Why are vegetarians on dating sites apologetic? - VeggieBoards
Forum Jump: 
Reply
 
Thread Tools
#1 Old 07-16-2009, 09:19 PM
Riot Nrrrd
 
Dave in MPLS's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: St Cloud MN
Posts: 3,180
I've been checking out dating sites, and on 'general' sites I keep running across stuff like:



"I'm a vegetarian but don't expect you to be" "Being a vegetarian is a decision I made for myself" "I'm a vegetarian but accepting of people who aren't" .....



Tolerence is a virtue for sure, and I understand wanting to make it clear that one possesses it. But what disturbs me about phrasing things this way is that WE are explicitly acepting/promoting the perception amongst non-vegetarians that vegetarians are intolerent. I have seen very few people say something like "I enjoy burgers/corn/whatever but you don't have to" or "I have certain core philosophical beliefs, but it is not necessary that you agree".



I say "I am a vegetarian." If someone has a problem with that they don't have to contact me.



Any theories as to why so many follow that up with a qualifying "but"?

Dave in MPLS / DISCLAIMER: I am not an actual rooster.
"It is better to light a candle than to curse the darkness"
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 18002738255
Dave in MPLS is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
#2 Old 07-16-2009, 09:40 PM
Banned
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 11,550
... because there are some vegetarians who aren't open to mixed-diet relationships, just like there are some religious people who would or wouldn't consider someone with different veiws to be a potential.



because readers might assume that its not worth following up, if they've got experience of veggies not being inclusive, or because of their preconceived ideas that they'd not be considered a good match.



maybe someone reading might assume that a vegetarian/catholic/communist/whatever wouldn't want to be with them cos they're not one too. it'd be a shame to miss out on ending up with someone because of that.
jeneticallymodified is offline  
#3 Old 07-16-2009, 09:57 PM
Veggie Regular
 
Princess Peach's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 703
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dave in MPLS View Post

"I'm a vegetarian but don't expect you to be" "I'm a vegetarian but accepting of people who aren't" .....





I am not reading this one or that one as being apologetic. Some vegetarians only want to date other vegetarians so I am guessing that they are just clarifying that point.
Princess Peach is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
#4 Old 07-17-2009, 03:11 AM
Newbie
 
GhostUser's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 0
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dave in MPLS View Post

Tolerence is a virtue for sure, and I understand wanting to make it clear that one possesses it. But what disturbs me about phrasing things this way is that WE are explicitly acepting/promoting the perception amongst non-vegetarians that vegetarians are intolerent.



i dont have a problem with it myself cuz im well aware that some veg*ns have an insecure & aggro personality type which really doesnt sit well with communicating a veg*n message to omnis. all that the online daters are saying is "im not like that". i dont consider that apologising, i consider it being friendly & open, qualities that are pretty important to me.
GhostUser is offline  
#5 Old 07-17-2009, 11:48 AM
Veggie Regular
 
vheogl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2004
Posts: 1,188
I'm vegan and i detest veg*ns who are all veg*n bashing, they're as bad as bible bashing christian religious types. I chose to be vegan, I am open about my veganism, I will answer questions about it if asked but i will not preach to people or expect them to follow my dietry choice. All I ever ask of people is to accept it, as i accept them eating meat.



I think as others have said, people mention this on dating sites etc, not in an apologetic way, but to inform that they are not closed minded and they don't expect their lifestyle choice to be the same as others. Also imo it improves the reputation of veg*ns. There is a perception that we're all hating of those that eat meat and spend our lives preaching and protesting. Maybe they're trying to break the stereotype.
vheogl is offline  
#6 Old 07-17-2009, 12:25 PM
Veggie Regular
 
Chrysalis's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 3,101
I used to do that. I was mostly worried that being vegetarian would be a turn-off to people. Then I realized how apologetic and defensive it looked, and that I should not have to apologize for being me. I then changed the phrase to something like ''I am vegetarian and I love to cook!''

It's not in what you say, it's in what you do (Oasis)

Feeling bored? Why don't you wander over to my blog sometime. http://thebohemiankitchen.wordpress.com
Chrysalis is offline  
#7 Old 07-17-2009, 11:17 PM
Veggie Regular
 
rissierissie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 423
Quote:
Originally Posted by hoodedclawjen View Post

maybe someone reading might assume that a vegetarian/catholic/communist/whatever wouldn't want to be with them cos they're not one too. it'd be a shame to miss out on ending up with someone because of that.



Wait, there are other veg*n-catholic-communists out there?!!??!!
rissierissie is offline  
#8 Old 07-18-2009, 04:20 AM
Veggie Regular
 
Hekaterine's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 1,012
Quote:
''I am vegetarian and I love to cook!''



That sounds nice - also prob very attractive bearing in mind the best way to a man's heart is supposed to be through his stomach
Hekaterine is offline  
#9 Old 07-18-2009, 09:17 AM
Banned
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 7,160
All my profile says is that if somebody actively dislikes vegetarians, we won't get on so they shouldn't contact me.



I've been matched with several other veggies, and none of them have been apologetic about it in their profiles. One said something like "if you tell me you can't live without meat I'll go Peter Singer on your ass".



It took me a while to write the paragraph about me being vegan. I kept writing things like "I don't mind what you eat" but that's not true, I DO mind if people are contributing to animal slavery. The thing is, omnis can be converted, but you have to meet them first. Veggie only sites seem far too limiting, especially since I'm gay. My profile makes it clear that anyone I'm with has to be an animal lover, so I'm not going to meet people who simply don't care about the mistreatment of animals. I'm not looking for people to marry, just some company, and if it gets serious we can deal with the issue of veg*nism then.
Earthling is offline  
#10 Old 07-18-2009, 09:34 AM
Veggie Regular
 
1815alan's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 299
Quote:
Originally Posted by rissierissie View Post

Wait, there are other veg*n-catholic-communists out there?!!??!!



I thought I was the Only Catholic(x) Communist Veg*n
1815alan is offline  
#11 Old 07-18-2009, 09:41 AM
Veggie Regular
 
LuckyDuck's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 793
I don't have a dating profile (I've been in a happy relationship for almost 4 years, and converted from an omni after meeting my healthy vegetarian boyfriend).



I am, however, finding the need to "apologize" in my responses to ads for apartments. We're looking to room with people to save money, and holy cripes, it's proving difficult. We've got 3 snags: we're a couple, we've got a cat, and we're veg*ns. Being veg*n has proved more of an obstacle (in terms of denials) than being a couple and having a cat, combined. Some people explicitly state, "NO VEGETARIANS, we love our steak in this kitchen!" or something to that effect.



So when I answer ads that, at best, don't mention diet, I do say that we're veg*ns because I don't want to seem like I'm hiding it. But then I follow it up with,"We don't mind if you eat meat." I figure we could always get a mini-fridge if food storage becomes an issue (I'm a Fridge Freak, and everything has its own place -- no arguments!), and we have our own pots and pans and dishes/utensils.



It's tough, because I actually do care. I'd feel sick to my stomach if I woke up to the smell of bacon frying in the morning, and if my roommate(s) insisted of eating carcass at every meal, I'd find an excuse to eat in my bedroom with the door shut. But what's a gal with a light wallet to do? It's a tough situation, and so is being lonely. People will make apologies and compromises because getting to a better place is more important at the moment.
LuckyDuck is offline  
#12 Old 07-18-2009, 03:43 PM
Veggie Regular
 
Hekaterine's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 1,012
Sorry to hear you're having so much difficulty finding a room, Lucky Duck. You're not in the Lincoln area of the UK are you - I've got a room free
Hekaterine is offline  
#13 Old 07-18-2009, 06:54 PM
Veggie Regular
 
Idhan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Posts: 722
I think that it's unrealistic to expect people looking for a date to concerned with promoting the vegetarian "cause," (at least, while they're in the process of soliciting dates) but from a practical, getting-into-people's-pants perspective, I think that it might be counterproductive to present yourself in a manner that makes you look insecure. Then again, I'm the last guy from whom anyone should ask dating advice. (That preceding sentence may make me look insecure, contradicting my own previous advice about being confident, which just goes to show how true the aforementioned sentence is that I'm bad with this sort of thing. QED!)
Idhan is offline  
#14 Old 07-19-2009, 11:00 AM
Veggie Regular
 
Fromper's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Chicago, IL, USA
Posts: 7,014
You know, I like that suggestion of presenting yourself as an animal lover. As already mentioned, some meat eaters might get defensive and refuse to respond to someone who openly states that they're veg*n, but if you leave off the veg*n part and just mention you're an animal lover, you're likely to meet people who are veg*n-friendly even if they're not veg*n themselves. I might try that if I'm ever on a dating web site again.



--Fromper

Fromper is offline  
#15 Old 07-19-2009, 11:38 AM
Herbivorous Urchin
 
River's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 9,717
Quote:
Originally Posted by Fromper View Post

You know, I like that suggestion of presenting yourself as an animal lover. As already mentioned, some meat eaters might get defensive and refuse to respond to someone who openly states that they're veg*n, but if you leave off the veg*n part and just mention you're an animal lover, you're likely to meet people who are veg*n-friendly even if they're not veg*n themselves. I might try that if I'm ever on a dating web site again.



--Fromper




Agreed. Last year at university, I was looking to rent a room out, and "Animal Lover" works wonders. I also provided a minifridge for them, so they could keep their meat away from my nicely organzied vegan fridge.



As far as dating goes, I tell them after. If they like me, and I like them, then when I tell them it really shouldn't matter.

Quote:
"You will always be fond of me. I represent to you all the sins you never had the courage to commit.”
Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray
River is offline  
#16 Old 07-19-2009, 06:15 PM
Newbie
 
GhostUser's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 0
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hekaterine View Post

That sounds nice - also prob very attractive bearing in mind the best way to a man's heart is supposed to be through his stomach



LOL...really??? I hardly cook and my guy doesnt mind....he loves to cook....havent ever been on a dating site....but I think its sad veggies are apologizing for who they are.
GhostUser is offline  
#17 Old 07-19-2009, 08:05 PM
Kiz
Veggie Regular
 
Kiz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 12,132
Quote:
Originally Posted by LyricGaia View Post


As far as dating goes, I tell them after. If they like me, and I like them, then when I tell them it really shouldn't matter.



That's what I tend to think. If someone genuinely likes me I doubt me being vegetarian would really put them off. If it does, then obviously they don't like me enough!

Love the post? Why not buy the T-shirt!
http://www.kiz-shop.de/index.php?page=categorie&cat=8
http://www.kiz-shop.de/index.php?page=product&info=94
Kiz is offline  
#18 Old 07-19-2009, 08:15 PM
Veggie Regular
 
Skylark's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Posts: 15,684
Food is a surefire way to get to anyone's stomach, Y chromosome or not!

Q: How many poets does it take to change a light bulb? A: 1001...one to change the bulb, 1000 to say it's already been done.
Skylark is offline  
#19 Old 07-20-2009, 07:35 AM
Veggie Regular
 
vegbunny83's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2004
Posts: 933
I have a dating profile (which I am truthfully thinking of deleting for many reasons) and have had one on a few other sites. I used to put something in there along the lines of, "I am vegetarian and Buddhist/Agnostic, but I get along with meat eaters and Christians just as long as you're not going to try and convert me." I put that just because I know that food and religion are two things that people get really defensive about, and I wanted to throw my beliefs out there but at the same time seem approachable. After a while it just seemed hokey to me so I got rid of it. Now mine says something like "I am vegetarian and I love animals and nature" while making ample references to how much I love to cook, bake and try new restaurants.



With my current profile, I did get one guy who e-mailed me and said, "Hi, I'm not really a very big fan of vegetarians, but I guess I could make an exception for you because you seem like a great person." Seriously?? How does anyone thing that that's a good opening line? I didn't know whether to be flattered or insulted. Needless to say, that guy didn't get a response.



~Julie

"I remember the days when we talked for hours/And we were young, we thought we had superpowers/We weren't our problems, our age or our paychecks/And we weren't taking anybody's $h*t."
vegbunny83 is offline  
#20 Old 07-20-2009, 08:49 AM
Veggie Regular
 
Fromper's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Chicago, IL, USA
Posts: 7,014
Quote:
Originally Posted by vegbunny83 View Post

I have a dating profile (which I am truthfully thinking of deleting for many reasons) and have had one on a few other sites. I used to put something in there along the lines of, "I am vegetarian and Buddhist/Agnostic, but I get along with meat eaters and Christians just as long as you're not going to try and convert me." I put that just because I know that food and religion are two things that people get really defensive about, and I wanted to throw my beliefs out there but at the same time seem approachable. After a while it just seemed hokey to me so I got rid of it. Now mine says something like "I am vegetarian and I love animals and nature" while making ample references to how much I love to cook, bake and try new restaurants.



With my current profile, I did get one guy who e-mailed me and said, "Hi, I'm not really a very big fan of vegetarians, but I guess I could make an exception for you because you seem like a great person." Seriously?? How does anyone thing that that's a good opening line? I didn't know whether to be flattered or insulted. Needless to say, that guy didn't get a response.



~Julie



At least you know he read your profile. I've had a few "first dates" with women from dating sites in the past (not currently using one), and every one of them demonstrated that they hadn't read my profile. The last one seemed surprised I was vegetarian, despite having it in my profile, and that's not the only one who missed really obvious stuff.



--Fromper

Fromper is offline  
#21 Old 07-20-2009, 01:57 PM
Banned
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 7,160
Quote:
Originally Posted by Fromper View Post

At least you know he read your profile. I've had a few "first dates" with women from dating sites in the past (not currently using one), and every one of them demonstrated that they hadn't read my profile. The last one seemed surprised I was vegetarian, despite having it in my profile, and that's not the only one who missed really obvious stuff.



I've only had my profile a few days, but this is annoying the crap out of me! Women keep messaging me and asking things like "so what do you study?" or "what music do you like" when those EXACT questions are asked (and answered) in my profile. It just shows they message so many people they can't remember individual profiles.
Earthling is offline  
#22 Old 07-20-2009, 03:20 PM
Veggie Regular
 
vegbunny83's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2004
Posts: 933
Quote:
Originally Posted by WorzelGummidge View Post

I've only had my profile a few days, but this is annoying the crap out of me! Women keep messaging me and asking things like "so what do you study?" or "what music do you like" when those EXACT questions are asked (and answered) in my profile. It just shows they message so many people they can't remember individual profiles.



Yeah, I get that a lot too. I also state in my profile that I usually don't respond to winks and that I would prefer an actual message even if it's just one line. You wouldn't believe the amount of winks I get.



~Julie

"I remember the days when we talked for hours/And we were young, we thought we had superpowers/We weren't our problems, our age or our paychecks/And we weren't taking anybody's $h*t."
vegbunny83 is offline  
#23 Old 07-20-2009, 08:29 PM
Veggie Regular
 
Fromper's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Chicago, IL, USA
Posts: 7,014
I'm reminded of a comic strip I saw in the paper once. The caption said "Real world reading and comprehension test", and the picture showed a man standing next to a bench that had a sign on it that said "Dry paint".



I figure if they obviously don't read my profile, it's a good way to weed out the losers. I just wish I'd catch them during the initial emails, which doesn't always happen, instead of waiting until I buy dinner before finding out that they're illiterate.



--Fromper

Fromper is offline  
#24 Old 07-22-2009, 06:11 AM
Veggie Regular
 
Miso Jace's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 396
for me, i state my vegetarianism and how important it is to me, but i am conscious of how narrow the dating pool is for me as both a vegetarian and an ethical non-monogamist (finding someone who matches one is hard, finding anyone who matches both is impossible), so i have to convey my tolerance and openness to mixed lifestyle relationships, otherwise i'm going to be alone for the rest of my life.
Miso Jace is offline  
#25 Old 07-22-2009, 08:18 AM
Banned
 
Vegina's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 10
Dating sites are a waste of time anyway, you only get fat people on them.
Vegina is offline  
#26 Old 07-22-2009, 08:23 AM
Banned
 
Veggiebabes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 8
Quote:
Originally Posted by Miso Jace View Post

for me, i state my vegetarianism and how important it is to me, but i am conscious of how narrow the dating pool is for me as both a vegetarian and an ethical non-monogamist (finding someone who matches one is hard, finding anyone who matches both is impossible), so i have to convey my tolerance and openness to mixed lifestyle relationships, otherwise i'm going to be alone for the rest of my life.





Same as me, i often find it hard finding a match thats a veggie, and open to me having multiple partners.
Veggiebabes is offline  
#27 Old 07-27-2009, 05:50 AM
Veggie Regular
 
Licence's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 746
I'm now in a serious relationship, and didn't like internet dating when I wasn't, but did try speed-dating and singles parties.



At those events, I would never mention I was vegetarian (or that I had two cats) - its all about avoiding the weirdo tag at that stage.



And to a lot of people, being veggie is weird, no matter how weird it may be to you and me to eat a butchered animal's carcass.



Quote:
Originally Posted by vegbunny83 View Post

With my current profile, I did get one guy who e-mailed me and said, "Hi, I'm not really a very big fan of vegetarians, but I guess I could make an exception for you because you seem like a great person." Seriously?? How does anyone thing that that's a good opening line? I didn't know whether to be flattered or insulted. Needless to say, that guy didn't get a response.~Julie



Sounds like a total loser! By the way, you look gorgeous and am sure it won't take you long to find someone!
Licence is offline  
#28 Old 07-27-2009, 05:55 AM
Veggie Regular
 
beatricious's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,904
Quote:
Originally Posted by Licence View Post

I'm now in a serious relationship, and didn't like internet dating when I wasn't, but did try speed-dating and singles parties.



At those events, I would never mention I was vegetarian (or that I had two cats) - its all about avoiding the weirdo tag at that stage.



And to a lot of people, being veggie is weird, no matter how weird it may be to you and me to eat a butchered animal's carcass.



I have an online dating profile, and I debated whether or not to include the fact that I'm vegan. But I look at it like this: if someone thinks that being vegan makes me weird, then I don't want to date them anyway. If it reduces the number of people who contact me, then all it's doing is reducing the number of useless first dates I have with people who wouldn't want to deal with my veganism. I just say "I'm vegan" and let people draw their own conclusions.
beatricious is offline  
#29 Old 07-27-2009, 06:12 AM
Veggie Regular
 
Kellye's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 3,814
Quote:
I've only had my profile a few days, but this is annoying the crap out of me! Women keep messaging me and asking things like "so what do you study?" or "what music do you like" when those EXACT questions are asked (and answered) in my profile. It just shows they message so many people they can't remember individual profiles.



Sounds like reading an online profile doesn't leave folks with those icebreaking "What do you study?" questions, so they ask them anyway out of habit.



I didn't think the original description was that defensive. I thought it was more about presenting one's self as having an open mind, especially since there is a prevailing stereotype about vegetarians/vegans who are intolerant of omnis.



I am probably the only vegetarian any of my friends know (barring my roommate) and since people have no experience to base their prejudgement on (they WILL pre-judge) they are going to make that assessment based on what represents "VEGAN" in their head: that presentation usually either includes a) ski-masked college kids breaking into a labratory to steal monkeys, or b) some political activist who is going to excuse themselves during a dinner party and walk to the next table to tell someone where their beef florentine really came from.



Neither sound that appealing on the dating scene. Too much drama. And I can't say that I blame them. So if I was going to post an online dating profile, I would probably say something along the lines of, "I'm vegetarian, but if you're not, that's cool!"
Kellye is offline  
#30 Old 07-27-2009, 08:30 AM
Veggie Regular
 
Chrysalis's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 3,101
I just remembered something else I used to put in my online dating profile (I'm taken, now, but not from someone I met online!). I would write something like, "I'm vegetarian. It's okay if you aren't, but if you are too, then that is a bonus!''

It's not in what you say, it's in what you do (Oasis)

Feeling bored? Why don't you wander over to my blog sometime. http://thebohemiankitchen.wordpress.com
Chrysalis is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the VeggieBoards forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in


Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off