Making Friends (sorry kinda long) - VeggieBoards
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#1 Old 03-10-2010, 01:39 PM
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I have such a hard time making friends. I kinda skipped high school and the friends I had then are still out drinking/partying/doing drugs while I'm at home baking cookies with my 3 year old lol

I have anxiety and I feel like I really dont know how to make friends now. I don't connect with people. Like, I'm quite the 'attached' parent and I have my philosophies on parenting and I Have a hard time really connecting with people that aren't the same way (but most who are, are the 30 and 40 y.o moms LOL) I'm only 22 - and everyone my age is out living a carefree life or having kids and still going out partying doing drugs/drinking/acting neglectful and I just cannot respect that which makes me not want to get to know them at all. I'm also kinda judgmental I guess - like recently I went to a playgroup and I really felt like I didn't connect with any of the moms because they just sat there bs'ing while the kids had free rein of the playroom/toys and they were being soo obnoxious! Hitting, yelling, throwing things at other kids faces, pulling kids off the toys, pushing....you name it. The parents would see...but not say a word about it. They just looked and acted ... stunned. I don't know how else to put it. Like my daughter was riding this toy car and this little boy comes over and starts trying to drag her off of it, starts yelling at her and smacking her...did the mom do a thing? Of course not. So I had to go over and literally pull the little boy off my daughter and tell him he had to wait his turn. He did it again, I told him no, he started crying...mom still did nothing. lol All of them were like that...and I'm sooo not......and my daughter absolutely does not act like that! I don't really want her to be around kids like that on a weekly basis and start picking up bad behavior from them.



Is it weird that I can't connect with people like that ^ or is that somewhat normal? Lol I really just wish I could meet some wicked cool moms that share the same kinda parenting views I do. I find people that don't get offended when I even mention my views on stuff. They say I think I'm better than them....but I don't....its just how I do things, how I feel about things...for example, I don't feed my kids cows milk. I make vegan birthday cakes & healthy snacks. I delay/selective vax. I choose to stay home with my kids over going partying. Its just who I am as a parent, these things make me proud and they make me happy. But whenever I say anything about any of those things the 'friends' I do have get defensive and/or annoyed. I don't even do it in a 'oh dont do that, do this' way. Just saying 'this is what we do..' I haven't even told people I'm vegetarian because I can only imagine how much worse they will think of me. lol ugh it's ridiculous...right?
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#2 Old 03-10-2010, 02:48 PM
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Is there a vegetarian/vegan society or meetup group anywhere near you? Sometimes they have parent/child groups.

The ones I pity are the ones who never stick out their neck for something they believe, never know the taste of moral struggle, and never have the thrill of victory. - Jonathan Kozol
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#3 Old 03-10-2010, 03:51 PM
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Well I don't have kids and never plan on having them but I totally agree with your views of parenting. In the past I've met many parents like the ones you describe and it's really one of my biggest pet peeves and frustrations. I cannot bring myself to hang out with people like that. I have serious issues with parents that would rather spend the majority of their free time clubbing, going to bars, drinking, etc rather than taking that time to spend with their children. I used to go an ex's softball games and it amazed me how the parents would sit back and gossip or bs while they didn't keep track of their young children or wouldn't do a thing if their kid was harassing another kid, running around the parking lot (which always had cars coming in/out of it), or getting into things they shouldn't.



I feel for you and it sounds like you are a great mom. I don't think it's wrong at all or unusual that you don't connect with these people. As for finding friends that share your views, I second the suggestion of trying to find a vegan/vegetarian group or meetup in your area.
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#4 Old 03-10-2010, 07:47 PM
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I don't know..... I've searched FB for any clubs/groups/playgroups anything...but I didn't find anything. I know that doesn't mean it doesn't exist....but it's not looking very likely lol
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#5 Old 03-10-2010, 07:53 PM
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What about meetup.com or even craigslist?
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#6 Old 03-10-2010, 08:31 PM
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I just checked both of them and my (little) city isn't on them. The closest bigger city isn't either. Thanks though!
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#7 Old 03-10-2010, 09:02 PM
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How about starting one? Perhaps getting parents from neighbouring town(s) as well.

Anytime I think I'm perfect, I remember that my cousin lives on an island, and I've never walked over to visit her.
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#8 Old 03-10-2010, 09:04 PM
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i feel like you're me except a mom! i totally know what you mean about not connecting with people, i guess my advice from my own experience would just be to do your own thing and somebody cool will come along and to remember that with friends it's all about quality, not quantity, and that's worth waiting for. it can be really hard, i know, and i think a lot of it has to do with holding honor and values in a very high place, forgive me if i'm misreading, but that's so respectable and worth it and the friends who you will find who meet that standard will have been worth waiting for.
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#9 Old 03-11-2010, 07:49 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycoffee View Post

i feel like you're me except a mom! i totally know what you mean about not connecting with people, i guess my advice from my own experience would just be to do your own thing and somebody cool will come along and to remember that with friends it's all about quality, not quantity, and that's worth waiting for. it can be really hard, i know, and i think a lot of it has to do with holding honor and values in a very high place, forgive me if i'm misreading, but that's so respectable and worth it and the friends who you will find who meet that standard will have been worth waiting for.



ah, you make me feel so much better!!! I'm glad I'm not the only one, because for a second there I was starting to think I was really incapable of making friends lol
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#10 Old 03-12-2010, 01:52 AM
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Honestly, I feel like your lifestyle and attitudes make it difficult for you to make friends, and you have somewhat unrealistic expectations of other people.



-Your particular parenting choices severely curtail your ability to socialize with other adults. Few people in their early to mid twenties want to do toddler-focused activities to the exclusion of all other activities, even mothers. Most young mothers like doing things without their toddlers, or interacting with each other directly rather than through their toddlers. If your parenting values make this impossible for you, then its likely to be a real obstacle in making friends.



-You admit that you're judgmental. You sound judgmental. Saying things like "everyone my age is out living a carefree life or having kids and still going out partying doing drugs/drinking/acting neglectful and I just cannot respect that" is judgmental. People don't like to be judged - it alienates them, and makes them not want to go out of their way to be your friend.



So, since you started a thread about this, my advice would be to either lighten up and loosen up a bit, if at all possible, so you can have a social life with people your own age. Or, accept that you probably wont really have many friends until your child is 5ish and in school so you can do other things. Because if, as you've already concluded, your potential friends don't meet your standards and you choose to live in a way that provides you with few opportunities, then you have to be more flexible with your standards or your lifestyle. How are you even supposed to find other people like yourself when they'd also be at home baking cookies?





I think when things multiple things we want, like having friends, or having particular views of proper parenting, or focusing on one's child, come into conflict with each other, you can't always have it all and you sometimes need to recognize conflicting desires as being in actual conflict and decide whats most important to you and where you can compromise.
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#11 Old 03-12-2010, 10:06 AM
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Thank you for your honesty



Quote:
Your particular parenting choices severely curtail your ability to socialize with other adults. Few people in their early to mid twenties want to do toddler-focused activities to the exclusion of all other activities, even mothers. Most young mothers like doing things without their toddlers, or interacting with each other directly rather than through their toddlers. If your parenting values make this impossible for you, then its likely to be a real obstacle in making friends.



mmm...I didn't say I wanted it to be JUST about our kids. Socializing is fun, but I don't agree with Moms over here, kids over there....who cares what they are doing, who they are hurting, cause we're busy bs'ing. lol. The way I see it is I made the choice to bring my children into this world, they didn't ask to be here. They are my #1 priority and all other things need to fall into place without me having to choose my kids/values or them.



Quote:
You admit that you're judgmental. You sound judgmental. Saying things like "everyone my age is out living a carefree life or having kids and still going out partying doing drugs/drinking/acting neglectful and I just cannot respect that" is judgmental. People don't like to be judged - it alienates them, and makes them not want to go out of their way to be your friend.



I meant everyone my age (that I know) is. And they are. I don't know what to say about that...it's not a judgment, really...it's the truth.



Quote:
you choose to live in a way that provides you with few opportunities, then you have to be more flexible with your standards or your lifestyle. How are you even supposed to find other people like yourself when they'd also be at home baking cookies?



lol I'm not couped up 24/7. I just meant, instead of being out partying I'm at home with my kids. I still go out during the day. I actually went to a nice playgroup yesterday and met a few cool women that were more along my lines. So I know it's possible.



I think nycoffee is right. I don't think there is anything wrong with having standards for the people that you bring into your life, and quality is far more import than quantity. I just want friends I can relate to, and that wont take offense when I simply discuss things I do as a parent, I don't think that's too much to ask, and I guess... no I'm not willing to compromise on it because that would just make me be fake around people, and I'm so not that person lol



thanks for your opinion though I really appreciate it!!
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#12 Old 03-12-2010, 11:18 AM
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Hi, I don't have much experience with the parenting side of it, but on making new friends, if you have time how about exploring any other group activities that you find interesting? Or taking a class? For example, here the county dept of parks and recreation and also the YMCA both offer fun classes for parents with small children, e.g. fun times with art projects, "dance" classes for toddlers, yoga for mommy & me, etc. Now of course the women in those classes might be like the ones in the first playgroup you talked about and you don't connect. But I think certain of these classes like art, yoga might also attract more interesting people that you might find you have more in common with.
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#13 Old 03-12-2010, 11:35 AM
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^ thats a good idea. Thanks!
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#14 Old 03-13-2010, 07:54 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by evelinadatta View Post

Hi, I don't have much experience with the parenting side of it, but on making new friends, if you have time how about exploring any other group activities that you find interesting? Or taking a class? For example, here the county dept of parks and recreation and also the YMCA both offer fun classes for parents with small children, e.g. fun times with art projects, "dance" classes for toddlers, yoga for mommy & me, etc. Now of course the women in those classes might be like the ones in the first playgroup you talked about and you don't connect. But I think certain of these classes like art, yoga might also attract more interesting people that you might find you have more in common with.



As a Mom of a 25 year old son with high standards...here is what I learned along the way. First and foremost I needed to lighten up and relax. I was in my 20's when I was raising my son and all of my friends were out partying and enjoying life. I needed to be proactive in my search for friends and activities. The Parks and Rec program, library reading program, dance, sports, mommy & me, hiking & outdoor groups were an excellent source of activities. Also post a notice at the nearest local co-op and started your own play group. I always had lots of activities planned for my son but it required a proactive attitude on my part. The biggest lesson I learned was to be open to new possibilities and to lighten up and enjoy life, the precious time we have with our children as little ones is fleeting at best...enjoy the journey
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#15 Old 03-13-2010, 07:55 AM
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When my kids were that age my wife went to a play-group twice a week. Maybe if you went to a park you could meet other mom's your age doing the same thing you are: spending quality time with your child.

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