Should I Write Them a Letter? - VeggieBoards
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#1 Old 01-07-2010, 05:46 PM
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This is going to be kind of confusing.



Basically my boyfriends mother disowned him because he is back in contact with his dad (because of me) which she tried so hard NOT to do? ( Why? I don't know, she is a very messed up person....)



My boyfriends aunt keeps contacting Myles telling him to "get over it, we all hated what our parents did to us as kids" etc etc etc. Which makes him feel like he is at fault for not talking to his mother. He has explained the situation many times and she just keeps saying the same thing. I don't want to get involved but I don't want her bringing my boyfriend down for no reason (he is 21, he shouldn't have to justify himself to talk to his own biological father!!!).



I want to just respectfully tell her that she should simply let it go and not get involved and she is making him feel like crap for her attitude and immaturity.



I don't know, I don't want to get involved and make things worse which is what I always seem to do as I am not good with words but blah! What do you think?

ÂBecause the heart beats under a covering of hair, of fur, feathers, or wings, it is, for that reason, to be of no account? - Jean Paul Richter
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#2 Old 01-07-2010, 05:56 PM
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Stay out of it.
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#3 Old 01-07-2010, 06:04 PM
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Originally Posted by Jessss2008 View Post




I don't want to get involved



This is your best thought on the matter. Do not get involved, it is not your business.
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#4 Old 01-07-2010, 07:26 PM
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yeah, don't get involved. can you see how much worse the aunt sticking her oar into his and his mums business has made stuff? if you get involved too then someone will join in giving you a piece of their mind, and it goes on and on and on. keep right out of it. your bf is an adult and is capable of making his own choices- if he wants to tell his aunt to sod off, he will, when he's ready. until then all you can do is support him with a listening ear and offer hugs.
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#5 Old 01-07-2010, 07:54 PM
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Originally Posted by hoodedclawjen View Post

yeah, don't get involved. can you see how much worse the aunt sticking her oar into his and his mums business has made stuff? if you get involved too then someone will join in giving you a piece of their mind, and it goes on and on and on. keep right out of it. your bf is an adult and is capable of making his own choices- if he wants to tell his aunt to sod off, he will, when he's ready. until then all you can do is support him with a listening ear and offer hugs.



this.
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#6 Old 01-07-2010, 09:13 PM
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I think it's smartest to not get involved, as others have said. I think the best thing for you to do is be there for your boyfriend - be supportive, without giving advice. Just be there for him and let him and his family sort the rest out
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#7 Old 01-07-2010, 09:27 PM
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stay out of it....and just be there if he needs you.
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#8 Old 01-07-2010, 09:36 PM
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just wanted to add a reminder that being there for someone doesn't mean 'fixing it for them'- thats a classic misunderstanding of the role. i hate when i go to my bf (or brother, or dad) with a problem and he tries to solve it- i just want the other person to listen, and then hug. listen, hug.



it is hard when you really care about someone and see they're hurting, to not dive in. but really, the best thing you can do is tell them that you really feel for them during this temporarily sucky time, and that you love them, and have faith in their ability to find a way through it- with you by their side. anything else takes away their power and is liable to p' them off or help them avoid their own responsibilities.
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#9 Old 01-08-2010, 09:01 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hoodedclawjen View Post

just wanted to add a reminder that being there for someone doesn't mean 'fixing it for them'- thats a classic misunderstanding of the role. i hate when i go to my bf (or brother, or dad) with a problem and he tries to solve it- i just want the other person to listen, and then hug. listen, hug.



it is hard when you really care about someone and see they're hurting, to not dive in. but really, the best thing you can do is tell them that you really feel for them during this temporarily sucky time, and that you love them, and have faith in their ability to find a way through it- with you by their side. anything else takes away their power and is liable to p' them off or help them avoid their own responsibilities.



This is the best advice. My BF has a strained relationship with his dad and blames much on his stepmon, and not without good reason. What I do is treat his family respectfully and stay out of the middle, there's things that have happened between them that I will never know about or ever full understand. I do listen to my BF and give him advice. I realize that if I interfer on this, I could damage my relationship with them, even if my BF ends up repairing the relationship.



I also hate when my BF tries to solve my problems instead of just listening.
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#10 Old 01-08-2010, 09:12 AM
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I want to just respectfully tell her that she should simply let it go and not get involved and she is making him feel like crap for her attitude and immaturity.



It's his job to tell her, how he feels.



Quote:
I don't know, I don't want to get involved



Then don't.



Quote:
and make things worse which is what I always seem to do as I am not good with words but blah! What do you think?



Getting involved in something that isn't your concern would make things worse.
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#11 Old 01-08-2010, 09:44 AM
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It's up to your boyfriend to stand up for himself. Nobody can do it for him. You are right when you say that getting involved would make things worse. I know it's tempting to get involved, but try to remember that you will be helping your boyfriend MORE if you don't get involved. He'll be a better person if he learns to solve his own problems, and the only way he can do that is if he has the chance to do so.

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#12 Old 01-08-2010, 09:46 AM
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It's not your family, not really your business. I've always hated it when people, including S/O's have gotten involved in my family life, or with my family issues with my mother and so on. It's MY problem, no theirs. And I don't think I've ever had someone get involved where it hasn't ended miserably.

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#13 Old 01-08-2010, 06:24 PM
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It's really hard not to say anything but I won't.



The only reason they are fighting is because of me anyways. I can honestly say I don't know what I did. I have always been so nice to her (and I mean NICE....not my little tantrums kinda of nice, I mean ALWAYS respectful) but I know she talks about wanting him to dump me (according to the BF). I have tried everything you guys, I kid you not. I think it's best to just give up and move on but I don't want things to end badly but it seems like that is what is going to happen between his mom and him if things don't change.

ÂBecause the heart beats under a covering of hair, of fur, feathers, or wings, it is, for that reason, to be of no account? - Jean Paul Richter
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#14 Old 01-08-2010, 06:30 PM
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I don't know why he's receiving advice from his mom re; your relaitonship and then telling you. Sounds like he might be a problem or have a problem.
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#15 Old 01-08-2010, 08:41 PM
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Originally Posted by penny79 View Post

I don't know why he's receiving advice from his mom re; your relaitonship and then telling you. Sounds like he might be a problem or have a problem.



How so? :/

Usually when he gets an email, he lets me read them or when he is upset he tells me why, usually its because his mom won't stfu about what her problem is with me. How does that make it seem like he has a problem. Sounds more like SHE'S the one with the problem.

ÂBecause the heart beats under a covering of hair, of fur, feathers, or wings, it is, for that reason, to be of no account? - Jean Paul Richter
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#16 Old 01-08-2010, 08:46 PM
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If he's old enough to have a girlfriend, his mom should stay out of his business. That said, he needs to be the one to tell her that.



Just a question, does he tell her about disagreements or problems that the 2 of you have? Just wondering what his mom is basing all this negativity on......
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#17 Old 01-08-2010, 08:48 PM
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I see him as being a problem if 1) she was negative about you and won't "stfu" as you say 2) he doesn't STOP talking to her about you and yet listens to her be negative 3) he tells you about her negative comments.



What kind of boyfriend is this?
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#18 Old 01-09-2010, 09:13 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Treehugger267 View Post


Just a question, does he tell her about disagreements or problems that the 2 of you have? Just wondering what his mom is basing all this negativity on......



I was wondering this as well.



Either way since his mom strongly dislikes you already getting involved in their family drama will only increase those feelings towards you. I know it's a struggle not to get involved and speak your mind but it's for the best.
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#19 Old 01-10-2010, 03:31 PM
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Originally Posted by Treehugger267 View Post

If he's old enough to have a girlfriend, his mom should stay out of his business. That said, he needs to be the one to tell her that.



Just a question, does he tell her about disagreements or problems that the 2 of you have? Just wondering what his mom is basing all this negativity on......



He doesn't talk to his mom about anything. All he ever talks about (which they don't talk at all anymore) is how he is doing. He never mentions me yet she always says "come home" or "why her". We (and I am not even kidding) NEVER or VERY VERY RARELY fight about anything. (Which is weird I know....I dunno, we just....click....). She is basing all of this most likely on the fact that its NEVER her fault that something bad happened. Her son moved out because she kicked him out.....so he came to live with me....but its my fault....and now she wants him home.....



I honestly don't know what her problem is. She has NEVER told either of us what her problem was with me. I think it's more then the "every mother in law hates their son's gf because no one is good enough for her son" because she seemed to love his ex who was cheating on him :/



I don't think she wants him to do better then her. She is divorced, lonely and is kind of......slutty? She sleeps around a lot.



She always told him 'when your a single parent' etc etc etc

ÂBecause the heart beats under a covering of hair, of fur, feathers, or wings, it is, for that reason, to be of no account? - Jean Paul Richter
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#20 Old 01-10-2010, 09:11 PM
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maybe she hates you because her son is with you, and not with her. sounds like she's a bit controlling and likes playing games. i'd be inclined to tune her right out like an annoying fly buzzing around the room.
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#21 Old 01-11-2010, 06:08 PM
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Originally Posted by hoodedclawjen View Post

maybe she hates you because her son is with you, and not with her. sounds like she's a bit controlling and likes playing games. i'd be inclined to tune her right out like an annoying fly buzzing around the room.



I have. But now his moms sister is telling him to get over it all, suck it up and get back in contact with his mom. I want to tell her to let her and Myles handle it but then it will make it seem like I am telling him what to do and its ok for ME to be involved but not her.

ÂBecause the heart beats under a covering of hair, of fur, feathers, or wings, it is, for that reason, to be of no account? - Jean Paul Richter
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#22 Old 01-12-2010, 07:55 AM
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Getting involved with your fellas family affairs is never a good idea.
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#23 Old 01-12-2010, 08:58 AM
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Stay out of it - getting involved will only make things worse, and if this woman has a problem with you for no reason of your own, you'd do well to not even engage her.
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