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-   -   How do you "break up" with a friend? (https://www.veggieboards.com/forum/25-relationships-family/145988-how-do-you-break-up-friend.html)

River 05-04-2014 11:39 AM

I have this friend I have known for eight or so years and... I just feel like it is a totally one sided friendship. I helped him through his awful break up, making myself available no matter the time if he needed someone. When I have problems or make decisions he doesn't agree with he shuts down. He seems incapable of being supportive if he doesnt agree with the root decision, even if everything has turned out wonderfully.

We talk like all day long every day but I am done, I don't want to anymore. He is never in a good mood or friendly and it is draining. I don't want to lose the friendship, I just want to take fove steps back and stop talking everyday.

leedsveg 05-04-2014 12:10 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by River View Post

I have this friend I have known for eight or so years and... I just feel like it is a totally one sided friendship. I helped him through his awful break up, making myself available no matter the time if he needed someone. When I have problems or make decisions he doesn't agree with he shuts down. He seems incapable of being supportive if he doesnt agree with the root decision, even if everything has turned out wonderfully.

We talk like all day long every day but I am done, I don't want to anymore. He is never in a good mood or friendly and it is draining. I don't want to lose the friendship, I just want to take five steps back and stop talking everyday.

Seems like a bit of a one-sided "friendship" to me, River. Without a mutual regard and respect, friendship may be too strong a word. Friends should be at least friendly.

 

For your own well-being (integrity too?), the steps you contemplate taking in your last sentence appear reasonable.


runnerjenny 05-12-2014 10:30 AM

River, I had to do this very thing.  I had a friend who I saw on a daily basis, we were very very close, and I helped  her out a good bit.  She would get herself in trouble by getting drunk and doing dumb things.  I was always there to help her pick up the pieces, and to try and talk to her about the drinking.  Also, if we went out together, she would just get angry and nasty..say hateful things, drive off and leave me in restaurants or bars...One night, after a particularly drunken hateful bout of her telling me what a dumb, terrible person I am in my kitchen, I had enough.  The next day she said didn't remember any of it, and that she was sorry.  I told her, well...it's not ok this time.  

A month or two later, I thought, well maybe I'll give her one more chance.  Guess what happened the very first night I gave our friendship a second shot?  More of the same.  For my own well-being, I had to let her go.  It hurt, but it had to be done.  Also, I was enabling her to continue being that way by letting her get that drunk and act like that around me, and always saying, "it's ok".  I hope by ending our friendship, she got better, as well.


yurak 05-12-2014 03:22 PM

It's clearing toxic people out your life. If a person is pulling you down all the time they probably don't deserve to be in your life.
Some people are blind to their actions, because they are 'normal'.

The simplest technique is distance yourself from them. Don't reply to texts, don't pick up calls, come up with reasons to be else where -use truths where possible, juggling lies is a pain & stress. Just blow them off like a date you're not bother about.

Lapzuli 07-21-2014 01:59 AM

I have had the same issues with a friend of mine, or ex. friend of mine, I should say.
He kept putting me down, disrespecting me and the only words out of his mouth were about badmouthing other people. I just couldn´t take it anymore. I had also forgiven him in the past.
A true friend just doesn´t take, he/she gives as well. If not, that is not a friend, just someone who use you.

They say that your true friends accept a No - and also when you don´t agree with them. I think that´s a great way of finding out which ones are true friends.

anole 07-21-2014 08:47 AM

If you want to keep the 'friendship' in your life, probably just back off on responses and time you spend with them without saying anything. I'd guess that bringing your issues up would lead to a greater chance of a confrontation and blow-up on the part of the other person, since it doesn't sound like you could have an emotionally intelligent or mature discussion with them about this... have you ever come out and said "I really need your help on this" or "I really wish you'd be supportive of this for me" to them?

Joe 07-21-2014 04:35 PM


Just substitute "friend" for "lover."

cobalamin 07-21-2014 05:02 PM

Do they consume animal products? I use to feel like crap during my omni days; totally dysfunctional!

Maybe he isn't aware of his self abusive ways which lead to also abusing others.

Give him an ultimatum. Grow together or walk separately.

Ginariffic 07-22-2014 09:42 AM

I don't think you should take five steps backward from this friend. I think you should walk far away from this person and stop using the word "friend" to describe him. He sounds like the kind of person who is only around when he needs support, but can't reciprocate. It's not a good relationship to be in. You deserve to surround yourself with supportive, if not like-minded people. I prefer to have friends I vehemently disagree with on a number of topics, but I would never be friends with someone who disrespected me for my views.

oodlesofnoodles 07-22-2014 02:13 PM

I recently 'broke up' with a friend, who was literally just like a clingy partner. He was just TOO MUCH, 24/7 all the time, it was weird. After years of being nice and feeling guilty for not inviting him places, I finally just told him.

I feel that is the best way you should go about things. Try distancing yourself first, don't be the shoulder to cry on, ignore a few texts, etc. If he doesn't pick up the hint, you just then need to tell him straight. Looking back I can't believe I did it ahaa! You feel like a cow for about two minutes but the feeling of 'freedom' afterwards is great.

Now we are just civil. Sort of. He is very immature about it, which your friend may be at first, but don't lower yourself to that level.

Good luck with it!

2kkatime 08-19-2014 12:18 PM

I sort of passively "broke up" with a friend who seems similar to this last year.... we had talked every single day for years, and she was increasingly negative. The relationship was not enriching at all, and in fact it was like she'd go out of her way to bring negativity into my day with whatever little digs she could get in. One day I just....never texted her back. And she never responded to me either. And it was over.

And there was another situation with my college roommate coming to stay with me for a weekend...we apparently have very different priorities in our lives now...and after she downed all of the vodka and beer in the house, belligerently insulted my neighbours and good friends, was sick all over my living room, then yelled at me that I was no fun any more because I was married with children (children who were in bed, thank goodness) and had the nerve to ask her to clean up her own vomit......I had to let her know that it was for the best if she didn't come stay any more. She occasionally emails now, but the friendship is definitely no more.

Sometimes it sucks, but it'll be worth it to rid yourself of that negative energy. And really, from what you've said, he does not seem to be a friend to you.


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