Scaring people off with my dietary choices... - VeggieBoards
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#1 Old 03-16-2011, 10:34 AM
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My long-term bf and I just broke up like a month ago and I decided to start looking again. I met someone online and we chatted online for like a week and a half and then talked on the phone once. He is far from vegan but that doesn't bother me. I feel it's not realistic to look ONLY for vegans because there's so much more that is more important to me (like someone who is good to me and my kids and "gets" me). A couple of days ago I told him about my being vegan...he said he was cool with that. And then....I don't know, I think there was some miscommunication. I think he thought he'd offended the vegan in me by something he said (he didn't). He sent me a little farewell note saying he knows I'll find a good, vegan man, blah, blah, blah and he didn't want to be "settled for".

Gah!

Ok so I highly doubt this guy was "the one". But how the hell do I keep this from happening with every guy I meet? I live in ohio, and there are few vegetarians around this area (pig and cow farms as far as the eye can see). So it's not something people are really even all that familiar with, let alone *comfortable* with.
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#2 Old 03-16-2011, 10:43 AM
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Seriously? I think people who can't respect your dietary choices enough not to be bothered by it in loving you are not "the ones" anyway. Simple as that. Is it hard to find someone like that? Yes. Would you truly want to settle for anything less? I don't think so.

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#3 Old 03-16-2011, 10:55 AM
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He didn't disrespect my choices. He OVERrespected them and imagined that he'd offended me. That's a totally different situation. I understand when people don't really know what to say or have lots of questions....I EXPECT that. I would just like to try and avoid the awkwardness. I'm not going to write someone off just because being told I'm vegan threw them for a loop at first. That would eliminate like 95% of guys. I'm just wondering how to deal with it better.

He seemed like a genuinely nice guy and he had a daughter the same age as mine. We had other things in common too. Bleh.
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#4 Old 03-16-2011, 11:45 AM
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Simple, from the outset just state, "I am vegan, but it's OK IF YOU'RE NOT".
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#5 Old 03-16-2011, 11:49 AM
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i would reply to the guy and say that he is mistaken and you are not offended. basically give him your views and your expectations
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#6 Old 03-16-2011, 11:58 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ira View Post

i would reply to the guy and say that he is mistaken and you are not offended. basically give him your views and your expectations


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#7 Old 03-16-2011, 12:38 PM
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Some people make up random excuses when they aren't interested.
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#8 Old 03-16-2011, 12:56 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Marie View Post

Some people make up random excuses when they aren't interested.

This.

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#9 Old 03-16-2011, 12:58 PM
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Hm, that's different then. Sorry I didn't get it at first.

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i would reply to the guy and say that he is mistaken and you are not offended. basically give him your views and your expectations

This is what I'd do as well. Perhaps he felt under pressure because he thought you'd expect him to change. Have a talk! (And if it really is just an excuse, as Marie said, you'll notice.)

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#10 Old 03-17-2011, 09:15 AM
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You could probably guess the questions in someone's mind from you being vegan. If your friend wasn't concerned himself, his buddies might have talked him into seeing you as a walking red flag: that you'd try to convert him, that you'd never order off the menu, that your daughter and his daughter would never be eating the same thing in the same house, that you'd hate his friends who hunt, that you've actually got an eating disorder, that you would hate his relatives, that you'd embarrass him at his company's barbecue, that your vegan friends would hate him. And of course none of that is your essential being, which he would know if he were getting to know you gradually and in person with no pressure to pair off. But online, your being vegan probably seems like a much bigger deal since there's not enough actual knowledge to balance it against.
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#11 Old 03-17-2011, 09:29 AM
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I think that when you're dating, before you meet someone that you're really compatible with, it can be really easy to fret about what might go wrong. But here's the thing: when it's right, it's right. And almost nothing will mess it up so badly that it can't be fixed. But when it's wrong, it's wrong. And almost anything will mess it up.
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#12 Old 03-17-2011, 05:53 PM
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It sounds like he is insecure. He can't handle dating you because he's worried that he's not good enough. When you find a guy who has real confidence in himself, you won't need to worry about him acting like that guy just did.

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#13 Old 03-17-2011, 09:25 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Marie View Post

Some people make up random excuses when they aren't interested.

Truth. He could have gotten cold feet for any number of reasons and used diet as an excuse, it's hard to say.

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Originally Posted by ElaineV View Post

I think that when you're dating, before you meet someone that you're really compatible with, it can be really easy to fret about what might go wrong. But here's the thing: when it's right, it's right. And almost nothing will mess it up so badly that it can't be fixed. But when it's wrong, it's wrong. And almost anything will mess it up.



If he got scared off that easily he wasn't a great catch anyway. Keep looking! There are plenty of guys out there, both vegan and omni, who are stable and supportive and looking for some long term lovin'

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#14 Old 03-19-2011, 08:50 AM
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I think that in online dating, nobody has access to the things about you that are truly amazing, the things that really drew in the last guy who fell in love with you. Words and pics on screen can tell you a lot, but they can't get at the real stuff. So when someone online acts like they think you're amazing, they're really just signaling how badly they want to be with somebody. Relationships that begin online are so disposable, people bail far earlier than they normally would, and for trivial reasons. It's not like you're best moves didn't work, you never got that far. So often they are done before they start. An online breakup should never mess you up as bad or for as long as a real-world breakup might. You don't sound messed up about this, but it's possible to be, it's just unnecessary. Despite the red flags, I think it's smart to put being vegan upfront, it scares off the guys it should be scaring off, and clears the deck for the real possibilities.
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