Originally Posted by Tommy Gun XM radio doesn't have commercials, so after like thirty minutes of listening to it, I'm like, "What-should-I-buyyy?"
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much you play, You'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're ****ing relentless.
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.
I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a lady who would be really mad if she heard me say that.
I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
All quotes from the late, awesome, Mitch Hedberg. I could go on and on....
They're funnier when he says them, though, because his delivery alone is hilarious.
Ah another Mitch fan. Too bad he died reciently.
More good stuff from him:
"I was walking by a drycleaner at 3 AM and there was a sign that said, "Sorry, we're closed." You don't have to be sorry. It's 3 AM and you're a drycleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna come by at 10 and say, "Hey, I was here at 3 AM and you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology. This jacket would be halfway done!""
"I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've travelled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so that it will not fall off the wall."
"Foosball ****ed up my perception of soccer. I thought you had to kick the ball and then spin 'round and round. I can't do a back flip, much less several...simultaneously with two other guys... that look exactly like me."
"On a traffic light, green means "go" and yellow means "yield," but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means "hold on," yellow means "go ahead," and red means "Where the **** did you get that banana?""
"What's a sesame seed grow into? I don't know we never give them a chance. What the **** is a sesame?! It's a street. It's a way to open ****."
"I was in downtown Boise, Idaho, and I saw a duck, and I knew the duck was lost, 'cause ducks ain't s'posed to be downtown. There's nothin' for 'em there. So I went to a Subway sandwich shop, I said, "Let me have a bun." But she wouldn't sell me just the bun, she said that I had to have something on it. She told me it's against regulations for Subway to sell just the bun. I guess the two halves ain't supposed to touch. So I said, "Alright, well, put some lettuce on it," which she did. She said, "That'll be $1.75." I said, "It's for a duck." And they said, "All right, well, that is free." See, I did not know that. Ducks eat for free at Subway! Had I known that, I would have ordered a much larger sandwich. "Let me have the Steak Fajita Sub - but don't bother ringing it up, it's for a duck! There are six ducks out there, and they all want Sun Chips!""