This is a thread for people who suffer from mental illnesses; those who self injure; those who are clinically depressed or anything else, and feel like people just don't understand.



This is a place to vent, to fret and worry, to confess, whatever you need. We all are here to listen, and give hugs.



We understand that there are a lot of things going on in your mind, but please do not post positive things about depression/ocd/self injury/whatever.

originally posted in ETL



Not good enough though. Around March of last year, I started getting really depressed, withdrawn, and constantly thought of running away. I would curl up into a little ball and every so often I'd let a few tears slip out.



I'm back into that routine again. I feel exactly like I did then. I want to run away, I want to slice at my wrists a bit deeper than I mean to, I want to hide up in my room for hours. Not eat at all, though the eating disorder is new.



*sigh*

..i dont know where to start..or what to say..

so i guess ill just say..i can relate...

though i feel too paranoid talking about it...

silverundertone:



If you're ever ready to talk, I'm here.

cherryhead..

ty..

Nice idea. I'll come around on my less stable days when I don't have to worry about being un-stabled.

CherryHead - good idea A much needed forum



-Linz

this is a really good idea. lately ive been feeling depressed again...and ive been really frusterated with guys, and especiall my eating problems which have been going on for almost a year and a half now.,..blaah

Good idea! I'll definately make use of this thread. I've been suffering from depression on and off since I was nine.



Hugs to all!

wonderfull idea cherry ...

i am all achey today from work.. and i keep having mood swings.. happy one minute, in tears the next.. i feel lost and empty today..

for all.



Me, my weird dreams are coming back. When I was depressed, I had these god awful weird dreams that would stick with me when I woke up. They're back. Roar, I don't know what to do.....

Winter is horrible for depression. I also find that the beginning of March is one of the worst times. I guess its the build up of bad schtuff or prolonged lack of good sunny warm weather being active vibes. If my family didn't live in MO and I didn't like snow, I think I would definately move to a warm climate. It would do me good.

I relate Jinga. It's freezing here & my mood is really down a lot lately. I've been venting too much on VB because I am trying to keep it out of my volunteer work as a radio announcer, where I have to sound cheerful & on the ball. Nothing could be further from the truth- I'm very out of touch w/ reality & spend most of the day just fighting the anxiety & low mood. I don't watch tv, exercise, read or do anything but work, sleep, eat & shop (when there's money). I'd love to be vital, clued in & "with it", rather than not knowing what's going on because I'm so obssessed & caught up in my mental illness. My volunteer boss has a really good connection to a company that could give me a well-paid job in my field (possibly), but I keep putting off applying because I need to sleep 12 hours a day, I only shower maybe 2x a week, & I can't even pretend well enough that I know current events & what's going on.

I'm only even able to volunteer because I love my boss & I think he is aware I'm willing to do just about anything to stay here & make him happy.

I always struggle with depression in the winter. Meds only help so much. I guess I also have a touch of the post holiday blues. I'm just in a funk. Most of the time I don't even feel like hanging out with friends after work. I just want to go home and sleep.

Jinga...word!



But even worse for depression is spring to me. When everything is coming 'alive' and blossoming and people start smiling, and I still feel sullen and tired and sick of everything. And then it's like, at the back of my mind, a little niggling voice..."you'll never, ever be happy...don't you see. This is the GOOD time of the year and you are still just as sad." Taunting. Spring = taunting, to me. And Christmas is notoriously bad. I just would like to sleep through Christmas and New Year's...which is also very upsetting. I don't LIKE having a new year, thank you...I want the old one back.



I'm not very good with change, I guess. I don't like to relinquish the year to time. No...it went too fast! I want a do-over lol.



But yeah, spring...early spring...makes me feel really low.



I do, however, adore thundershowers and NIN and things that reflect how I feel. It's assuring to not feel alone. So I guess that's another good reason for this thread



-Linz



p.s. since I hate summer too, I guess it's a good thing that I like autumn. I love it when the fields are burning and the days are cool, but not cold, and you can go for coffee with a friend and wear a sweater and scarf, but it isn't 35 below zero, and you won't die from the cold, and the sky isn't white from being so overcast. Yay for autumn! Autumn is my fave season, and twilight is my fave time of day. Why do BOTH have to be so short? A half hour or so for twilight...and a couple weeks, really of truly autumnal weather. Sigh.

Anyone know any good tips for overcoming school phobia? I think I'm developing a real fear...I feel jittery before class, nervous to look at profs. I just want to disappear. I can't focus due to anxiety and I don't want to be graded right now. I just would like to read and hand in things on my own time. But that will never happen.



I need to get in gear...NOW. Any advice for soothing frazzled nerves or summoning courage? Things to tell yourself when that "flight" syndrome kicks in and you want to race from the building?



I just don't want this fear to grow.



-Linz

Linzey, I went through the same thing. I used to be very outgoing, but once I went to university, I started to become withdrawn. I spent less time with friends and more time alone. Then I'd go to class and be paranoid that everyone was watching me and judging me.



I still feel that way. Sometimes I wonder if I have social anxiety disorder, which from what I've read, has a lot of the same symptoms as depression.



Dr. Phil (who I don't normally like, but in this case was spot on) said that you have to reprogram your mental tapes. When I get paranoid like that, it's like there is a tape playing over and over in my head. It says things like "You're so ugly, you're so stupid, everyone can see how dumb you are, blah blah blah." So when I find myself repeating these things, I force myself to think positive things. Like "You are smart, just be confident." It takes time and a lot of consistency, but I think it is helping me.

i think all my postiveness has dissapeared as of late xD i sufer from SAD and it's been quite bad these past few weeks.. even though i'm away from the anxiety provokingness.. at uni i feel like i am getting better, i have to be there and do things - even though quite alot of things make me knock myself back.. and i practically starve myself because i'm too scared to walk in a cantine let alot eat in there.. not sure if any of this makes sence. Ever since christmas i have been allowed to do the things i want to do, and mainly avoid everyone and everything (i.e. stay in my room and doodle and use the comp). now i'm finding it hard not to panic over catching the bus to go shopping - just basically had enough with myself at the moment.



i had councilloring using CBT but after a few months the councillor dismissed me, probably had enough of me and wanted some of his sanity back ._.



all i keep telling myself is that things will get better, and that they probably aren't as bad as my mind seems to think, but some reason it's alot more harder to think of positive things.



sorry D: i don't normally vent, i just don't like to drag everyone down with me by saying negative things.. that's probably why i avoid talking about it all in real life ^^;



the weird thing is i bought this hypnotherapy CD (i swear it was a con) but after trying it i feel hypo/happy and.. buzzy? afterwards, haven't tried it before an anxious situation.. i don't think i was actually hypnotised by it (heh i was even nervous listening to it and i have no idea why). Maybe it's because you don't normally hear postive things about you and it helps in some weird way? wonder what it is like to actually be hypnotised though i've always been skeptical (thats why i bought the CD)..



anyways i'm mumbling.. wonder if i'll resist temptation to delete this post? darn delete post option..



anyways thank you for the thread cherryhead

Youre welcome, Dusty.



Me, I'm just full of peaches and vegan cream! I've had two drinks today. All involving sneaking the drinks, etc. I feel like crap emotionally. Crap crap crap crap CRAP. Am dealing with this big "highschool romance drama" and friend troubles, and all I want to do is just disapear for a while. Plus, I ate a lot today. Felt like crap, binged.



Grr.

I know how you feel! I used to have dreams where I would feel like I was awake in them, and I would become anxious until I could get out of them (it's hard to explain!). Sleeping patterns are associated with depression, as well.

((Hugs))) to Cherry Head and everyone else.



So, anyway, I went to class. I picked up my exam. I couldn't look at the grade (politics)...and I got in the car, in tears, and my mom asks, "what's wrong?" And I kind of sigh, "I think I failed. I wasn't prepared at all!" (Bad day, or so I thought...so worried...couldn't concentrate). So she asks..."do you want ME to check your grade?"



I freak. "No!"....10 minutes later, she suggests I just PEEK...and then good or bad, we could go to Starbucks and I can get a coffee. That always perks me up.



So I look.



A+



And she says.."NOW do you think you underestimate yourself?"



Earlier in class, an example question was posed...definition-oriented...I was sort of dreaming, and the prof called on me...and I don't know why, but the first thing out of my mouth is "ontological directives"...and I mean...uhh...how sucky-uppy can I come across? I mentally slap myself. He smiles. "Yes, that works. That's it exactly...but for those who don't know what Linz is talking about...in this scenario...." etc.



And I couldn't STOP OBSESSING over it. Then to 'remedy' it, I kind of answered a question I knew 100%...but I answered incorrectly...and then I was mad about doing THAT, because another guy in my class said, "Linzey...you did a project on that last semester! For like an hour! How could you not KNOW that?" Most of the class snickered, and I felt like...gawd, Linz..you stupid, friggin' moron...they are going to think you are NUTS.



Sigh.



But, yes, grade wise my honors GPA came back - 3.92



Go me. It would have been a 4.0 if not for a C+ in stats in first year.



Damn borning z-scores...



So of course, coming home, ticked as hell at my lack of social grace, out comes the exacto. What a f*ck up I am.



-Linz

Linz-

Aww Linz, you sound so smart & likable, it's sad that you have to go back to the exacto knife.

I have big scars from that & a psych nurse told me that it becomes addictive, so i stopped.

I hope you can stop.

What if you went to Starbuck's for coffee when you felt like cutting, rather than doing that?

I hope you are feeling better, & congratulations on the A+.

You're not a ****-up. Most people are just *******s. Cutting doesn't make them any less so.



You're a bright person who deserves the sensitivity of others, but just don't expect if from insensitive people, and you'll be better off. Look at how kind your mother was in this story...



You've got our support.

Thanks guys You all made me feel better. No cutting today, which is good And I ate solids too...the combo of the two is amazing, and shows that I'm probably dealing with stress better. Cause I have a heap of work to do. I think I've gotten to that point where I "don't care". I'm so tired of not getting any real breaks, and if I screw up, I screw up.



I missed the first day back to school. Felt sick. My prof saw me and sort of grilled me, and I just didn't even bother to skirt the issue...I just sort of gave him a look, saying, "I'm pretty dang sleep deprived". Small smile, and a "I'll see you on tuesday though!" Usually I'm nearly-repentent. But this is my life, not his, and I was tired. End of story.



Yes, Epski, my mum is kind. Very kind when she's not stressed out of her mind. lol.



And y'all have my support too. Off to review notes. Dang internet is throughly addictive!



-Linzey