Single Parents - VeggieBoards
Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
#1 Old 07-13-2009, 09:21 PM
Herbivorous Urchin
 
River's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 9,717
I am nineteen, I was raised by my father since I was six, seeing my mom every now and again sporadically while growing up. She had three other kids, and from birth I chose my dad over my mom. There was never a moment where I thought I wasn't loved, my father and I have a relationship of best friends, and always have. I graduated with honors a year and a half early, and have been holding down a job since I was fourteen.



My father never pushed thoughts or bias on me, and raised me to read and have an open mind and choose my own path in life. Instead of a home raised in yelling, it was raised in laughter and learning. You get this bond with your parent that you cannot get with two parents because of the imbalance. When you have a mother and a father, you have two people raising a child, and the child gets lost in this lesser role of having to be raised, and being the 'child' not the friend, or the human being. I really can't explain it in the proper words right now.



Why do people think it takes a mother and a father to raise a decent child?

Quote:
"You will always be fond of me. I represent to you all the sins you never had the courage to commit.”
Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray
River is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
#2 Old 07-13-2009, 09:25 PM
Veggie Regular
 
Princess Peach's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 703
Well, I think a father and mother are preferable, a loving, warm-hearted smart and stable mother and father. Raising a child alone would be such hard work. A whole extended, loving, stable family would be even better. The more loving, stable, giving, warm-hearted elders the better, no? One decent, single parent, though, strikes me as better than two dud ones. Or one good one and a dud one.
Princess Peach is offline  
#3 Old 07-13-2009, 09:26 PM
Veggie Regular
 
havocjohn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Posts: 7,669
Quote:
Originally Posted by LyricGaia View Post

I am nineteen, I was raised by my father since I was six, seeing my mom every now and again sporadically while growing up. She had three other kids, and from birth I chose my dad over my mom. There was never a moment where I thought I wasn't loved, my father and I have a relationship of best friends, and always have. I graduated with honors a year and a half early, and have been holding down a job since I was fourteen.



My father never pushed thoughts or bias on me, and raised me to read and have an open mind and choose my own path in life. Instead of a home raised in yelling, it was raised in laughter and learning. You get this bond with your parent that you cannot get with two parents because of the imbalance. When you have a mother and a father, you have two people raising a child, and the child gets lost in this lesser role of having to be raised, and being the 'child' not the friend, or the human being. I really can't explain it in the proper words right now.



Why do people think it takes a mother and a father to raise a decent child?

simple answer, you learn things from your mother and you learn different things from your father.
havocjohn is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
#4 Old 07-13-2009, 09:27 PM
Herbivorous Urchin
 
River's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 9,717
Quote:
Originally Posted by havocjohn View Post

simple answer, you learn things from your mother and you learn different things from your father.



Not really. You learn different things when you go do a doctor as compared to a different doctor.





There really wasn't any bit of knowledge I missed out on.

Quote:
"You will always be fond of me. I represent to you all the sins you never had the courage to commit.”
Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray
River is offline  
#5 Old 07-13-2009, 09:30 PM
Veggie Regular
 
Princess Peach's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 703
Quote:
Originally Posted by LyricGaia View Post

You get this bond with your parent that you cannot get with two parents because of the imbalance. When you have a mother and a father, you have two people raising a child, and the child gets lost in this lesser role of having to be raised, and being the 'child' not the friend, or the human being.



I'm not sure if that is true of everyone. I certainly bonded with both my parents and never felt "lost" or in a "lesser role" or just "the child". I'd say that was bad parenting, and can come from single parents as much as double(??) ones. Both my parents loved and love me, equally, or so it seems to me.



ETA: I learnt different things from both my parents, considering that they were both different human beings and not clones of each other, and had different world views, experiences and outlooks. Learning different things from different people doesn't mean you are "missing out". I learn different things from different people each and every day.



Unless you are the world-beating genius of all time and the memory master of the universe you will have missed out on some knowledge. We all have. It's part of the human experience, not knowing everything. Only God knows everything, and we are not God. We should strive to learn more each day and not just assume that we have "never" missed out on any knowledge.
Princess Peach is offline  
#6 Old 07-13-2009, 09:39 PM
Banned
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 11,550
i don't really follow the logic. i grew up with 2 parents and didn't get lost in a lesser role. i was a child, of course, but still a human being. i don't think its entirely healthy for a child to be in a purely 'friend' role with the parent, as aposed to the regular parent-child one, depending upon what that entails.



as a child i was spoken to on a level i could handle, by two different adult parent people with different perspectives, skill sets, interests, personalities, who were in a relationship together. i also interacted regularly with a much bigger group of family members and extended family- their adult friends and collegues.



i think i benefited from this- i learned early on that people are all different, and learned a lot from watching them problem-solve and discuss and argue and negotiate, i didn't feel shoved from pillar to post, or like i missed a level of intimacy because there were more than 2 people in our relationship (i have a brother and a half brother too, so at some points there were 5 of us).



i get that you feel a close bond with your father as the primary parental figure in your childhood- thats great. but i think you've made a big old sweeping statement that imples your experience is everyones experience, and that what worked out well for you means a superior outcome for everyone else being raised by a single parent- when thats not the case. my bf raised a daughter alone, and while he did a great job, and they're close, she feels something was missing, personally, she envies her cousins who had brothers and sisters and a mother in their life.



i think traditionally families were seen as ideally having a male and female parent, because traditional gender roles made it work pretty well like that- and the gender role debate aside, i do think men and women tend to think relatively differently and use different approaches for the mostpart, and seeing this doesn't hurt a childs development. its also arguably easier to raise a kid logistically and financially when you're not shouldering all of the workload. 2 parent families were probably also pushed by religious groups and the like to try and keep people functioning how they wanted us too. and blah blah blah.



that said, i (as a person, but not answering on behalf of all people) don't think decency (however we're defining it) is dependant on 2 live-in parents- one of either gender, any more than it is dependant on myriad other factors.
jeneticallymodified is offline  
#7 Old 07-13-2009, 09:57 PM
Veggie Regular
 
havocjohn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Posts: 7,669
Quote:
Originally Posted by LyricGaia View Post

Not really. You learn different things when you go do a doctor as compared to a different doctor.





There really wasn't any bit of knowledge I missed out on.

that you are aware of. When I was your age I didn't know not being raised with a father figure around was causing me to miss out on different learning experinces either... maybe someday you will realize the difference, maybe not.
havocjohn is offline  
#8 Old 07-13-2009, 10:07 PM
Banned
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 11,550
everyone misses out on some stuff... knowledge, experiences, group dynamics stuff, etc. i'm sure had i had an older sister in the home instead of older female cousins down the street i would have learned a few things a little sooner from that, had there been a baby in the house 24-7 when i was a teen i would have gained something (and lost something.. like sleep) from that.



there wasn't much variation in cultural or ethnic heritage where i lived and between the people i interacted with for most of the time as a kid, i expect thats set me back with respect to knowledge and cultural sensitivity from some of my friends who grew up in more diverse inner city environments and who know more about the reality of that experience, but put me ahead of them in some other stuff.



and then learning styles and personalities and blah blah blah come into play when considering who learns and benefits from what and how and why and when.



...and so on.



there is no perfect formula for raising a child, no magical mix, no one size fits all.
jeneticallymodified is offline  
#9 Old 07-13-2009, 10:20 PM
mlp
Banned
 
mlp's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 8,995
I think it's useless to try to generalize about things like this; there are just too many variables. You learn something from everyone, but you can learn bad stuff as well as good, and whether the good outweighs the bad is determined by many factors, including your inherent personality, the way parents interact with each other and with third parties as well as how they interact with you, the interplay of other factors, etc.



It's akin to looking back and wishing you had made a different choice at some life juncture; you don't know what that choice would have led to (you may imagine a certain outcome, but you can't know), and if you had made that different choice, you might have ended up in a situation less desirable than the one in which you actually find yourself.
mlp is offline  
#10 Old 07-13-2009, 10:24 PM
Veggie Regular
 
havocjohn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Posts: 7,669
Quote:
Originally Posted by hoodedclawjen View Post

everyone misses out on some stuff... knowledge, experiences, group dynamics stuff, etc. i'm sure had i had an older sister in the home instead of older female cousins down the street i would have learned a few things a little sooner from that, had there been a baby in the house 24-7 when i was a teen i would have gained something (and lost something.. like sleep) from that.



there wasn't much variation in cultural or ethnic heritage where i lived and between the people i interacted with for most of the time as a kid, i expect thats set me back with respect to knowledge and cultural sensitivity from some of my friends who grew up in more diverse inner city environments and who know more about the reality of that experience, but put me ahead of them in some other stuff.



and then learning styles and personalities and blah blah blah come into play when considering who learns and benefits from what and how and why and when.



...and so on.



there is no perfect formula for raising a child, no magical mix, no one size fits all.

though I don't disagree with what you are saying, the thread is about being raised without a parent, in this particular thread father/mother and why it is believed a 2 parent system is preferred.



Being raised with or without siblings, cousins, other ethnic groups, etc is not really relevant in regards to the different things we learn from our parents as a different sex couple, in part because men and women are different on various levels for various reasons.
havocjohn is offline  
#11 Old 07-13-2009, 10:27 PM
Veggie Regular
 
dormouse's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,609
Different things work for different families. Unfortunately, families of all configurations can end up being dysfunctional and negative environments. The gender and number of guardians aren't relevant, despite how ingrained the family unit has become in society. Personally, it makes sense that the more mentors and supporters a child has, the better. That's not an argument for having two parents, but rather re-thinking this whole family unit altogether and reforming it to be more communal.



Gee, LyricGaia, I wonder what prompted this thread....
dormouse is offline  
#12 Old 07-14-2009, 03:49 AM
Veggie Regular
 
Sevenseas's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Posts: 25,067
I believe that kids shouldn't really be raised by any parents at all, but at the age of 1,5 years they should be taken under the care of a team of dance teachers who would then start a rigid educational program lasting until the kids become 20, teaching them to dance really well to various bossa nova records from the years 1960-64.

"and I stand

upon a mountain

made of weak and useless men"

Sevenseas is offline  
#13 Old 07-14-2009, 06:56 AM
Veggie Regular
 
Skylark's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Posts: 15,684
Quote:
Originally Posted by Princess Peach View Post

Well, I think a father and mother are preferable, a loving, warm-hearted smart and stable mother and father. Raising a child alone would be such hard work. A whole extended, loving, stable family would be even better. The more loving, stable, giving, warm-hearted elders the better, no? One decent, single parent, though, strikes me as better than two dud ones. Or one good one and a dud one.



Oh. My. Goodness. I agree with you. Although, your statements could make a polygynous/polygamous arrangement sound superior to a two-parent setup.

Q: How many poets does it take to change a light bulb? A: 1001...one to change the bulb, 1000 to say it's already been done.
Skylark is offline  
#14 Old 07-14-2009, 07:12 AM
Banned
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Posts: 7,981
Quote:
Originally Posted by LyricGaia View Post

Not really. You learn different things when you go do a doctor as compared to a different doctor.





There really wasn't any bit of knowledge I missed out on.



You say you were raised only by your father and yet you now insist you are an expert in how kids are raised by both mother and father? How did you acquire this wisdom while only raised by your father?
MrFalafel is offline  
#15 Old 07-14-2009, 07:33 AM
Veggie Regular
 
zoebird's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2001
Posts: 8,451
i think the negativity surrounding single parenthood is not really about their inability to successfully raise children, but rather around the difficulty it may be for the parent to raise a child basically "alone."
zoebird is offline  
#16 Old 07-14-2009, 08:42 AM
Banned
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 717
Quote:
Originally Posted by LyricGaia View Post

I am nineteen, I was raised by my father since I was six, seeing my mom every now and again sporadically while growing up. She had three other kids, and from birth I chose my dad over my mom. There was never a moment where I thought I wasn't loved, my father and I have a relationship of best friends, and always have. I graduated with honors a year and a half early, and have been holding down a job since I was fourteen.



My father never pushed thoughts or bias on me, and raised me to read and have an open mind and choose my own path in life. Instead of a home raised in yelling, it was raised in laughter and learning. You get this bond with your parent that you cannot get with two parents because of the imbalance. When you have a mother and a father, you have two people raising a child, and the child gets lost in this lesser role of having to be raised, and being the 'child' not the friend, or the human being. I really can't explain it in the proper words right now.



Why do people think it takes a mother and a father to raise a decent child?



You make some good points but I think most people think two parents are preferable for the simple fact that raising a child is a lot of work and having a partner to help you makes it much easier. This is probably why romantic love was favored by natural selection (it encourages males to stick around and co-operate with their partners in raising their children).



If I ever adopt, I would most likely do it as a single father. I wonder if my child might be better off with two parents or how tolerant adoption agencies are towards single men. I do agree with you that two parents isn't necessary.
African_Prince is offline  
#17 Old 07-14-2009, 09:23 AM
Beginner
 
Simply_Love's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 162
Quote:
Originally Posted by Princess Peach View Post

Well, I think a father and mother are preferable, a loving, warm-hearted smart and stable mother and father. Raising a child alone would be such hard work. A whole extended, loving, stable family would be even better. The more loving, stable, giving, warm-hearted elders the better, no? One decent, single parent, though, strikes me as better than two dud ones. Or one good one and a dud one.



I agree with the extended family aspect. I was raised by my mother, because after my father found out she was pregnant her left her, though he was cheating on her so it would have happened eventually... My grandparents paid a huge part in my up bringing. My mom couldn't afford daycare, plus I doubt she would have left me in the care of strangers anyway, so my grandparents watched me while she was at work, and before and after school in later years. I'm so glad my parents were not together during my childhood, because I would have never developed the relationship I have with my grandparents today.



Quote:
Originally Posted by zoebird View Post

i think the negativity surrounding single parenthood is not really about their inability to successfully raise children, but rather around the difficulty it may be for the parent to raise a child basically "alone."



I think it also has to do with the situation that cause the single parenthood. I experienced it from the ******* stand point. I'm sure if someones parent was to die, they would experience sympathy, were as a divorced parent would experience ridicule.



Quote:
Originally Posted by Sevenseas View Post

I believe that kids shouldn't really be raised by any parents at all, but at the age of 1,5 years they should be taken under the care of a team of dance teachers who would then start a rigid educational program lasting until the kids become 20, teaching them to dance really well to various bossa nova records from the years 1960-64.



With some parents, I do think that would be preferable.



Quote:
Originally Posted by havocjohn View Post

simple answer, you learn things from your mother and you learn different things from your father.



Yes, from my mother I learned tolerance and kindness. From my father I learned it's okay to lie, cheat and hurt others to get ahead in life. He's one of those, "oh, he seems so nice and caring. I bet he makes a great dad," types too unless you know him better. Having both biological parents in your life isn't always the best thing for the child.
Simply_Love is offline  
#18 Old 07-14-2009, 03:09 PM
Herbivorous Urchin
 
River's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 9,717
Quote:
Originally Posted by MrFalafel View Post

You say you were raised only by your father and yet you now insist you are an expert in how kids are raised by both mother and father? How did you acquire this wisdom while only raised by your father?



I don't insist I'm an expert on anything, My main (and ignored point, I don't think I expressed it right) point is that there is a very large group of "A child needs a mother and a father" people that really can't say that accurately. I loving mother and father is wonderful, as is a loving single parent. All my childhood I've gotten "A child needs a mother and a father" and when they find out i've been raised by my father, I get some pittied look or a look of amazement that I got dressed in the morning with two of the same shoes on.



You can infinitely benefit from both experiences, because both have their pros and cons. When I made this thread, I was already annoyed by a woman at work who went at me for like thirty minutes, and then a post on another thread. So when I came down to posting, I was very annoyed.

Quote:
"You will always be fond of me. I represent to you all the sins you never had the courage to commit.”
Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray
River is offline  
#19 Old 07-14-2009, 03:28 PM
Banned
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 7,160
I think I would be a more rounded, better adjusted person if I had been bought up by two parents. I don't think that's the case for all people, it thoroughly depends on the parents in question. It sounds like your single dad did an amazing job of bringing you up, my single mother ruined my self-confidence and has caused me some serious issues. Maybe if she had been happy, and in a loving relationship, she would have known how to show me some love and wouldn't have needed to make me miserable too.
Earthling is offline  
#20 Old 07-14-2009, 03:32 PM
Herbivorous Urchin
 
River's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 9,717
Quote:
Originally Posted by WorzelGummidge View Post

I think I would be a more rounded, better adjusted person if I had been bought up by two parents. I don't think that's the case for all people, it thoroughly depends on the parents in question. It sounds like your single dad did an amazing job of bringing you up, my single mother ruined my self-confidence and has caused me some serious issues. Maybe if she had been happy, and in a loving relationship, she would have known how to show me some love and wouldn't have needed to make me miserable too.



Thats sad No, my dad always gave me love... Pretty much between the ages of 0 and 10 I was in a constant hug, and after that I thought I was too cool for hugs. He was great, when I was little between like seven and thirteen, I'd have to walkie home every ten or so minutes so he'd know I was safe. He's an amazing person, I hope if I ever have a kid I could be half as good as him.





I hope if you have kids, or if you already do, you'll be amazing since you know what you missed on

Quote:
"You will always be fond of me. I represent to you all the sins you never had the courage to commit.”
Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray
River is offline  
#21 Old 07-14-2009, 04:44 PM
Veggie Regular
 
Princess Peach's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 703
Quote:
Originally Posted by LyricGaia View Post


You can infinitely benefit from both experiences, because both have their pros and cons. When I made this thread, I was already annoyed by a woman at work who went at me for like thirty minutes, and then a post on another thread. So when I came down to posting, I was very annoyed.



I read your initial post as promoting single parents as better than double(?? what do you call them?) parents.
Princess Peach is offline  
#22 Old 07-14-2009, 04:45 PM
Banned
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 717
Quote:
I think I would be a more rounded, better adjusted person if I had been bought up by two parents.



I think Lyric has a point. Aside from the actual work and resources raising a child requires, wouldn't 3, 4 or 5 parents be better than 2 if 2 is necessarily preferable to 1?
African_Prince is offline  
#23 Old 07-14-2009, 04:47 PM
Veggie Regular
 
Princess Peach's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 703
Quote:
Originally Posted by African_Prince View Post

I think Lyric has a point. Aside from the actual work and resources raising a child requires, wouldn't 3, 4 or 5 parents be better than 2 if 2 is necessarily preferable to 1?



That is the concept of the old fashioned "extended family" and "it takes a village to raise a child" ideas. A child has only one birth mother and father but needs many elders that it can respect.
Princess Peach is offline  
#24 Old 07-14-2009, 06:32 PM
Herbivorous Urchin
 
River's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 9,717
Quote:
Originally Posted by Princess Peach View Post

I read your initial post as promoting single parents as better than double(?? what do you call them?) parents.



I was mostly just angry, I think both experiances have their values. I'm just annoyed how one seems to be thought of as more difficult, or less gratifying for the child.







but mostly I was angry >.>

Quote:
"You will always be fond of me. I represent to you all the sins you never had the courage to commit.”
Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray
River is offline  
#25 Old 07-14-2009, 06:34 PM
Veggie Regular
 
Skylark's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Posts: 15,684
Quote:
Originally Posted by LyricGaia View Post

I was mostly just angry, I think both experiances have their values. I'm just annoyed how one seems to be thought of as more difficult, or less gratifying for the child.







but mostly I was angry >.>



Well, something all people should learn, regardless of childhood or family structure, is how to channel their anger and not take it out on the wrong people.

Q: How many poets does it take to change a light bulb? A: 1001...one to change the bulb, 1000 to say it's already been done.
Skylark is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the VeggieBoards forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in


Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off