(1) How much money she has, or doesn`t have, earns etc. Don`t know why but this has never been an issue for me. I just don`t see what it has to do with a relationship.



(2) What kind of job she does. Though having said that some icky jobs might put me off! But as far as job title/status goes, I`m not bothered. If she`s happy doing what she does, then that`s good enough for me.



(3) What kind of car she drives etc, or if she doesn`t drive at all and doesn`t want to learn either.



(4) What kind of place she lives in, cheap/expensive place etc or even type of neighbourhood, so dating the girl from the "wrong part of town" isn`t a problem either (just so long as she doesn`t expect me to park my car there!).



(5) Whether she has children or not. Even though I`ve never wanted kids, I don`t see how a person can just stop seeing someone they like/get on with etc just because they have children. Makes no sense to me, I'm dating them, not their children!



(6) How she chooses to dress etc. So whether she prefers conservative attire rather than sexy, punk instead of prim, or even if she likes thick dark eyeliner, wears black all the time and could double for Count Draculas` sister it wouldn`t bother me. My jeans/t-shirt bloke look probably wouldn`t be her preference though!



(7) What kind of music she prefers, even if I can`t stand it (just so long as she doesn`t mind my putting ear defenders on if it`s thrash metal ).



(8) Her height (thanks Pyrsk!).



These are all I can think of at the moment but at least I have a bigger list than my "21 things I want in a lover" list! This topic is harder than it looks.

haha, that is funny, because those are some of the top things I look for in a man. lol

That's a hard question, but I would say money. It's good to have it and it's even better if I know that he can take care of me. But I honestly wouldn't care if the guy didn't have it, I could never define someone by their money. It doesn't make them less of a person...a good person is a good person, money or no money. Looks aren't a big thing either.Chances are that if you fall in love with someone you'll think that they're the most beautiful person in the world and no one could ever tell you differently.

those are all great for a dating partner, but just wait till you marry someone - you'll have some of those things in mind...



imagine being married to someone who (a) has no money and uses your money to buy everything (b) doesn't have a job and sits around the house all day doing nothing (c) doesn't have the desire to learn how to drive - who needs to drive when you never leave the house? (d) had no idea toilets need to be cleaned (e) has 7 children that bite and scratch you and don't listen to anyone (f) wears clothes that are so stinky, you can't stand to get near her (g) listens to nu-metal



I'm obviously being cheeky here.. saying you 'don't care' about several of these things is fine - but I tend to not be quite as much of an idealist. then again, I've been the sole breadwinner in my relationship for 4 years now and am starting to get bitter. Cruising "hotjobs" does NOT count as "job-hunting!!"







amy

21 words describing how people should look for a lover:



Constructing ideals or trying to apply a single set of rules to all people often leads to disappointment or missed opportunities.



Don't believe Hollywood, mates/y'all!

amen, schmeebis!

I believe in having a vision with general values and personality traits in mind. I try to be flexible, but I have to have some idea what I want to know how to get it and know it when it's there.

But a vision only can come with some random experimentation in the younger years. Sometimes you don't know how important a certain quality is until you do/don't have it in someone. As far as Hollywood and ideals- experience also teaches you that everyone has an ugly side and people are can be hard to live with no matter who they are. So it is up to us to decide what forms of ugly we can or can't stand.



For anyone considering long-term relationships, this is a must. There is no point in my even getting to know people with certain traits that I know from experience don't fit my vision and can't be good. (e.g. wants to have 7 kids and send them all to religious fundamentalist school.)

If I were just dating someone, I wouldn't care. I could make my own money, but marriage is a different issue like you said. My main thing is that I don't want to come off as a gold digger. Not to say that people that do require it are, but to me love comes first. I do understand what you mean though, my parents went through the same thing when they first got married. My dad spent all his money and mom's on useless things and were debt forever. I'd never want to be in that position, so it does matter....thanks for bringing up that point.

I'm just a naive 21 year old that thinks love will solve anything

I see your point. Of course, I would never date a fundamentalist, or a racist, or an Atkins dieter.. But if you can come up with 21 qualifications to put on anyone, that's some pretty intense pickiness. I supposed people might bend a little, and allow someone to meet only, say, 13/21 requirements, but what does that say about the other eight requirements? Do they matter less? Or are all requirements the same?



I guess I just get all weird about people trying to quantify personality. I think it's so much more an instinctual, dare I say chemical, process. I mean, sure it's nice to have an idea of what you're looking for, but it's probably better to have an idea of what you are definitely not looking for. Wait, why am I saying "you," when I mean "I/me?" I guess we all look for people differently, even if I think people might be doing themselves a disservice by strictly limiting their options.



Like a waterfall of nonsense,

Dr. Schmeebis

this is all at this point in my life... meaning, not looking at marriage yet.



1. money. yeah, some people think it's nice if they buy you stuff. it makes me a bit uncomfortable, to tell the truth.



2. grades. yeah, he has to be smart enough to hold an intellegent conversation, but if he failed calculus, I won't reject him.



3. race. screw my family. I'll date whatever color boy I see fit to date.



4. previous girlfriends. I'm not a jealous girl. as long as they're not current girlfriends, I don't care if he's had thirty nine girlfriends, or if I'm the first



5. religion. again, this is excepting extremes, like he can't be a cult leader or priest.



6. dress. I have no fashion sense at all. I dress like a dancer all the time. I can't think, off the top of my head, of the last time someone saw my bare knees without tights.



7. trendiness. I guess this sort of goes with dress, but there are other things as well. he can go with fads, or not. just as long as he dosn't expect me to. passing fads are too expensive.



8. I don't care if he can play cards or not



9. I don't care if he can do a cartwheel or not



10. I don't care whether he's read "Pride and Prejudice" or not



11. I don't care what his favorite color is



12. I don't care if he can ice skate



13. I don't care if he's ever been to Jamaica



14. I don't care if he likes peanut butter or not



15. what his first name is



16. who his family is



17. how ld he was when he learned to read



18. if he prefers apples or oranges



19. if he drinks tea



20. if he can name all the capitols of the US states



21. What his first grade teacher's name was

Hmmmm.... I don`t see the difference there. I mean, a person`s got to date before they get anywhere near marrying someone, so they gotta have those things sorted before they get to the marriage stage or they`re gonna be in deep guacamole!



It`s not that I`m saying some of those things are unimportant in life generally, it`s just that I personally can`t see why they should be an influence on whether you date someone or not. Or maybe that`s just me.








Ironically, you`ve pointed out why I started this thread, but in an inverse way. It`s about not being an idealist and expecting too much of people.



Granted, too many differences can (and often does) make people incompatible or even prevents them from getting on in the first place but I`m of the opinion that placing too many requirements on a potential mate is being a little too selective. Almost like choosing people from some kind of shopping list.



I still liked your logic though. I was in fits of laughter by (c) and in total horror from (d) to (g)! I don`t know where I gave the impression that I don`t care whether she knows what the washing machine looks like or that she`s supposed to put her clothes in it, never mind the loo from planet smellmenot!



And as for nu-metal. Well, I`ll get some really, really good ear defenders!

Every time I think I've thought of a reason, I think of a reason it isn't a reason...



eg, Religion. In general I don't care what religion you are. But that's not true. If you're a conservative fundamental Christian, we're going to have a tough time. So scratch that.



Money. I don't care how much money you make. But that's not true either. I don't want to support you if your just being lazy and don't like to work.



If s/he prefers apples or oranges. Surely it would never work if you like apples better. I mean, come on, Apples?

1. I don't care if he uses any instant messenger programs.



2. I don't care what computer OS he prefers, as long as he's not over-the-top and declaring all other kinds sinful.



3. I don't care what his view on spanking children is. I can go either way, so as long as he doesn't embrace an absolute extreme, we're good.



4. I don't care how much money he makes within a certain range. If he's a multimillionaire, I could see us having some major problems because I'd want to give most of it away.



5. I don't care what job he has within a range. I am NOT marrying a current matador, a current slaughterhouse worker, or a number of other things I find completely objectionable. He could have, however, done those things in the past and changed his mind.



6. I don't care whether he'd rather sleep on the left or the right side of the bed.



7. I don't care whether he likes vegetables or fruit better.



8. I don't care whether he has long, medium, or short hair.



9. I don't care what his last name is. I reserve the right not to adopt it or combine it with my current last name if I so choose.



10. I don't care whether he likes SoyDelicious or WooCity soy ice cream better.



11. I don't care whether he's a better cook of Indian food or Thai food.



12. I don't care what ethnic background he has or what place(s) on the planet he grew up in.



13. I don't care whether he'd rather go barefoot or wear shoes.

That's just heartless!

Dr. Schmeebis, are you saying that you care passionately about having to ever and only talk to your sweetie via AIM or YM or ICQ or the others? ;-)

these are all dependant on my 21 do cares eg whether he's rich or poor, he must be generous

1. I don't care how rich he is

2. I don't care if how he dresses

3. I don't care if he goes out drinking with his mates

4. I don't care if he forgets Valentines Day

5. I don't care what colour his eyes are, or his skin, or his hair



I'll maybe think of some more

It's sex....admit it. That's what makes or breaks everything.. You can ignore about any bad or annoying habit as long as there's plenty of hot steamy-Calump-wump-wump...Is buried by a pile of hurled rotten vegetables thrown at him by all of the insenced women writting beautific ideologies of the perfect mate*

A muffled "Buwt dyou knowst its twooo" comes from the bottom of the festering pile... T.

I like "ever and often" better than "ever and only." Wait, actually, only would be better. On a date, just use your cellular's text messaging..

Yeah don't count on it buddy.

Last year, I lived in a hall dominated by computer science majors, and at one point this fight got so explosive that the RA had to threaten to call the cops.



Ironically, the people who wound up working for Microsoft are die-hard Mac fans. Maybe there's hope for the future.



Terra

Hmm.. yeah. If a guy is good in bed I can ignore a lot of things. Unfortunately.

What!? Even if he`s a corpse chomper?



That`s terrible Marie.



Go fetch your standards out of the bin!





Of course, I would do no such thing....

How fortunate there are some that are veggie too...Aren't there-?... Well I know of at least one............

I sorta think it might be possible for those who don't even know that they haven't experienced "Stellar sex" not to understand your comment though. But there would always be the possibility you could.....ch-ch-change him right-? Ahhhh perhaps not, but at least you'd have the........... T.

Does it matter whether your partner fakes the orgasm or not?

I watched When Harry Met Sally recently...that's why I asked. I have that hilarious scene in the diner running through my head, when Sally attracts the attention of all the other customers while making her point. *rotfl*

Reading this thread, has made me realize how much I DO care about... and I think I'll go post in the other one. :P



Am I shallow? Or rather, I think I've just tried things that don't work, and, in order to have a LOVER, not just a f*ck partner, I need certain things to be... compatible.