Would You Say Rape? - VeggieBoards
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#1 Old 03-07-2006, 07:34 PM
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This is a very sensitive topic for some people and if somebody is offended I am terribly sorry but I need an opinion. Something happened, and I want to know if you would consider it rape or not. I think no, but others tell me yes.



Alright so this is what happened (PS I'm 19). There was this VERY attractive and charming 30 year old that I worked with. We would talk occasionally but I would always get girly-nervous and giddy when he came around. Now, I ended up leaving that job (was working in a store and that job). He showed up at the store and heavily flirted. How could I resist? We exchanged phone numbers.



We talked on the phone for a few days, and I noticed something was a little bit odd (he was very conceited and very controlling) but then he'd say something else in his manipulative ways and I'd be hooked again. One day I didn't have any plans so I called him up and went over to his house. Stupid on my part. Before I know it, things have happened. I realize I don't want this and I have to get home anyway so I tell him to stop and get off me. His reply was to smile at me, say no, and keep going. I tried to push him off of me but he was to strong and held me down, and fed off my nervousness and timid nature. He finally stopped and I was able to call a cab, but then he grabbed my arm and wouldn't let go of me until I promised him I would see him again. So, what could I do? At the point of him saying no to me telling him to get off me, I did whatever he wanted just to get out of there. As I was leaving he told me he loved me in a joking tone, and now those words are ruined for me.



I see how some people would consider this a rape, but my way of viewing it is that it was my stupid fault to begin with, and I consented to it until the last while. I know I am at fault for it. However it still really bothers me to this day (this was about a month or so ago) and he goes to bars to pick up drunk teenagers. Last time my friends were at the bar he had a conversation with them (and he knows they are my friends). This alone sickens me.



What to do? I don't know why I'm even telling all of you this, I guess I'm just looking for somebody who understand or some kind of support. Which is stupid, because it was my own fault.
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#2 Old 03-07-2006, 08:08 PM
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You said to stop; he didn't. That's the definition of rape right there.
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#3 Old 03-07-2006, 08:13 PM
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Sounds like a classic case of date rape to me...



Have you talked to him since?
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#4 Old 03-07-2006, 08:14 PM
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I can't say it any better than Mskedi.



I would not talk to him any more, but I would persue prosecution. He may have raped other women as well.
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#5 Old 03-07-2006, 08:17 PM
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((hugs)) hun, it was rape. You said stop. You didn't want it to happen. I've btdt, and know from experience that trying to shift blame onto ourselves is to make it hurt less. "if only I'd said somthing more" "if only I'd done something different".... but the truth is, he would have done this no matter what you said or did. He's dispicible, and you need to go to the authorities. Especially if it happened recently, they'll want to collect any evidence that remains, and take your statement, and hopefully they'll prosecute his ******* ass. (sorry... hits close to home)



In my case it was a family member... and I was very very young. And I blamed myself for years and years and never knew why I always felt something was wrong with me... Eventually I came to the realisation that it was NOT my fault, and nobody was to blame but HIM. I was very very angry for a very long time, and it took a LOT to really get close to guys. (my husband is the only person I've ever been with, as a result... and it took a lot of patience on his part to even get this far)



Anyway, I'm really really sorry this happened. I know how painful it can be. but please PLEASE know that THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. You did NOTHING wrong. Trusting someone is not wrong. What he did is beyond words and he needs to be held accountable for it.



(((hugs))) and if you need to talk, just buzz me. (pm, email, whatever)~ It's so hard to try and talk about it with someone who hasn't been there~ I remember, in the back of my mind was the "you say it but you don't KNOW..." it's just not the same.



Age has nothing to do with it. He took advantage of you. I'd call the police immediately.
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#6 Old 03-07-2006, 08:17 PM
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((hugs)) hun, it was rape. You said stop. You didn't want it to happen. I've btdt, and know from experience that trying to shift blame onto ourselves is to make it hurt less. "if only I'd said somthing more" "if only I'd done something different".... but the truth is, he would have done this no matter what you said or did. He's dispicible, and you need to go to the authorities. Especially if it happened recently, they'll want to collect any evidence that remains, and take your statement, and hopefully they'll prosecute his ******* ass. (sorry... hits close to home)



In my case it was a family member... and I was very very young. And I blamed myself for years and years and never knew why I always felt something was wrong with me... Eventually I came to the realisation that it was NOT my fault, and nobody was to blame but HIM. I was very very angry for a very long time, and it took a LOT to really get close to guys. (my husband is the only person I've ever been with, as a result... and it took a lot of patience on his part to even get this far)



Anyway, I'm really really sorry this happened. I know how painful it can be. but please PLEASE know that THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. You did NOTHING wrong. Trusting someone is not wrong. What he did is beyond words and he needs to be held accountable for it.



(((hugs))) and if you need to talk, just buzz me. (pm, email, whatever)~ It's so hard to try and talk about it with someone who hasn't been there~ I remember, in the back of my mind was the "you say it but you don't KNOW..." it's just not the same.



Age has nothing to do with it. He took advantage of you. I'd call the police immediately.
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#7 Old 03-07-2006, 08:18 PM
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I agree with everyone else.
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#8 Old 03-07-2006, 08:22 PM
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Please, please get help right away. It's hard for you to process what has happened because you're so close to it. Instead of calling the police right away, please call RAINN first (the Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network). They have a free hotline with trained people who will help you figure out what to do next and how to go about getting help and contacting the authorities.



1.800.656.HOPE



It's 24/7, free, and completely confidential. Please phone them and tell them exactly what happened.
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#9 Old 03-07-2006, 08:33 PM
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Medesha~ very good idea. Police can be a bit blunt and not as easy to talk to~



Whoever you call, please do call someone!!! It's so important that he not get away with this... and that you get the help you need~
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#10 Old 03-07-2006, 08:34 PM
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From a male perspective. When you said no and tried to leave the guy should have stopped and based on what you are saying your date became date rape.



I would suggest contacting your local pd, call or go to the office and speak with a detective not a uniformed patrolman; also if available in your area one of the women's groups that deal with rape victims.
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#11 Old 03-07-2006, 08:37 PM
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If you said no it's rape, period. You could tear off his clothes and throw him on the bed and then change your mind and it would still be rape if he forced himself onto you. It's not your fault, no one ever asks to be raped. Most rapes are committed by someone you know.



Most rapists rape more than once. You have the choice about whether you want to tell the authorities or not, but if you do then the sooner the better because they need evidence. If you decide not to now, and then change your mind later you can still talk to the authorities. They wouldn't be able to put him in jail most likely, but if someone else has another issue with him then it would help. There's also an issue of protection. If he didn't use a condom then they can give you a morning after pill and test you for STDs. You have a lot of choices at this point, but whether or not you want to press charges against him you need to take care of yourself.



You can call 1-800-656-HOPE and that will get you to the nearest registered crisis center and they can help you more, or just talk to you about your options. You can also PM or IM me if you want to talk. Youre not alone, and there is help for you.
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#12 Old 03-07-2006, 08:46 PM
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Thanks everybody but I'm afraid I've already waited to long. It was weeks ago now. However I have some older friends that I told and they've gotten him banned from all but three bars. He is about to be banned from another. (He is apparently known for going to bars at 1 am or near closing and hitting on drunk young women).



It just sickens me that he's now going to the bars and talking to my friends. I want him to stay away from me and anybody I know (PS. This bar-time with my friends is on Minors Nights! Where they let in kids 14 or 16 and up). The fact that he even had the nerve to show his face at this bar on a minors night infuriates me.
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#13 Old 03-07-2006, 08:50 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by anything_animal View Post

Thanks everybody but I'm afraid I've already waited to long. It was weeks ago now. However I have some older friends that I told and they've gotten him banned from all but three bars. He is about to be banned from another. (He is apparently known for going to bars at 1 am or near closing and hitting on drunk young women).



It just sickens me that he's now going to the bars and talking to my friends. I want him to stay away from me and anybody I know (PS. This bar-time with my friends is on Minors Nights! Where they let in kids 14 or 16 and up). The fact that he even had the nerve to show his face at this bar on a minors night infuriates me.

I don't think it is too late; if nothing else call the 1800 number posted and find out if you have any legal recourse and or just talk to someone that might be able to offer some kind of support.
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#14 Old 03-07-2006, 09:00 PM
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everyone gave great advice, I just want to add one thing.



This guy is a predator. He is counting on the fact that you and other women will not go to the cops because you feel it is your fault because you went to his house, or because you drank to much or whatever.



He manipulated you into being there. he knows that by doing that or picking drunk girls up at closing he has more of a chance of getting away with it because the victim won't go to the cops, either because they don't want to be veiwed as stupid or weak or they are ashamed. he's not stupid, but he is dangerous. I hope you change your mind about pressing charges, and either way maybe get some counseling for yourself.
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#15 Old 03-07-2006, 09:05 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by anything_animal View Post

Thanks everybody but I'm afraid I've already waited to long. It was weeks ago now. However I have some older friends that I told and they've gotten him banned from all but three bars. He is about to be banned from another. (He is apparently known for going to bars at 1 am or near closing and hitting on drunk young women).



It just sickens me that he's now going to the bars and talking to my friends. I want him to stay away from me and anybody I know (PS. This bar-time with my friends is on Minors Nights! Where they let in kids 14 or 16 and up). The fact that he even had the nerve to show his face at this bar on a minors night infuriates me.

I wanted to add; your 19 yrs old this will be an incident you will never forget.



If you don't deal with it now eventually you will have to deal with it and when that time comes you may regret you never did anything when you had the chance.
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#16 Old 03-07-2006, 09:07 PM
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Even 5 years after the fact you can still put a report in. I'd go while it's fresh in my mind... or write it down, at the very least. When you feel ready, go and give them the information.



I never did.... and wish now that I'd been able to do something. It's been too long now and nothing can be done even if I wanted something to happen. (there's something like a 10 year limit on these types of cases)



And like everyone else is saying, even if it's just for YOU, talking to someone helps.
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#17 Old 03-07-2006, 09:10 PM
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If you file a report they might be able to help the other people who he's targeting - and it sounds like he is targeting others. The authorities can't stop him if they don't know what he's doing.



I really hope that you'll consider calling them up for your own sake. I don't want you to feel pressured into reporting him - it's your decision. But I do hope you'll get the STD testing, and look into counseling. This isn't something that anyone should have to deal with alone.
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#18 Old 03-07-2006, 09:14 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mskedi View Post

You said to stop; he didn't. That's the definition of rape right there.

She's right. It's rape, and you need to report him!
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#19 Old 03-07-2006, 09:32 PM
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Thanks everybody. There's just so much going on right now. I had gotten back together with my ex shortly after all of the above happened, because I turned to him for support and help. That ended up in him thinking we were exclusive again and a pregnancy. The pregnancy ended in miscarriage. My other ex is telling me that he's turned to drugs and alcohol and is miserable and has nothing to live for etc.



It's all just to much right now. I appreciate the advice and I will report him, but I don't know that the cops here do very much. Either at least I would have tried right? Thank you.
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#20 Old 03-07-2006, 09:48 PM
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That's so hard... all this at once I also lost a pregnancy to miscarraige, and it's so hard... again, I just hope you can talk to someone who can help~ and if you need to talk, or just vent about whatever, I am around~ I know I'm new here and nobody really knows me yet, but it's never good to go through any of this alone~
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#21 Old 03-07-2006, 09:50 PM
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That sounds like a lot to deal with. I hope things get better for you soon. Let us know how things work out okay?
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#22 Old 03-07-2006, 11:39 PM
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Its alyz never too late to report a rape. Sounds like this could be a guy who raped another girl unreported or perhaps an unsolved case with an unidentified rapist.



Do it as soon as possible. Police officers will help you through this.



However, by law, you're an adult, and its entirely up to you to report it or not. It'll only make you feel better if you do.



If he's a danger to your life, then get a restraining order.



My heart goes out to you.. I hope you feel better soon!
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#23 Old 03-08-2006, 12:00 AM
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Im sorry that happened to you. There is not much more I can add that has not already been said. No means no. He was WAY out of line. From what happened to you and his tendency of picking up drunken teenagers he sounds like a sexual predator to me.



Medesha suggestion seems like the way to go I think.
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#24 Old 03-08-2006, 06:07 PM
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It isn't too late. You can still report it. It sounds like you need someone you can trust to talk to and sort out your emotions. Please get help.
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#25 Old 03-08-2006, 08:03 PM
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I think if there isn't intercourse it isn't technically considered rape, it's considered sexual assault, but nonetheless it isn't legal and it is traumatic.

http://megatarian.blogspot.com
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#26 Old 03-09-2006, 09:44 AM
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Oh there was definately intercourse. We were already having intercourse when I told him to stop and tried to push him off, etc. I thought I would be able to desensitize myself from the situation and let it go but obviously I can't and it really bothers me that he's still able to go anywhere with people around lol. Argh, I just don't know.
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#27 Old 03-09-2006, 09:51 AM
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It seems to me that you are trying to convince yourself that it didn't happen, or that it isn't worth reporting.



For your sake -- and the sake of others -- you should let the police know. Like you said, he may be doing this to other girls too and they are too scared to say anything. You can't blame yourself.



If you don't report it, you may regret it in the future. By reporting it, you can ease your mind and hopefully prevent him from doing it to others. You have to be strong and know that what he did to you wasn't right and that it absolutely wasn't your fault. Don't let your mind play tricks on you, no matter how hard you try to convince yourself, you were violated and he needs to know that he can't keep doing this to women -- especially teenagers.
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#28 Old 03-09-2006, 10:06 AM
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not rape unless he raped you but it was unlawful imprisonment if you tried to leave and he wouldn't let you.



nothing would ever hold up in court though imo.



why are you asking this question? are you considering filing charges or just want something to call it?



edit: n/m i just read where you said you were indeed having intercourse.
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#29 Old 03-09-2006, 10:12 AM
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Originally Posted by anything_animal View Post

Oh there was definately intercourse. We were already having intercourse when I told him to stop and tried to push him off, etc. I thought I would be able to desensitize myself from the situation and let it go but obviously I can't and it really bothers me that he's still able to go anywhere with people around lol. Argh, I just don't know.



well if you told him to stop after you started then it was rape after that point in time, but it was consentual sex up until that point in time imo



it's a very weird situation



if a girl came to my house and we started to 'get it on' i know i wouldn't really pause to get verbal permission beforehand, but if she gave the slightest hint that she wanted to discontinue i'd hop off quick as could be.



but since you willingly went to his house, and there were no witnesses, unless the guy's got a history of sexual abuse, the case would not have a chance in hell in a courtroom imo, but you could always file the report and then not take it to court...i think then at least they'd have it in their records if another incident came up
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#30 Old 03-09-2006, 11:15 AM
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I wouldn't file charges, I would just report it. From what I've heard (from him) his ex pulled a knife on him and tried to kill him, and it ended in him hitting her so she would "pass out and leave him alone." I thought this story was strange.. I mean her friend was going to report it but he told her not to, or she would go up as attempted murder. Now, if she did something like this I figure there had to be a reason. Anyway I guess that isn't really relevent. I'm sure he's been reported before, it's only a matter of time I think.
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