My boyfriend of nearly 4 years doesnt know what he wants - VeggieBoards
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#1 Old 05-12-2014, 02:51 PM
 
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So heres my problem. I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 4 years...living together for nearly 3. I thought everything was okay, however out of the blue he tells me he needs to "do him" for a while and needs space...so has moved all his stuff back to his parents. He has asked that we dont talk for a couple of weeks while he gets his head together and decides what he wants. Im so confused...he says he still loves me but isnt sure if its enough anymore..then texting me things like dont be upset we will work through, then next day be so cold. We have so much I cant understand why he wants to throw it away all of a sudden...we were both 18 when we got together so i am happy to give him space as it means we can still be together and attempt to work through. And i dont know how im gonna go 2 - 3 weeks without speaking to someone who i have seen everyday for 3 years. Im not sure whether to have hope...but then if i have hope and he decides he doesnt want to try work through then I will be even more heartbroken! Any advice / opinions?
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#2 Old 05-12-2014, 03:21 PM
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I say turn the tables. Tell him you have been thinking the same thing & can't believe he feels the same way. Tell him you need to "discover yourself" & thank you for this time. Then girl treat yourself great. Get a new haircut, Go out with friends and laugh & laugh. Talk to someone close and vent in secret. Watch a sad movie alone and have a good cry ( DO NOT CALL HIM). Take a long sleep after your cry then go do something silly and adventurous! Be sure your commen friends see you so hopefully they report back to him how great you are! If he is worth keeping he will come back and apologize for this immature move. People work through things they don't leave. Personally I might write him off but you seem open to giving a second chance. Make sure he knows your the one that's cutting him the break when he calls. NEVER CALL OR TEXT FIRST! Ignore some calls & texts too. Good luck. Life is too short to dwell in lost options. Go out & live it!! Hugs!
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#3 Old 05-12-2014, 03:33 PM
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I'm assuming he made no attempt to discuss this with you, before he took action? If that's the case, and he asks to come back to you, you should tell him to stay with his parents, while you "get your own head together." Let him know you're not a toy or a pet to be kicked around according to his whims. If the relationship is worth saving, it will withstand both his test and your own. Remember, if he does this to you once, he may do it again. You have to ask yourself, is that what you want?


"There is more wisdom in the song of a bird, than in the speech of a philosopher...." -Oahspe
"The thing is, you cannot judge a race. Any man who judges by the group is a pea-wit. You take men one at a time." -Buster Kilrain, The Killer Angels -Michael Shaara
"Anyone who doesn't believe in miracles isn't a realist." -Billy Wilder
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#4 Old 05-12-2014, 06:29 PM
 
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Thank you both for your input...it helps to get other perspectives. I think part of his issue is hes exhausted..he has taken on a new job which requires more hoursbut he says this isnt the case. A few months ago however we bought a place together! it jusy doesnt make sense how we can go from one extreme.to the next overnight. I honestly do beleive what we have is worth fighting for....bur I dont know how to make him realise.
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#5 Old 05-12-2014, 06:38 PM
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You say you bought a place together, but you're not married? Whose name is
the mortgage in and do you have proof of any payments you've made? Will you be able to financially support the house without his income?

He sounds like a coward.

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#6 Old 05-12-2014, 07:33 PM
 
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Not married but yes we bought a flat in both our names. Hence why I am confused how someone can go from one extreme to the next. How can a person go from discussing and planning your life together to this....doesnt make any sense.
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#7 Old 05-13-2014, 03:55 AM
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Sometimes people are scared of commitment and they may not even know that's what is the cause of their abrupt behaviour .... Give him space and please, keep your mind occupied .... Keep busy let time take its course.... Take good care of yourself! smiley.gif
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#8 Old 05-13-2014, 06:36 AM
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I agree with what everyone else has said. Use this opportunity to focus on YOU. If you've been together 4 years, what's a couple of months compared to that, especially if it ends up reinforcing the relationship in the long run?

 

I went through something similar with my SO almost a year ago. He left to go out for some drinks with a few buddies one night, kissed me and told me he loved me before heading out, then when he finally came home (much much later than he'd told me), he broke up with me. It was completely out of the blue. It didn't take him long to come back to me and say he'd made a mistake and he wanted me in his life again, but I decided to put on the brakes! I did not want to be toyed with like that, my emotions beat around like a ragdoll on a roller coaster, so I told him I wouldn't shut down the possibility of getting back together, but that it was clear our relationship needed more time to heal, be built up with a more solid foundation. And that's exactly what we did, we took a lot of steps backward, but kept on moving forward from there and built a much more solid bond because of it. It took almost three months before I felt ready for him to move back into our apartment, and during that time I did a lot of 'me' stuff. I redecorated the apartment, went out with friends, drank straight outta the wine bottle and cried my little heart out, had long relaxing bubble baths with candles, etc.!

 

I know it's worrisome to leave him be and have all you can do be simply hoping he makes the decision you want him to make. But this is a decision he will make, not you, and if you keep reaching out to him, what you might view as helping him, he might view as stifling him. So let him be, take this time to reconnect with your independent self, and wait for him to come back to you. He will :)

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#9 Old 05-13-2014, 07:03 PM
 
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Thanks for your input all....definately food for thought!
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#10 Old 05-13-2014, 07:04 PM
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I'm sorry you're going through this.

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#11 Old 05-15-2014, 01:06 PM
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I'm sorry he's doing this to you. My first boyfriend did something similar to me after 5 1/2 years together. I had quit my job and moved out of state to be with him. He broke up with me after we moved all the way across the country. I was 18 when we started dating, he was my first everything. I couldn't imagine my life without him. Flash forward 4 years, I'm the happiest I've ever been.

Give him time to figure things out. You don't want him staying with you out of obligation, you want him to want to. It might be the boost your relationship needs or a good break so it's easier to go your own ways. Your happiness can't be dependent on him. You have to be able to be you outside of the relationship. Take the time to take care of yourself, spend a lot of time with friends. Learn to be independent. It will benefit you in the long run, no matter how things turn out. I hope things work out with you two.



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#12 Old 05-24-2014, 12:51 AM
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I agree with what everyone else has said. Not much more to add other than I am sorry you are dealing with this.
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#13 Old 05-24-2014, 06:32 AM
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😘let us know how it turns out?🌻
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#14 Old 05-28-2014, 01:18 PM
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Just letting you know I'm thinking of you!

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#15 Old 05-31-2014, 11:44 PM
 
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Hi all, so its been a few weeks now and thia is whats happened. When he saw me again wanting to collect rest of his stuff, he said he wanted to try seeing eachother like at the beginning to see if we could work through. He made it clear this consisted of sex, and because im in love with him i agreed. I met with him 3 times last week but i obviously wanted more..to hang out..go somewhere where we can just enjoy spending time etc.

After realising i was making all the effort i clocked how used i felt and that i wasnt having it and told him im not bothering and hes acted like a **** bag (which he doesnt see). I now know that he is talking to different girls, going out alot (i assume on the pull), and inevitably is going to end up sleeping with them if he hasnt already. I think im now in an angry stage while i do still love him!

I just hope he wakes up one day and realises what he has thrown away as he pushed for all we had! I would like to think if that time comes im strong enough to look him in the eye and tell him to do one! But atm while i am angry, i am still incredibly hurt, jealous and devastated. The thought of him with someone else turns my stomache!!

I really dont understand how he could have done this to me over what appears to now be him wanting to live the single life. I just hope it hits him one day and hard...but his mind set atm IF this does happen my gut feeling is tht it will take a minimum of 6 months...he has even booked a lads holiday in July and we all know what happens there!!

I am still checking his social network profiles to see what he is doing and he seems to be adding alot of girls which again makes me angry and hurt. Im not ready yet to cut the cord fully anf stop looking at what hes doing and where hes going. This is the worst feeling in the world.

Does anyone think guys regret stuff like this eventually? '
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#16 Old 06-01-2014, 05:49 AM
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Lauren, you are wanting different things than he is. You deserve better than him; the quicker you cut ties, the easier it will be. Good luck.
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#17 Old 06-01-2014, 07:49 AM
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Hi Lauren ! Yes, he will regret if he is not a complete a****le. But I don't think he will tell you one day (pride, you know). Everyone here already pointed what I am about to say, but I want to share my experience and my support.

I was in both situations. I was first like your boyfriend. Things happened just too fast for me and I did not realise it until I met someone new. I wanted to make "my own experiences" before entering what I saw as a long quiet marital life (yes, silly me). And as my boyfriend was my first love, this situation was new and I did not know how to deal with that. As things went on, I ended up doing the wrong things (sleeping with someone else while we hadn't completely broke up). He figured that, and he had been devastated for a while. I regreted it so much I texted him six months later (second mistake) : we met again, it was "as fresh as the old good times", we slept together that same day (third mistake). In the end, I broke his heart twice. (So if he has to come back, do not accept too quickly).

And I was quite in your situation with my second boyfriend, so I had my lesson learned. I did neither bear the fact I was not his priority, nor did I bear the fact I became extremely jealous. As a result, I felt more and more miserable.

I do not want to teach you something, I simply want to reassure you. Even if you lived 4 perfect years, he has no excuse for acting like that all of a sudden. He may not even mean to harm, but the result is that you are suffering.

LedBoots is right : you have to cut ties. Otherwise you will suffer twice : once because of his behaviour, once because of your reaction to it. You are not undesirable, your are not a jealous harpy, it is just life going on and him not knowing what he wants. You do know at least what you don't want : this kind of relationship.

It will be hard (4 years of relationship do not vanish within a week), you will cry (and that does so much good to cry all day, go to sleep, and wake up fully restored the next day!). But you will have so much time to think and care about you, to do what you want, what you never had time to do when you were living with him, to see friends more often, etc.

I wish you all the best, whatever that may be
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#18 Old 06-01-2014, 08:39 AM
 
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Sorry that you're going through this Lauren!

Once upon a time I was in the same situation. It broke my heart and I tried so hard to make it work. After a couple months of what I would describe as something similar to emotional torture, I realized that at least if I was single I wouldn't be staying awake all night worrying about whether the guy was cheating on me. So, I blocked him on social media and set his emails to spam, changed my number and spent a lot of time pampering myself. I also spent a lot of nights ordering in my fave veggie pizza with a bottle of red wine LOL I went on road trips and camping adventures with my best friend, had girl's nights. It was honestly a bit like coming up for fresh air.

And when I met the next guy (now my husband) and he cancelled dates on me a couple times, I vowed that I would never let anyone step on me again. I texted him to let him know that I spent enough times getting put through the ringer, I wasn't interested in head games, that I really liked him but if he wasn't interested in me there were no hard feelings. He later told me that his experience with dating other girls it was always about head games, and when I called him on it he had so much respect for me and felt relieved, and that he knew that we could build something on honesty and integrity.

Anyways, my point is that when you let go of the nasty c**p that holds you back it can be hard, but it can also be like letting go of a heavy burden that you didn't even realize you were carrying. And when you demand more for yourself, not only do you often get it, but you open yourself up to so many awesome opportunities that you sometimes can't see when you're distracted by the drama.

<3 Don't let him give you the run around! And be kind to yourself

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#19 Old 06-01-2014, 08:59 AM
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Please, don't waste your time looking at his social activity .... Keep yourself busy join some classes or a gym.... Make new friends! I know it must be really difficult but you have to put him in the past and move forward and Stop worrying about what and who he is doing !:banghead: You will only make yourself more depressed

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#20 Old 06-09-2014, 11:07 AM
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You shouldn't have lived with someone who was only your boyfriend, not your husband. It is good that he is getting on the proper path by distancing himself from someone who agreed to go down a morally corrupt road with him. I hope you can learn from his example.
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#21 Old 06-09-2014, 04:50 PM
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You shouldn't have lived with someone who was only your boyfriend, not your husband. It is good that he is getting on the proper path by distancing himself from someone who agreed to go down a morally corrupt road with him. I hope you can learn from his example.
Judging people is not nice.
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#22 Old 06-09-2014, 08:38 PM
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We all judge people to some degree. If someone was a murderer you would probably judge them; similarly, I see something heinous going on such as someone living with their boyfriend, so I bring it to their attention.
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#23 Old 06-09-2014, 11:43 PM
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We all judge people to some degree. If someone was a murderer you would probably judge them; similarly, I see something heinous going on such as someone living with their boyfriend, so I bring it to their attention.
Having read some of your other highly offensive posts this morning, I call troll!
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#24 Old 06-10-2014, 10:51 PM
 
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well over my long life I have learned this about relationships. When a guy takes off, he has probably been thinking about it for a while, while you are probably blind-sided. Never ever believe what he (or she) is saying if their actions don't match. He can tell you anything and you might believe it because you want to, but don't

Don't defend him, don't try to find reasons for why he left. Life is what it is, he wants to leave, so let him. He wants to try something else, so what can you do, but let him get on with it. There is no reason a man who really wants to be with a woman won't do his best to make that happen.

So, he has gone. Okay, it is a very hard place, I have been there a few times. You know the routine, though, don't call him. Why would you? Don't offer that sort of relationship where we aren't really a couple but you can drop by for sex either. That won't do either of you any good and your self-esteem will take a beating.

You will see, in time, that there is someone way more right for you. If I could have saved all the tears I cried when I got dumped I would be drowning today. But instead I am happily married and getting ready to retire.

Life can be long, go the distance, be good to yourself and let the ones that don't make you shine .... just go.

Your wise (okay a bit wiser than before) old aunt.
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#25 Old 06-12-2014, 12:17 PM
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well over my long life I have learned this about relationships. When a guy takes off, he has probably been thinking about it for a while, while you are probably blind-sided. Never ever believe what he (or she) is saying if their actions don't match. He can tell you anything and you might believe it because you want to, but don't

Don't defend him, don't try to find reasons for why he left. Life is what it is, he wants to leave, so let him. He wants to try something else, so what can you do, but let him get on with it. There is no reason a man who really wants to be with a woman won't do his best to make that happen.

So, he has gone. Okay, it is a very hard place, I have been there a few times. You know the routine, though, don't call him. Why would you? Don't offer that sort of relationship where we aren't really a couple but you can drop by for sex either. That won't do either of you any good and your self-esteem will take a beating.

You will see, in time, that there is someone way more right for you. If I could have saved all the tears I cried when I got dumped I would be drowning today. But instead I am happily married and getting ready to retire.

Life can be long, go the distance, be good to yourself and let the ones that don't make you shine .... just go.

Your wise (okay a bit wiser than before) old aunt.
This time a million!!!



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#26 Old 07-09-2014, 02:38 PM
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If you check your old post Lauren I do hope you're doing well

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