Originally Posted by
hoodedclawjen
i don't love my bfs family. they really do my head in for the mostpart, in to be honest. they're not dreadful people really (just pretty normal people really), i'm perhaps a bit socially challenged, and i get very drained being around people who aren't really on my wavelength (or anywhere near it) for long periods of time- against my will (maybe desire- i'm not exactly a hostage) and in an environment where i can't just open my mouth and say what i want to, in response to their silliness (cos the bf gets upset) and it just makes them worse.
i struggle to deal with all the flapping and fussing from one, and stupid comments from another unfortunately rather dim and very opinionated one - its funny how those two attributes seem to go together
- (who thinks anyone remotely foreign or with a different idea about how things could be done should 'shut up and/or go home', who seems to spout borrowed opinions as some kind of universal truth, and who can't make sense of or empathise with anything outside of the scope of her own direct personal experience- which isn't exactly broad). and then two of them have some kind of power and wealth game going on between them involving diamond rings, holidays to mexico, and boat ownership, and thats just bizzarre and loud.
um.... my main strategies include-
making myself very busy in the kitchen/with the kids/somewhere far far away from conversation and annoyance range, whenever possible. i might well need to be present, but i don't need to be right in the middle of it.
imagining the clucky flapping one as a big chicken, and just hearing "quack quack quack, bwark bwark bwark!" whenever she speaks, and visualising the stupid and power-playing ones one as big 7 year olds having temper tantrums and jumping up and down then weeing themselves with rage.
having a very clear and agreed upon exit time and reason, before i get there (even if its been sort of.... um.... creatively ... ok, made up). knowing that i'm done at exactly 7pm and can then leave, makes the torment a bit more tollerable.
accepting that its relatively pointless even trying to persuade them to see things differently, but that i don't have to be trodden on in the process. if they say something thats very rude or offensive to me, i'm gonna calmly and politely say "excuse me, but that was a very rude thing to say to me. please don't talk to me like that again". and then i'll walk away. they might decide i'm crazy, but i won't feel like i've stood for abuse.
not getting drawn into any debate, or emotional upheaval. i put my scientist/robot head on and leave my touchy feely sensitive part at home. i'd only get mashed up if i took it with me, so i don't.
like AA says, i take a mental health day occasionally. the bf can go, but i can have a headache and stay home with a nice bubble bath and a book. they'll get over it. and i'm not really lying, cos i would have a headache if i went there. so its a sort of ' pre-emptive headache treatment'.
be very very happy that i don't live with them, see them every single day, or think and act like them. instead of feeling sorry for myself, i feel releived that this is all i have to deal with. cos there could be twice as many of them, and they could live next door, you know?
i also refuse to stay at any of their homes when we visit. we stay in a motel, so that everyone gets a nice relaxing break- including them (not having to play hostess at me). i refuse point blank, repeatedly, with a smile on my face, and if needs be, my bags locked in the boot of the car, the key out of sight and the alarm armed. they have to stop insisting that i stay once i've said no very sweetly 6 times or so, or they look silly stamping up and down demanding that i sleep in their spare room, while i'm calmly telling them that my room is all paid for and booked and its really fine, thankyou very much, i'd feel much comfier knowing that i wasn't putting them to any more work.
oh yeah, and i have cats now. unfortunately his mothers bf is allergic to cats. they won't be staying here when they visit, then.
..... by the way, how do they invite themselves for coffee? have you tried saying "i'm really sorry, but i'm very busy at the moment/on my way out on an important mission/not feeling so well and liable to puke in your tea" and then shutting the door or running away? or just hiding upstairs, not answering the door, and saying later that you forgot they were coming and were out (they'd give up after about 10 tries, i bet!)? its your house, damnit! say no! they can invite themselves somewhere else- somewhere that you can leave from, when you've had enough of them.