Well, I went to the psychologist yesterday and she was pretty nice and seemed reasonable compassionate. Immediately when I opened my mouth I began to cry hopelessly and continued to do that for the whole hour. I felt horrible when I left. I just wanted to burry myself under the ground that nobody would see me. At home I did the Beck's test, I got over 40 (30 being the limit for major depression). The psychologist asked me to do it at her office, but I couldn't do it when she was watching, so I asked it for my "homework".
I just don't understand.. I am not really feeling *so* much worse than I did before, I would have gotten 20 points (moderate depression) for years. I've lived with depressed mood so long (since childhood) that it has become my personality, a natural thing for me. I was very suprised when reading about Beck's - "Don't other people get at least 20 points when they do this test? isn't that just normal?"
I have more atypical symptoms than typical ones: I overeat, oversleep, my body feels so heavy that I have trouble moving my hands and feets (this has gotten worse these last two months), I'm very sensitive to being criticized.. I just keep thinking "what will other people think" about everything. I have been like that ever since I was a child, but these symptoms have gotten worse and worse every year.
I also have severe premenstrual syndrome symptoms, more like PMDD. I become bloated, angry (just want to destroy something), my body feels out of control, I cry on the floor asking what is happening to me, have hot and cold flashes (constantly changing clothes, adjusting temperature etc.) as well as joint and muscle pain + spasms.
All this.. and vulvodynia.
I feel just so tired and hopeless.. Because of tricyclic that I take for vulvodynia pain, my throat is constantly dry. It feels difficult to talk, I have to take zip of water everytime I say a word. I mentioned today to my schoolmates that I might take some time off from my school. Maybe after this period (ends at the end of january), I'll take few months of sick leave. I'll just have to persevere for now. But it's really tough. It's really tough to keep that smiley work face and keep acting happy, when I feel so horrible. I just cannot keep up the coulisse anymore which I have done since I was a child in dysfunctional family. I feel too tired for it. I don't have the energy to smile anymore at all, I have to force myself to smile to cute children while I watch them to play at school. I could't care less about the children, I just want to go to bed and cry.
Has anyone experienced anything similar?