Family Politics - VeggieBoards
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#1 Old 04-06-2015, 10:22 AM
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Family Politics

As some long-time members might now, I was raised by my father. He and I have been inseparable my entire life, and I would not have it any other way. We are, perhaps, codependent. But again, neither of us are complaining.

He has been having severe problems with his mother and one of his sisters, to the point where they are no longer speaking with his mother. She made up (I am not kidding, I was right there when it happened) a fight and they haven’t spoken in weeks. They used to talk EVERY morning. He is incredibly hurt and heartbroken over this, and he thinks, not without some justification, that his sister is involved in the growing rift between him and his other sister. I am quite hurt as well. His mother is like a mother to me as well, and I have never seen a fight between them not cool down and go back to normal in a few days. This has been simmering since last mother’s day (or the mother’s day before that, I forget). Naturally, it also involves some long seeded problems as well.

I just want things to go back to normal. This morning my dad and I had a huge fight because he is incredibly hurt that his mother did not call him on Easter and his sister (whom my grandmother is staying with this week) did not offer to pass over the phone when I had called. He accused me of “choosing sides” against him because I did not want to get involved in it, because I feel (felt?) that eventually this was all going to stop and be normal again soon. Anyway. After a long screaming match and the painful reminder than I am moving away for three years this July, we both felt hurt and tired and exhausted and just… hurt so badly about everything going on.

I am wondering at this point if I should call my grandmother and tell her how badly she is hurting my dad because he has NO IDEA why she is behaving this way and not talking to him, or if I should continue to do as I have done, distance myself from the entire thing.

Throughout my entire life, it has always just been my dad and I. I feel great loyalty and protection for him, and I can’t stand the way he is being treated.

Quote:
"You will always be fond of me. I represent to you all the sins you never had the courage to commit.”
Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray
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#2 Old 04-06-2015, 10:27 AM
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you should call him first. make him feel at least you are there for him?
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#3 Old 04-06-2015, 10:33 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rasitha.wijesekera View Post
you should call him first. make him feel at least you are there for him?
Oh he knows, our fight is over.

Quote:
"You will always be fond of me. I represent to you all the sins you never had the courage to commit.”
Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray
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#4 Old 04-06-2015, 07:52 PM
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I don't really have much advice for you. It already sounds like you are trying to be kind to everyone and get people communicating. I'm sorry you're going through this.
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#5 Old 04-07-2015, 06:54 AM
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River,
I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. My family has gone through (and at times continues to go through) similar situations. It's usually between my siblings, and I usually play the role of 'peace maker' or at least I try.

I'm just trying to put myself in your position. I am the type of person that wants to fix things, so I believe I would try to talk to his mom (your grandmother) if you have a good relationship with her. It's impossible for me to get the whole feel for your situation, so you know much more than I do. If you approach her in love and true concern, trying to help her understand your father's suffering and pain over this (and your own suffering), surely she will be moved...he is her son, after all, and you are her grandchild.

Since only you know the whole situation, go with your gut. My input is just from personal experience with my family and what has worked for us. Best of luck, and I pray for peace to fall like a warm blanket over you and your family.
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#6 Old 04-07-2015, 10:37 AM
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I spent the first four+ decades of my life being the family mediator/"fixer". Now, at age sixty, looking back, I can see the toll it took on my life.

These are adults, and they need to take responsibility for themselves and their interrelationships. That includes seeking professional help if they can't figure out how to deal with things on their own, not dragging other family members into the situation, and certainly not dragging their child/grandchild into the mess.

If your father wants a rapprochement with his mother and can't figure out how to go about it, he should talk to a counselor to figure it out.
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#7 Old 04-07-2015, 12:41 PM
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I can't offer any advice, just prayers that it all works out for the best. Good luck.

Anytime I think I'm perfect, I remember that my cousin lives on an island, and I've never walked over to visit her.
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