your marriage license, leases or deeds in your name or both yours and your partner's names, your checkbook, your charge cards, bank statements and charge account statements, insurance policies, proof of income for you and your spouse (pay stubs or W-2s), and any documentation of past incidents of abuse (photos, police reports, medical records, etc.)

http://www.ncadv.org/gettinghelp/safetyplan.htm



I think what you are doing is very, very brave. No doubt it will be very difficult, but keep reminding yourself of how much better things will get.

I wish you well.
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#18 Old 07-26-2004, 01:03 PM
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I'd love to be able to offer some advice, but what's been said so far really says it all. You have to place your safety, and your daughter's safety, as your first priority, and get out of this dangerous situation.



Whereabouts do you live? I would think, with all the good friends you have here, you might be able to find some help from a VBer in your area. (At least, during your difficult moments, they won't be asking if you prefer Burger King or McDonalds.)



Good luck, mosquito.







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#19 Old 07-26-2004, 07:27 PM
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Well so far the support I have been getting IRL is less than overwhelming. I told BIL who was understandably upset, but seems to be taking my husband's side in this. That hurts, but it's understandable, and frankly it makes the whole situation a little easier. I also told my mom, who said it is fine for us to live there while we need to, but she doesn't seem thrilled about it and keeps asking me, "What are you gonna do about XY and Z?" The only other person I've told (an old friend of mine who lives in Texas) is very supportive, so at least I have that.
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#20 Old 07-26-2004, 07:34 PM
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I'm so sorry that you have to be dealing with this, mosquito. I've been there, too. Everyone has given some really great advice and thoughts on this. The only thing I'd like to add is that to just remember that everything will work out for you in the end. It's going to seem so overwhelming right now, but once the dust settles I doubt that you'll have any regrets about doing what you needed to do.



Stay strong and hold your head up high. You will survive.



ETA- I almost forgot to give you a
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#21 Old 07-26-2004, 07:44 PM
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I actually just asked you on the other board where you posted what was causing you to leave. Now I see the story... I knew I was missing something over on that other board...



You should never stay in an abusive relationship. It's not healthy for you or your child to see that. If she sees that then she believes you are saying it is okay to stay in such a relationship. Abuse is definetly a deal breaker in a relationship. You should move in with relatives for a while. It will be easier on your financially and there will be a better support system for you and the child.
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#22 Old 07-27-2004, 06:15 AM
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mosquito:



ending a relationship--whether it is abusive or not--is a very difficult thing. many people are affected, not just the two (or so) involved. Familes to become friends, and it's hard to loose people whom you have come to know and admire. For your BIL to be upset, but side with his brother is understandable. For your mother to ask many questions is also understandable--she wants to know what you are doing and how, and it is probably hard for her to come to terms with the fact that this man, whom she trusted too, is hurting her daughter.



it can be difficult for others to offer these kinds of support--because they're hurting too. THey're hurting for you, and so their answers may not seem the most appropriate or comforting. This is a good reason to find outside help, and i'm so glad that Ruthie was astute enough to discover your area and give you some numbers to call and get the help that you want or need. sometimes, that practical support that is local and already prepared to help you out can be more helpful. They're not as emotionally involved, and they know how to respond to different situations.



That's part of the reason why we can be so forthcoming with advice and numbers and what not. It's not that we don't care about you--we do, and we want you to be happy and healthy--but we don't know you personally (i would assume most of us don't know you well and personally), and we don't know your husband. so, in a way, we're not hurting from it.



i think you know what you need to do, and as soon as you talk to someone about it who has been through it (again, the numbers ruthie provided), they'll be able to assist you, you'll have answers for your mother, and you'll be able to get the support you need to help you make good decisions.
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#23 Old 07-27-2004, 09:16 AM
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i think all i can offer is a stay strong, mosquito!
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#24 Old 07-27-2004, 05:02 PM
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I really have no advice because all I can think of has been said, so I'll just wish you good luck and give you a hug.
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#25 Old 07-27-2004, 05:23 PM
 
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You are doing the right thing. Keeping yourself and your daughter safe is priority #1 - everything else is secondary.



I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. Most of what I'd want to say has already been posted. Be strong and keep us informed - you have lots of support here.

The ones I pity are the ones who never stick out their neck for something they believe, never know the taste of moral struggle, and never have the thrill of victory. - Jonathan Kozol
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#26 Old 07-30-2004, 08:24 AM
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well, in my opinion, perhaps you should talk it all through me and my partner used to have huge rows with one anouther, one of us would end up getting hurt, i can't count the times i went to college with a split lip. but we talked a hell of alot, and in my circumstance, it was my fault because i have a stupid temper, and he didn't know how to react with it. he now knows to walk away, or ignore my suggestions we should break up. we decided that there really wasnt any point in the violence, because we both have better things to do, just be in love with each other and enjoy each others company.



something is obviously grating im about you, or something else in his life is causing him stress, and he's taking it out on you. i'm not condoning the violence, but it can be stopped, me and my partner hardly ever argue, and when we do, we make it short and non violent. the best way.



perhaps you're letting past experiences block your judgement, just because anouther man in your life beat the crap out of you, doesnt mean that your current husband will stoop to that level.



but this comes from someone who doesnt know all the details, so i could be very wrong, only you can know. i get very angry very quickly, and personally i don't know why, past trauma i suppose, but i know it's never my partners fault, we both have a mutual understanding that there's more important things in life than being angry and unhappy all the time, we're just being happy and getting along.



but everyone is different i suppose.
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#27 Old 07-30-2004, 08:48 AM
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I definetly echo every one elses thoughts, please leave. Either go to the police department if there isn't anywhere else and they should be able to help you find a women's shelter.
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#28 Old 07-30-2004, 09:07 PM
 
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perhaps you're letting past experiences block your judgement, just because anouther man in your life beat the crap out of you, doesnt mean that your current husband will stoop to that level..



'cept he already started (see original post re: kicking).



When a relationship is violent, escalation of that violence is the norm. Getting yourself (and in this case a child) safe in priority #1. No questions, no doubts, no gray areas. If counseling is the desired route of action (sounds like that is not what mosquito is looking at at this time), a couple can work on that while maintaining separate residence.



I'm glad that you and your bf were able to work things out, but that is often not the case. Safety first.

The ones I pity are the ones who never stick out their neck for something they believe, never know the taste of moral struggle, and never have the thrill of victory. - Jonathan Kozol
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#29 Old 07-31-2004, 04:10 PM
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My past experiences are exactly the reason I can't stay. Whether it ever escalated or not, the emotional response I have from being hit is terrifying. It isn't something I can deal with at any level.



Anyway, I'm in Alaska now. I wrote out an email and sent it to him right before we left, so he got it when he got home from work. At first he was angry because he felt like this came out of nowhere, but after we talked he says he understands why I left, and he wants me to be happy even though he wishes I would come back. He's pretty despondant right now, but he's coping, and I feel eventually he will see this was for the best and he can move on in his own life and be happy too.



He said he would be willing to move up here and get counseling if that's what I wanted, but I don't. Frankly, I just don't love him anymore. I care about him as a friend, and as my daughter's father, but I don't love him. Even if I agreed to give it another try, it would only be because I feel sorry for him and hate to see him hurting. I know that even if he were able to change it wouldn't last forever. I've been through this too many times before. If he could change he would have done so already, because he's had more than enough warning. I don't really feel like it's fair for me to expect him to change anyway (not neccesarily the hitting, but just his general personality and temperment that was causing all the issues for me).
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#30 Old 07-31-2004, 06:46 PM
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I'm so glad you got out of there.
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