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-   -   My BF Calls Me Names - I Don't Think He Likes/Loves Me. (https://www.veggieboards.com/forum/25-relationships-family/145532-my-bf-calls-me-names-i-dont-think-he-likes-loves-me.html)

wonderchick 04-03-2014 11:18 AM

My bf & I have been together sonce 2010. I love him & we're thinking of getting married this summer but I don't think he likes me much because he calls me a b**** & a w**** when he's insecure & angry. The first time he called me a name was in 2011. It hurt me so much because I have never been disrespected in that way! When he calls me names now, I brace myself but it doesn't sting anymore but I don't want to be called bad names from a man I'm giving my body & heart to. I've never been in a relationship where my guy didn't think the world of me.

 

He doesn't call me names out of the blue or everyday. It usually happens when I disagree with him, does something he thinks isn't appropiate or have an opinion. Last week I went otr with him in his truck. (He's a truck driver.) We were in Norfolk, VA & I decided to reach out to my childhood friend I haven't seen in years. Most of my friends are true friends & it doesn't matter how long it's been since we've seen each other. We can always pick up back where we left off. This friend was a male & I've never had a sexual relationship with him. In fact the only man I talk to that I've had a sexual relationship with is my son's father. I don't speak to any of my exes so I don;t know why my bf is worried about other men.

 

My friend is married, has a son & his wife invited us over as well. When my bf found out that I had called a male friend, he gets angry, calls me a b & a hoe, says that I'm being disrespectful for calling another man in his truck & if I'm going to call another man, I should do so when he isn't around. I'm hurt because I love him & wasn't being disrespectful in my eyes. I was trying to get us out of the truck for a while & have dinner & drinks w/ another couple.

 

I explain to him that my friend is only a friend but he doesn't listen. My friend, who is on the phone is alarmed by his behavior & tells me that he has never spoken to any woman he cared about like that. I'm embarassed & I hang up. More damage is done.

 

Because my bf got his way, he returns to his normal loving self. He said that I was acting like a b**** & a w**** & that's why he called me those names. I told him that if he didn't stop the name calling, I would leave him for good. He says that he's sorry & said he wouldn't do it again but calls me names today because I told him I wasn't getting from him what I needed in our relationship. We should feel good about each other & I don't want him putting me down all the time. I also tried to discuss his selfishness because he doesn't provide for me at all. When he asked me to ride on his truck for a week, he said he would buy my food because I'm on disability because I had foot surgery & my cash is low. By the 2nd day he was complaining about buying my vegatarian food but he easily spent $40 on himself daily...food, baseball hats, clothes etc. In the 4 years when he needed my help, I was always there for him. If he needed $ & I only had $10, I'd give him $5 because that is what partners do right? The day he complained about my food, I actually didn't eat because I didn't want to hear his mouth but I overheard him on the phone telling his brother that I'm his love & he would buy me whatever I wanted. That isn't true but I let it go to avoid an argument.

 

I wasn't *****y when I told him he wasn't giving me what I needed. I said it nicely so that we can discuss it like adults. He felt that I attacked his manhood & went crazy on me. Called me names, said I have too much baggage & he wasted 4 years on me.

 

I try to avoid arguments with him but sometimes they are inevitable because he creates arguments from small things. He even argued because I didn't want to go to bed at 7pm when he wanted to! I wasn't tired but again I did it to avoid an argument & a temper flash.

 

I don't know what to do because I love him but I don't think he's changing. He wants us to buy a house together but I think I'll have the full responsibility because he is too selfish to provide for my son & I.

 

Do you think he loves me & will he change? He's a 39 yr old man & I'm 32.


Werewolf Girl 04-03-2014 01:09 PM

This is a textbook abusive relationship. He's controlling and manipulating you and using insults to make you do whatever he wants, the fact that he only "returns to his normal loving self" after he's gotten his way should tell you everything you need to know.

I know you feel like you love him but you need to get out of this relationship, it's extremely unhealthy and do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who treats you like crap and abuses you emotionally?

I'm so sorry you're going through this, do you currently live with him? Is there a safe place you can go? hug.gif

ilikekale 04-03-2014 01:12 PM

RUN!

Run fast! Run far! Do not look back. Your bf is insane.

You need to get out. Now!

Ken

veggie weasel 04-03-2014 01:30 PM

This is definitely mental/emotional abuse. I would say that this relationship is no good and you need to leave, but I know its more complicated than that sometimes. I don't know the details about this and all that you've been through together. I've been in a similar situation... and it just boils down to whether you think he is worth the trouble (which it seems like he is not). You have been with him for this long and nothing has changed, right? Seems like this is just the way he is and thats more than likely never going to change. He honestly sounds like a spoiled child that wasn't taught to respect others. This is the kind of person who needs to seek help for himself before he gets involved in anyone else's life. Nobody can tell you what to do about this, you have to make up your mind on your own. Sometimes it is really hard to do what is best for yourself, but I bet that you will feel 1000% better if you decide to get out of this toxic relationship.


yurak 04-03-2014 01:37 PM

If he truely likes you he shouldn't be calling you hurtful names. He's throwing insults & tantrums to get his way. Take some of the situations and like he kicks up a fuss while you're on the phone to get you off the phone.

Werewolf Girl 04-03-2014 01:40 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Veggie Weasel View Post

This is definitely mental/emotional abuse. I would say that this relationship is no good and you need to leave, but I know its more complicated than that sometimes. I don't know the details about this and all that you've been through together. I've been in a similar situation... and it just boils down to whether you think he is worth the trouble (which it seems like he is not). You have been with him for this long and nothing has changed, right? Seems like this is just the way he is and thats more than likely never going to change. He honestly sounds like a spoiled child that wasn't taught to respect others. This is the kind of person who needs to seek help for himself before he gets involved in anyone else's life. Nobody can tell you what to do about this, you have to make up your mind on your own. Sometimes it is really hard to do what is best for yourself, but I bet that you will feel 1000% better if you decide to get out of this toxic relationship.

Toxic is a good word for it, and I agree he sounds like a spoiled child.

The man is almost 40 years old, if he hasn't figured out how to not be abusive in a relationship by now I highly doubt he's going to suddenly change after marriage. What worries me most is that the emotional abuse and name calling could easily escalate into physical abuse.

WonderChick, you mentioned you have a son. If you don't feel you can leave this abusive relationship for your own sake at least do it for your sons, growing up in an abusive environment and seeing his mother being put down and verbally assaulted could have a serious psychological impact on him as he grows up. Kids copy what they see their parents do and I worry that he will either learn to copy your boyfriend and disrespect his partners in future relationships or learn that being emotionally abused is acceptable and become a victim himself. sad.gif

Huckleberry 04-03-2014 02:27 PM

He is not going to change, his behavior will only escalate if you marry him. How can you love someone who is constantly treating you like garbage?

Move of Ten 04-03-2014 03:47 PM

I agree with Werewolf Girl, you should end the relationship for your sake and your son's. I think getting married and buying a house together would both be bad ideas. The harder it is for you to leave him, the more incentive he has to act abusive or controlling without fear of you leaving. Also I have to assume that the more he sees that he can get away with it, the more he will be encouraged to do it.


silva 04-03-2014 06:24 PM

LEAVE HIM AND DO NOT LOOK BACK!!! 

 

Regardless of any possibility of him changing, you should leave. Not only is this man treating you like trash, you are slowly treating yourself like trash. You need to be the most important person in your life, for yourself, and for your son.

How do you think your son is being affected? He needs parents that are both strong, respectful, caring and trustworthy. This man has nothing of that! Even if you think his bad times can be dismissed--they can't. Behavior that causes you to change yourself just to appease someone else is very, very dangerous!! And dangerous for your growing boy.

Get out. Say it once, say it unrelentingly. Do not give him "another chance". Get out. 

Let everyone who cares for you know what you're doing every step of the way. Always let someone know where you are going and to keep in contact.

I don't know if he may stalk you or be a threat, but quite frankly, neither do you.

 

DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE WHAT THIS MAN IS CAPABLE OF WHEN HE DOESN'T GET HIS WAY!

 

Please stay on this forum!  :hug:


wonderchick 04-04-2014 10:22 AM

Thanks for your support & honesty. It is an abusive relationship no matter how I look at it. I tried to avoid the truth for a long time & often wondered why I love him. Loving a damaged person is the hardest thing I have ever done...letting go seems even harder but I don't have a choice. It seems like I'm fighting a losing battle...fate vs my feelings. I can't have good feelings towards a person who calls me names & says other things to put me down. He has even insulted my body, called me ugly & sent pics of other women & said they looked better than me. That was his response when I stopped speaking to him for 3 days for caling me names. He hasn't apologized either!

 

When I first met him he had a coke addiction & I supported him through it. I've always supported him & had hoped he would be there to support our family but I think he is too jaded to open his heart & trust me so instead, he puts me down, says absolutely nothing positive about my character but elevates other women & his some of his ex gfs. like they are the best thng in the world. Our relationship has't been easy but I've tried my best to do the right thing by. He is unapolgetic for most he has done, feels justified by his actions & says that he was reacting to my actions & expects me to move on without an apology & with the same behavior.

 

It's hard to admit it but he adds nothing to my life except negativity. Everything is about him. He doesn't like me to answer my cell if someone calls or texts but he will answer his! The same rules that apply to him do not apply to me. We don't live together anymore because he's otr as a truck driver but he wants me to relocate to be with him by th end of the summer. He hasn't offered any $ or help for me to do so but says...all I'll have to do is pack my house, drive it to GA & put it in storage until we get a house. He has a 1 bedroom which isn't enough room for 3 people & pets. Me moving without a job will be a bigger problem because he will be in control & will not support my or my son's needs.

 

I know what I SHOULD do but why is it so hard? This is my first abusive relationship so why am I codependent on one? Does it take only one to become codependent? I have a lot of decisions to make. I know if I shut him from my life, it will have to be cold turkey & no contact. :-/

 

I know I appear to be naive or dumb for staying with him but I don't want to be alone! I want to be married & in a loving relationship but I have to love myself first to expect better treatment. I'm trying hard to!


lavender phase 04-04-2014 11:12 AM

Your son is your number one priority and I understand it is hard for you to leave your boyfriend but find the strength and put an end to this abusive relationship .... You and your baby deserve to be happy smiley.gif good luck and please, stay veggieboards cares and wants the best for you!

Joe 04-05-2014 08:24 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by WonderChick View Post


When my bf found out that I had called a male friend, he gets angry, calls me a b & a hoe

.

He called you a garden tool?

You are better off without him.

Rocket 04-06-2014 10:39 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by WonderChick View Post

 

I know I appear to be naive or dumb for staying with him but I don't want to be alone! I want to be married & in a loving relationship but I have to love myself first to expect better treatment. I'm trying hard to!


You seem to think your only choices are to "be alone" or to "be abused" in the context of a marriage.  That's what your post really comes down to.  Why do you think these are your only choices?  Is it because HE has told you, over and over, that no one else will ever want you - so you better stick with him as it's all you'll ever get??  Now, isn't it convenient for HIM that YOU believe this lie - as long as you believe the lie, you won't go anywhere!  And he will have his whipping boys (you and your son) forever!!  And how very convenient (for him) if you were to relocate with him, away from your job, your family, your  friends.  Then you'd have no money, no one near to hand to run to for help in a strange town.

 

But what if you had a 3rd choice: to be free to find a man who will treat you like precious gold, and love your son too - the way you both deserve??  Let me tell you, there is NO reason that can't happen - except that you have not freed yourself. 

 

It gets worse.  I have been in several abusive relationships - long story as to why, though none were as long as yours has been - the abusers *never* get better.  They *never* apologize.  They *never* admit they were wrong, they *never* change.  They only get worse, more extreme - it's like a game, to see how far they can push you, how much they will take, and then the challenge of getting you back again.  Many of them have personality disorders that can't be effectively treated, even if they were willing to get treatment.  Read this website - does any of it sound familiar?  http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/traits.html

 

Your BF does not love you, but he does love the power he has over you and your son.  Every day you stay puts you both in greater danger.  *Please* leave, and don't look back ever.

 

(If it would help you to hear about my own experiences, send me a private message.)


Purp 04-07-2014 06:33 PM

Run away!! Take your son, some clothes, some money and leave. Take a car or truck and go to a Greyhound bus station, Amtrak station, or airport. You are worth much more than he says, and, believe me, someone will love you totally and unconditionally for who you and your son are, not what you look like. If  you have a cell phone, clean it out (no numbers, internet sites still logged in, etc). and leave it behind. End all social networking sites (Facebook, MySpace, LinkedIn, etc). I wish both you and your son the best of luck.


Wolfie 04-08-2014 04:40 PM

Leave. And rehome the pets if you can't take them with you. Is there a no-kill shelter in your area? No living being should be subjected to this a-hole.


Wolfie 04-08-2014 04:41 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by silva View Post
 

 

DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE WHAT THIS MAN IS CAPABLE OF WHEN HE DOESN'T GET HIS WAY!

 

 

Worth repeating. Red flags all over the place.


faeryphoebe1 04-08-2014 10:51 PM

Wonderchick, it won't get better. It will only get worse.

Emotionally abusive partners wear you down until your perception of yourself and the rest of the world is warped. Abuse is insidious. Abusers are controlling, master manipulators who prey on the victim until the victim begins to believe that the abusive treatment is somehow their own fault.

I am still trying to get away from my husband, father of my children.

I'm trying to get all my ducks in a row so that I can get out of this stranglehold of a relationship.

It is so much more difficult to extricate yourself from someone you're married to. Assets, lawyers, etc.

I wish you & your son the best.

khadijah 04-15-2014 11:10 AM

I have been in abusive relationships  like this, get out while you can 



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