Expectations in new family, old family, school, the weather. River wants to ramble a little. - VeggieBoards
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#1 Old 03-06-2014, 05:06 PM
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I'm okay if no one replies to this, I mostly just need to... get it out into the universe.

This has been a very difficult semester for me. I was having doubts of all my life choices including law school, my new family, and who I am as a human, as an animal, and as... an energetic being in this universe. I have been struggling very hard with school to the point where I just... I broke down a bit and questioned why I am where I am.

This Rumi quote expresses my mental state:
Quote:
What you see here is
your own reflection.
I am still raw,
and at the same well-cooked,
and burnt to a crisp!

No one can tell if
I’m laughing or weeping.
I wonder myself.

I have been fighting with my life and with my family, and I really am fairly proud of myself for not being a total raving lunatic on here, perhaps it is my mod hat that kept me in line. The old River would have accrued at least a few infractions by now grin.gif

I just finished taking a pink sharpie pen to my Appellate brief for my legal writing class, and it felt... like the most liberating thing I have ever done. I was able to scratch out and delete my words and move them around. I could ask myself "why" and "so, what?" right before telling myself to expand and elaborate. I could call my argument weak in some places, and strong in others. There is something liberating about letting your words go and treating them like a modifiable puzzle meant to be rearranged and murdered at the same time.

Before this I was in a guided meditation and it just... it was an opening experience and I feel a universe of positive energy better now. I remembered why I am here in this place, at this moment and that I have an imagination it can all just be let go. It doesn't always have to occupy pieces of my brain.

During this, several relationships have suffered disastrously, I have rekindled old friendships (which aided in hurting another relationship) and I still... have a lot of hell to deal with in my personal life, but not right now. Not at this moment. I needed that moment of clarity that it is okay to let things go, let go of all my expectations of everything and let it all unfold as it would. My expectations don't change the outcome, they just make my face break out in horrible pimples (I'm not kidding, my face is breaking out like CRAZY).

So if someone reads this who is struggling and feels like they're drowning in your life, it's okay. The water above your head is likely your own expectations of how you thought something should be, or how something should turn out. The water is pretend, and it's your own creation. It's okay to drain the tub and dry off, and let things surprise you.
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"You will always be fond of me. I represent to you all the sins you never had the courage to commit.”
Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray
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#2 Old 03-06-2014, 10:44 PM
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:hug: Hang in there, it will get better.


Anytime I think I'm perfect, I remember that my cousin lives on an island, and I've never walked over to visit her.
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#3 Old 03-07-2014, 02:39 AM
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Thank you River for sharing this!  So needed to hear it.  I am in the exact same situation.  Last semester of school and I am questioning my direction and having serious doubts and anxiety.  To the point of feeling, well, I won't admit it here but I am REALLY struggling.  I have little support in my real life.  Just feeling very alone and discouraged.  And will be bringing my sick husband to mayo clinic next week.  He is going downhill fast.  Dang, I have to get off here and squeeze in a quiz I haven't had time to study for before I take off this weekend.  

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#4 Old 03-07-2014, 05:17 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Purp View Post

hug.gif  Hang in there, it will get better.

Sounds to me like she already is. I hear a lot of healing and positive emotion in that post.

I feel you're on a good path, River. Some days will be difficult and others will be celebrations. Sounds like you're learning to embrace both!

NB, I'll keep your husband in my prayers!

Ken
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#5 Old 03-07-2014, 09:18 AM
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I hope things get straightened out for you soon, @River. I like your Rum quote a lot. Here's another one for you. smiley.gif

"The wound is the place where the Light enters you." -Rumi
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#6 Old 03-07-2014, 10:51 AM
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My good wishes as always, River.

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#7 Old 03-08-2014, 04:34 AM
 
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Sorry if this is kinda off-topic, but let me ramble a little as well. Since you've making yourself vulnerable to us, lemme make myself vulnerable too :):)

 

I have many unfinished chapters in my life... people whom I walked away from on a bad note, never to talk to them again until it becomes easier to forget. I've walked away from many friends I've made online as well, because, well, the moment our interests change, it's hard to find a reason to talk to them once more.

 

Recently I've been trying to close these chapters.

 

I once wrote a fanfic and had a very passionate reader with an English degree who wrote extremely detailed reviews. However, when I came to the very last chapter of my fanfic, I found that I lost interest in finishing it because I lost interest in the series I based my fanfic off, and I abandoned it. That was also the time when I went vegetarian, which sucked up a lot of my attention from other things in my life. Naturally, I must've pissed a lot of people off. But there was nothing I could do. I can't write if the words don't flow, or my prose sounds very choppy and forced. So this reader, she never PMed me about it, asking why I stopped, nor did she write a review ever again.

 

Last week I decided to PM her, apologising for halting the fanfic abruptly and explaining to her why I lost interest in writing the fanfic. I told her that I'd understand if she never replied, but that I really hoped she would. So far, I haven't received a reply yet. And I don't think I will. Seems like I pissed her off real bad. But well, it somewhat comforts me that at least I tried. It would've been easier to forget, to forget that I once wrote this story which stirred emotions in many people, to pretend that was someone else. But I wanted to take responsibility for it.

 

Some time back, I was really good friends with this girl, whom, as cliche it can be, I developed feelings for. To make a long story short, I confessed and she friendzoned me, and there was A LOT of drama - although we spent a lot of time talking about our lives and confiding in each other, she got a boyfriend that she never told me about, and I was very unhappy about it because I always thought she was single (but I'm simplifying the actual details like crazy). Soo our friendship ended on a terrible note, and I deleted her on facebook and for 2 whole years I stopped all contact with her.

 

Recently I added her back again on facebook, and I apologised for my actions. I told her that I had no right to expect our friendship to be anything more than it was, and that I knew that she treasured our friendship for what it was, and told her that I did too in retrospect. I told her that I really regretted leaving this gaping hole in our lives, and that I wanted to close it. To my relief, she was happy to forgive me. So we spent an hour or so chatting, catching up with each others' lives (she didn't react as strongly as I thought she might when I told her I'd gone vegan, though she did ask me how I got my protein), and we plan to meet up for drinks some time in the near future. So yeah, I was really happy that I found the strength to do this.

 

This time there should be no problem being friends. I've realised that we don't match well as I used to think. Besides, I only dig vegan chicks now :cool:

 

I've also alienated a lot of friends because I went vegetarian, and then vegan. The people I've alienated most, I think, are not the somewhat conservative religious types, because they were always used to disagreeing with me on many things, but the feminist-pro-gay-anti-racist-sexual-innuendo-making-conformist-hipster-liberals (but they don't care about the environment) who can't stand the idea that I could possibly call them out on oppressive behaviour. My friendship with these people has really taken a tumble. I don't feel like I'm ready to talk to them about our differences, but eventually I want to try.

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