The talk (The direction of a couple's relationship) - VeggieBoards
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#1 Old 06-10-2011, 09:33 AM
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When and how do you have the relationship talk? How do you even start it? The one where you are asking where this is going. I am not so good at having serious discussions and even worse at standing up for what I want. How do bring this up without sounding pushy or needy?

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#2 Old 06-10-2011, 10:28 AM
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I ask the person what they want and tell them what I want. We discuss and if they match up, we negotiate terms, see if it works out. Fine tune along the way.

I know that's probably not what you wanted to hear, "Just DO it", still, it's an honest answer.

I'm navigating this right now myself.

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#3 Old 06-10-2011, 10:36 AM
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What type of setting and mood do you do it in? I know not drunk or buzzed that much or out but the right timing. So complicated. Why can I not just say "Hey, when I get my own place again would you like it be be our place?' or " Are we just having fun or is going to be a life together?" ? I mean we have talked about moving away together if he gets a job out of state but that was in fun what if conversation.

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#4 Old 06-10-2011, 10:37 AM
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I've actually never had it, I just let things play out, but I've never been in a relationship where we didn't know where each other stood. Often if there is clear and good communication from the start, that topic isn't necessary.

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#5 Old 06-10-2011, 03:01 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by *AHIMSA* View Post

I ask the person what they want and tell them what I want. We discuss and if they match up, we negotiate terms, see if it works out. Fine tune along the way.

I know that's probably not what you wanted to hear, "Just DO it", still, it's an honest answer.

I'm navigating this right now myself.

True. Maybe at one point soon I will attempt it. Scary stuff.

"Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring."
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#6 Old 06-10-2011, 03:33 PM
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It's only as scary as you make it out to be, really, in my opinion. If you think your relationship has the firm base that won't be compromised by such a talk, you should be able to find a time to have it. If, on the other hand, you don't think your relationship is that strong, then that raises other issues: why do you believe that? Are you prepared to be walking on eggshells, careful to not mention anything "too pushy" for however long?

I usually have had a chat about how things were in the beginning of my (not very many at all) relationships. With my partner of 4 years, we tend to revisit these sort of questions from time to time. Sometimes, it's really easy to ask these questions and it seems that the conversation flows into them, and some other times you just need to ask them, even if they seem to not come to you easily. Having said that, you certainly pick a moment that looks more appropriate, i.e. not the first thing you say to him after you haven't seen each other in a week. ;p

Good luck!
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#7 Old 06-10-2011, 05:11 PM
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No time better for standing up for what you want, than when there is a fight.
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#8 Old 06-10-2011, 05:15 PM
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Well the fact that you two had a "'what if" conversation about moving in together shows that both of you have thought about the subject. I would probably just bring it up when the moment seems right and remind him of that conversation and ask him how serious he was about it. Or, you could ask him another "what if" question: what if you move somewhere else, would he want to live with you?

Anyway there are many different ways of going about it. That is how I usually approach things and it works for me. You'll need to decide how direct you want to be.

I agree with the others who say that having such a conversation should not be an issue if your relationship is going strong already.

It's not in what you say, it's in what you do (Oasis)

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#9 Old 06-10-2011, 05:48 PM
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Here is what I've always done: "Hey, can I ask you something? I just want to be up front and honest, and I'm sure you do too. So I'd like to know what you want out of this relationship (if you don't want to use the "r" word, ask what they want from you)."

You'll get your answer and then you'll get to tell them what you are expecting. It doesn't come off as needy or as another woman wanting to talk about the relationship. It's very simple and direct, which most men appreciate. You might also add something about not wanting to waste each others' time if your expectations or needs are out of synch.

"If you are lonely when you're alone, you are in bad company."
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#10 Old 06-10-2011, 06:40 PM
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The way I've always preferred and the way that's worked out best is when I just say what I want out of the relationship and then ask, "Is that similar to what you want?" That works regardless of whether you want something serious or something casual.
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#11 Old 06-10-2011, 08:26 PM
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I asked my boyfriend when we'd only been together a couple weeks, then again at probably around six months, and now we're pretty solidly agreed on that we want this to last as long as it can.

Some of the awkward was avoided in that I asked online, but I wouldn't recommend that. The only reason I did is that he lives about three hours from me, and if I was trying to work up to talking about it in person I'd lose time actually together, not to mention the main reason, which would be that I wasn't going to see him for another month or so.

We were pretty young (we still are, but then we were only 16 (me) and 18 (him)), so i asked him, the first time, if it was just a fun teenagery thing, or if he wanted it to last more than a couple months. We agreed that, so far, wanted to stay together.
After a couple months, I think he brought it up with me, but I might've asked him, and we discussed it more, and both agreed, as I said before, let's try to make this last. A while after that, it just became an assumption that we will, and we express the sentiment when we're talking about the future (ie, when I graduate from university, where each of us want to live when we have more money, etc, whether or or not we started the conversation meaning 'together')

So, seeing as you're worried about seeming needy, I'm going to say you want to stay in the relationship. Were I in your position, I'd ask him if it was a fun, temporary thing, or did he want it to be a (still fun) serious relationship.

But I'm young, so I don't mind if you disregard me, and I understand if you do
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#12 Old 06-10-2011, 08:49 PM
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Originally Posted by SuicideBlonde View Post

What type of setting and mood do you do it in? I know not drunk or buzzed that much or out but the right timing. So complicated. Why can I not just say "Hey, when I get my own place again would you like it be be our place?' or " Are we just having fun or is going to be a life together?" ? I mean we have talked about moving away together if he gets a job out of state but that was in fun what if conversation.

I think that's all you need to say right there.

These things can seem complicated, but that's just the fear talking. Everyone has that fear of rejection in them somewhere, love is a scary thing. But in the end he can only say yes or no and if you really feel like you know him and are close enough to be living together chances are he'll say yes. If you have really serious doubts about what he'll say that might be a sign you need to rethink the relationship and where it's going.

For me and the boyfriend living together happened naturally and almost immediately. Things clicked and we both knew we have a really good thing and are happier together. I was temporarily crashing with my parents in a different town when we first started dating, and I was commuting by train to work when he lived fairly close so it became natural for me to start sleeping over at his place (convenience AND sex! ) and it started happening more and more and then even after I got my own apartment I realized I was spending almost every night at his house and wasting a lot of rent money so I basically told him I'd just be moving in with him and he was thrilled. I knew he wanted me to anyway because he was always bummed out on the nights I wasn't there. It felt good so we did it.

All you can do is say what you want and trust that he wants the same thing, put it out there and see what happens

"If we could live happy and healthy lives without harming others... why wouldn't we?" - Edgars Mission
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#13 Old 06-11-2011, 05:40 AM
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My recommendation is that when you have the Talk, you have it in a walk-in freezer. That way, you can start the conversation with "holy ****.. it's pretty cold in here!" and the other person can go "yeah, I think so too". Thereby, you have already found common ground in the conversation, and can more easily move to discussing relationship issues.

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#14 Old 06-11-2011, 07:11 AM
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Originally Posted by Sevenseas View Post

My recommendation is that when you have the Talk, you have it in a walk-in freezer. That way, you can start the conversation with "holy ****.. it's pretty cold in here!" and the other person can go "yeah, I think so too". Thereby, you have already found common ground in the conversation, and can more easily move to discussing relationship issues.

That's actually good advice.

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#15 Old 06-11-2011, 07:12 AM
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All you can do is say what you want and trust that he wants the same thing, put it out there and see what happens

I think that trusting or expecting that he wants the same thing going into the conversation is not a good idea; it's a good way to set yourself up for hurt or disillusionment. Instead, being strong in your own sense of what you feel and want while remaining open to whatever he may say, whether it be in alignment with what you feel and want or the polar opposite, is the best way to approach this.

"Yes! Live! Life's a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death!" Auntie Mame
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#16 Old 06-11-2011, 01:12 PM
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Well our past has been rocky and I way over think everything is why the nervousness. Thank you all for the advice. Driving home last night I just kind of said something like " The reason I was looking for apartments so much is because I want out place. When we can afford it. What do you think". He agreed happily.

"Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring."
 Marilyn Monroe
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#17 Old 06-11-2011, 02:34 PM
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Glad to hear you worked it out.

My Man and I never officially had The Talk. It just became obvious pretty early on that we were moving in the same direction - together. I did tell him I was falling in love with him and couldn't seem to stop myself. Fortunately, he was falling in love with me, too.

Just last week we DID have the "hey, let's make babies!" talk, even though we've known we wanted kids together since the very beginning.
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#18 Old 06-11-2011, 03:31 PM
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Originally Posted by SuicideBlonde View Post

Well our past has been rocky and I way over think everything is why the nervousness. Thank you all for the advice. Driving home last night I just kind of said something like " The reason I was looking for apartments so much is because I want out place. When we can afford it. What do you think". He agreed happily.

Yay! That's awesome.

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#19 Old 06-11-2011, 05:35 PM
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Glad it worked out! I guess I was kind of thinking "if you're so nervous to approach this subject with him, then either you don't know him as well as you think, or you're not on the same page in the relationship".

I would also say "never be afraid to bring up what you need to bring up in a conversation".

Again, just glad it all worked out for you!
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