Coping with divorce.... - VeggieBoards
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#1 Old 03-03-2013, 05:21 PM
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After years of emotional abuse and having the symptoms of severe PTSD and alcoholism taken out on me by my ex-husband, I finally filed for divorce several months ago.  

 

It seemed like I was doing really well there for a while.  I even started dating someone else, who is a pretty good guy.  He's even a vegetarian! (my ex was NOT).  Lately, I haven't been feeling so well, emotionally.  I think some of it may have to do with the health issues I've been going through which has given me plenty of time to be stuck at home with my own thoughts.

 

I started feeling very depressed the last few weeks.  It kind of feels like I'm grieving the relationship.  I try to explain that to others, but most people just don't seem to understand.  This person was my best friend for 7 years prior to dating.  I guess I'm really bummed about how everything turned out.  I really did my best to try to salvage the relationship, but it was pretty much done.

 

Yesterday I found out that he had paid to fly a woman from another country to come spend a week with him.  The divorce is not yet final, and I've been helping him pay more than my fair share of bills because he claimed that he couldn't afford them.  I feel pretty betrayed...he also admitted that he started a relationship with this woman while he was out of the country for work, before we were separated.

 

I'm feeling pretty bitter, angry, and depressed.  I've decided to cease contact with my ex and let the lawyer handle all of it.  I've also made an appointment to talk to a counselor.  Any advice on how to cope with this?  :(

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#2 Old 03-03-2013, 06:17 PM
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If you go to a twelve-step group, they would tell you to detach with love. Easier said than done, but that is the goal.

What if your husband had been run over by a truck the day before you filed for divorce? You would mourn him and the loss of your relationship. You basically have to do the same thing now. (No, I am not saying that you should ever tell him "You are dead to me." Keep such thoughts to yourself and/or your counselor.)

That's my advice, and it's worth exactly what you paid for it.
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#3 Old 03-04-2013, 06:02 AM
 
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I know what you mean by grieving the relationship. Seems I grieved it for almost two years during separation time, thinking about getting back together, and dealing with peripheral issues like the monetary ones you speak about. It's been a long time and I'm remarried now but it seems like the grieving ended when the divorce was final. Coincidence or something more? I'm not sure.

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#4 Old 03-04-2013, 10:32 AM
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Congratulations on having the fortitude to leave an abuser.  You are grieving the end of a marriage not the end of the marriage to him.  There is a difference.  You may feel that you have failed at the marriage but you have succeeded in ending a bad relationship with an abuser.  Try to look at the ending as the new freedom from abuse that you have now.  You have the freedom to date a good man for a change and you also have the freedom to savor being by yourself with no one telling you what to do.  Try living by yourself for awhile and enjoying the freedom to live exactly how you want to.  Eat what you want, listen to the music you like, sleep when you want, go out when you want.  Learn to be selfish and really enjoy it!

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#5 Old 03-04-2013, 01:20 PM
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Divorces are hard...especially when you find out they've seen other women while you were together.  My ex did the same types of things, but it was more than one person. 

It's a really, really hard road to recovery, one of those one-day-at-a-time deals.  Just remember that you're better off, and look forward to the day you will be better.  Give yourself lots of time to grieve after the loss of your marriage. 

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#6 Old 03-05-2013, 10:29 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by angelene17 View Post

After years of emotional abuse and having the symptoms of severe PTSD and alcoholism taken out on me by my ex-husband, I finally filed for divorce several months ago.  

 

It seemed like I was doing really well there for a while.  I even started dating someone else, who is a pretty good guy.  He's even a vegetarian! (my ex was NOT).  Lately, I haven't been feeling so well, emotionally.  I think some of it may have to do with the health issues I've been going through which has given me plenty of time to be stuck at home with my own thoughts.

 

I started feeling very depressed the last few weeks.  It kind of feels like I'm grieving the relationship.  I try to explain that to others, but most people just don't seem to understand.  This person was my best friend for 7 years prior to dating.  I guess I'm really bummed about how everything turned out.  I really did my best to try to salvage the relationship, but it was pretty much done.

 

Yesterday I found out that he had paid to fly a woman from another country to come spend a week with him.  The divorce is not yet final, and I've been helping him pay more than my fair share of bills because he claimed that he couldn't afford them.  I feel pretty betrayed...he also admitted that he started a relationship with this woman while he was out of the country for work, before we were separated.

 

I'm feeling pretty bitter, angry, and depressed.  I've decided to cease contact with my ex and let the lawyer handle all of it.  I've also made an appointment to talk to a counselor.  Any advice on how to cope with this?  :(

I am sorry you are going through and have gone through what you did. I want to request that you check out griefshare.org. They have meetings and locations everywhere. It may help!


 

“All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think we become.”-Buddha
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#7 Old 03-07-2013, 11:04 PM
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So far, I've had the best luck with just taking things one day at a time.  I didn't realize how bad things really were until they stopped.  Like when the reality hit that I could leave the house whenever I wanted without being harassed via phone the entire time I'm away from the house.  I thought I was going pretty strong for a while there, until I realized that I was just overworking myself so I could ignore what was going on.  I'm currently on disability from the military (I'm still allowed to work, it's more of a "pension" type thing), but I was working two jobs until my body finally gave up.  The whole time I've been telling myself, this is no big deal! I'm just FINE!  And even though things will be fine in the long run, I feel that I need to take the time and process all of what is going on.  

 

Thank you so much for the support.  In the past ten years that I've been a member of this website, I've always been able to count on VB members to give me some pretty good advice.  smiley.gif

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#8 Old 04-03-2013, 07:21 AM
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How are you feeling now Angelene17? I hope you've taken some time to heal yourself. If your into reading books like this, one that is helping me right now is called "ME before WE" by Christine Arylo. I didn't realize how much healing I need to do from not only this most recent relationship, but relationships through out my life from friends, family, parents, and so on. Taking that time for you is so essential, not only for your own state of mind and heart, but for relationships that might come up in the future. As she says in the book, "All of my relationships start with ME."

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