I think, now that I'm home, it's easier to make an effort to get better. If that even makes any sense. It's easier for me to eat actual meals without thinking about the numbers because my mom makes my food and throws away the packaging before I can get to it and decide it's too much. However, I have almost memorised the calorie content in most of the things I eat, so I still have a pretty good idea.
But the thing is, I don't feel as guilty about it, because, since I haven't gotten a job yet, and I'm working on toning up for that audition, I do the NYC Ballet workout twice a day, I do a little pilates when I'm stressed out, and I walk nearly everywhere, so I'm getting a lot of exercise and I'm actually hungry, and I want to have the energy to continue doing all this exercise.
On the other hand, though, since I don't have a lot to do other than clean, exercise, and think about this audition, I find myself thinking about how easy it would be to just starve myself down to whatever weight I currently feel would make me happy. I know I could do it - all I really want to lose now are a few vanity pounds, and that would only take a few weeks. But I know that once I get there, it won't be good enough. And do I think passing out is going to get me this audition?
And I'm deathly afraid of gaining weight, even though, logically, I know that the amount of exercise I get is going to burn the fat, as long as I make healthy food choices. It's just so hard to accept the logical, when you've been so illogical for so long. Luckily (I think), my mother got rid of our scale, so now I can't focus on this stupid number that is so important to me.
I just hope this isn't another phase, and that I can stick with this and not revert back to old habits. And it's sad that "old" is really a day or so ago... :\\