"Brits revoke U.S.A. independence" - VeggieBoards
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#1 Old 08-02-2005, 10:06 PM
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I noticed this on someone's blog and found it hilarious. Though it can be an emotionally-involved topic, I'm not trying to start a debate here.





Subject: BRITS REVOKE U.S.A. INDEPENDENCE

(A Message from John Cleese To the citizens of the United States of America):



In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).* Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.



To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:



- You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.* Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at* just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise*your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up vocabulary).* Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.*



- You*will* relearn your original national anthem .......God Save the Queen.'* July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.*



- You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing* someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle* a gun.* Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish*to carry a vegetable peeler in public.



- All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show youGerman cars, you will understand what we mean. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric* with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.* Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of* humour.* The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.*



- You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.* The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to* as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.



- Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys.* Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.*



- You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time,* be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full*kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).* Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.*



- You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.*



An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's*Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).*



Thank you for your co-operation.

Q: How many poets does it take to change a light bulb? A: 1001...one to change the bulb, 1000 to say it's already been done.
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#2 Old 08-02-2005, 10:14 PM
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I'm pretty sure that wasn't written by john cleese.
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#3 Old 08-02-2005, 11:31 PM
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LMFGDAO!!!!!lol:
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#4 Old 08-02-2005, 11:34 PM
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that's cute.

‎"I just think there's something in being lost. I never feel lost. I just think, 'Oh. I've taken a diversion'." ~ Karl Pilkington
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#5 Old 08-02-2005, 11:34 PM
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I think I saw that on the same blog, earlier, I love it. ^-^
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#6 Old 08-03-2005, 02:47 AM
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That's great.

I mean, 'donut'
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#7 Old 08-03-2005, 02:53 AM
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I actually like baseball. It's a cool sport to watch. but I agree about american football. And people say that cricket is complicated!
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#8 Old 08-03-2005, 06:22 AM
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I read this a long time ago - I particular like the part about american cars being crap, and well, of course, about our incompetent leader ;-)
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#9 Old 08-03-2005, 06:29 AM
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I'm in agreement with it!
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#10 Old 08-03-2005, 06:30 AM
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Funny, but not written by John Cleese:

http://www.snopes.com/politics/satire/revocation.asp
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#11 Old 08-03-2005, 06:54 AM
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That was funny. Good way to start the morning.



B
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#12 Old 08-03-2005, 07:02 AM
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haha!
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#13 Old 08-03-2005, 08:13 AM
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it was funny, whether or not it was written by john cleese.
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#14 Old 08-03-2005, 05:21 PM
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OMGs you guys - did you read all of the snopes article:



Quote:
We'll tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for "Teletubbies".



LOL!
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#15 Old 08-03-2005, 07:44 PM
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I never believed it was written by John Cleese--fiction, just like the rest of it. It doesn't bother me to find out that a person I hadn't heard of anyway wasn't the true author. Absolutely hilarious, either way. As are the two "rebuttal" versions at the end of Shadowlee's link.

Q: How many poets does it take to change a light bulb? A: 1001...one to change the bulb, 1000 to say it's already been done.
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#16 Old 08-03-2005, 10:09 PM
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You should also stop playing cricket. Americans can't understand the rules. If you insist on playing this game which is only played by former British colonies, you will introduce a simplified scoring system, timeouts, colored strips and cheerleaders to make it more interesting. Any match which takes longer than 90 minutes will be declared a draw.



FINALLY!!!
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#17 Old 08-03-2005, 10:23 PM
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*rofl*
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#18 Old 08-10-2005, 10:11 AM
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I'm British, and cricket baffles me too.
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#19 Old 08-10-2005, 03:50 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by isowish View Post

I'm British, and cricket baffles me too.



Ditto!



peace and love amy-jane xx
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#20 Old 08-10-2005, 04:09 PM
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Hilarious!



I thought that the guy who killed jfk was caught and killed by someone else that day. Wasn't his name like douglas or something?
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#21 Old 08-11-2005, 12:05 AM
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Seeing just the title, I was kind of hoping it was going to be a real article.
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