Unworthy of him? - VeggieBoards
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#1 Old 06-13-2004, 07:33 AM
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Hi, I could really do with some advice…

About a year ago now I received an email from an amazing vegan guy, who had come across a bio of mine on a fantasy art website and found that we had a lot in common.

It didn’t take long for us to develop strong feelings for one-another, and I love him to pieces, but there are some things that are weighing heavily on my mind and affecting my ability to communicate what I want to.

There’s no way I can possibly describe this guy and the situation to you accurately, but here goes. He has been searching for Miss Right for quite a while, and has certain ‘specifications’ I guess you could say. She must be vegan (ethical reasons), agnostic/atheist, big into art and imagination (i.e. very creative), be ambitious and very intelligent (etc.). I am an agnostic, artistic vegan, but my ambition and intelligence diminishes considerably in comparison to him, as with most other aspects of myself… In fact, I can barely think of anything I can do at an equal level to him. I’m a very emotional, dependant and shy person with very low self-esteem, and he is very independent and confident. He has been an incredible influence and inspiration on me, and I’ve come a long way in the past year thanks to him, but I can’t shake a feeling of guilt. When someone (despite being incredibly supportive and just mind-blowing in general), is so overwhelmingly intelligent etc. I can’t help but feel small and insignificant in comparison. I can’t offer him what he has been looking for, but I love him so much that I don’t want to lose him, so I feel selfish that this ‘relationship’ comes across as very one-sided; I usually feel more like a pupil than an equal.

I can’t get this guy out of my mind, and I’m slowly driving myself nuts about this... Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.
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#2 Old 06-13-2004, 07:54 AM
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Damn... well, you're the luckiest person I've had the fortune to come across! In regards to man-finding anyway. He sounds like my perfect guy too. There aren't many of those around. I'd say, voice your concerns to him, and then let him decide whether you meet his "specifications." As long as you're happy in the relationship, don't try to stir up trouble. If he ever decides that you're not smart enough (or anything else), let it become an issue then, rather than forcasting doom before it ever happens. Don't worry about him secretly believing you're not smart enough or ambitious enough, or whatever--if he does, it's up to him to tell you.



What fantasy art website was this, pray tell? (I'm an artist too)
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#3 Old 06-13-2004, 07:55 AM
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If he truely loves you, I think he should accept you for who you are. You being vegan and agnostic are 2 of the best qualities anyone could ever have (I know since I have been searching for that combination and it seems next to impossible to find in someone). It sickens me to no end knowing that there are people out there who like to think of themselves as above everyone else (of course I am not saying this is him) and place themselves on such a high plane. You deserve to have someone special in your life and I hope it all works out for you. Maybe this is something you should discuss with him to make sure he is positive about being with you. This way you don't end up getting crushed even worse in the long run.
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#4 Old 06-13-2004, 08:10 AM
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I'm sure he can decide what is best for him.
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#5 Old 06-13-2004, 08:17 AM
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Originally Posted by Artichoke47 View Post

I'm sure he can decide what is best for him.

I agree. My question is, do you feel like a pupil because he shares a lot of knowledge with you, or because he is pedantic and talks down to you? Does he bring up the fact that he is looking for someone smarter? If yes to any of these questions, I'd move on. If you don't feel appreciated for what you have, move on.



As far as what he is looking for in a woman, that is his business. When it comes to dating, I feel people have the right to pick and chose on whatever basis they want, and the responsibility to accept where that leads them. But if he were to rub in your face that he thinks you are not smart enough, then that is just insensitive.



Whatever the situation is, it sounds like you'd be better off thinking more highly of yourself and all the wonderful things you have to offer.
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#6 Old 06-13-2004, 08:21 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Artichoke47 View Post

I'm sure he can decide what is best for him.



I agree but at the same time people should be mindful of the other persons feelings. When initially meeting someone and getting to know them during that period, they usually can get a good idea of what they will be getting into. If a relationship is then agreed upon, this may cause one of them to become secure and fall deeply in love. Then, all of the sudden, one person suddenly decides a relationship with the other person isn't for them even though they pretty much knew what they were getting into in the first place. You seem like an excellent person Lupa and I sincerely hope that doesn't happen to you.
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#7 Old 06-13-2004, 08:27 AM
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I think you're getting a little off-topic, FR. You don't know what this gentleman is thinking at all. Quit trying to forecast what is happening between the two based on your own experience.



Besides, people can change their minds about relationship any time they want. Lupa may decide she doesn't want this guy after all, not the other way around.
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#8 Old 06-13-2004, 08:28 AM
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I'm not geting off topic at all, I am giving my thoughts and support.
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#9 Old 06-13-2004, 08:41 AM
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If anyone thinks someone is off-topic or otherwise posting inappropriately, tell a moderator.
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#10 Old 06-13-2004, 10:50 PM
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Everyone is equal. It doesn't matter who might be more intelligent. There's no reason to feel like you are "less" than him. You're definately not.
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#11 Old 06-13-2004, 11:08 PM
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You really have to be who you are. Trying to be something else to please anyone but yourself is the kiss of death in any relationship. And personal changes based on another person's set of values aren't changes at all, they are just a mask.

If it is meant to be it will be, so don't stress out. And don't let him make you feel like you are unworthy of him. If he does that then I think he is unworthy of you.
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#12 Old 06-14-2004, 01:20 AM
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Very true and well said Balabean and Steph too.
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#13 Old 06-14-2004, 04:51 AM
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from what you have said this amazing guy was searching for miss amazing right no he's stopped (guessing) so put away those insecurities maybe just as your counting your blessings and feeling totally overwhelmed he may just be feeling the same and thinking he's the luckiest man alive
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#14 Old 06-14-2004, 08:27 AM
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If he was so intellegent...and thought you werent..then why would he be with you.



I think you have more intellegence than you give yourself credit too and he obviously sees that.



(...I spelt intellegence wrong didn't I?...~bangs head on table~)
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#15 Old 06-14-2004, 08:36 AM
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Ahh yes, people are equal, but the wonderful thing about being in a relationship is that you can learn from one another!!

For example, I am in futher education, my partner is not, but he has a steady job - so perhaps on the surface I may be viewed as more intelligent (at least academically) while he is more practical.

However he is a brilliant artist, is skilled at martial arts.

I suck at those things, but I'm an excellent horse rider, and can write great essays on ..post communist music in central asia.

So, we both have strengths which we can share with eachother that are different.

You say he has helped you in certain ways, and therefore I am sure you have helped him aswell.

Quit worrying and enjoy what you have! But, if you really can't shift your worries then find something you both suck at and do that together you can laugh at eachother then!
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#16 Old 06-14-2004, 12:11 PM
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Wow, thank you all so very much for the advice! It’s really helped to see other’s opinions ^_^



I suppose I am being pretty harsh on myself; it’s a bad habit of mine.

He has actually told me that he’s worried that I’m not ambitious, and that this could cause problems… He’s worried that I could end up being more of a sidekick than a partner because of my natural dependence on people. But I think you are right that I am prematurely forecasting doom. It’s just so easy to feel inadequate around him… For example, I could never win an argument/debate with him because he’s almost always two steps ahead. I would really like for us to be able to learn from one-another, but I feel I have so little to contribute… Although I guess that’s just me putting myself down again. I do know that he’s still kinda looking for Miss Right though, but it’s understandable… I just want him to be happy more than anything, with or without me. Although I suppose I am scared that he’ll find her and that will be that. It’s just hard because he has had such an impact on my life and helped me on so many levels, and he’s always trying to guide and be there for me, but I don’t feel like I’ve done or can do anything for him… It’s hard to explain, heh.

Oh, I should probably note that this is an internet relationship (plus phone conversations) as I live in the UK and he lives in the US, but we are both looking for serious long-term relationships and are willing to travel, so ultimately this shouldn’t be as bigger issue as it sounds…



To Astarte: Great to meet a fellow artist! The fantasy art website is Elfwood, and my page (if you’re interested) is: http://elfwood.lysator.liu.se/loth/s/a/savagemind
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