If you're new to the blues, or if you know it and like it but never

really understood the whys and wherefores - here are some very

fundamental rules.



1) Most Blues songs begin with: "Woke up this morning...."



2) "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you

stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with

the meanest face in town."



3) The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat

it. Then find something that rhymes - sort of: "Got a good woman with

the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest

face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weigh 500

pound."



4) The Blues is not about choice. "You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in

a ditch ... ain't no way out."



5) Suitable Blues cars include Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and

broken-down trucks. However, no self-respecting Blues singer travels

in Volvos BMWs or sports utility vehicles. Most Blues transportation

is a Greyhound bus or a Southbound train. Jet aircraft and

state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a

major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' ta die.



6) Only adults sing the Blues. Teenagers can't sing the Blues; they

ain't fixin' ta die yet. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough

to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.



7) Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or

anywhere in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably

just clinical depression. Clarksdale, Chicago, St. Louis, Kansas City,

Memphis, and N'Awlins are still the best places to have the Blues. You

cannot have the Blues in any place that don't get rain.



8) A man havin' male-pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with

male-pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is

not the Blues. Breaking your leg 'cause an alligator be chompin' on it

is.



9) You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The

lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the

dumpster.



10) Good places for the Blues:

a) highway

b) jailhouse

c) empty bed

d) bottom of a whiskey glass



11) Bad places for the Blues:

a) Nordstrom's

b) gallery openings

c) Ivy League institutions

d) golf courses



12) No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit - unless

you're a really old person, and you slept in the suit.



13) Do you have the right to sing the Blues?

Yes, if:

a) you're older than dirt

b) you're blind

c) you shot a man in Memphis

d) you can't be satisfied



No, if:

a) you have all your teeth

b) you were once blind but now can see

c) the man in Memphis lived

d) you have a 401K or trust fund



14) Blues is not a matter of color, it's a matter of bad luck. Tiger

Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston could have. Ugly white

people also got a leg up on the Blues.



15) If you ask for water and your darlin' gives you gasoline, it's

the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:

a) cheap wine

b) whiskey or bourbon

c) black coffee

d) muddy water

These, however, are NOT Blues beverages:

a) Perrier

b) Chardonnay

c) Snapple

d) Slim Fast

16) If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues

death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to

die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a

broken-down cot.



You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or

during liposuction.



17) Some good Blues names for men:

a) Joe

b) Willie

c) Little Willie

d) Big Willie

18) Some good Blues names for women:

a) Sadie

b) Big Mama

c) Bessie

d) Hot Dumpling

However, women with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie or Heather can

never

sing the Blues - no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.



19) Blues Name Starter Kit

a) name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame etc.)

b) first name plus name of fruit (Lemon Lime, Peach, etc.)

c) last name of a president (Jefferson, Johnson, Filmore, etc.)



Some valid Blues names might be Blind Lemon Jefferson, Pegleg Lime

Johnson or Cripple Peach Filmore.



20) No matter how tragic your life is: if you own a computer, you

cannot sing the blues, period. Sorry.

That's great!

Heheh cool.

Darn, there goes my chance...

The Blues Name Generator...



If you, too, yearn to bin your old identity and assume the mantle of a venerable African American bluesman, the procedure is quite straight forward. Simply consult the following three lists. From the first list, take the name against the initial of your first name. From the second list, do the same with your middle name. From the third, your surname. Et voila!



A=Fat; B=Muddy; C=Crippled; D=Old; E=Texas; F=Hollerin'; G=Ugly; H=Brown; I=Happy; J=Boney; K=Curly; L=Pretty; M=Jailhouse; N=Peg Leg; O=Red;P=Sleepy; Q=Bald; R=Skinny; S=Blind; T=Big; U=Yella; V=Toothless; W=Screamin'; X=Fat Boy; Y=Washboard; Z=Steel-Eye.



A=Bones; B=Money; C=Harp; D=Legs; E=Eyes; F=Lemon; G=Killer; H=Hips; I=Lips; J=Fingers; K=Boy; L=Liver; M=Gumbo; N=Foot; O=Mama; P=Back;Q=Duke; R=Dog; S=Bad Boy; T=Baby; U=Chicken; V=Pickles; W=Sugar; X=Cracker; Y=Tooth; Z=Smoke.



A=Jackson; B=McGee; C=Hopkins; D=Dupree; E=Green; F=Brown; G=Jones; H=Rivers; I=Malone; J=Washington; K=Smith; L=Parker; M=Lee; N=Thompkins; O=King; P=Bradley; Q=Hawkins; R=Jefferson; S=Davis; T=Franklin; U=White; V=Jenkins; W=Bailey; X=Johnson; Y=Blue; Z=Tubbs.

That makes me Crippled Dog Bailey

I'm Jailhouse Lips Davis

I'm Blind Eyes Rivers. :\\

Old Liver Green

Blind Gumbo McGee. Too many B's and G's to fit me. I'm more into S's, F's, and L's. Well, I'm far too optimistic and cheerful to legitimately sing the blues, anyhow.

Pretty Bones Rivers here. Skylark, I'm jealous of your name. I want my name to have "gumbo" in it!

Crippled Eyes Davis here...nice to meet y'all

I'm a singer of da blues that's so legendary that I only got me one name, Sleepy

I don't have a middle name... but anyways I'm Curly Davis

I'm not sure about my name: Fat Brown. (I don't have a middle name.) It sounds like a euphemism for a piece of dung. Now that's something to sing the blues about!

12) No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit - unless

you're a really old person, and you slept in the suit.



Ohh, dem's fighting words. I suppose it is OK if what you are doing is that old timey, country blues stuff or you are a woman a woman, but even then, you should be treating the blues with respect. Like Muddy Waters or young BB King or Little Walter. And of course if you want to be a blues guy you need to acessorize: A matching hat is good. Rose-tinted beaded glasses are not. The blues masters know that singing the blues means looking like you are going to a funeral, or coming from a funeral, or if you die with nothing to your name but your harp in your pocket and a bus ticket in your hand, that they can refund the ticket for the coffin and plant you in the ground in the same clothes you died in.

i don't have a middle name either, but if i use the last letter of my first name i get "Happy Eyes Thompkins"

Pretty-Fingers Davis, here. And on the suit issue, I have three words: the Blues Brothers.

Jailhouse Dog Rivers here!

moving this to Arts & Entertainment.

Texas Fingers Bradley... Uh, okay. I like "Fingers"

Written on a Blues Player's tombstone:



"I didn't wake up this morning..."

I'm having a ball reading everyone's Blues names! This is hilarious!

crippled eyes dupree

Boney Lemon Dupree

Fat Harp Rivers here!



ETA: strange really as my surname is Harper.....!

Curly Foot Davis, here.

Curly Bad Boy Bailey. Um, but I'm a girl!