I'm really sorry that you have been having a hard time, berrycat. I really do hope you feel better soon.
It started with just punching myself in the head, then scratching my arms with my own fingernails. Then it went to safety pins, then scissors, then blades. I dont think most cutters just wake up someday and decide to hurt themselves. It just happens. And its hard to stop since the release of endorphines from cutting seems to give a temporary fix to anything.
That's the way it was for me. When I was in school I was that teased kid who never had friends(well, other than ma doggie) and could never talk to anyone. People liked to backstab me, saying they were my friends to get a secret and then telling it to the entire school(something that still hasn't remedied itself. I Can't seem to find good people to hang around with!) At first whenever something would happen(like forgetting homework or doing poorly on a test) I'd grab one of those nice heavy textbooks and bash myself in the head with it until a teacher told me to Stop. There was even one time in 5th grade that I had to go to see the guidance councilor because I'd written all over one of my folders that I just wanted to die, for someone to come into my room at night and kill me since I knew I didn't have the guts to kill myself. The teacher accidentally saw it. Then it kinda morphed. I never really bothered insect bites too much when I was little but all of a sudden when I was upset I'd start scratching them until they bled. Then it just got to where I would(and still do) get itchy feeling when I get stressed. Kinda like my body asking me to make it bleed. My scalp is usually the worst with that. I get upset and it just itches like mad, leading me to have bloody nails, my arms seem to just be itchy all over. Kinda thought I outgrew it after high school because I didn't seem to want to as much.
I never really moved past the scratching thing(hey, bug bite, I lived in FL, of course it didn't look fishy when I had dozens of them) until I started my current job. Don't tell my guy that, since he thinks I was always in that sharp object faze. It was also my first time being Caught at it. My boss was known for being an all out douche to his employees. His favourite thing in the world is to make them cry(fortunately he doesn't live here anymore) There was one day('bout a week after an employee meeting to discuss short change artists) that some old hag tried to do that to me. After my drawer was counted(oops, one of the other managers'd taken money to get supplies) it was found that my drawer was short exactly what she was claiming I was trying to steal from her(if I ever met her in a dark alley there would be one less rude *****y old ***** out there.) so I couldn't give her the money back. So she went to my boss. And he freaked out at me. He called me into the office and IN FRONT OF HER would ask me a question and after I'd get 2 words out he'd cut me off and SCREAM at me about what I was saying(B: what happened? M: she gave me a $10 B: you THOUGHT that she did! How can you say that? You're already short because you are a lousy employee who can't watch your money why should I think that you didn't mess up with her?) Now, up until that point I'd been short ONCE I was "short $20" yet when I was the opening cashier the next day(he was my guy's roommate) the next morning after being yelled at and accused of theft I opened my drawer to put money into it and there was a $20 sitting face up flat on the bottom of the tray that it was supposed to be in. And I got yelled at that it hadn't been there the night before. Sure. Okay. Whatever. Now I was being accused of not only being short but also of trying to rip off the nice little old lady(who was acting exactly like he said a short change artist would. In retrospect I nearly decked a guy in front of his kids one day out here when he tried to do that to me in the same exact words. My manager physically had to block me from it) and he was yelling and screaming about it. After he'd badgered me to the point that I was crying too hard to TALK, the lady said she wanted her $20 back since she'd missed the beginning of the movie. We've got 20 minutes of trailers on ours and so the boss told her(yea, he'd yelled at me THAT LONG) that she hadn't, that it was just about to start and let her keep those tickets AND made me give her a $20 out of my drawer. And she kept the change that I'd given her before.
What happened? I was told to go back onto the floor. I was sobbing and shaking so hard I could barely stand up. When the line was over(I seriously helped 3 more people to the other girl's 20+) I begged the 3rd manager there to let me go on break. I'd probably have just ended up sobbing myself out in the back room(oops, was only supposed to take a 35 minute) but everyone kept coming back and bothering me. So I went out into the back hallway. Where the store next to me had a dumpster inside. Which they routinely tossed glass into. . . I noticed a nice sharp piece on the ground and I didn't even Think about what I was doing before I made my arm bleed something fierce(and in my defense it actually does look like a cat scratch >_>) After 2 hours of me being out there my boyfriend(that 3rd manager) came looking for me. And I couldn't come up with an excuse of what happened to my arm. So I handed him the glass. Dumb move. He marched me to the office where I got to listen to the ******* NOT APOLOGIZE TO ME and lecture about how he'd always been sooo suicidal and tried it a couple times because of his kid(seriously I despise that kid. He's bashed my pet's cages, made tons of noise to scare them on purpose and gotten me yelled at at work for demanding to do stuff and it not being done quick enough, got my revenge by turning daddy into the labour offices which did a pretty big investigation on him. The kid is 9, old enough to know better) and how bad his life sucks and all that and tell me that I'd forgotten the 2nd manager had gotten cash out of my drawer to get supplies and that I wouldn't have been short if I hadn't been so poor at money handling with that lady because then I'd have been able to prove that she gave me a $10 and that ultimately now it was MY fault that some old ***** now had $20.50 from my drawer and it was my responsibility that I'd been short.
I really should have walked, but since we were moving soon I had to stay with the company because I was guaranteed a job out here. I don't even know why I didn't quit, but I did end up cutting myself around a dozen times in the next 6 months that he was here because it ended up getting worse when I was his roommate and still dating his assistant manager and not being a good enough employee. Even though I was doing exactly what I was supposed to be doing when I was there. Then he flat out dumped this theatre onto my boyfriend so he could leave town. And the boyfriend? Yup, he thinks I'm nuts because I've cut before, yet he would routinely go off and drink until he was ready to pass out to relieve stress(which he hasn't done too lately)
Even now I'm not over it completely. I haven't done glass in a while, but I still catch myself scratching itches that have no source raw sometimes and to avoid screaming at rude customers I've literally a few times bruised my legs from(after they're gone) punching them repeatedly to get out the aggression(that's my other problem. I know I can't hurt anyone else in anger so I internalise it and hurt myself instead) or getting a rubber band if they aren't leaving and just sitting there where they can't see and snapping myself. I've had a couple times where I've gotten HUGE welts and bruises on my legs and a couple times when I did it to my wrists I've had swollen black, blue and red(like skin being eroded red) wrists for a few days after. Can't see them anymore but I did have a couple of scars on the one wrist from where I just snapped myself with one so much that I got a couple of bleeding sores from it. It's the endorphines. They feel good. It's like a drug addiction. At first you may like the high you get from it because it releases you from feeling stressed out, but after a while you realise that you need to keep doing it when you're stressed to stay "sane" so to speak. And you realise how hard it is to quit doing it.