you're really not sounding very weird to me. in fact you sound exactly
like me when i was 14. ..... and 16 years on, i still hate
talking on the phone (making calls is ten times worse than answering them for me) i still feel very aprehensious about the unknown, and social situations really make me squirm. but i'm getting there. i can
do it. if i gotta use the phone to speak to a stranger i write myself a scripty outline to work from incase i go all blank and incoherant, and when i'm finished, i jump up and down with joy at my fabulous success, and treat myself to chocolate (any excuse for chocolate is good).
i think you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself, and judging yourself very harshly. and i bet you don't judge others like that. thats probably the root of what needs to change. if you can learn to stop thinking and thinking and thinking constantly, and listening to and reinforcing what your negative thought patterns tell you to be true (perceptions that often really aren't true anywhere but inside your own head), a lot of those things won't be half as dreadful. takes practice though.
what sometimes helps me is to take myself and my feelings out of a situation, and look at it objectively from a step or two back. for example: ok, so, i'm scared of talking on the phone. i used to hate it to the point of panic attacks and incoherancy (cos you can't see the other person so its hard to read their body language, you just dunno what they might say or why they are phoning or why they want to talk to you, you have to think on your feet, and its a bit high pressure really if you think about it). but if i look at it objectively- worse case scenario, if i loose control of my faculties and have a complete and utter meltdown, i can hang up and walk away. and i've done it before- and the world did not end. unsuprisingly. all that happened was that i took a breath and got myself together and had another go later on.
yep, if you hang up on them, the person on the other end might
think "oh, thats a bit odd- i wonder if we got disconnected, or maybe she was having a crap day- sounded like it- i hope she's ok!" but because they're most likely not quite
as crazy as me, they'll forget about it 2 minutes later, move on with their lives, and never give it another thought. they really won't be thinking "omg what a complete nut job, she's so useless she should just climb into a bucket, put the lid on, and never come out again" for the next 6 weeks... and even if they did think that- honestly, who cares? what some random phone-person thinks of me based on a 2 minute interaction doesn't make much difference really in the scheme of things- my entire life probably wouldn't be affected dreadfully because of it- the sun would still rise tomorrow, you know?
basically, in these petrifiying situations that could go disasterously wrong, its most likely that i'll
be the one who spends the rest of the day telling me that i'm a weirdo and failure and cutting chunks out of myself and blah blah blah- thereby making it into a disaster. nobody else. so i just gotta stop doing that crap to myself. i have disaster aversion skills. and i know how to use them.
similarly, when you start to feel odd about the blinds, ask yourself realistically- do i look through peoples blinds that much? is there an epidemic of blind-peeking sweeping across canada currently? i didn't hear anything about that on the news! do most people i know really have the time or inclination to go looking through strangers blinds all day? am i really that
fascinating that everyone would wanna spy on me while i do my dishes? what would happen if they did see me doing my dishes? would i reeeaaaallly
be so much of a monsterous vision that they're likely to claw at their eyes and run away down the street screaming? nope. so they're not gonna be doing it, and if they do happen to accidently glance in and see you, it'll still be totally fine. they'll be so busy thinking about how they mustn't forget to buy catfood or singing along to their eyepod or noticing a shiny car going past that they'll have forgotten your face in an instant. normal people are fickle and contrary like that. honest.
friendships come and go- thats normal. and they grow and shrink and change direction a lot too. i reckon i have maybe 2 or 3 good friends that i've had since college (who i don't talk to that often), and a few other people whom i can talk to about frivilous stuff and hang out with for 2 hours without wanting to go home and sleep to recover or strangle them. plus my mum and the bf but they don't really count. and thats alright. i don't need a bajillion people tripping me over everywhere in my life. friendships don't spring up overnight and stick with you forever either, they're more of a little dance where the music changes a lot and some people sit down for a breather while others do the funky chicken. you probably attract people with issues because you can relate and identify on a subconscious level. and when your issues start to slide into the sidelines a bit, you'll start to make friends that you have other, nicer things in common with.
if you put pressure on yourself to acheive amazing friendships within 2 months or whatever, you'll just overwhelm everyone (including you). maybe instead of doing that just start with doing something that you like doing- like for me that'd be an art class, and then chat to some people, low pressure, while you're there (ask them about a technique, complement something, etc). if thats too much then start with a very short conversation with a shop assistant in the art shop. and after you come away from the interaction write a list of the positives about it- instead of dissecting everything you did and telling yourself how much you screwed up. after a bit you'll probably relax a bit more and a bit more. and then yep, you might flap if someone suggests you go out for coffee together, but then after its done, it'll be less scary next time cos your comfort zone grows with experience. .... and its really ok to say "i'd love to. i have a bit of a social phobia, so just to warn you- i might get a bit frazzled after a while, but i like hanging out with you, so can we make it short and sweet, and go from there?". pressure off. that, or arrange to have a get-out, a made up appointment or something, so you can leave if it gets too much. friendships tend to be based around having something in common (work, a hobby, etc), or just being on the same wavelength as someone. there are other people out there who will be awesome friends for you- and when its time, and you're ready, it'll happen. promise.
so yeah... rambling- i do that.
it really does just take a lot of practice and baby steps, this getting better thing. you gotta practice practice practice talking to yourself kindly, and work through it and move forward one bit at a time. start to call yourself out on and re-wire all that wonky thinking you've trained yourself into doing, and stop talking to yourself in that mean negative voice. stop comparing yourself to everyone else and putting yourself down, cos you're really not qualified to make the decision that you fully suck on behalf of the rest of the planet. you're good enough just by way of existing- everyone is. and anyone who begs to disagree with me can bog off. .... and before anyone protests, i just happen to be qualified to make that assertion, cos i am the queen of awesomeness (self appointed).