started cutting again - VeggieBoards
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#1 Old 09-25-2007, 08:40 PM
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feel real hopeless don't have insurance so can't see a doc
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#2 Old 09-25-2007, 08:44 PM
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Feel hopeless about having cut? Or about life in general?



Cutting rarely results in death, or even infection, but if you aren't feeling safe (as in, you feel as though you may seriously harm yourself) then you need to go to the ER and not worry about the cost.

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#3 Old 09-25-2007, 08:55 PM
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Im sorry. Ive been a cutter since I was a young teen, but Ive managed to stop as an adult for the most part. There have been exceptions. I was emotionally abused by many of my exes and sometimes they pushed me into more than I could take. Its not something Im proud of, and I dont think its a healthy way to deal with things, but neither is smoking a ciggarette or going and drinking a bottle of jack when your upset {which a lot of people do and get a LOT less crap for than cutters get, and the funny thing is smoking and drinking is probably actually worse for your body!}. Im not saying it, or any of it, is okay. I try and manage my feelings and respect myself as best as I can. Just wanted you to know your not alone.
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#4 Old 09-25-2007, 09:20 PM
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Do you have people you can call/talk to about what has triggered this? If you feel comfortable enough here, I am sure many of us would listen. When I get the urge sometimes it helps to talk about wanting to and maybe why (if I even know why)... like taking a big breath of air and releasing it, talking releases the tense/jittery feeling in my body that happens when I'm triggered.



I'm sorry you were triggered by whatever and felt cutting was what needed to happen. I understand about the insurance thing as well. I was just denied renewal of my insurance plan because I am 'high risk'. So I will be insurance-less on the 1st. Just know that there are people here who understand.
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#5 Old 09-25-2007, 09:31 PM
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I am so sorry you are feeling hopeless at the moment and were triggered to cut. I understand how you are feeling and just want you to know that you are not alone. Is there a place you can go to and talk to a therapist for a small fee? Or even a mental health clinic? Catholic charities or some type of family services?
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#6 Old 09-26-2007, 02:42 AM
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#7 Old 09-26-2007, 04:15 AM
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berrkat...how are things looking today?

The ones I pity are the ones who never stick out their neck for something they believe, never know the taste of moral struggle, and never have the thrill of victory. - Jonathan Kozol
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#8 Old 09-26-2007, 08:34 AM
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better but I am still fighting depression some days it just all gets to be too much
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#9 Old 09-26-2007, 08:22 PM
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thank you everyone
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#10 Old 09-27-2007, 01:04 PM
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Cutting is something I've been battling for years. I can't say I used to, cause I did find myself doing it once a few months back after not for over a year. And then the other day I started going through the motions in getting ready to do it, but didn't. Is there someone you can talk to? Do you keep a journal? Sometimes writing your feelings down can help when you don't have anyone readily available to talk to. We're here for you.
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#11 Old 09-27-2007, 02:13 PM
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I just have to ask...what could possible lure a person into cutting themselves? I can understand life issues, but how do they relate to cutting? It's weird... Plus, doing the wrist/arm cutting doesn't look good because you just get a bunch of "cat scratches" that are all too symmetrical. I've seen them on chicks' arms before, and it looks like ****.
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#12 Old 09-27-2007, 02:22 PM
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Sorry, next time I'll try make my self injury more artistic . Hope that didn't seem like a put down. I know some people don't understand why that's o.k. it is kind of an odd behavior. Here is how Wikipedia explains it Self-injury

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

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For self-injury in wartime, see Self-inflicted wound.

This article focuses on repetitive self-injury, not severe self-injury inflicted during psychosis, such as eye enucleation and amputation.

Self-injury

Classification & external resources ICD-10 \tX84.

DiseasesDB \t30605 29126



Self-injury (SI) or self-harm (SH) is deliberate injury inflicted by a person upon his or her own body without suicidal intent. Some scholars use more technical definitions related to specific aspects of this behaviour. These acts may be aimed at relieving otherwise unbearable emotions, sensations of unreality and numbness. It is listed in the DSM-IV-TR as a symptom of borderline personality disorder and is sometimes associated with mental illness, a history of trauma and abuse, eating disorders, or mental traits such as low self-esteem or perfectionism. There is a positive statistical correlation between self-injury and emotional abuse.[1][2]

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#13 Old 09-27-2007, 02:35 PM
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I'm pretty sure the last thing on someones mind when they are so upset that they want to hurt themselves is if its going to look like "****".



I cut my arms when i was a young teenager. My parents were busy cheating on each other and my own life was hell. I just wanted to release because I was so angry. I was sick of holding it in and people trying to hurt me. It was kind of an automatic thing to grab something sharp and just gouge my arms up. It may not be something *you* understand but it is a real thing and people deal with the pain all the time. Next time you see a "chicks" arms like that maybe wonder why she hurt so badly at one time and not judge her for the way it looks.
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#14 Old 09-27-2007, 03:11 PM
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I know its a bit basic but I found that writing stuff down in a diary can help, it stopped me from cutting when I felt I needed to.

If you ever want to vent/talk/whatever you can pm or email me, I know you don't know me but sometimes that can be a good thing



Yeah I agree with favourite kitty in that no-one really cares about what their scars look like. Sometimes I do think mine are too obvious but I like them there, they make me think about stuff and stop me doing things that are worse.
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#15 Old 09-27-2007, 03:27 PM
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There have been threads about this here before. I think someone explained that people cut themselves because they're feeling emotional pain, and the physical pain of cutting is actually less painful- it replaces the emotional pain. I hate to think about my friends hurting like that.



Have some of you tried intense physical exercise? Some people here are advanced practitioners of yoga, and others run or swim. I have tried all of those, but for me, working with weight machines is much more effective at discharging any negative feelings I have, such as anger. Some local gyms or YMCAs might have a plan where you can try a short-term membership for a reduced fee, so without great expense, you could find out if this eases the urge to cut yourself. Be careful if you think you might have a medical condition which might make weight training a problem.

Peasant (1963-1972) and Fluffy (1970s?-1982- I think of you as 'Ambrose' now)- Your spirits outshone some humans I have known. Be happy forever.
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#16 Old 09-27-2007, 04:25 PM
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Originally Posted by Mr_Vegan View Post

I just have to ask...what could possible lure a person into cutting themselves? I can understand life issues, but how do they relate to cutting? It's weird... Plus, doing the wrist/arm cutting doesn't look good because you just get a bunch of "cat scratches" that are all too symmetrical. I've seen them on chicks' arms before, and it looks like ****.



For me, it was being my emotional pain gets to be SO bad, its the most disgusting feeling like Im going mad inside my own skin, like I cant sit still, like I want to throw up or scream or cry but CANT, its terrifying..like I literally cannot breathe another breathe or stand another moment of living..but I know in my head I truly dont want to kill myself. So Id cut..and the pain..the concentration..it totally would take me from a beyond freaking out state to an almost trance like state, and that overwhelming feeling would just dissapear..also when I would do it I would usually be triggered to cry..and just cry and cry til it got "out" of me. I know it doesnt make a lot of sense unless you have experianced it yourself..but basically I think the pain is a "release" and an emotional/brain chemistry thing happens...Are there better ways of dealing with stuff? Of course..but honestly if I get to THAT low of a place where Im feeling suicidal Id rather cut than do something stupid. And its not like you are in a good headspace enough to stop and think "how can I be healthy right now" when your THAT freaked out.



The funny thing is, way back when I was young, how I first ever discovered this, I was TRYING to commit suicide {not very well but what did I know at 13}, I cut my wrist {not near deep enough} and realized I almost instantly felt better.



Its sooooo screwed up. Not even so much the cutting but how horrible it feels to be in "the dark place" in the first place. Luckily I can say I dont go there often these days.
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#17 Old 09-27-2007, 06:41 PM
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Do you live in the US? If so I know you can call your local welfare office and they will give you a paper that has all kinds of free or reduced cost clinics that can possibly help. I go to one and my psychatrist fee is only 24 dollars and my theripist fee is only 12 dollars. Most of those low cost places will go off your income....I only made about 300 dollars so only paying 24 dollars compared to 100 dollars or more was a huge help to say the least.
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#18 Old 09-27-2007, 07:03 PM
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Cutting wasn't painful for me.



Alot of people start cutting after physical abuse. That was the way it was for me. After several males molesting me throughout my childhood and my mom using me as her punching bag, I just started hurting myself too. It started with just punching myself in the head, then scratching my arms with my own fingernails. Then it went to safety pins, then scissors, then blades. I dont think most cutters just wake up someday and decide to hurt themselves. It just happens. And its hard to stop since the release of endorphines from cutting seems to give a temporary fix to anything.
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#19 Old 09-28-2007, 10:28 AM
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I'm really sorry that you have been having a hard time, berrycat. I really do hope you feel better soon.



Quote:
It started with just punching myself in the head, then scratching my arms with my own fingernails. Then it went to safety pins, then scissors, then blades. I dont think most cutters just wake up someday and decide to hurt themselves. It just happens. And its hard to stop since the release of endorphines from cutting seems to give a temporary fix to anything.



That's the way it was for me. When I was in school I was that teased kid who never had friends(well, other than ma doggie) and could never talk to anyone. People liked to backstab me, saying they were my friends to get a secret and then telling it to the entire school(something that still hasn't remedied itself. I Can't seem to find good people to hang around with!) At first whenever something would happen(like forgetting homework or doing poorly on a test) I'd grab one of those nice heavy textbooks and bash myself in the head with it until a teacher told me to Stop. There was even one time in 5th grade that I had to go to see the guidance councilor because I'd written all over one of my folders that I just wanted to die, for someone to come into my room at night and kill me since I knew I didn't have the guts to kill myself. The teacher accidentally saw it. Then it kinda morphed. I never really bothered insect bites too much when I was little but all of a sudden when I was upset I'd start scratching them until they bled. Then it just got to where I would(and still do) get itchy feeling when I get stressed. Kinda like my body asking me to make it bleed. My scalp is usually the worst with that. I get upset and it just itches like mad, leading me to have bloody nails, my arms seem to just be itchy all over. Kinda thought I outgrew it after high school because I didn't seem to want to as much.



I never really moved past the scratching thing(hey, bug bite, I lived in FL, of course it didn't look fishy when I had dozens of them) until I started my current job. Don't tell my guy that, since he thinks I was always in that sharp object faze. It was also my first time being Caught at it. My boss was known for being an all out douche to his employees. His favourite thing in the world is to make them cry(fortunately he doesn't live here anymore) There was one day('bout a week after an employee meeting to discuss short change artists) that some old hag tried to do that to me. After my drawer was counted(oops, one of the other managers'd taken money to get supplies) it was found that my drawer was short exactly what she was claiming I was trying to steal from her(if I ever met her in a dark alley there would be one less rude *****y old ***** out there.) so I couldn't give her the money back. So she went to my boss. And he freaked out at me. He called me into the office and IN FRONT OF HER would ask me a question and after I'd get 2 words out he'd cut me off and SCREAM at me about what I was saying(B: what happened? M: she gave me a $10 B: you THOUGHT that she did! How can you say that? You're already short because you are a lousy employee who can't watch your money why should I think that you didn't mess up with her?) Now, up until that point I'd been short ONCE I was "short $20" yet when I was the opening cashier the next day(he was my guy's roommate) the next morning after being yelled at and accused of theft I opened my drawer to put money into it and there was a $20 sitting face up flat on the bottom of the tray that it was supposed to be in. And I got yelled at that it hadn't been there the night before. Sure. Okay. Whatever. Now I was being accused of not only being short but also of trying to rip off the nice little old lady(who was acting exactly like he said a short change artist would. In retrospect I nearly decked a guy in front of his kids one day out here when he tried to do that to me in the same exact words. My manager physically had to block me from it) and he was yelling and screaming about it. After he'd badgered me to the point that I was crying too hard to TALK, the lady said she wanted her $20 back since she'd missed the beginning of the movie. We've got 20 minutes of trailers on ours and so the boss told her(yea, he'd yelled at me THAT LONG) that she hadn't, that it was just about to start and let her keep those tickets AND made me give her a $20 out of my drawer. And she kept the change that I'd given her before.



What happened? I was told to go back onto the floor. I was sobbing and shaking so hard I could barely stand up. When the line was over(I seriously helped 3 more people to the other girl's 20+) I begged the 3rd manager there to let me go on break. I'd probably have just ended up sobbing myself out in the back room(oops, was only supposed to take a 35 minute) but everyone kept coming back and bothering me. So I went out into the back hallway. Where the store next to me had a dumpster inside. Which they routinely tossed glass into. . . I noticed a nice sharp piece on the ground and I didn't even Think about what I was doing before I made my arm bleed something fierce(and in my defense it actually does look like a cat scratch >_>) After 2 hours of me being out there my boyfriend(that 3rd manager) came looking for me. And I couldn't come up with an excuse of what happened to my arm. So I handed him the glass. Dumb move. He marched me to the office where I got to listen to the ******* NOT APOLOGIZE TO ME and lecture about how he'd always been sooo suicidal and tried it a couple times because of his kid(seriously I despise that kid. He's bashed my pet's cages, made tons of noise to scare them on purpose and gotten me yelled at at work for demanding to do stuff and it not being done quick enough, got my revenge by turning daddy into the labour offices which did a pretty big investigation on him. The kid is 9, old enough to know better) and how bad his life sucks and all that and tell me that I'd forgotten the 2nd manager had gotten cash out of my drawer to get supplies and that I wouldn't have been short if I hadn't been so poor at money handling with that lady because then I'd have been able to prove that she gave me a $10 and that ultimately now it was MY fault that some old ***** now had $20.50 from my drawer and it was my responsibility that I'd been short.



I really should have walked, but since we were moving soon I had to stay with the company because I was guaranteed a job out here. I don't even know why I didn't quit, but I did end up cutting myself around a dozen times in the next 6 months that he was here because it ended up getting worse when I was his roommate and still dating his assistant manager and not being a good enough employee. Even though I was doing exactly what I was supposed to be doing when I was there. Then he flat out dumped this theatre onto my boyfriend so he could leave town. And the boyfriend? Yup, he thinks I'm nuts because I've cut before, yet he would routinely go off and drink until he was ready to pass out to relieve stress(which he hasn't done too lately)



Even now I'm not over it completely. I haven't done glass in a while, but I still catch myself scratching itches that have no source raw sometimes and to avoid screaming at rude customers I've literally a few times bruised my legs from(after they're gone) punching them repeatedly to get out the aggression(that's my other problem. I know I can't hurt anyone else in anger so I internalise it and hurt myself instead) or getting a rubber band if they aren't leaving and just sitting there where they can't see and snapping myself. I've had a couple times where I've gotten HUGE welts and bruises on my legs and a couple times when I did it to my wrists I've had swollen black, blue and red(like skin being eroded red) wrists for a few days after. Can't see them anymore but I did have a couple of scars on the one wrist from where I just snapped myself with one so much that I got a couple of bleeding sores from it. It's the endorphines. They feel good. It's like a drug addiction. At first you may like the high you get from it because it releases you from feeling stressed out, but after a while you realise that you need to keep doing it when you're stressed to stay "sane" so to speak. And you realise how hard it is to quit doing it.
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#20 Old 09-28-2007, 11:32 AM
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Quote:
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I know I can't hurt anyone else in anger so I internalise it and hurt myself instead).



I hope you are ok, berrykat. It is so hard sometimes.



I did this throughout secondary school. And the only explanation I have for that is the one above. It is, for me, like some sort of punishment. I don't know why.



I didn't do it for years, and then I started again quite recently, under pressure from eating disorder issues. Weird.



I hope that you are alright
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#21 Old 09-28-2007, 04:28 PM
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I skipped a lot of these posts because I've learnt that I sometimes find this stuff triggering even if I don't think I will. But I wanted to agree with the messages of support and say, you can get through this!
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#22 Old 09-28-2007, 08:49 PM
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I skipped a lot of these posts because I've learnt that I sometimes find this stuff triggering even if I don't think I will. But I wanted to agree with the messages of support and say, you can get through this!



Well, I did read them and had to go put the scissors that are on the computer desk in the next room. The moment passed.



Berrykat, I hope you are okay. I haven't cut in.. over a year. But it is a fairly steady mental fight. It's something you have to work on. Do you have someone you can just sit and call whenever you feel the urge/see the motions start? I have a friend that I can call and she calls me. It's really helped both of us have more control over it. Plus, you have all of us that have been there/are there too. You are welcome to PM me if you'd like to talk.







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#23 Old 09-28-2007, 08:58 PM
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Originally Posted by Mr_Vegan View Post

I just have to ask...what could possible lure a person into cutting themselves? I can understand life issues, but how do they relate to cutting? It's weird... Plus, doing the wrist/arm cutting doesn't look good because you just get a bunch of "cat scratches" that are all too symmetrical. I've seen them on chicks' arms before, and it looks like ****.



... Erm.... Well, first of all if you are at the emotional point where I get when I have that urge to be completely honest I could give less than a damn about what some random person thinks of my "cat scratches" or someone finding them "good" looking.



As far as the lure goes... For me, it is about taking the emotional pain that is inside and turning it into a physical pain on the outside that can bleed and then be healed, almost instantly. It isn't healthy, nor is it a good thing. But, sadly, there are a lot of us out there. You probably know half a dozen self-injurers. And as someone else said, next time you see a chick with symmetrical "scratches" down her arm... Ask her how she's doing, smile at her, if she's a friend sit down and try to get her to talk to you - not about the cutting necessarily but how she's feeling. It makes a huge difference.



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#24 Old 09-30-2007, 12:52 AM
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Originally Posted by Mr_Vegan View Post

I just have to ask...what could possible lure a person into cutting themselves? I can understand life issues, but how do they relate to cutting? It's weird... Plus, doing the wrist/arm cutting doesn't look good because you just get a bunch of "cat scratches" that are all too symmetrical. I've seen them on chicks' arms before, and it looks like ****.



I just have to ask . . . what could possibly lure a person into being so rude?



I hope you're feeling better, berrykat.
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#25 Old 09-30-2007, 12:57 AM
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I just have to ask . . . what could possibly lure a person into being so rude?



I hope you're feeling better, berrykat.



I agree, with both statements.



berrykat, I've been there. It's a sensitive issue for me and I've stayed out of this thread for that reason but I wanted to show a little support. I hope things get better.
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#26 Old 10-01-2007, 03:40 PM
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Thank you everyone. I am feeling better. I talked to my Bishop ,pastor, he has set me up with our churches social services organization and He will pay for my counseling. It is a big relief to be able to get help and not have to worry about paying for it.
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#27 Old 10-01-2007, 03:52 PM
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I'm so sorry you are going through this. I had a roommate once who cut herself and my other roommate "caught her" at it a few times and it really freaked us out. This thread has been very enlightening in helping me understand what she was going through.



I hope you are feeling better today!

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#28 Old 10-07-2007, 01:33 AM
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I'm surprised to see how many other self-injurers (past or present) there are on this board.

I've battled it for about 7 years or so. It's tough... you fall down, you get back up and keep trying.

Professional help (from the right person) can be a huge help as well as understanding what triggers you and getting away from it or otherwise distracting yourself.
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