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Coping with in-laws - do any of you have problems?

1K views 22 replies 9 participants last post by  jeneticallymodified 
#1 ·
Ok I have to be honest and say I intensely dislike my in-laws and I try to avoid seeing them as much as possible. This is of course difficult, though as I have to go for things like birthdays and they also invite themselves for coffee at our house. My husband is a gem (I have been with him for 9 years) and to be honest (I would never say this to him) but I just don't understand how he can be related to them. They are selfish, greedy, ignorant and racist people which is the complete opposite of my husband.. They have done truly despicable things to me ( people who know what they have done to me won't have anything to do with the in-laws anymore) and yet I still have to see them. My husband doesn't like what they have done to me but of course they are still his family.. Tomorrow we have to go over there because it is yet again a birthday - whenever I know I'm going to see them I get tense and unhappy.. I was just wondering if any of you guys hate your in-laws and how you guys cope with it? I really don't like to hat anybody but this is exactly what I feel for these people - I truly wish they were not in my life..
 
#2 ·
My BF's family is like that (except for his Mom). They are all hunters and basically of the ******* mentality that two people who don't have a bunch of kids, don't drive a truck, and don't work in trades aren't worth their time. They make their typical comments about 'needing' meat, and generally talk about what they are buying...or want to buy...etc. I feel sad for them really because they don't have the spiritual base to realize these things are not worth such focus. We are all just different, and I accept that. Thankfully they live 16 hours drive away.

All I can say is just put one a nice face for the events - because you want your husband to see that you're making an effort despite their BS. However, for every 5 events....skip one and have a 'mental health day.' You don't have to go to EVERY one, but just miss the odd one and have a break. I've done this before and I see nothing wrong with it as long as you are showing up at least more often than not.
 
#3 ·
i don't love my bfs family. they really do my head in for the mostpart, in to be honest. they're not dreadful people really (just pretty normal people really), i'm perhaps a bit socially challenged, and i get very drained being around people who aren't really on my wavelength (or anywhere near it) for long periods of time- against my will (maybe desire- i'm not exactly a hostage) and in an environment where i can't just open my mouth and say what i want to, in response to their silliness (cos the bf gets upset) and it just makes them worse.

i struggle to deal with all the flapping and fussing from one, and stupid comments from another unfortunately rather dim and very opinionated one - its funny how those two attributes seem to go together
- (who thinks anyone remotely foreign or with a different idea about how things could be done should 'shut up and/or go home', who seems to spout borrowed opinions as some kind of universal truth, and who can't make sense of or empathise with anything outside of the scope of her own direct personal experience- which isn't exactly broad). and then two of them have some kind of power and wealth game going on between them involving diamond rings, holidays to mexico, and boat ownership, and thats just bizzarre and loud.

um.... my main strategies include-

making myself very busy in the kitchen/with the kids/somewhere far far away from conversation and annoyance range, whenever possible. i might well need to be present, but i don't need to be right in the middle of it.

imagining the clucky flapping one as a big chicken, and just hearing "quack quack quack, bwark bwark bwark!" whenever she speaks, and visualising the stupid and power-playing ones one as big 7 year olds having temper tantrums and jumping up and down then weeing themselves with rage.

having a very clear and agreed upon exit time and reason, before i get there (even if its been sort of.... um.... creatively ... ok, made up). knowing that i'm done at exactly 7pm and can then leave, makes the torment a bit more tollerable.

accepting that its relatively pointless even trying to persuade them to see things differently, but that i don't have to be trodden on in the process. if they say something thats very rude or offensive to me, i'm gonna calmly and politely say "excuse me, but that was a very rude thing to say to me. please don't talk to me like that again". and then i'll walk away. they might decide i'm crazy, but i won't feel like i've stood for abuse.

not getting drawn into any debate, or emotional upheaval. i put my scientist/robot head on and leave my touchy feely sensitive part at home. i'd only get mashed up if i took it with me, so i don't.

like AA says, i take a mental health day occasionally. the bf can go, but i can have a headache and stay home with a nice bubble bath and a book. they'll get over it. and i'm not really lying, cos i would have a headache if i went there. so its a sort of ' pre-emptive headache treatment'.

be very very happy that i don't live with them, see them every single day, or think and act like them. instead of feeling sorry for myself, i feel releived that this is all i have to deal with. cos there could be twice as many of them, and they could live next door, you know?

i also refuse to stay at any of their homes when we visit. we stay in a motel, so that everyone gets a nice relaxing break- including them (not having to play hostess at me). i refuse point blank, repeatedly, with a smile on my face, and if needs be, my bags locked in the boot of the car, the key out of sight and the alarm armed. they have to stop insisting that i stay once i've said no very sweetly 6 times or so, or they look silly stamping up and down demanding that i sleep in their spare room, while i'm calmly telling them that my room is all paid for and booked and its really fine, thankyou very much, i'd feel much comfier knowing that i wasn't putting them to any more work.

oh yeah, and i have cats now. unfortunately his mothers bf is allergic to cats. they won't be staying here when they visit, then.


..... by the way, how do they invite themselves for coffee? have you tried saying "i'm really sorry, but i'm very busy at the moment/on my way out on an important mission/not feeling so well and liable to puke in your tea" and then shutting the door or running away? or just hiding upstairs, not answering the door, and saying later that you forgot they were coming and were out (they'd give up after about 10 tries, i bet!)? its your house, damnit! say no! they can invite themselves somewhere else- somewhere that you can leave from, when you've had enough of them.
 
#4 ·
I don't know what I'd do. Mainly because it would be a cold day in hell before I'd back down from telling my boyfriend the truth about how I felt.

He's a big boy and he can handle the truth. I don't go out of my way to be mean about anyone or anything, but expressing my distress, discomfort, and feelings of "Hey, I don't want to hang out with people who have done despicable things to me" seems important to me. It would be important to him too... I don't think he'd make me spend time with poisonous people, no matter how much genetic code he shared with them. I wouldn't do it to him, if he happened to hate anyone in my family for good reason. Heck, I wouldn't spend any time with someone who did "despicable" things to someone I was serious about or married to. Hell to the no.
 
#5 ·
Quote:
Originally Posted by hoodedclawjen View Post

i don't love my bfs family. they really do my head in for the mostpart, in to be honest. they're not dreadful people really (just pretty normal people really), i'm perhaps a bit socially challenged, and i get very drained being around people who aren't really on my wavelength (or anywhere near it) for long periods of time- against my will (maybe desire- i'm not exactly a hostage) and in an environment where i can't just open my mouth and say what i want to, in response to their silliness (cos the bf gets upset) and it just makes them worse.

i struggle to deal with all the flapping and fussing from one, and stupid comments from another unfortunately rather dim and very opinionated one - its funny how those two attributes seem to go together
- (who thinks anyone remotely foreign or with a different idea about how things could be done should 'shut up and/or go home', who seems to spout borrowed opinions as some kind of universal truth, and who can't make sense of or empathise with anything outside of the scope of her own direct personal experience- which isn't exactly broad). and then two of them have some kind of power and wealth game going on between them involving diamond rings, holidays to mexico, and boat ownership, and thats just bizzarre and loud.

um.... my main strategies include-

making myself very busy in the kitchen/with the kids/somewhere far far away from conversation and annoyance range, whenever possible. i might well need to be present, but i don't need to be right in the middle of it.

imagining the clucky flapping one as a big chicken, and just hearing "quack quack quack, bwark bwark bwark!" whenever she speaks, and visualising the stupid and power-playing ones one as big 7 year olds having temper tantrums and jumping up and down then weeing themselves with rage.

having a very clear and agreed upon exit time and reason, before i get there (even if its been sort of.... um.... creatively ... ok, made up). knowing that i'm done at exactly 7pm and can then leave, makes the torment a bit more tollerable.

accepting that its relatively pointless even trying to persuade them to see things differently, but that i don't have to be trodden on in the process. if they say something thats very rude or offensive to me, i'm gonna calmly and politely say "excuse me, but that was a very rude thing to say to me. please don't talk to me like that again". and then i'll walk away. they might decide i'm crazy, but i won't feel like i've stood for abuse.

not getting drawn into any debate, or emotional upheaval. i put my scientist/robot head on and leave my touchy feely sensitive part at home. i'd only get mashed up if i took it with me, so i don't.

like AA says, i take a mental health day occasionally. the bf can go, but i can have a headache and stay home with a nice bubble bath and a book. they'll get over it. and i'm not really lying, cos i would have a headache if i went there. so its a sort of ' pre-emptive headache treatment'.

be very very happy that i don't live with them, see them every single day, or think and act like them. instead of feeling sorry for myself, i feel releived that this is all i have to deal with. cos there could be twice as many of them, and they could live next door, you know?

i also refuse to stay at any of their homes when we visit. we stay in a motel, so that everyone gets a nice relaxing break- including them (not having to play hostess at me). i refuse point blank, repeatedly, with a smile on my face, and if needs be, my bags locked in the boot of the car, the key out of sight and the alarm armed. they have to stop insisting that i stay once i've said no very sweetly 6 times or so, or they look silly stamping up and down demanding that i sleep in their spare room, while i'm calmly telling them that my room is all paid for and booked and its really fine, thankyou very much, i'd feel much comfier knowing that i wasn't putting them to any more work.

oh yeah, and i have cats now. unfortunately his mothers bf is allergic to cats. they won't be staying here when they visit, then.


..... by the way, how do they invite themselves for coffee? have you tried saying "i'm really sorry, but i'm very busy at the moment/on my way out on an important mission/not feeling so well and liable to puke in your tea" and then shutting the door or running away? or just hiding upstairs, not answering the door, and saying later that you forgot they were coming and were out (they'd give up after about 10 tries, i bet!)? its your house, damnit! say no! they can invite themselves somewhere else- somewhere that you can leave from, when you've had enough of them.
I love your post HCJ - thank you for giving me a real belly laugh!! My hubby just looked at me in a confused manner wondering why I was laughing so loudly at the computer screen.. A lot of your strategies are what I do as well.. I am luckily spared having to sleep at their house as they live quite nearby and so they don't stay at ours either!!! We see them as little as possible and I do lease in a few "headache days" but still every visit to them is one visit too much for me to be honest..
 
#6 ·
Quote:
Originally Posted by Semicharmed View Post

I don't know what I'd do. Mainly because it would be a cold day in hell before I'd back down from telling my boyfriend the truth about how I felt.

He's a big boy and he can handle the truth. I don't go out of my way to be mean about anyone or anything, but expressing my distress, discomfort, and feelings of "Hey, I don't want to hang out with people who have done despicable things to me" seems important to me. It would be important to him too... I don't think he'd make me spend time with poisonous people, no matter how much genetic code he shared with them. I wouldn't do it to him, if he happened to hate anyone in my family for good reason. Heck, I wouldn't spend any time with someone who did "despicable" things to someone I was serious about or married to. Hell to the no.
I think you misunderstood me Semicharmed. My husband knows very well how I feel about them. In my post I meant that I don't tell my hubby the particular thought I have about not understanding how he can be related to them as this is not a necessary thought I need to share with him.. My husband is not happy with the despicable things they have done to me in the past and he told them that as well... However, in my experience, it is not easy to just cut your family out of your life like that... We compromise by seeing them as little as possible - which for me, is unfortunately still too much!!
 
#8 ·
Yes that would be a seriously messed up relationship if I didn't tell him how I felt about it!!! No luckily, hubby is someone I am always honest with and can be completely myself with... Shame that isn't the case with my in laws but oh well.

For HCJ: actually I guess they invite themselves for coffee because I never invite them
And they usually do that if we haven't seen them in a while...
 
#9 ·
Quote:
Originally Posted by AspireToInspire View Post

Mother in Law's are pure evil.
Not all of them, just some of them.

Back to the OP--Have you considered getting a job in a different state/province? (I suspect you live on North America, but I'm not sure). I think there's a VBer who's had in-law problems who lives 3 states away from them.
Just a thought. As for the "dropping in" part, you might want to leave really early in the morning and be gone until 9:30-10 p.m. one day, and when they call and ask where you were, you tell them you were gone all day, but if they had called and said they'd be there you would've stayed home. That would give them a message pretty quick.
 
#10 ·
dutchvegan I REALLY feel your pain. I am in the same boat, but slightly too timid to completely stand up for myself, I know it sound silly but I guess I am quite shy. Snide remarks, along with the blatant ones, aswell as the hours long drop ins drive me mad. I tend to leave my emotions out of it as much as humanly possible, and if I feel I must say something I say it as factually as possible, not allowing for much in return.
 
#12 ·
Well I went and it was horrible... On top of it, I am now furious with my husband as we had agreed on a maximum time we would leave at but then my mother-in-law insisted we had to stay for dinner and so my husband agreed after promising me we would leave before dinner. We ended up staying an extra hour longer than we had agreed on. I told him that as he didn't stick to the agreements surrounding his family, I just wasn't going to go anymore - he can just go on his own. I hate it: they are horrible, don't respect me and on top of it, I can never rely on the agreements I make with my husband (he doesn't stand up for me around them, doesn't leave when we agreed we would etc.) surrounding his family. I just don''t understand it as he is usually reliable in other things apart from his ****ing family. Really really angry right now.
 
#13 ·
I'm sorry that happened.


He should have stuck to what you agreed, of course, but it can also be really hard to be in the middle of two people/groups of people that you love. I hope you can figure out a way that you don't have to spend too much time with these people.
 
#14 ·
hooded claw jen: you crack me up.

im confused why they insisted for you to stay for dinner. are they unaware that they are being disrespectful towards you? is it unintentional? i just dont see why they'd make you stick around just to treat you like crap for a little longer... maybe they dont realize what they are doing. has your husband said anything to them? perhaps he should.
 
#15 ·
Quote:
Originally Posted by Earthling View Post

I'm sorry that happened.


He should have stuck to what you agreed, of course, but it can also be really hard to be in the middle of two people/groups of people that you love. I hope you can figure out a way that you don't have to spend too much time with these people.
Thanks earthling.. However, so much **** has happened between me and his family that I think, if he still expects me to go, he should stick to our agreements..
 
#16 ·
Quote:
Originally Posted by NicoleSau View Post

hooded claw jen: you crack me up.

im confused why they insisted for you to stay for dinner. are they unaware that they are being disrespectful towards you? is it unintentional? i just dont see why they'd make you stick around just to treat you like crap for a little longer... maybe they dont realize what they are doing. has your husband said anything to them? perhaps he should.
They want us to stay longer because they want to see their son not because they want to see me. Yes they are intentionally hurting me: these are people who stole my inheritance (it was only a very small inheritance from my mom but still) so they are just nasty.
 
#18 ·
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dutchvegan View Post

They want us to stay longer because they want to see their son not because they want to see me. Yes they are intentionally hurting me: these are people who stole my inheritance (it was only a very small inheritance from my mom but still) so they are just nasty.
ugh they sound awful! they direspect you intentionally and took an inheritance from you? don't even go! you don't owe them anything.
 
#19 ·
Quote:
Originally Posted by Earthling View Post

Is there a reason you're expected to go with your husband to these gatherings? It seems like, knowing the horrible things they've done to you, he might understand why he should go alone?
I'm wondering this myself earthling. I always went because I love my husband and to keep the family peace.. But I am wondering if I am within my rights to just say I've had enough.. I'm worried though that this would make things very difficult and put a strain on my marriage? I don't know... I know that when I did openly tell my MIL things, it made things a lot worse and my husband and I started fighting a lot.. I guess I am worried this would happen again if I just stopped going.. Would I give my in-laws a reason why I wasn't coming anymore? And what about when they come to our house? Do I just make sure I am not at home then? I do truly detest these people.
 
#20 ·
Dutchvegan, you are well within your rights to say "that's it! I'm not going."

That said, I have done this after being basically verbally and emotionally abused time and time again, but after a time, I realized that is exactly what my mother in law wanted. She got to spend time with just her son, so by bowing out, I was doing her a favor as she could pretend I did not exist, "borrow" money off her son (in the thousands and never repaying) etc.

I also realized I was hurting my husband. He is vulnerable when she corners him and I am sure she had some lovely things to say to him about our relationship and how we lived our lives. It took some time for him to get some courage up and stand up to her when she was wrong in the way she treated us. For many years he didn't want to hurt her because no matter what a crappy mother she has been to him and his sister all their lives, he had been made to feel guilty if he "chose" anyone other than her or wanted to spend time with anyone other than her.

I guess he figured if he hurt me by saying nothing when she decided to attack, I would eventually get over it because I am more forgiving than she is. She can hold a grudge for for years (as you can see from the pm I sent you) She once didn't talk to her own mother for 2 or 3 years over raisin bread!

But it has to hurt your husband to see you're upset or crying because his family has been unkind.

So I say, stay classy but stand up for yourself when they cross the line. It may make a hell of a mess at the time but it is better in the long run because they will no longer see you as a door mat and the lines of communication will be wide open. Limit the visits, visit less frequently and explain to your husband it is better you all leave on a good note rather than wait for something to erupt. Don't let them get in between you


Out of curiousity, how close are the two of you with your family? Going only by personal experience, I would guess your family demands much less attention and time, treats your husband with respect and visits are rather uneventful (in a good, drama-free sort of way).

To all of you with loving, pleasant, mentally well mother in laws, give her a big hug next time you see her.
 
#21 ·
i think you need to have a proper sit down chat with your husband, and if possible, go to see an impartial, qualified relationship councellor as a couple- or on your own, if he's not keen -he might come around later and decide he wants to go when he sees how much its helping you, but if he doesn't, at least you'll be better armed to face them.

you need to be able to express how you feel, and why, in a safe place, with someone who can help you do so productively, and he needs to be able to articulate whats going on for him -which isn't easy for a lot of guys when their partner is unhappy. i think for many of them discussion is about finding a clear problem, and a straightforward solution- when you bring feelings into it, the problem is a big tangled bundle of string that they can't quite find an end of, whatever they say is gonna get them into even more trouble, there isn't a simple solution, and they're firmly planted on the losing end of the discussion.... (my poor bf has given me a desperate look mid-argument and asked "i love you, i know you're hurting and want to fix it- just tell me what i'm supposed to say... and i'll say it- and i'll mean it too!" before)- they really are stuck between a rock and a hard place quite a lot when women are involved- we complicate everything very impressively, and talk circles around them- they're pretty much screwed the minute they open their mouths really.


don't forget that he's got two very strong, very important women involved here (and a dad too!)- and so obviously will have divided and clashing loyalties. of course he loves you... but he's gonna love his mum and dad too (however horrible they are)- and for much of his life he's been in a submissive role to them (as a kid) and those are sometimes easy to slip back into- especially if their behaviour is something he's used to, having grown up with- which makes it seem more normal and easy to tollerate than it will to you (i grew up with some insanely disfunctional parenting going on, and trust me, it seems totally normal when you're born in the middle of it, and you can carry on almost oblivious -or without breaking a sweat- through total screaming chaos, when you've had a whole childhood of practice).

anyway, you really need to feel like you know where your boundaries are, whats acceptable and not acceptable to you, that you can assert yourself, and to get together a decent framework for how you're going to handle the inlaw problem- both together, and as individuals. thats very hard to do as a couple- especially as he's probably had a lifetimes experience of being manipulated by them, and might well have found doing the path of least resistance to be the path of least earache too.

you are totally allowed to feel how you want to feel, and to make your own decisions- to stay home, to verbalise how you feel, etc- whether you're married or not- you're entitled just by default because you're alive. whats important right now is that you work out a way to do this that works productively, for you, not against you, with the least damage to your marriage (if thats what you want). a councellor can help you with that. there are ways to state how you feel without pointing fingers, to accept others behaviour without condoning it, to make self-focused decisions without feeling selfish and guilty, to argue without fighting, and to walk away from an intense problem, to come back and deal with it later when you're calmer, etc. you just gotta go to 'feelings' school to get skilled in them.

.....i think this inheritance thing might be a big big unresolved issue lurking underneath it all- making things 1000% times worse- cos its hard to stay calm around already annoying people when you're still very very raw about something from the past, and feel like you're keeping a lid on all that hurt at the same time. might be worth seeing someone just to sort out your feelings around that.

 
#22 ·
aspiretoinspire and HCJ: thank you so much for your articulate and wise answers.. I guess I need some cooling off time as right now all I can feel and think is that I want nothing to do with my in-laws... Maybe, in a few days I will be a bit calmer.. In any case, my husband and I have decided to have a proper sit-down chat with each other about this on the weekend.. My husband has already said though that he would completely understand if I stopped seeing my in-laws and that he would not force me to see them.. I guess we'll see. Thank you so much for the support though!!
 
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