Write an Open Letter to a Subject of Your Choice - VeggieBoards
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#1 Old 11-29-2009, 07:08 PM
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Example:



Dear members of the opposite sex,



Why must you be so difficult to talk to? I don't know what all of you are collectively doing to make me nervous around you, but I don't like it very much. Talking to girls shouldn't be this difficult. Please tell me how to talk to you.



Love,

Robert
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#2 Old 11-29-2009, 07:10 PM
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Dear Tom Cruise,



I appreciate your memorable and less memorable performances on the big screen. You are certainly a Hollywood icon, and I think you did a fairly good job in A Few Good Men and Magnolia, for example.



However, please just die.



Cheerio,

SS

"and I stand

upon a mountain

made of weak and useless men"

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#3 Old 11-29-2009, 07:24 PM
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Dear Cats,



I love you. You get excited when I come home from work. You make me feel better when I've had a bad day. Just watching you run around like crazy critters makes me smile.



Just one thing. Why won't you stay off the counters and out of the sink? They are not for you. I got you a cat treehouse, remember? The big green and grey thing in the living room? If you want to go UP, just play up there.



Again, thank you for all the love and joy you add to my life. Now stay out the sink and off the counter and we'll get along just fine.



Love,



Your Mom
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#4 Old 11-29-2009, 07:35 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sevenseas View Post

Dear Tom Cruise,



I appreciate your memorable and less memorable performances on the big screen. You are certainly a Hollywood icon, and I think you did a fairly good job in A Few Good Men and Magnolia, for example.



However, please just die.



Cheerio,

SS



LOL....hoot and a half.....and I have to disagree he wasnt good in any of his movies and not an icon to me....to me hes icky!!
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#5 Old 11-29-2009, 10:25 PM
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Dear Jack Russel Terriers of the neighborhood:



Stop charging at and biting my dogs. All of you. Seriously, it won't end well for you should they get tired of it. Luckily, they are quite patient with pipsqueaks.



Sincerely,



Wolfie
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#6 Old 11-30-2009, 07:23 PM
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I love these. We wrote them in my creative writing class one year. That time I wrote to Facebook. However, this time I believe I will write to:



Dear Apt Maintainence Men,

I understand that you have never seen a young female before. This is obvious, due to the fact that every time I pass by you guys, as I am walking my dog, you all find it imperative to stop and clearly stare until I am out of your view. I understand that I am different than the people that you are used to seeing (each other). However, I would really like you all to know that your behavior is highly innapropriate. Especially, the one of you who decided it was necessary to honk the lawn mower at me. Also I would like you all to know that I do in fact understand spanish perfectly. So when you are talking loudly amongst yourselves, I know exactly what you are saying. Finally, I would like to inform you all that I have mace in my pocket, as well as a brown belt in martial arts. So if you don't cease your behavior ahora mismo I am going to be forced to use them both. Muchas gracias, Me
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#7 Old 11-30-2009, 07:39 PM
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Dear Harley Davidson rider,



Quiet please.



Thank you.
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#8 Old 11-30-2009, 09:03 PM
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Dear Houston Rich People,



Having a lot of money and a fancy car doesn't mean you have the right to drive like an *******.
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#9 Old 12-01-2009, 12:41 AM
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The President

The White House

Washington, D.C. 20500



Mr. President



I sent you a very nice e-mail, which you have quite pointedly neglected to answer. In it, I very politely asked you not to escalate the war in Afghanistan. I am coming to the conclusion that you do not represent me as you should. My greatest concern now is, will your speech tonight in any way forestall or preempt the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show on CBS? I sincerely hope not. Why should I listen to a skinny bureaucrat, when I could be watching skinny lingerie models, who have more brains?



Yours most respectfully,

Don't slip in the shower,

Etc., etc.

"There is more wisdom in the song of a bird, than in the speech of a philosopher...." -Oahspe
"The thing is, you cannot judge a race. Any man who judges by the group is a pea-wit. You take men one at a time." -Buster Kilrain, The Killer Angels -Michael Shaara
"Anyone who doesn't believe in miracles isn't a realist." -Billy Wilder
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#10 Old 12-01-2009, 06:01 AM
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Dear Japanese elementary school students,



I know that you're from Japan, where women are expected to marry young, 25 at the oldest, and produce a child rapidly. We call this the Christmas Cake rule, because after 25 you're useless. But foreigners generally don't operate that way. Why do you comment that 23 is so young to be a teacher, and then immediately ask me why I don't have children? Please make up your mind. I am not a baby-producing robot.



Thanks,

Claire



PS- Stop asking me why foreigners have blue eyes. Why do you have brown eyes? Because your parents did? I thought so.
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#11 Old 12-01-2009, 06:19 AM
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Dear Universe,



Let's make 2010 an amazing year.



xoxo,

juno





Quote:
Originally Posted by rockindancer86 View Post


PS- Stop asking me why foreigners have blue eyes. Why do you have brown eyes? Because your parents did? I thought so.

Why do you have blue eyes?

Sorry, I couldn't resist.

"May all that have life be delivered from suffering."
~ Buddha
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#12 Old 12-01-2009, 09:28 AM
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dear subject,

when are u going to drag ya foul guts into 2009 & get email so i dont have to write these letter thingos anymore.

heaps of luv kal xx
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#13 Old 12-01-2009, 01:24 PM
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Dear Mean Person:



Why? Explain to me why you thought it was OK to treat me that way.

slops, gloops, and gruels.
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#14 Old 12-01-2009, 01:36 PM
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Dear Jeff Mangum,



Please reform Neutral Milk Hotel and start making music again. We miss you.



PS I promise I will protect you from the paparazzi and preserve your sanity in return for a new album. Thank you.

"If we could live happy and healthy lives without harming others... why wouldn't we?" - Edgars Mission
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#15 Old 12-01-2009, 01:54 PM
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Dear drivers of Norman, OKlahoma:



Please review your driving manual. A pedestrian crossing in the crosswalk, with a 'walk' signal, always has the right of way.

Even though you want to turn right and you need to pee or are on your phone.



I'd love it immensely if you could just do me that one favor. I'm deliciously sorry that it will take approximately 3-5 seconds for me to clear the intersection, but sometimes life goes that way.



In return, I promise I'll continue to obey traffic laws, use hand signals and be a courteous cyclist too.



Sound good?



Love you (mean it),



Brandon



PS- You don't need to drive if you live in the central part of town. It takes 5-15 minutes to get anywhere on 2 wheels.
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#16 Old 12-01-2009, 01:57 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by juno View Post

Why do you have blue eyes?

Sorry, I couldn't resist.



Haha. I should've added "and mine are green anyway, get your colors right!" I'm not a blue-eyed brunette, I'm a hazel-eyed strawberry blonde, for goodness' sake.
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#17 Old 12-01-2009, 05:24 PM
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Dear Drunk and Offensive Guy Who Lives in my Building,



You offend me every time you talk to me, because you're drunk. And you offend my friends, too. And I dont appreciate the way to leer at me when I leave my apartment or come home to it. You've kind of ruined the joy of living alone. But no more, buddy boy. Ive taken my life back. So there!



Suck an egg,

Alice

How come I love reading other people's witty signatures, but can never seem to make an awesome one for myself?! Life is hilariously cruel.
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#18 Old 12-01-2009, 07:07 PM
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(inspired by the drinking thread)



Dear smokers everywhere,



did you know you reek? It's so weird, having started something because it's so cool, and ending up indistinguishable from someone with an extremely bad body odor.



Cheerio,

SS

"and I stand

upon a mountain

made of weak and useless men"

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#19 Old 12-01-2009, 08:27 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Eleven View Post

Dear Harley Davidson rider,



Quiet please.



Thank you.



Thats Me and I am biased but I heart the noise of our Hog.



Dear Waitress,



Hey There



Remember a few days ago when I came in with my friends and ordered a stir fry no beef.....and you on your own decided to substitute with chicken....cause all Veggies eat chicken, turkey and fish.....NO we dont.....and please keep your opinions and choices to yourself.....I am a loud and *****y broad and can decide for myself what I CHOOSE to eat!!



Peace, LOve and Hippiness



Jennifer
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#20 Old 12-01-2009, 08:34 PM
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Dear thread,



You are funny even though you deal with everyday annoyances, you are amusing, and I love you.



I'll probably add to you further in the near future



Sincerely,

Mel
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#21 Old 12-01-2009, 08:35 PM
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Dear Really Cute (But Engaged) Man Who I Waited On At The Credit Union Today,



Why couldn't you have found a way to work your fiancee into the conversation any earlier? Why did you let me spent twenty minutes pouring over the details of your accounts and your direct deposits (which I would have done anyway, because I'm a good member service person) before mentioning you're engaged? You definitely didn't need to apologize for taking up my time, because trust me, there was no one in line behind you who was half as easy on the eyes as you were. And your manner was appealing, too. You were polite and personable, and you didn't dress like a gangbanger like most of the guys our age who come into my credit union. It was certainly amusing when you mentioned your fiancee works at the very same bank I left a month and a half ago.



Please, if you should ever need to call things off with your bank teller girl, remember this credit union girl?

Thanks much!

Skylark

Q: How many poets does it take to change a light bulb? A: 1001...one to change the bulb, 1000 to say it's already been done.
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#22 Old 12-01-2009, 08:58 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Skylark View Post

Dear Really Cute (But Engaged) Man Who I Waited On At The Credit Union Today,



Why couldn't you have found a way to work your fiancee into the conversation any earlier? Why did you let me spent twenty minutes pouring over the details of your accounts and your direct deposits (which I would have done anyway, because I'm a good member service person) before mentioning you're engaged? You definitely didn't need to apologize for taking up my time, because trust me, there was no one in line behind you who was half as easy on the eyes as you were. And your manner was appealing, too. You were polite and personable, and you didn't dress like a gangbanger like most of the guys our age who come into my credit union. It was certainly amusing when you mentioned your fiancee works at the very same bank I left a month and a half ago.



Please, if you should ever need to call things off with your bank teller girl, remember this credit union girl?

Thanks much!

Skylark



You mean he's engaged to one of your ex-coworkers? Or maybe it wasn't the same branch..lol
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#23 Old 12-01-2009, 09:02 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Melanie View Post

You mean he's engaged to one of your ex-coworkers? Or maybe it wasn't the same branch..lol



Different branch. None of my coworkers at the branch where I worked were engaged. I've never met nor heard of this woman until today.

Q: How many poets does it take to change a light bulb? A: 1001...one to change the bulb, 1000 to say it's already been done.
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#24 Old 12-01-2009, 09:27 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Skylark View Post

Different branch. None of my coworkers at the branch where I worked were engaged. I've never met nor heard of this woman until today.



Gotcha.



back on topic...



Dear Bed,



You're so comfy, and I am so tired. Goodnight. See you when I wake up tomorrow morning.



Love,

Mel
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#25 Old 12-01-2009, 10:52 PM
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Dear nothingness,



Since you wouldn't show yourself to me as you did for Keanu Reeves in 'Little Buddha' , I decided to give you a 48 hour notice before I give up on this whole meditating-thing. Becouse my back hurts and after a while an x-rated screensaver activates on my PC monitor.
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#26 Old 12-01-2009, 11:42 PM
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Dear hair,



I know I can't afford to have you cut yet but could you please take less time drying.



Thanks



Annie



Dear flatmates,



I'm sorry that my hairdryer wakes you up at 7:30 in the morning. I've asked my hair to take less time drying. Unless it agrees to, I'm afraid you're just going to have to put up with it.



Annie xxx
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#27 Old 12-02-2009, 07:25 AM
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Dear boss and co-worker:



When you need me to come in and close the store on my day off because co-work has lost his keys, please let me know when you know - not seven hours latter. I did it for two days in a row. The next time it happens, I'm pretending to be belligerently drunk and incoherent.



Also, boss - please remember who makes more money, and at least pretend to do something to deserve it.



Sincerely,

The Woman Searching For A New Job.
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#28 Old 12-02-2009, 07:35 AM
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Dear brain,



I know I've been putting you through a lot of stress lately. You've had a lot of late nights, a lot of new things to think about. But please, knock it off with the bad dreams. Sleep is supposed to be a time of solace. It shouldn't be a seemingly endless parade of people and things that frighten me or make me sad. Enough already.

slops, gloops, and gruels.
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#29 Old 12-02-2009, 07:36 AM
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Dear Horse's Ars Person (no offense to the horse) who felt the need to "burn rubber" leaving idiot marks in front of our home,



It's just not cool when you are approaching 50 years old and do these juvenile things and not a great thing to do in front of my little kids. Oh, they thought you didn't know how to drive very well or that something was very wrong with your truck. Either respect my home or please just drive by like a normal person.



Best wishes,

Me.
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#30 Old 12-02-2009, 07:37 AM
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Dear Asshat Neighbor with the Drum set,



I know they say 'practice makes perfect', but seriously, no amount of practice will help you. There is a reason your roommates kicked you out to the R.V. (what are a bunch of college kids doing with an R.V., anyway?). If you insist on drumming away at all hours of the day and night, please remember that your neighbors can hear you from the comfort of their living room across the street, and make an effort to stay on beat.



Thank You,

KFL

Who needs sleep when we've got love?
Who needs keys when we've got clubs?
Who needs please when we've got guns?
Who needs peace when we've gone above?
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