My Sister Hates Me - Actually - VeggieBoards
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#1 Old 07-05-2010, 04:58 PM
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Hi, so I really badly need some advice and to vent!



The main issue right now is my older sister. A few years ago she stopped talking to me for no apparent reason. We'd have family events etc and she would completely ignore me or make upsetting comments when I said anything. She would hold family get togethers and 'forget' to invite me, make comments to upset me until I left events etc. Anyhow, she moved overseas and everything stayed the same but when she got back she acted as if everything was fine and we were best friends. I didn't want to rock the boat and so I didn't really talk to her about it but I was just so greatful to have my sister back.



Now, a year later she's doing the same thing again. I email, text, call, facebook email, facebook message EVERYTHING and get no response. I spoke to my Dad about it and he said she's upset because she asked to have his car and then he gave it to me. She talked to me after this happened but now she wont at all.



I am really tempted to call her and ask her to take the car even though we need it. She has it in her head that my parents give me everything and spend all this money on me which is untrue. I'm a Uni student and have no money so I had to borrow some cash off my Mother to get my wisdom teeth out because I was in tears everyday from the pain (I am paying back the money). When my sister was at uni my Dad brought an apartment nearby for her to live in and she didn't pay rent or bills or anything! I have paid my entire way through uni on my own.



I really love my sister, she is a very difficult person but I really miss her. She cut my mother out of her life (parents are separated amicably)about 5 years ago for no reason and she's done it with other family members. She's also started hanging out with my ex-best friend (no fights we just grew apart and it really hurt me). My parents think she is jealous but she has no reason to be!! She's smarter, prettier, has a lovely boyfriend, have their own house and dog, awesome career etc. She makes fun of me all the time about being veggie and she tells peoPle it's because I have eating issues (never have, never will - i love food!) and it's my mums fault because she;s anorexic (again not true).



I have considered cutting her out of my life but I don't want to. In losing my sister I loose my whole family except my parents because she always turns people against me. My younger sister is overseas but is now ignoring me too and sent emails saying things like 'I hope your paying back the money you owe mum....I can't believe you'd take money off her' blah blah. Talking to my sister about this is NOT an option. She does not react well to confrontation and when we used to have these issues she'd just say 'You're just be really dramatic' or she'd upset me at family things and then say 'today isn't actually about you so get over it' etc. I'm scared it'll make the situation worse. I did email and ask if everything was ok and if we could talk and she ignored me.



My partner and I are planning on getting engaged this year and now i'm considering asking him not to because i'm scared she'll never forgive me if we get engaged before her. Also i'm worried at our wedding she'll upset me or my mum and now we have to have a cocktail reception so I can keep the peace between them.



Can I solve this?? Is there even any point?



I just don't understand why she hates me. My sister is a really loyal person most of the time and one of those very outgoing, center of attention people. She is so much fun and I really badly miss her.



Sorry this post was so long.....
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#2 Old 07-05-2010, 05:40 PM
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Whew, sounds like your sister could use a good dose of therapy. It's not really any of her business what your relationship (financial or otherwise) is with your parents.



I don't know how to advise you, but send internet hugs and hopes of good luck to you!

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#3 Old 07-05-2010, 06:43 PM
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I have a sister like this. She has all sorts of (untrue) ideas about things which are none of her business, and when I do try to engage her, it inevitably leads to drama about something I did 15 years ago that she is still mad about but never told me, or something equally ridiculous. I finally had to accept that she is just a drama person, and it's not about me (even if she says it is). A drama person will always try to create drama in their life because that is just their thing. I have made it clear to her that I consider my relationships with others in the family to be my business and will neither discuss nor explain them to her, and when I do find myself around her, I just lay low, stay polite and keep my mouth shut.



The two key things to understand about a drama person are that it's not about you (really it's not!) and that there really isn't anything you can say or do to convince or explain or persuade about whatever the issue is (because it's not really about that issue anyway). Yes, understanding this means the relationship is probably never going to be what you might want it to be, but it wouldn't anyway because she is a drama person and there is sometimes no way to respond to such a person meaningfully on a sane, rational level---if it wasn't the money or the car, it would be something else, trust me.



And in case you're curious---her alleged 'issue' with me is that she (incorrectly) thinks my older sister and I (who are full siblings; she is a half-sister) have some sort of conspiracy against our father, and she also has a limited understanding of the line between things which are Her Business and things which are Not Her Business. And she gets angry with me when she wants to argue about something with me and I refuse to engage her in it I have a very low drama threshold and my level of patience for her Stuff is very low
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#4 Old 07-05-2010, 06:45 PM
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it sounds to me like she is acting this way with you because she knows she can get away with it. I understand you don't want to lose your sister, but look you are actually considering putting off an engagement to keep HER from getting mad!



You can not bow down to her in the hopes that one day she will turn around. If she is having problems with you and it's one sided, its up to her to fix it because there's clearly nothing you can do to please her. Don't cut her out if you don't want to, but the worst mistake you can make is putting off your engagement. In all honesty, if my significant other wanted to hold off an engagement to keep a sibling from getting mad, I'd actually be a little peeved! Is it really right to do this to your bf?



I sincerely hope this all gets resolved because i can see you wish your relationship with your sister got mended.



Have you tried to telling her straight to her face, "what's up? Why are you acting this way? Tell me what's really bothering you?" I think a lot of times in families people are just mad and they don't address the person to the face for sake of keeping the peace. Drop by her house one day and say "we need to talk", or send a card in the mail saying directly what the problem is and that you want her to tell you why she is upset with you. You never know ther emight be a really big issue you don't know about and it could be a big misunderstanding! If she doesn't reply when you are upfront and honest in your intentions, then I don't think there is anything you can do other than wait for her to come around



best of luck, vent any time you need to
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#5 Old 07-05-2010, 06:57 PM
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You said yourself she is a center of attention type of person and there’s nothing more you can do than accept her and her drama because there is nothing you can do to change it. While relenting and giving her the car or putting off your engagement will make her happy in the short term she will always find something to get angry over. Put yourself first – make yourself happy.
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#6 Old 07-05-2010, 07:12 PM
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I was literally thinking while reading this, "wait, did I post this?" My sister is exactly like this. I have no clue why, she's been this way since I can remember. My parents say she has "middle child syndrome" but she's 28 years old. Get over it! What frustrates me so much is that my whole family says it's my problem because I have now basically cut her out of my life, so they think I'm the immature one. They make so many excuses for her behavior. She's stressed at work, she's stressed about money, she feels out of place....



I avoid my sister all together now because I care about her way too much and keep getting hurt. It's easier to just ignore her. Even with all her crap, she has asked my to be a bridesmaid for her wedding in September. I accepted of course, but I'm honestly dreading even attending the event. I'm not getting married anytime soon, but I've already started thinking about how to not invite her without upsetting my whole family. I suppose I'll probably have too....but just looking at her puts me in a bad mood.



I'm sorry I don't have any better advice than to just ignore her.
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#7 Old 07-06-2010, 08:25 AM
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Well it sounds like you have a lot of unanswered questions that only your sister can answer. I don't see how it could hurt for you to ask her what is going on and see what she says. Of course she might pretend everything is fine (that's passive-aggressiveness for you...) but at least you'll know that you tried.

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#8 Old 07-06-2010, 12:55 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MsBunny' date='05 July 2010 - 03:58 PM' timestamp='1278370710' post='2669363 View Post


Hi, so I really badly need some advice and to vent!



The main issue right now is my older sister. A few years ago she stopped talking to me for no apparent reason. We'd have family events etc and she would completely ignore me or make upsetting comments when I said anything. She would hold family get togethers and 'forget' to invite me, make comments to upset me until I left events etc. Anyhow, she moved overseas and everything stayed the same but when she got back she acted as if everything was fine and we were best friends. I didn't want to rock the boat and so I didn't really talk to her about it but I was just so greatful to have my sister back.



Now, a year later she's doing the same thing again. I email, text, call, facebook email, facebook message EVERYTHING and get no response. I spoke to my Dad about it and he said she's upset because she asked to have his car and then he gave it to me. She talked to me after this happened but now she wont at all.



I am really tempted to call her and ask her to take the car even though we need it. She has it in her head that my parents give me everything and spend all this money on me which is untrue. I'm a Uni student and have no money so I had to borrow some cash off my Mother to get my wisdom teeth out because I was in tears everyday from the pain (I am paying back the money). When my sister was at uni my Dad brought an apartment nearby for her to live in and she didn't pay rent or bills or anything! I have paid my entire way through uni on my own.



I really love my sister, she is a very difficult person but I really miss her. She cut my mother out of her life (parents are separated amicably)about 5 years ago for no reason and she's done it with other family members. She's also started hanging out with my ex-best friend (no fights we just grew apart and it really hurt me). My parents think she is jealous but she has no reason to be!! She's smarter, prettier, has a lovely boyfriend, have their own house and dog, awesome career etc. She makes fun of me all the time about being veggie and she tells peoPle it's because I have eating issues (never have, never will - i love food!) and it's my mums fault because she;s anorexic (again not true).



I have considered cutting her out of my life but I don't want to. In losing my sister I loose my whole family except my parents because she always turns people against me. My younger sister is overseas but is now ignoring me too and sent emails saying things like 'I hope your paying back the money you owe mum....I can't believe you'd take money off her' blah blah. Talking to my sister about this is NOT an option. She does not react well to confrontation and when we used to have these issues she'd just say 'You're just be really dramatic' or she'd upset me at family things and then say 'today isn't actually about you so get over it' etc. I'm scared it'll make the situation worse. I did email and ask if everything was ok and if we could talk and she ignored me.



My partner and I are planning on getting engaged this year and now i'm considering asking him not to because i'm scared she'll never forgive me if we get engaged before her. Also i'm worried at our wedding she'll upset me or my mum and now we have to have a cocktail reception so I can keep the peace between them.



Can I solve this?? Is there even any point?



I just don't understand why she hates me. My sister is a really loyal person most of the time and one of those very outgoing, center of attention people. She is so much fun and I really badly miss her.



Sorry this post was so long.....

It sounds like your parents, at least, know what your sister is like, and perhaps your younger sister is young enough not to know what's happening (not sure about age gap there). When she starts this up again, pull her off to one side and give it to her straight. SHE needs to see what damage she is doing to you and the rest of your family. Start video recording if you have to (there are places that rent out spy cameras, a cell phone camera, a point and shoot, etc)then play it back for her. Ask her if she'd like to be on the recieving end of this, since you are going to email the video to all family members. If you do get married, perhaps make it a "destination wedding" and leave her out. When she gets all huffy, just say, "You never really acted like you cared about me or my fiancee, so we didn't think you'd want to be in the wedding, or join us on our happy day." I hope this helps out. Sorry you are going through all this.

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#9 Old 07-06-2010, 01:16 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MsBunny' date='05 July 2010 - 03:58 PM' timestamp='1278370710' post='2669363 View Post

She cut my mother out of her life (parents are separated amicably)about 5 years ago for no reason and she's done it with other family members.



This is what she does, and she's going to continue to do it to you. Don't be surprised when you trash the rest of your life (like, messing up your relationship with your partner) to get her back into it, and then she dumps you again.



Quote:
My partner and I are planning on getting engaged this year and now i'm considering asking him not to because i'm scared she'll never forgive me if we get engaged before her.



If I were your fiance this would set up a huge red flag to me about how difficult life with you might be, as you're catering to things like this from your family. This would be choosing to cater to your sister's immaturity over your relationship with your partner.



Quote:
My sister is a really loyal person most of the time



She's not loyal. She cuts people out of her life "for no reason."



I would not put up with this crap no matter how much fun she is. I can find better friends.

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#10 Old 07-06-2010, 01:34 PM
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I'm totally with Irizary.



Love and appreciate the people who love YOU. Don't waste your time with people who don't. Life is too short
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#11 Old 07-06-2010, 04:19 PM
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learn to ignore her silliness. don't pander to it. don't pay attention to it. for heavens sakes don't give her the damned car cos she threw a pouty sulky fit! just carry on as if things were completely normal. if she wants to behave like a crazy person, thats really upto her, and nothing to do with you. don't let it wreck your life- she's gonna do what she's gonna do, regardless of whether you're happy or sad, so you might as well decide to be happy regardless of what she does, and let her get on with behaving how she's decided to.



this is YOUR life. you have whatever bloody wedding YOU want to have, when YOU want it. if she throws a fit, thats not because of you. its becuase she's decided to act like a small child and try and control other people. if you think she's gonna throw a wobbly at the reception, designate a very calm, no nonsense friend (or even hire a nice plain-clothed security dude ) to be a sort of 'de-escalator' who can very quietly and calmly wander over to your sister, and tell her that if she can't behave appropriately, she's gonna be esorted outside to calm down, and not allowed back in until she can. just like you would do with a small child. after all- thats how she's behaving.
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#12 Old 07-07-2010, 07:57 PM
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I have the same problem with my older sister. She thinks my family gives me more and gets mad at me and takes htings way too far!! I just wanna have my sister but I dont know how to make her realize that.

I think they need to love themselves more before they could love anyone else or treat anyone right..
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#13 Old 07-11-2010, 01:09 AM
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I think confronting her would be the best thing that's ever happened to her. People who get their way all the time find it pretty darn shocking when someone stands up to them. But, after they do - and they get huffy, then get over it - there is a lot more respect there.



I have a best friend who is exactly like your sister. I never give up on her - I just call her out when she's behaving badly. She gets mad, pouts, acts uncomfortable for a days - and then she's the great best friend I know her to be (for a few months, lol)



I also agree with Jen. Live your life for you.



Good luck, whatever you choose.
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#14 Old 07-11-2010, 02:39 AM
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I think in a lot of cases the emotional attachment people have to family members is tragically misplaced. Personally, I might try to explain to other members of the family, but I would not interact with her anymore. Ever. And if they would rather believe what she says (although if your parents are on your side, as it were, surely clearing up the money thing with your younger sister would be as simple as telling her to ask your mother) then I wouldn't interact with them anymore either. You don't owe people anything for having the... fortune... to be related to them. If they want to make friendship difficult, don't do it; there are plenty of people who qualify by virtue rather than relation out there.
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#15 Old 07-11-2010, 03:34 AM
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Agreed. The simple happenstance of sharing a certain amount of DNA with someone doesn't somehow make you owe them anything.

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#16 Old 07-11-2010, 12:56 PM
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Originally Posted by Kiz' date='11 July 2010 - 05:34 AM' timestamp='1278840882' post='2672057 View Post


Agreed. The simple happenstance of sharing a certain amount of DNA with someone doesn't somehow make you owe them anything.



THIS.

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#17 Old 04-11-2014, 05:09 PM
 
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Sounds like she is spiteful like my sister & it would be ideal if you made it impossible for her to contact you.  I learned the hard way, could not imagine why my sister hated me so.  I later realized she was jealous of me, & even later came acrossed a word that fit her to a T: she was spiteful towards me. 

 

I was taught to be kind to my sister & literally was, not sure how my sister missed out on that lesson.  My sister thought she'd impress my friends by beating me up one day, when they all showed up @ my house.  I didn't hit her once & just thought of her as immature & foolishly stupid.

 

I never did anything to purposely harm my sister, was always nice to her.  I was confident & outgoing (often times out with my friends on the weekends) & never needed my mothers attention, though she often would do something she knew was wrong & I'd get the blame & the spanking that went along with it: no matter what I tried to tell my mother.  When I was 16 or 17 yrs old, I handed mom the belt & told her to have @ it (& I didn't spank me repeatedly) & I never shed a tear.  Ironically, that is when my sister ran away from home.  I think my sister did all those rotten things hoping I'd get the negative attention & that she'd therefore get all the positive attention. 

 

Because my sister was taller, everyone thought she was older & therefore though @ least in her own mind that she was.  She had to be the 1st one to have children, as though it proved something.  My sister corrupted the minds of her children & as a result they hate me too. 

 

People who are spiteful have warped minds & think of things in a twisted warped view.  Not sure what makes them tick, & there is little to nothing someone can do to change their views.  I've tried looking information up online regarding Spiteful people.  I think your best bet & it is less stressful.  You may never completely understand what makes your sister tick, I know I will never find out why my sister hates me so.

 

I've done all I can do to show my sister love & yet she rejects it, for she doesn't know what true love is.  If she is anything like my sister, it is ideal for you to cut the ties & never return to the vomit you once knew.  Yes: it is descriptive of my sisters attitude anyways.

 

If ever your sister has a change of heart, let her prove herself: otherwise it is ideal @ this rate not to have anything to do with her.  It would take a miracle for my sister to call me, even a greater miracle for my sister to show up @ my door & even a greater miracle for her to treat me nicely, & even a greater miracle for her to admit to her children or anyone else that I was actually the nice sister.  To those whom she cons into believing otherwise, they can have her.  My only wish is that their eye's would truly be opened, to understand her heartlessness towards me.

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#18 Old 04-14-2014, 03:05 PM
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Hi There,

That's a tough situation. It sounds like your sister has some serious psychological issues. I know that my mom behaves in a similar way. She will be best friends with someone, being extremely close and reliant on them. Then, suddenly, she will cut off tires so quickly that people will be left spinning in confusion as to what they did wrong. It took me a very long time to realize that what happens is that they do her some kind of wrong that she perceives as a betrayal and to protect herself (because she is quite weak emotionally), she cuts off ties (sort of "do it to them before they do it to me"). Usually, the perceived offense has to do with the other person putting someone else above her in their lives in the normal way that most people would do. For example, my mom and a cousin of hers got very close. They would talk every day on the phone, see each other weekly, go shopping, etc. She would rave about how wonderful she (the cousin) was and how much she understood her. Then, suddenly, she wasn't seeing her anymore. When I asked her about it, she said that her cousin had reconnected with her younger sister and was getting close to her. So even though my mom didn't say it, I read that as my mom feeling her cousin had "betrayed" her because she now had an important relationship with her sister who had been estranged from her before.

 

What I see here is that your sister has the problem - not you. When someone is emotionally unstable like that, it's sometimes better to cut your losses and not try to bring back the relationship. It sounds like your sister is playing an emotional game with you and the only way you can protect yourself is to not participate. If she sees that you keep trying to appease her by trying to build the relationship, then she will continue to play you. You're worth much more than that. It might be better to simply cut ties with her and show her that you're not there to play her game. I totally understand that you miss the relationship with her, but it also sounds like the relationship is hurting you more than it is helping. It might be better to have friends and family who really respect your feelings.

 

Djuna

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#19 Old 04-14-2014, 06:41 PM
 
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Originally Posted by With Out A Face View Post
 

Sounds like she is spiteful like my sister & it would be ideal if you made it impossible for her to contact you.  I learned the hard way, could not imagine why my sister hated me so.  I later realized she was jealous of me, & even later came acrossed a word that fit her to a T: she was spiteful towards me. 

 

I was taught to be kind to my sister & literally was, not sure how my sister missed out on that lesson.  My sister thought she'd impress my friends by beating me up one day, when they all showed up @ my house.  I didn't hit her once & just thought of her as immature & foolishly stupid.

 

I never did anything to purposely harm my sister, was always nice to her.  I was confident & outgoing (often times out with my friends on the weekends) & never needed my mothers attention, though she often would do something she knew was wrong & I'd get the blame & the spanking that went along with it: no matter what I tried to tell my mother.  When I was 16 or 17 yrs old, I handed mom the belt & told her to have @ it (& to spank me repeatedly) & I never shed a tear.  Ironically, that is when my sister ran away from home.  I think my sister did all those rotten things hoping I'd get the negative attention & that she'd therefore get all the positive attention.  I think she desired to see me hurt, not sure why.

 

Because my sister was taller, everyone thought she was older & therefore though @ least in her own mind that she was.  She had to be the 1st one to have children, as though it proved something.  My sister corrupted the minds of her children & as a result they hate me too. 

 

People who are spiteful have warped minds & think of things in a twisted warped view.  Not sure what makes them tick, & there is little to nothing someone can do to change their views.  I've tried looking information up online regarding Spiteful people.  I think your best bet & it is less stressful.  You may never completely understand what makes your sister tick, I know I will never find out why my sister hates me so.

 

I've done all I can do to show my sister love & yet she rejects it, for she doesn't know what true love is.  If she is anything like my sister, it is ideal for you to cut the ties & never return to the vomit you once knew.  Yes: it is descriptive of my sisters attitude anyways.

 

If ever your sister has a change of heart, let her prove herself: otherwise it is ideal @ this rate not to have anything to do with her.  It would take a miracle for my sister to call me, even a greater miracle for my sister to show up @ my door & even a greater miracle for her to treat me nicely, & even a greater miracle for her to admit to her children or anyone else that I was actually the nice sister.  To those whom she cons into believing otherwise, they can have her.  My only wish is that their eye's would truly be opened, to understand her heartlessness towards me.


Because I can't edit my own post, I edited it in my quote above where it is in bold & underlined both.  What I mean to say, & cut myself sort of saying it is: Look up "Spiteful People," figure out how they tick.  It is quiet complicated & hardly worth the effort to help them see the light.  But then again, if you can handle it: go for it.  Otherwise best to avoid those kind of people entirely. 

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#20 Old 04-15-2014, 04:28 AM
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A genuine thank you for this four-year bump. I needed to read these messages ...

 

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Originally Posted by DaftLikeAFox View Post

I think in a lot of cases the emotional attachment people have to family members is tragically misplaced. Personally, I might try to explain to other members of the family, but I would not interact with her anymore. Ever. And if they would rather believe what she says (although if your parents are on your side, as it were, surely clearing up the money thing with your younger sister would be as simple as telling her to ask your mother) then I wouldn't interact with them anymore either. You don't owe people anything for having the... fortune... to be related to them. If they want to make friendship difficult, don't do it; there are plenty of people who qualify by virtue rather than relation out there.

 

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kiz View Post

Agreed. The simple happenstance of sharing a certain amount of DNA with someone doesn't somehow make you owe them anything.

 

 

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Originally Posted by paperfantasy View Post

THIS.

 

... as I have realized that many of my family members present, for lack of a better phrase, a toxic environment and add a tremendous amount of stress to my life whenever I am around them. I am very thankful that I have experienced enough in my life to know that there are plenty of positive people in the world, and I try to surround myself with these types of people as much as is possible. However, I have almost felt obligated to continue to interact with family members who have personalities that I would never interact with of my own free will if they were not related to me.

 

Point being, hearing somebody say that, "sharing a certain amount of DNA with someone doesn't somehow make you owe them anything," is something that I really needed to hear. To be honest, I have pretty much already separated myself from these people, and doing so has felt like such a huge load has been lifted off of my shoulders. It is nice to hear confirmation that I am doing the right thing.

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#21 Old 04-15-2014, 05:19 AM
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It sounds like she needs some help. 

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#22 Old 04-15-2014, 07:22 AM
 
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 9

UR welcome for the bump.  I'm glad you are seeing the relationship for what it is: Toxic.  You do not have to take part of it.  I used to think I had to accept my toxic mothers phone call, a friend told me otherwise.  I left the toxic conversation (via the phone conversation on the bed) & walked out & the smart-alic that life taught me to be, I picked up the phone after my walk & said anyone there @ the other end: L.O.L.  & of course no one was there, my mother got tired of talking to herself. 

With Out A Face is offline  
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