Alternative theories about Jesus - VeggieBoards
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#1 Old 04-09-2006, 11:23 AM
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It's Easter! Let's talk about Jesus!



When Jesus walked on Lake Gennesaret, the lake had actually frozen, so he was walking on ice. Since the lake didn't usually freeze, the disciples thought the whole thing was a miracle.



Jesus only pretended to be dead on the cross so the Romans would leave him alone. The nails and spear cuts were only flesh-wounds, so some friends (Nicodemus and the influential Joseph of Arimithea according to some sources) took care of him for a while. On the third day he was feeling better and went for a walk. However, if the Romans found out he was still alive, he and his friends would be in trouble. So after 40 days, he fled to Kashmir in India, where he became known as Yuz Asaf. He now lies burried there, in the city Srinagar. (That is what the Ahmadiyaa muslims believe, anyway.)



Others think he married Mary Magdalene and lived happily ever after.



So what do you all think? Do you know other theories?

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#2 Old 04-09-2006, 11:28 AM
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Hey, I saw Prince of Darkness, so I know he was in truth a space alien.
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#3 Old 04-09-2006, 11:59 AM
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Christ is a title, not a name. There were many 'Christs'.



Two men named Jesus were tried before Pontius Pilate. One had the surname Bar-Abbas (son of Abbas) and the other Bar-Joseph (son of Joseph). The assembled crowd was told to choose one to be executed and the other to be set free, in the custom of the time. Jesus Bar-Joseph was convicted and put to death.



'Death' and 'Ressurection' were Qumranian concepts reflecting the belief that anyone outside the sect was 'dead' and once they were baptized 'ressurected' into an enlightened existence in the church.



Jesus selected James as his successor to lead the church after him, the Romans choses Saul (Paul). It is believed by some that the Catholic Church is based on the work of Saul, not James as intended by Jesus the Christ.



Jesus was Black.
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#4 Old 04-09-2006, 12:49 PM
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There is a theory (based on an ancient Jewish text) that Jesus' father was not Joseph but Pantheras who was a Roman soldier (who had possibly raped Mary and Joseph then took her under his wing).
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#5 Old 04-09-2006, 02:52 PM
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Sketchy: That's very interesting...

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Jesus was Black.

Yes, and a vegetarian socialist gay too

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There is a theory (based on an ancient Jewish text) that Jesus' father was not Joseph but Pantheras who was a Roman soldier (who had possibly raped Mary and Joseph then took her under his wing).

Which could be an early example of a smear campaign. If Jesus' father was a Roman, then Jesus wasn't a descendant of King David as requiered of the Messiah, not even a real Jew, but instead a ******* son, which again would mean that his ideas would receive little support from the Jewish people.

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#6 Old 04-09-2006, 03:01 PM
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Not that I know anything about that kind of things, but I thought being a Jew is inherited through the mother. So, who-ever Jesus'father was, he was definately a Jew. Anyway, isn't god supposed to be his father, since Joseph had nothing to do with it?
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#7 Old 04-09-2006, 03:13 PM
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inie, I think you are right about the inheritance thing. It still makes a good smear campaign, though.



As for whether it was supposed to be God or Joseph, I'm a little confused about that, too. Because if God was the father, he wasn't a descendant of king David... Unless it was his mother, Mary, who contributed the royal blood. But I don't think that is how it's portrayed in the Bible.

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#8 Old 04-09-2006, 03:46 PM
 
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Actually, Mary and Joseph were *both* descendants of David. There's some debate about whether Mary was from the line of Judah or Levi, but it's really irrelevant. Luke 3v23 and following describes the genealogy of Jesus. It's in reference to his "father", Joseph, but you can see much of Mary's line as well.



How about the "Jesus was just a con-man" theory? Or that he was a Buddhist, and that he spent his time before age 30 (when he began his ministry), studying in the Far East.

The ones I pity are the ones who never stick out their neck for something they believe, never know the taste of moral struggle, and never have the thrill of victory. - Jonathan Kozol
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#9 Old 04-09-2006, 04:03 PM
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Yes, Mary and Joseph were both from the line of David.

It's interesting how much stuff people make up about Jesus. The Bible is the ultimate authority on who Jesus was and is.
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#10 Old 04-09-2006, 04:14 PM
 
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To Christians, the Bible is the ultimate authority. But, it was written (largely) by followers of Jesus, so I'm not sure one can claim it's the most unbiased. There are other texts too, that provide info on Jesus....writing of Josephus, for example.

The ones I pity are the ones who never stick out their neck for something they believe, never know the taste of moral struggle, and never have the thrill of victory. - Jonathan Kozol
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#11 Old 04-09-2006, 05:23 PM
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Jesus and Lucifer were brothers in Heaven before the fall.
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#12 Old 04-09-2006, 05:25 PM
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Quote:
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To Christians, the Bible is the ultimate authority. But, it was written (largely) by followers of Jesus, so I'm not sure one can claim it's the most unbiased. There are other texts too, that provide info on Jesus....writing of Josephus, for example.



There are also stories about Jesus in the Bible (most notably the story of Jesus and the woman caught in adultery) that definitely didn't happen, but were added later, by scribes.
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#13 Old 04-09-2006, 05:32 PM
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Goodness, Jesus posts are very popular in the Heap, why?
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#14 Old 04-09-2006, 05:37 PM
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Mostly because there are no other appropriate forums on here, I think

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#15 Old 04-09-2006, 05:54 PM
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Quote:
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To Christians, the Bible is the ultimate authority. But, it was written (largely) by followers of Jesus, so I'm not sure one can claim it's the most unbiased. There are other texts too, that provide info on Jesus....writing of Josephus, for example.



There are also those that believe/know (told by both Catholic Priests and everyday ministers) that some of the texts for the bible were first passed down for hundreds/thousands of years before being written down... then lost... then found and a committee of men got together to figure out which were real, and which were fakes. Then once they got into it disagreements led to different versions of the bible (or just look up apocrypha)
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#16 Old 04-09-2006, 06:09 PM
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I really think for alternative theories about Jesus, one should read the book Lamb, The Gospel according to Biff, Jesus childhood pal by Christopher Moore. It's really funny and quite interesting. As to believing alternative theories, I think it is impossible for me to know what really happened 2,000 years ago.
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#17 Old 04-09-2006, 07:12 PM
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Fine if you want to read other manuscripts about Jesus, but the Bible is the only book that is inspired by God. Yes, it was written by his followers, but the Holy Spirit guided them to write the things they wrote.
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#18 Old 04-09-2006, 07:57 PM
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And they wrote a lot about Jesus, just not everything made it into the bible.
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#19 Old 04-09-2006, 08:18 PM
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Fine if you want to read other manuscripts about Jesus, but the Bible is the only book that is inspired by God. Yes, it was written by his followers, but the Holy Spirit guided them to write the things they wrote.

And you know this because...?
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#20 Old 04-09-2006, 08:20 PM
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#21 Old 04-09-2006, 08:54 PM
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Jesus worked at a Wal-Mart and was put to death for attempting to start up a union.
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#22 Old 04-09-2006, 09:28 PM
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"Jesus' Brother Bob" is my favorite song from summer camp in high school.



If you haven't heard of me

I wouldn't be surprised

I bet you know my relatives

Their names will never die

My mother is a saint

And my brother is a god

But all I am is Jesus' brother Bob



Jesus' brother Bob, Jesus' brother Bob

A nobody relative of the son of God

If only I'd been born just a little sooner

I'd be known as more than the brother of God Junior



I have to pay the ferry

To cross the Galilee

But not my brother

No not him

He walks across for free

I finally get to work

'Bout a quarter after nine

Already he's turning water into wine



Jesus' brother Bob, Jesus' brother Bob

A nobody relative of the son of God

If only I'd been born just a little sooner

I'd be known as more than the brother of God Junior



One day when I was home

I heard a mighty roar

There were a thousand people

Right outside the door

Help us, Jesus, help us!

Came the cheering from the mob

But then they got a look at me

Oh nuts, it's only Bob



Jesus' brother Bob, Jesus' brother Bob

A nobody relative of the son of God

If only I'd been born just a little sooner

I'd be known as more than the brother of God Junior



He died upon the cross

I thought that I was free

Finally people would get to know

Me for me

(Hi Bob, Hi Judas!)

This was my big chance

To finally get ahead

The next thing you know

He's rising from the dead



Jesus' brother Bob, Jesus' brother Bob

A nobody relative of the son of God

If only I'd been born just a little sooner

I'd be known as more than the brother of God Junior



Everybody!



Jesus' brother Bob, Jesus' brother Bob

A nobody relative of the son of God

If only I'd been born just a little sooner

I'd be known as more than the brother of God Junior



ahhhahhhhahhh-Bob




Some versions of the chorus have the second-to-last line "If only I'd been more than just a little sinner..."

Q: How many poets does it take to change a light bulb? A: 1001...one to change the bulb, 1000 to say it's already been done.
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#23 Old 04-09-2006, 09:39 PM
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Jesus was Black



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Yes, and a vegetarian socialist gay too



Is this some sort of mockery?
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#24 Old 04-09-2006, 10:03 PM
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Sketchy, likely it's not mockery, as some people have claimed Jesus was a vegetarian, others that his social commentary lines up with socialism, and was it Danny DeVito who played a gay Jesus in... oh shoot... Corpus Christi, I think.

Q: How many poets does it take to change a light bulb? A: 1001...one to change the bulb, 1000 to say it's already been done.
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#25 Old 04-09-2006, 10:24 PM
 
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Agreed. The gay and vegetarian aspects are much MUCH debated in certain segments of society and the internet.



If you're looking for books, try searching Amazon for "alternative Jesus". There are some interesting things out there, including this one that I saw at Barnes and Noble recently as well http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/097...lance&n=283155

The ones I pity are the ones who never stick out their neck for something they believe, never know the taste of moral struggle, and never have the thrill of victory. - Jonathan Kozol
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#26 Old 04-09-2006, 11:47 PM
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The point I was trying to make is that Jesus the Christ was a dark skinned middle eastern individual, not the surfer looking cracker so common in modern catholicism.



Any disagreement on this 'alternative' theory about Bar-Joseph?
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#27 Old 04-10-2006, 12:58 AM
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I suppose, if you call middle-eastern people black....

At any rate the chances that he was blond with blue eyes are very small. Vegetarian seems very unlikely to me, how many jews were vegetarian (by choice) about 2000 years ago? And, gay? if he was, they wouldn't have put it in writing, most likely. My question would be: does it matter?

Next, I'll hear someone providing arguments that Jesus was in fact a woman!

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#28 Old 04-10-2006, 01:22 AM
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Well... long hair... dress like outfit.... sandles.... handed out and prepared food for parties....
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#29 Old 04-10-2006, 01:24 AM
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In our upcoming production of "Godspell", Jesus is played by a woman. She's brilliant in the role.



I love researching "the historical Jesus". I've been fascinated by the story for years. I'm directing a production of "Jesus Christ Superstar in the fall, and I love learning more!

Nec Aspera Terrent
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#30 Old 04-10-2006, 01:26 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by inie View Post

I suppose, if you call middle-eastern people black....

At any rate the chances that he was blond with blue eyes are very small. Vegetarian seems very unlikely to me, how many jews were vegetarian (by choice) about 2000 years ago? And, gay? if he was, they wouldn't have put it in writing, most likely. My question would be: does it matter?

Next, I'll hear someone providing arguments that Jesus was in fact a woman!




Well he was a Jew. I thought he had long brown hair with dark eyes. So the picture is painted.



There is a saying that Jesus was black. (Mostly by Mormans, LDS, RLDS, and now the Community of Christ.) But hey, Jesus did not have the tools to cut his hair back in the OT and that is a sin according to Paul to have long hair. But hey, Deliah cut Samsones hair off with a sword in the OT.



Then Jesus fed the 5 thousand with fish and bread. I do not recall him ever saying that he ate them. Just like when he met Mathew the big fisherman.(I think that was the one.)
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