the kids/no kids debate - VeggieBoards
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#1 Old 02-22-2004, 05:48 PM
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what do you do when one person in a relationship wants kids and the other doesn't?

do you stick it out and see what happens, do you go seperate ways to let the other live their lives the way they want or is there some compromise or something.

you can't force one person to give birth but you can't force the other to live childless if it's not what they want.



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I'm singin' here to get rid of fear
Hope it disappears right here with the rain
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Meaningless to pray, so just goin' on my way
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#2 Old 02-22-2004, 06:01 PM
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There really isn't a compromise... either you have them or you don't. Someone has to give up what they want if the relationship goes on. The other option which isn't really something that can be decided ahead of time is that someone eventually changes their mind. I'm lucky in that we both knew right away that we don't want kids, and since we are making sure we grow together I know it will stay that way. If you're talking about yourself it sounds like you've got some big decisions to make. Good luck.
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#3 Old 02-22-2004, 06:11 PM
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Kids is something you can't compromise on. Someone who doesn't want kids shouldn't be forced to raise kids. Parenthood is full of frustrations. It's a major commitment. Would you want a parent who didn't 100% want you? I'm pretty sure that either party who was forced into a situation they didn't want they would be resentful. Nothing breaks down a relationship faster than resentful. I don't think either party should be compromise. Most people don't change their minds about this decision. I think it's better to end a relationship now and find with someone with similar goals.
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#4 Old 02-22-2004, 06:21 PM
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At my age, I think I'd stick it out a while and see what happens since I don't expect too many males in their early 20's to be focusing on families. If I was older though, it would probably be a clincher. I want kids. I don't know that I'd compromise on that.

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#5 Old 02-22-2004, 06:30 PM
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i dont know if i'm just going through a phase or what, but i strongly feel that no one should ever have kids. ever.
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#6 Old 02-22-2004, 06:46 PM
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Your name is so long that it throws off the "line".
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#7 Old 02-22-2004, 06:48 PM
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well i feel like if i did have kids i'd adopt cause there are too many without families for me to go making more of them. he definately wants biological kids.

it's not as easy as just splitting up, we've been together 7 years. we can't afford to support kids right now anyways and he agrees so i keep saying maybe later on i'll want kids, i don't know, but he brings it up now and then

I'm singin' here to get rid of fear
Hope it disappears right here with the rain
But I know life is pain, not like a fairytale
Meaningless to pray, so just goin' on my way
~Miyavi "Torture"
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#8 Old 02-22-2004, 07:05 PM
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I think that you can compromise. I don't think it is impossible.



After the birth of our 3rd child, my husband was ready to have a vasectomy and I asked him not to.

5 years later, I told him that I wanted another baby and although it wasn't what he wanted, he saw how much I wanted it and agreed. Of course his feelings about not wanting another child weren't very strong and he knew that I would be doing most of the rearing (not to mention having the child).



Yet, he surprised me (and himself) by being quite involved in the pregnancy and then totally flipped over our baby when she was born. To this day, he won't admit to having a favorite, but...



I just don't think the issue is black and white, unless both people are adamant in their stance.
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#9 Old 02-22-2004, 07:33 PM
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That's where my husband and I are. He wants kids eventually and mentions it every now and then. I adamantly do NOT want kids. Ever. I told him that that is how I feel now, and I had no way of knowing how I'd feel later. He might be getting antsy because he just turned 34.



I feel that if one spouse/partner does not want kids and one does, then you shouldn't have them and force it. Of course, the gender of the one who wants and the one who does not could affect the situation. It's my f^&*ing uterus. If I don't want to have a kid, it ain't happening.



ETA: And even if I did want to procreate, I'd end up doing all of the work, anyway. F- that.
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#10 Old 02-23-2004, 01:56 AM
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LadyFaile, I think it all depends on what age you are. Even if you think you're sure about not having children, if you're still only in your 20's there is a big possibility you will change your mind, as the majority of women do.



My advice to you is don't compromise and have a child right now, and don't leave your partner either, just wait it out. But be fair to him, and make it absolutely clear that you don't wont children, and then let him make the decision about whether he wants to leave you or not. That way, if you reach your 30's and you still don't want any kids, he can't blame you for any time thats wasted because he knew the score from the beginning.

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#11 Old 02-23-2004, 05:01 AM
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#12 Old 02-23-2004, 06:49 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kpickell View Post

I believe the husband should have the final say.



Psh.
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#13 Old 02-23-2004, 06:55 AM
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If one wants children, and the other doesn't, you're in for problems.



That, or the other one will have to make big compromises.



I don't think a relation will go well if only one of the two wanted the kids.
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#14 Old 02-23-2004, 07:43 AM
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Yes, you shouldn't have kids with someone who doesn't or only kinda sorta wants them. I had my daughter with a 'kinda sorta' guy and now that we're divorced, he's not interested in being anything more than a 'phone dad.' He just did NOT want fatherhood. It's a lot of work, and since there are so many unwanted children out there, I really think a lot of people should really THINK over their decision to have or not to have. I wouldn't have changed my mind. I LOVE being a parent.



But I do think if one does and one doesn't want children, you really SHOULD go your seperate ways. Of course if I had done that, I wouldn't have Madison...and I certainly wouldn't trade Madison.



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#15 Old 02-23-2004, 08:00 AM
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Just a thought. Maybe the person who wants kids could do volunteer work with kids. I know it's not the same as being a biological parent but you get to spend time with the kids in nedd and then you get to go home and be kid-free.
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#16 Old 02-23-2004, 09:28 AM
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Mushroom, I can see compromising on the number of kids, but not on having some vs. having none.



Pixelle is probably right that many or most women change their minds and decide to have kids in their late twenties or thirties. I didn't, though. I had one brief moment around age 25 when it hit me that if I were going to change my mind, it would have to be soonish! But I didn't, and no regrets.
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#17 Old 02-23-2004, 09:46 AM
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No kids for me thanks. I have never liked them, so couple that with my intense medical procedures phobia and life plans that have no place for them and you've got someone who will be sans children, and very happy about it. As we say in my home, "cats not kids!"
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#18 Old 02-23-2004, 11:29 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LadyFaile View Post

well i feel like if i did have kids i'd adopt cause there are too many without families for me to go making more of them. he definately wants biological kids.

it's not as easy as just splitting up, we've been together 7 years. we can't afford to support kids right now anyways and he agrees so i keep saying maybe later on i'll want kids, i don't know, but he brings it up now and then



You don't seem adamantly anti-child. More or less it seems that you don't agree how you would bring them into your home be it adoption or the biological route? Maybe I'm off the wall here? I think you have some room to bend here and keep your relationship intact.



If you were crossing your arms "there's no way I'm having children" no matter what the circumstance... that's another story. Bottom line,there is no compromise. Then I would say you need to re evaluate your relationship.
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#19 Old 02-23-2004, 12:08 PM
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About forcing children on the spouse....



My bf told his ex that he did not want children - ever. She said oh that's fine. Oh, that's ok. I don't mind. They were married. Things were not going well - and this is in the first month. Then, she says she's pregnant. He was floored - he was about to leave her at this point. He asks "how?" - she answers "oh, I missed a few days of my pill. Oops!" Yeah, right. Some oops. She did it again a year later - only this time she had stopped taking her bc pills for months and lied to him.



Now, he's the father of two children that he was never prepared for, never wanted, and has to work very hard not to feel resentful having given up so much of his life to two creatures that were tricked out of him. It does not take away that he loves his boys and would do anything for them (the fact that he's giving up so much of his life instead of giving them 100% to their mother - who later admitted that she wanted many children and thought she could "talk him into having some" - shows that he's willing to make due w/ what he's been given).



Morale of story - forcing people who are not ready to have children is a bad, very bad idea.



As for changing minds - yes, a lot of women DO change their minds in their late 20s to mid-30s. That's why many doctors will not perform no-child surgeries on men and women who have never had kids and are still young. It's because they've seen too many people change their minds. It doesn't take away from how you feel right now - right now, you don't want kids. But, for whatever reason, many people change their minds later.
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#20 Old 02-24-2004, 02:57 AM
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"Mushroom, I can see compromising on the number of kids, but not on having some vs. having none."



Really? I don't see a difference. Either way, it is creating a new life and a huge responsibility.



However, I don't think it is a terrible thing to be adored by only one parent, so long as the other parent is responsible and kind. I do think it is a terrible thing to want a child and not be able to have one.



Men have the advantage of time. Men can wait 20 years for one woman to change her mind, and if she doesn't, he can leave and have children with someone else.



And if men know they never want children they should either not have sex or get a vasectomy imo, because no bc is perfect.
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#21 Old 02-24-2004, 09:54 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mushroom View Post

"Mushroom, I can see compromising on the number of kids, but not on having some vs. having none."



Really? I don't see a difference. Either way, it is creating a new life and a huge responsibility.



There is a massive lifestyle change between going from no kids to one kid. The lifestyle difference between 1 to 2, or 1 to 3 is much less.



Quote:

However, I don't think it is a terrible thing to be adored by only one parent, so long as the other parent is responsible and kind. I do think it is a terrible thing to want a child and not be able to have one.



Gee, hope that one parent who actually wanted the kid never dies in an accident, etc.

It is a terrible thing to want a child and not be able to have one. That is why people should select their spouses carefully.
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#22 Old 02-24-2004, 10:31 AM
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not that I'm a big Cosmo freak, but they answered this question from a reader in this issue.. figured I'd share.



"My boyfriend and I are very much in love. I'm crazy about children and hope to marry someday, but my guy insists he can't stand kids and doesn't know if he even wants to get married. We're only 22, so part of me feels like he'll change his mind when he matures. Should I stick it out or move on to someone who shares my dreams?"





"At the very young age of 22, most men and women have no clue what they want in life. But you seem to be one hundred percent sure you want a child someday, and chances are, as your biological clock starts creeping toward 30 and then 40, your maternal longings will only increase. A guy like your boyfriend, however, who's only a few years out of childhood himself, can't know for sure what he wants down the road. It's very likely that as he gets older and takes on more responsibility in life, he'll change his mind and decide that, yes, he really does want a wife and kids after all. But unfortunately, when it comes to a permanent comitment, "very likely" is just not good enough. Are you willing to gamble on a guy who might never want kids? On the other hand, you are young too, with a long future ahead of you - there's no rush to settle down with a husband and kids right away. So if you're happy with this man, I say go ahead and gamble a while longer. And in the meantime, subtly work on changing his attitude. Take him to family gatherings where he can spend some time with kids and maybe get more comfortable with them. However, if over the next year, you start feeling antsy and your boyfriend shows no signs of changing his mind, you might need to end the relationship. That way, you'll have plenty of time to meet a man who does share your dream."



-Cosmo



... yeah, so, might not apply to all relationships, married ones especially, but I think.. If one partner really wants kids, and the other really doesn't... it won't work out. Because, let's face it.. if you really want a child, and can't have one, not because you aren't able, but because your partner doesn't want one, you'll be resentful later on. And if you're forced into having a child when you don't want one, you'll also resent that, even though you'll probably love your kids.



Also.. to me.. the kids should be thought of. I would rather have two parents who love me, than one who tolerates me and one who adores me. There's also going to be less family stress if both parents are enthusiastic, willing, loving parents who wanted the child. That's not everyone's view but.. it's mine. As a kid, both parents visibly loved me. Now that I'm older, my dad doesn't really seem to care, and it sucks. If I had dealt with that growing up, instead of in my later teens... yuck
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#23 Old 02-24-2004, 10:32 AM
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My favourite quote on this subject is that "it takes two yes'es or one no."



kristadb, that story is sooo scary.
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#24 Old 02-24-2004, 12:20 PM
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Tame wrote "Gee, hope that one parent who actually wanted the kid never dies in an accident, etc."



It's no different than a single person making the decision to either adopt or have their own child. (Probably better because the child would still have a parent, their home, etc.)



My point was that there are degrees of wanting and not wanting a child. I don't think it has to be an automatic deal breaker. I think each situation is unique.



A woman is very vulnerable to time. If she knows that she wants children, she would be foolish to choose a man who absolutely does not. A man can afford to wait and see.
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#25 Old 02-24-2004, 12:51 PM
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wow. cosmo is evil. i'm so glad i don't read girly magazines.



i don't believe in trying to change someone. i think if 2 people agree that they don't want children and one changes their mind, it's their own problem and they are the ones who have to compromise or leave. i know i don't want kids ever.. and it's not that i don' tlike them. i deal with kids everyday at work, but i just know i don't want them. i try to make that clear at the start of every relationship. i just can't stand it when people tell me i'm going to change my mind when i hit 30. where does this "most women change their minds" crap come from? i guess the same peope that think that a woman's body should be her husband's posession because poor us, we just can't make decisions.
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#26 Old 02-24-2004, 01:22 PM
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My husband and I both decided that we didn't want children. He had the snip job done a few years back, and we haven't regretted that even for a second. He said that although he never wanted kids, he thought for sure he would have them, because he doubted he could find a woman that didn't want them. I, on the otherhand, would never let someone else force such a huge decision on me.



It's like the decision to have sex for the first time. One partner wants to do it, the other is not sure/doesn't want to. If the first partner has a problem with that, they can a) not have sex b) find someone else to have sex with. And so it is with children. You can a) not have children or b) find someone else to have children with.
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#27 Old 02-24-2004, 01:24 PM
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Meatless, we both don't want kids!! I'm hearing Twilight Zone music again!!!
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#28 Old 02-24-2004, 01:28 PM
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where does this "most women change their minds" crap come from?



It comes from the many women who DO change their minds. People are so used to women changing their minds about children as they age that they often do not believe the "i don't want children" protests of a 20-something woman.
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#29 Old 02-24-2004, 01:37 PM
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Tame wrote "Gee, hope that one parent who actually wanted the kid never dies in an accident, etc."



It's no different than a single person making the decision to either adopt or have their own child. (Probably better because the child would still have a parent, their home, etc.)



A parent who possibly doesn't want them very much...

And yes, you just gave the argument about why single parenting is a risky proposition.



Quote:

My point was that there are degrees of wanting and not wanting a child. I don't think it has to be an automatic deal breaker. I think each situation is unique.



It's a deal breaker if one partner thinks it is.



Quote:

A woman is very vulnerable to time. If she knows that she wants children, she would be foolish to choose a man who absolutely does not. A man can afford to wait and see.



And? I'm pretty certain we would all agree on that.
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#30 Old 02-24-2004, 01:47 PM
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I haven't got kids. I sometimes regret it now I'm pushing 50 and I think it would be fun to have a house full of teenagers. But I borrow other people's kids.

I never felt very confident about babies, and I suspected I'd be a lousy mum.



One of my girlfriends had her baby at age 37. I was amazed, she'd been really against having kids with her first husband, it was one of the reasons they split up. Now she's a fantastic mum and he's a gorgeous kid. Her husband is twenty years older than her and has grown up kids by his first wife.



Maybe you could have one birth baby and one adopted baby?
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