Trouble with girlfriend's parents... - VeggieBoards
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#1 Old 12-02-2011, 11:04 PM
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I am in a relationship with this girl but I am having a hard time dealing with her parents. Originally she was not allowed to have a boyfriend, so we had to keep our relationship secret(we only saw each other at school), but they found out and got mad. Now they tolerate me I guess. But they really don't want us to be alone. When she begged them enough to let me come over, we played pool behind the house by ourselves for a few minutes, when they found she got in trouble and had her phone taken away. When I met her at the mall we had to stay in her dads range of sight. And when I was planning a birthday dinner for me and my friends, she could only come if there was strict adult supervision. They used to read through our Facebook conversations to see what we were saying, but now they seem to have stopped. She isn't allowed to go on dates so I can't take her to a movie or a walk in the park or anything together. She is also now allowed to come to my house. When she does something that her parents don't like they take her phone away so they can't talk to me.

I feel suffocated by how strict they are. I love her a lot but I can't seem to get as close to her as I want and do the fun and romantic things we want to do together. We see each other on the bus, at lunch and have one class together. We talk about our day, hug and kiss, but that's about it. I feel like our relationship can't go any where from there when I want it to go further(I'm not talking sexual here, that can be later)I feel like it's not enough, but there's nothing I can do. I don't feel like I could convince them to change their rules, and it's nothing against me in particular, they are close minded about all guys. I don't want to wait two years until she turns 18 just to be able to enjoy doing things that couples do.

Does anyone have any advice?
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#2 Old 12-03-2011, 03:12 AM
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Do you assume you are the only one she talks to on her phone? Why else would you say; "she gets her phone taken away so she can't talk to me"? She is simply being punished for breaking the rules to please you.

It sounds like you are the one with the suffocation issues. You have to share her attention with her friends and family, at 16 years old you don't get her all to yourself. They sound like good parents to me, respect their wishes and their home to earn their trust and then don't mess it up once you've gotten there. Be patient.
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#3 Old 12-03-2011, 03:41 AM
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May I ask how old you are?

I saw another thread you posted in

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I am real glad that my girlfriend is real respectful of me being vegan and even said she would be willing to try my cooking sometime.

And you mention above that you were planning a meal for her with your friends, and saying 'till she turns 18' as though you are already at or above that age. It sounds to me like you are older than her and THATS the problem her parents have.

Also I feel its terrible forum etiquette to join and within three posts ask for non veg*n related advice when this is, after all, a veg*n support forum.
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#4 Old 12-04-2011, 08:42 AM
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I had a similar problem with the dad of my first girlfriend being a pain in the arse, so I decided to have a chat with him in private about how I felt about her and I set out to prove myself to him that I wasn't a tool. I remember her Dad saying that he really respected me for taking the time to talk to him about it, and after that he backed off and everything was ok.

auto correct can kiss my ask
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#5 Old 12-04-2011, 09:11 AM
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After her parents get to know you, they may relax a little, but I'm sure it's frustrating. When I was 16, all I wanted to do was be alone with my bf. Fortunately, my parents weren't strict at all and they adored him (too).
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#6 Old 12-04-2011, 04:07 PM
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Just respect the parents rules.
When she's older she will have more freedom.
Unless they're being abusive you should stay out of it.
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#7 Old 12-04-2011, 04:40 PM
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considering that when they found out about you they also found out you were the reason their daughter lied i'm not surprised they don't trust you alone with their daughter. i suggest respecting their rules and trying to earn their trust. most importantly, don't let her break any rules when she's around you.
what sort of fun, romantic things do you want to do with her?
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#8 Old 12-04-2011, 05:00 PM
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Agree with the others. Respect the parents. It will get you much further.

Also, you may want to start using the word "like" in place of "love".

ETA: Oh, also also, wait the two years.
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#9 Old 12-04-2011, 09:27 PM
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Her parents are *******s. They may have the right to do what they do but they shouldn't. yet i can't give you an advice. i don't know them. the person who knows them is your girlfriend. she should have an idea how to get them to have her more liberty, by what promises she should make etc. if she doesn't she should see if there is help available for students with over strict parents. maybe a school councilor that deals with student's personal problems
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#10 Old 12-04-2011, 10:03 PM
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Her parents are *******s. They may have the right to do what they do but they shouldn't. yet i can't give you an advice. i don't know them. the person who knows them is your girlfriend. she should have an idea how to get them to have her more liberty, by what promises she should make etc. if she doesn't she should see if there is help available for students with over strict parents. maybe a school councilor that deals with student's personal problems

what reason do they have to give her more liberty with a guy she lied about and defied their no-dating rule with?
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#11 Old 12-04-2011, 10:06 PM
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having a no dating rule at 16 is already a bad choice. i know it is their choice but they are majorly sucking at it
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#12 Old 12-04-2011, 10:08 PM
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#13 Old 12-04-2011, 10:12 PM
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like i said. they have the right. but they aren't right. if that makes sense


i could go on and on about social develpment here. but i will just simply say that in such an extreme case she is more likely than anyone who got to date to either start develping unhealthy relationships with men or catch up on all the years she was forbidden to have a boyfriend in the first month of college. just saying
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#14 Old 12-04-2011, 10:21 PM
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#15 Old 12-04-2011, 10:25 PM
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yeah, i agree that we only know one side. but from what he says they don't even get to be on a date. this isn't really about sex, it is just important for a teenager to have some unsupervised time
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#16 Old 12-04-2011, 10:35 PM
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#17 Old 12-04-2011, 11:11 PM
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Originally Posted by zirpkatze View Post

what sort of fun, romantic things do you want to do with her?

He's a high school boy... let your imagination run wild, lol.
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#18 Old 12-04-2011, 11:28 PM
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He's a high school boy... let your imagination run wild, lol.

he's saying it's not about sexual stuff
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#19 Old 12-04-2011, 11:29 PM
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he's saying it's not about sexual stuff

That's what they all say.
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#20 Old 12-05-2011, 12:02 AM
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That's what they all say.

i'm trying really hard give him the benefit of the doubt but i'm having trouble thinking of g rated things that require privacy
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#21 Old 12-05-2011, 12:17 AM
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I don't think it's unreasonable, at 16, to want to have a chat with your boyfriend, or go somewhere together, without your parents. as for non sexual things that "require" privacy... he's already mentioned three, a meal with friends, playing pool and going to the mall (maybe it's not "required" but neither is it desireable at 16 to have your parents trailing you and your boyfriend around a mall!) It's good to be able to spend time alone with people you care about.

As for advice, at the end of the day they're her parents and however unreasonable they are it isn't your place to stick up for her to them - and I agree going against them will not favour you. I think what offthahook said about speaking to her dad sounds like a good idea, and also speaking to her about it and seeing how she feels things can change. However I think not going against their rules (ie: sneaking off to the mall) will also help - it just gives them the chance to say "ever since shes been seeing you she's been defying us" etc. As she gets older they will have to give her more freedom. If she's worth it, you can wait.
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#22 Old 12-05-2011, 06:22 AM
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That's what they all say.

It's true for some. It took my high school bf 3 weeks to work up the nerve to kiss me, and it was just a quick peck. He was very romantic, though.
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#23 Old 12-05-2011, 07:01 AM
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Originally Posted by Avery smith View Post

We [...] hug and kiss, but that's about it. I feel like our relationship can't go any where from there when I want it to go further(I'm not talking sexual here, that can be later)I feel like it's not enough, but there's nothing I can do.

Soooo... if you hug and kiss, and you want it to go further, but not sexually, what exactly do you mean? How would taking it further than hugging and kissing NOT be sexual? I'm confused.

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i'm trying really hard give him the benefit of the doubt but i'm having trouble thinking of g rated things that require privacy

Watching Disney movies.
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#24 Old 12-05-2011, 07:33 AM
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It's true for some. It took my high school bf 3 weeks to work up the nerve to kiss me, and it was just a quick peck. He was very romantic, though.

Don't confuse inexperience with romanticism.
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#25 Old 12-05-2011, 08:39 AM
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I think the rules they have imposed on you guys are unreasonable and counter-productive, but what you need to do now is charm the parents by playing along, let them see you being a nice, responsible and respectful boyfriend to their daughter, and then over time, they will chill-out and loosen the reigns a little. If you have the courage, talk to the Dad as Offthahook suggested. Try to develop a relationship with him because if he trusts and respects you, you will get more of your own way.

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Originally Posted by Ira View Post

having a no dating rule at 16 is already a bad choice. i know it is their choice but they are majorly sucking at it

Yep. Classic parenting mistake of treating sixteen year olds like children instead of young adults that deserve a bit of respect. By doing that, her parents basically set her up to start lying about having a BF because they were so unreasonable in the first place.

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Originally Posted by TailFin View Post


Also, you may want to start using the word "like" in place of "love".

I think that's a little bit condescending. It's not really for you to say what his feelings are towards her.

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#26 Old 12-05-2011, 08:55 AM
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I think that's a little bit condescending. It's not really for you to say what his feelings are towards her.

I respect your opinion.

However, IMO, from the amount of contact he said he has had with her over an undisclosed amount of time (and the fact that he wants it to go further but not in a sexual way, "that's for later"), I highly doubt it's true love. To me, he seems very impatient, which indicates immaturity. Also, the fact that he is still riding a school bus screams immaturity to me.

Not saying that her parents aren't strict. Not denying that he may have "deep" feelings for her. Just thinking it's a bit soon to call it "love" given the situation.
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#27 Old 12-05-2011, 09:00 AM
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Yep. Classic parenting mistake of treating sixteen year olds like children instead of young adults that deserve a bit of respect. By doing that, her parents basically set her up to start lying about having a BF because they were so unreasonable in the first place.

Very true. Being overprotective IMO does far more harm than good. Anecdotal, but I swear when I was growing up, the kids with overly restrictive parents seemed to be the ones to go way overboard when away from their parents grasp.

Honest to god one of my youngest son's friends was not allowed to ride (65 miles) with my wife, son and I to a city fireworks display. The kid was going to be a senior in HS and was already 18 and his parents did not trust us enough to let their kid come with us. Unbelievable.

Anywho, not that it will help the OP, but as a parent I always made it a point to get to know all my kid's friends, romantic or otherwise. Open door policy on having them at our house and always an open invitation to eat meals with us. Also as long as they were honest with us with who they were with, where they'd be and came home at an appropriate time we weren't too restrictive.
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#28 Old 12-05-2011, 09:08 AM
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Yep. Classic parenting mistake of treating sixteen year olds like children instead of young adults that deserve a bit of respect. By doing that, her parents basically set her up to start lying about having a BF because they were so unreasonable in the first place.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Forster View Post

Very true. Being overprotective IMO does far more harm than good. Anecdotal, but I swear when I was growing up, the kids with overly restrictive parents seemed to be the ones to go way overboard when away from their parents grasp.

Anywho, not that it will help the OP, but as a parent I always made it a point to get to know all my kid's friends, romantic or otherwise. Open door policy on having them at our house and always an open invitation to eat meals with us. Also as long as they were honest with us with who they were with, where they'd be and came home at an appropriate time we weren't too restrictive.

Completely agree.
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#29 Old 12-05-2011, 11:23 AM
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I respect your opinion.

However, IMO, from the amount of contact he said he has had with her over an undisclosed amount of time (and the fact that he wants it to go further but not in a sexual way, "that's for later"), I highly doubt it's true love. To me, he seems very impatient, which indicates immaturity. Also, the fact that he is still riding a school bus screams immaturity to me.

Not saying that her parents aren't strict. Not denying that he may have "deep" feelings for her. Just thinking it's a bit soon to call it "love" given the situation.

i think the idea of love is a bit different both for peple who are first excperiencing it and mature adults like us.

the bus isn't really an indicator to me. some areas make it hard to go to school without a car and not all teens get one from their parents

As for impatient, come on, lol! who wouldn't be. i may be one of a kind, but the idea that me and a guy i am crazy about won't have any one on one interactin for the next 2 years (even without sex) would make me incredibly impatient too. actually more impatient than him, because as an adult knowing all the idea of "love" i would just drop him and get myself a more convenient one (not that i am suggesting it to the op)
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#30 Old 12-05-2011, 11:36 AM
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i think the idea of love is a bit different both for peple who are first excperiencing it and mature adults like us.

the bus isn't really an indicator to me. some areas make it hard to go to school without a car and not all teens get one from their parents

As for impatient, come on, lol! who wouldn't be. i may be one of a kind, but the idea that me and a guy i am crazy about won't have any one on one interactin for the next 2 years (even without sex) would make me incredibly impatient too. actually more impatient than him, because as an adult knowing all the idea of "love" i would just drop him and get myself a more convenient one (not that i am suggesting it to the op)

Point taken with adult comment, but isn't a "first experience" an indicator of immaturity?

For the bus comment, it wasn't one of having a car versus not having a car. More of he's still in high school.

As for impatient: First, he apparently has one-on-one contact if he is hugging and kissing her, as well as talking on Facebook. Second, My wife and I were in a long distance relationship, and she had a much stricter parents than the OP's due to cultural differences (this being based on what he said, as I do not know the culture of the OP). Even though we're married, the culture still frowns upon public displays of affection. I realize I may be more patient than most, but I love my wife. Because of that, I respected (and still respect) her and her parents' cultures. It took time (on the magnitude of several years), but it happened. If he truly loves her, he would respect the family and realize that he should take it slow. These types of relationships cannot be rushed simply because he wants it to happen now. It takes time. My perspective is that he needs to learn to be patient.
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