Uugggghh (indecent proposal)! - VeggieBoards
Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
#1 Old 09-18-2008, 10:28 AM
Veggie Regular
 
Elanor's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 274
I find that when I write things out, I can more easily let them go. But this time, I need a little bit more help...



Something happened this morning that has me mad and scared and feeling very very violated.



I went for a run early this morning at the crack of dawn (I usually wait until later, but I was feeling extra earnest today. I left at the same time my husband left for work and he's looking around saying, "It's dark out. You should wait til later."

But I was going to run at the harbor where many people exercise. And yes, there were a lot of people out, just like I said. I did have my ipod on, but at a low volume so that I could be aware of my surroundings.



When I was jogging by a man, he said, in a low, monotone voice,

"Wanna f-*k?"

I just kept going by and pretended not to hear him, but after a few paces, all these emotions popped up. I was mad, I felt violated, and I wanted to stick up for myself SO BAD! As I said before, there were people around, though kind of at a distance. He found a perfect opportunity there, as I happened to be the only one around at that very moment. I even was looking for a large tree branch or rock, so that I could go back and ask, "What did you say to me?" and imagined him sheepishly saying, "Nothing." To which I'd reply, "Yeah-- I thought so."



But I'm glad I didn't exchange any further energy with him!



But I couldn't even do my whole run. I felt like my power was taken from me by an energy-vampire-pervert. My legs felt wobbly, and although I ran on and attempted to look and feel strong, my breath was shallow and raspy. I was very conscious of telling myself, "Take your power back. Put it back where it belongs. You're ok. You're safe."



Anyways, I feel violated. It was a very weird feeling to be out in my neighborhood, near my home, doing something that I love, and feel unsafe, and preyed upon. When I got home, I immediately locked the door. It was just my instinct.



For those of you who have read this entire, long entry, thank you. As I said before, it helps me to write things out. But I decided to bring this here to the VB community since so many are so supportive. Will I feel better tomorrow? Any exercises you've used to "harness your power and put it back where it belongs?"
Elanor is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
#2 Old 09-18-2008, 10:37 AM
Veggie Regular
 
LadyFaile's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2001
Posts: 7,691
ugh that's just nasty. sorry you had to face something like that.

i've been there, i had a guy expose himself to me when i was walking home alone. even though nothing happened and i got home safe and sound, locked the door and called the police and never saw the guy again, i still felt really creeped out and had a thousand thoughts running through my head for weeks of what if he followed me home what if he attacked me what if what if etc etc. all you can do is make sure it never will happen if you're ever in that situation again. i really wanted to take a self defense class at that time but couldn't afford to. i started carrying my keys in my hand when i walked alone so if i had to i could scratch someone with them and ran through my head how i would react and how i would escape, what my next move would be etc so if it did happen i wouldn't freeze and be too shocked to act. basically just said i'm not going to be a victim and believed it. i also got rides home from coworkers whenever i could after that.

I'm singin' here to get rid of fear
Hope it disappears right here with the rain
But I know life is pain, not like a fairytale
Meaningless to pray, so just goin' on my way
~Miyavi "Torture"
LadyFaile is offline  
#3 Old 09-18-2008, 11:40 AM
Veggie Regular
 
Elanor's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 274
Thank You, Lady. Yes, unfortunately this does happen to a lot of women-- and worse! I can't even imagine! A couple men have exposed themselves in the past to me as well, and I did call the police. Basically, all the police could ask were, "Which hand did he use? Did you get a license plate #? Description?" And of course, I just walked away both times as fast as I could and my mind just basically erased it. What's extra creepy is how normal some perverts can look!! I mean, this guy was just out for a morning stroll with a cup of coffee and then his voice and what he said just scrambled my whole brain!



You know, as I'm writing this, I'm remembering something. There was a dog there, too, although he belonged to another man that was strolling up a ways, but that dog turned and was kind of sniffing around in between me and the pervert, and the dog was looking up at me, so my attention was able to focus on the dog. I didn't have to look at the man in the eyes, since the dog took my attention. The more I think about it, that dog was a little guardian angel.



Anyways, I'm sorry you had to go through a similar experience, too. I'm sorry that so many women face this and worse. We should all believe at the core of our souls that we will not be violated and victimized by this! Pepper spray will always be with me now!
Elanor is offline  
#4 Old 09-18-2008, 01:22 PM
Newbie
 
Just Jess's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 67
I used to walk my dogs at 4:30am when it was still dark. It's so hot here in Vegas, they cant go out during the day in the summer. One time this guy kept driving by in a creepy truck. He never said anything, but that was enough to make me stop. =(
Just Jess is offline  
#5 Old 09-18-2008, 01:28 PM
Newbie
 
Just Jess's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 67
I used to walk my dogs at 4:30am when it was still dark. It's so hot here in Vegas, they cant go out during the day in the summer. One time this guy kept driving by in a creepy truck. He never said anything, but that was enough to make me stop. =(
Just Jess is offline  
#6 Old 09-18-2008, 01:32 PM
Veggie Regular
 
hollywoodveg's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Posts: 1,591
That is terrible, you must have been so scared. I'm so sorry.
hollywoodveg is offline  
#7 Old 09-18-2008, 03:01 PM
Veggie Regular
 
Elanor's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 274
Thanks. It's been a weird day, although I am feeling better.

I still feel like I have my guard up though. What I mean is, when I went to TJs and men who work there would say 'hi,' I said hi back, but not as friendly as usual. It's just still so fresh, that's all.



Anyways, I'm not going to put any more energy into it. I was writing in my journal while at the laundromat and something interesting came out. I wrote:



"And while I was walking home, I was thinking about how perverse, self-conscious- self loathing, cruel, and afraid our culture can be. That's why that man preyed upon me while nobody was looking or particularly nearby. While I was running-- a strong, beautiful, powerful woman with legs, heart, and lungs pumping. It was some sort of an expressive threat to him and he felt the need to degrade it with his ugliness. To come up against it and degrade it with all HE knew. I feel an incredible need to be present EACH and EVERY moment. If I had practiced this then -mere hours ago- I would've been better off. I'm learning. (self-hug)
Elanor is offline  
#8 Old 09-18-2008, 03:04 PM
DNK
Veggie Regular
 
DNK's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 486
You know those weights people use when they jog sometimes? Mace bottles work just as well. No one will ask for sex when you're holding two cans of bear mace in your hands.



But, seriously, I always bring the Mace with me. And I'm a guy. Why women don't is beyond me, especially when they're jogging. Some messed up people out there.



I had a similar thing happen to me. I was in the woods, walking along some back trail. It looked like rain so I headed back, and then some tall man comes up to me and asks me if I wanted a blowjob. I say no and just keep walking, he asks again and I just brush him off. It wasn't very pleasant, and I'm a lot less inclined to walk down random paths in the woods now. But I felt a lot safer because I was prepared if he tried anything on me.



And why'd it have to be a guy? Just my luck...
DNK is offline  
#9 Old 09-18-2008, 03:08 PM
Newbie
 
GhostUser's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 0
That is a horrible thing to happen to you Elanor and to the others that had similar experiences. There really are some strange people out there and it makes you feel unsafe when you hear about things like that.
GhostUser is offline  
#10 Old 09-18-2008, 03:38 PM
DNK
Veggie Regular
 
DNK's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 486
Missed your response.



If he was just doing it to be disrespectful, well, there's not much you can do about that. A lot of people don't respect a lot of other people, and direct confrontations don't necessarily change that. It sounds like you're building him up to be the weakest thing in the world, and there's a good chance he's not really weak in the ways you're painting him to be.



It's just your response seems very pride-fueled, and I don't think that's the healthiest way to approach this. These things happen, that's all. Be thankful he had the restraint to keep it to just words, and you didn't have to find yourself in a wholly different situation. I would bring some form of protection in the future, but have some restraint yourself and reserve it only for actually aggressive and violent situations. It seems like you were very quick to want to use violent threats against him. Assaulting someone with a weapon for making a lewd comment isn't any more appropriate than making the comment. It's really a whole lot less appropriate.



And it's more dangerous for you. If he was really being that disrespectful and you tried threatening him with physical force, he might have gotten violent himself. Really, what you should be more aware of is the possible danger not to your ego but to your body. In the future, just walking away is the best bet. Really, it's just one guy's opinion. Not worth it.
DNK is offline  
#11 Old 09-18-2008, 05:45 PM
Veggie Regular
 
Elanor's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 274
DNK-- Thanks for the first message-- I appreciate it and it was interesting to me that guys confront this problem, too. I'm sorry you were approached in the woods.



I don't understand your second message though.



I did mention in my original post that I did not want to exchange any further energy with him. And as far as "building him up" goes, that was actually my way of dealing with the situation in my journal.



I just don't understand your second message.
Elanor is offline  
#12 Old 09-18-2008, 06:18 PM
Banned
 
Join Date: Oct 2001
Posts: 10,763
DNK: "Really, what you should be more aware of is the possible danger not to your ego but to your body. In the future, just walking away is the best bet. Really, it's just one guy's opinion. "



Huh? That is exactly what she said she did.



Elanor, in regard to the scenario you imagined, where you walk back and say ""What did you say to me?", I think that most likely, instead of saying "nothing," he would have repeated his original question. So while the scenario may have helped you feel better, and there is nothing wrong with thinking of these scenarios, it would seem to me that actually acting it out might not be a good idea. But - I figure you probably know that already.



yes, stuff like this happens to men also, tho I think probably not as frequently as it happens to "strong, beautiful, powerful... [women] with legs, heart, and lungs pumping." And we may be more likely to feel discomfort, and alert vigilance, when a male says it to us, rather than outrage. However when women say such things to us - which happens occasionally too - we are likely to be simply amused. Women seem less likely to use the f-word. They say things like "hey hotstuff, you want a date?" Or come up with original lines, such as the time I was walking down the street eating a candy bar, and a woman said "hey sweetie, you got a candy bar for me?"
soilman is offline  
#13 Old 09-18-2008, 10:09 PM
Veggie Regular
 
Elanor's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 274
Soilman-- Thank You, my dear sir!
Elanor is offline  
#14 Old 09-19-2008, 08:21 AM
Veggie Regular
 
sallyomally's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Posts: 4,483
I'm so sorry you had to go through this sweetie. I can understand the urge to go back, it would have been great to have turned around with a giant baseball bat or a very large aggressive dog,wouldn't it? These type of individuals feed off of our reactions,so he probably went to get his jollies from someone else.

I hope you're feeling better today.
sallyomally is offline  
#15 Old 09-19-2008, 08:55 AM
Veggie Regular
 
froggythefrog's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2004
Posts: 9,260
I think you definitely handled it the best way possible.



The difference in the genders, as Soilman was pointing out, is very interesting. A prostitute hit me up on the bike trail one day. I wasn't directly threatened. I just tried to get out of the situation as fast and gracefully as I could, and left hoping this was not what the bike trail was becoming! When a male does something like this, it's often a sign of aggression.



I do hope you feel better today.
froggythefrog is offline  
#16 Old 09-19-2008, 10:52 AM
Banned
 
Join Date: Oct 2001
Posts: 10,763
froggie "The difference in the genders, as Soilman was pointing out, is very interesting. A prostitute hit me up on the bike trail one day. I wasn't directly threatened. I just tried to... "



Interesting that when a woman makes this kind of direct-language communication, we can generally assume she is looking to make a sex-for-money deal, and a busy hooker, that is, actually pulling off (excuse the expression) many such successful deals, and when a man does it, we generally assume he is a horny dude, with few actual "dates," a consequence of his offensive manners.



In other words, we tend to assume that such solicitions don't work out successfully for men who make them, but work out successfully for women who make them.



Imagine if a man were to say to a passing woman "you want a candy bar?"; then imagine a woman saying to a passing man "you got a candy bar for me?" We would assume very different responses, and very different results. Even if the man were to say this to the very same woman who has been busy all day asking for candy bars.
soilman is offline  
#17 Old 09-19-2008, 10:56 PM
Veggie Regular
 
SomebodyElse's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a California Ghost Town
Posts: 7,245
Quote:
Originally Posted by Elanor View Post


so that I could go back and ask, "What did you say to me?" and imagined him sheepishly saying, "Nothing." To which I'd reply, "Yeah-- I thought so."

I did that once, only because I wasn't sure I heard him right, and he just repeated himself more loudly and clearly. I said no of course, and kind of laughed at him, and he actually followed me home. He was on a motorcycle, and kept pace with me while I walked along and ignored him. I don't know why I wasn't scared, but I wasn't.







Quote:
Originally Posted by Elanor View Post

Any exercises you've used to "harness your power and put it back where it belongs?"

No, not really. After a while you get used to it, and it doesn't mean much. I'm sorry it upset you so badly. I don't know why some people act like that, except for the entertainment value of startling and offending someone.

www.thesaucyvegan.com
SomebodyElse is offline  
#18 Old 09-20-2008, 12:52 AM
DNK
Veggie Regular
 
DNK's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 486
I quite assumed that the guy in the woods got regular "yes"s. I figure there are plenty of "gay spots" out there I don't know about, or maybe it's just a Hollywood myth. That's why I wasn't too upset over it. He wasn't being aggressive. But generally I agree that the average guy that so propositions women probably gets turned down.







Elanor,

The "ego-body" comment was over you stating that you wanted to go back and threaten him with a weapon and confront him - bad idea, obviously. Really, that shouldn't be an acceptable reaction. One needs to control these feelings, because at times they can take over. Ever mindful of the dangers; that is not a probable or healthy fantasy, although it is natural.



And my point was to not build him up. It's an issue of personal development: if you weaken reality so as to make yourself stronger, you are building up a hollow self. It's a long-term issue, but something that needs to be considered at every major junction. Emotional decisions - and that point is just one part of this - we make in response to significant experiences can define a part of us well into the future, perhaps indefinitely, and we should be careful about how and why we make those decisions. It will shortly become subconscious and a learned response, a schema you will apply more broadly than this specific instance possibly. I just want to make sure you are mindful of these issues, but I am really not sure what is going on across the lines here, so I'm just stating it as a general caution.



And the ego comments were based around that as well. If the issue was truly his feeling threatened, combating that with a personal buildup of ego is only going to feed into and perpetuate the system that created the culture that created him: sexism, personal pride, etc. I'm not sure you actually felt/said this, but again cautionary information.



Anyway, this aside, I am sorry for what happened. We should at least expect more of the average person.
DNK is offline  
#19 Old 09-20-2008, 01:43 AM
Veggie Regular
 
jAded's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Posts: 1,486
It's awful when that happens. I remember when I was only about 17, waiting for my tram one evening, a guy came up to me and asked me if I was "working". I had no idea what he was talking about, until he put his hand on my shoulder and then I bolted.
jAded is offline  
#20 Old 09-23-2008, 07:36 PM
Veggie Regular
 
Chrysalis's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 3,101
I'm sorry that happened to you. One time I was at a crowded mall with a friend and this random guy grabbed my ass then kept walking like nothing had happened. I was so startled and angry I didn't know what to do. When I look back, I really should have yelled at him and gotten attention from the people around us so he'd be embarrased, and then told a security guard what happened. But I didn't. I just tried to shrug it off, when really I should have at least told security about it.



But in your situation, I think you made the right choice to keep running.

It's not in what you say, it's in what you do (Oasis)

Feeling bored? Why don't you wander over to my blog sometime. http://thebohemiankitchen.wordpress.com
Chrysalis is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the VeggieBoards forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in


Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off