Eat to Live III - support thread for eating disorders - Page 15 - VeggieBoards
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#421 Old 05-06-2004, 07:18 PM
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AHHHHHHH! damned back buttoun. My whole (long, and very detailed) post is gone!!!!

now im even more stressed now...

oh well, forget it... Im not even going to bother trying to type it all out again. Point is I freaked today and tottally obsessed with my calories and my calorie limit. I should be trying to get better but the calories ALWAYS END UP GETTING TO ME!!!!

I want to get better.... or do I? I dont know anymore. I know I have to but I ALWAYS screw up. The numbers haunt my life so bad. I got so stressed today and I've binged. I ate a bunch of crap but still managed to keep to my limit atleast. I feel bad that Im happy about that. I should want to be better. Im just so scared.

The calories are my problem. I dont want to die, and I dont want to see people worrying over me any more but it seems that the numbers have power over me. Can you guys help? This is sooo confusing. I feel so blah today.
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#422 Old 05-07-2004, 08:51 AM
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krista- yeah, I would explain, but I think it might get too graphic. But I am not putting myself in that situation again. end of story. no excuses. just no more.

clickman, if you were serious about getting better, you would stop reading calories. You have complete control over this, even though it doesn't feel like it. You need to picture yourself as who you want to be, and imagine what the successful clickman would do- he would eat. He would spend all the time he spends fretting over insignificant calories doing something to help the world, like taking care of more sugar gliders, or building houses for habitat for humanity, or reading some really good books. it is hard to recover from an ed when it has become your hobby and your life (I don't know if this is the case with you, I just know it is with some), so pick up another activity that will fill the hole that will be created by the absence of your ed, and do something to make the world a better place. I always got the feeling that I was just taking up space (although not very much) and it made me feel so guilty that there were 4 billion people in the world worse off than me and I was worring about what I ate/didn't eat/would eat in the future. Eat to fuel your body. Your body is a machine, put gas in the tank and go!
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#423 Old 05-07-2004, 08:59 AM
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mer-girl -- I asked at work and someone explained it to me. Never thought of it...that way Well, learn and go forward. Now...



Was he wearing a condom? Are you on birth control? If no to both, did you get emergency birth control? Even if it was only for a second, even if he didn't come, you run the risk of pregancy. It's your body and you need to treat it properly in all areas, including sexually.



For the rest of you...



I've suggested it before and will so again - volunteer. Those of you who find yourselves only thinking about food, calories, yourselves - volunteer. Not only does it get you out of the house (which is all some of you need), but it will help you focus on other people instead of just yourself. You'll see different people, their different problems and you'll be able to look at yourself in a different way. It does help, especially if you are depressed.
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#424 Old 05-07-2004, 02:09 PM
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mayuko and everybody (its relevant) I read what you wroteto krista aboutyour frustration about your weight . and it reallystruck a chord with me and what i went through physically and mentally the time i was gone and before i left.



for those that dont know i will sumarise quickly that i have bulimia, and it had gotten, despite all attempts on my part to recover, way out of my control. so i accepted to enter an intensive day treatment program that ran till 7:30 at night.



Ok so back to my point before i went in because of the way i was eating (or not eating) my weight was skyrocketing and that was terrifying and confusing me and just worsening my symptoms. and i could not and would not believe them that by eating 2 meals and and 2 snacks a day there 4 days a week and attempting to do that at home that my weight would start to stabilize. and actually im a little unusual when it comes to edpatients it seems cause i will refuse to get weighed i dont weigh myself i hate the scale. so i didnt look at my weight the first two weeks but since i have and my weight remained within a sane amount and now 3 months later and considerably symptom free - much less bingeing and eating at least 2 meals and 2 snacks if not 3 meals- my weight is slowly decreasing back to its natural weight before all this started. although im not sure its obvious from the avitar photo (obviously im not the best judge of my appearance) but going by what my body maintains naturaly im a good bit above it. but whats good, is that if i had to maintain this to recover i wouldnt kill anyone



anyway all this to say that your body knows how to regulate itself and it may take time and it may not. I can go into why. but i dont think this is this place for lesson in biology.. maybe another thread its all about set point and such. but there are a few more theories that go along with it or rather along side it.
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#425 Old 05-07-2004, 03:14 PM
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As I was telling you guys beforethere is this girl at my school who is really anorexic and I did end up going to my health teacher and the girl is already in the process of getting into Avalon to get help! I was talking to her little bit about my experience and stuff and she asked me what I found to be most and least helpful in recovering. I was wondering what you guys found most helpful that way I could get a response from someone else too so that she can best help this girlcuz she has a rough road ahead of her! Alsojust so everyone knows Avalon is a day-treatment program, so if anyone has been in one before Id be interested to know if it helped them. My only worry is that since she does get to home at nightshe would be free to disregard her meal plan and flip out about how much she ate that day (because it will be a lot in compared to the tic tac and gum she has for lunch now) and develop other bad habits. Any input is much appreciated!
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#426 Old 05-07-2004, 06:17 PM
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krista,

I feel sooooo dumb because my answer is no to both. I completely freaked out, and at 2:00 in the morning I made him get on the internet and find the nearest planned parenthood (there is one just around the corner from my college). I was smack dab in the middle of my period, so we figured that the chances of me being pregant are very slim, so I didn't take the emergency pill. I am 99.999% sure I am not pregnant, but I guess will see next month
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#427 Old 05-07-2004, 08:34 PM
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I think, now that I'm home, it's easier to make an effort to get better. If that even makes any sense. It's easier for me to eat actual meals without thinking about the numbers because my mom makes my food and throws away the packaging before I can get to it and decide it's too much. However, I have almost memorised the calorie content in most of the things I eat, so I still have a pretty good idea.



But the thing is, I don't feel as guilty about it, because, since I haven't gotten a job yet, and I'm working on toning up for that audition, I do the NYC Ballet workout twice a day, I do a little pilates when I'm stressed out, and I walk nearly everywhere, so I'm getting a lot of exercise and I'm actually hungry, and I want to have the energy to continue doing all this exercise.



On the other hand, though, since I don't have a lot to do other than clean, exercise, and think about this audition, I find myself thinking about how easy it would be to just starve myself down to whatever weight I currently feel would make me happy. I know I could do it - all I really want to lose now are a few vanity pounds, and that would only take a few weeks. But I know that once I get there, it won't be good enough. And do I think passing out is going to get me this audition?



And I'm deathly afraid of gaining weight, even though, logically, I know that the amount of exercise I get is going to burn the fat, as long as I make healthy food choices. It's just so hard to accept the logical, when you've been so illogical for so long. Luckily (I think), my mother got rid of our scale, so now I can't focus on this stupid number that is so important to me.



I just hope this isn't another phase, and that I can stick with this and not revert back to old habits. And it's sad that "old" is really a day or so ago... :\\
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#428 Old 05-07-2004, 08:45 PM
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mer-girl, You *can* get pregnant in the middle of your period. Sperm can live inside you for up to 5 days. Some women ovulate shortly after their periods...



It's done, so there is nothing else to do but wait and see. Most likely you aren't, but this is an important lesson to take with you. If this happens again, get yourself to the nearest doctor and get the emergency pill asap - within 36 hours is best. And, if it does indeed happen again, then you need to a) stop putting yourself in that position or b) admit you are having sex and use protection.
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#429 Old 05-07-2004, 09:27 PM
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I've been lurking here for a long time and I just want to thank all of you.



Though I haven't really posted, I was pretty much anorexic for about 10 months last year. Doesn't seem like much compared to everyone else, but I had some good friends to help me realize what I was doing to myself and positively influenced me.



I started reading this thread and reading all the positive stuff here has really helped (especially in the post-ED weight gain department) and made me realize that life is about more than counting calories, etc. and I needed to get healthy even if that meant gaining weight (which I have). In fact I think this thread pushed me to change my ways.



Well anyway, just wanted to let everyone know Now that I think about it I don't really know what I'm thanking you for, but reading everyone's trials/errors/successes has helped me through. Thanks
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#430 Old 05-07-2004, 09:35 PM
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#431 Old 05-07-2004, 10:11 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by monkey086 View Post

Alsojust so everyone knows Avalon is a day-treatment program, so if anyone has been in one before Id be interested to know if it helped them. My only worry is that since she does get to home at nightshe would be free to disregard her meal plan and flip out about how much she ate that day !



I almost went to avalon last summer....



I also am still in a day program and as to what has been the most and least helpful in my recovery the treatment there has been one of the most helpful things, i have learned quite a bit about myself while i was there and yes it is posible to totally disregard the meal plan at night and on weekends (they are free time at avalon too) that is part of the learning curve. and it is part of what mad it hard and what makes you accountable for your own recovery. the least helpful was being made to wait for intensive treatment till i couldnt function like a human being. also least helpful was myself, that sounds stupid. but i was never open minded enough in therapy to what the therapist was telling me about me. I was always sabotaging therapy thinking i knew best. therapy is a process and there are 2 people participating in that process.

anyway i think day treatment is great, better than inpatient cause you can still continue with at least part of your life while you are there, and at least where i am you get more intensive therapy.



Sas



by the way im off this week from said program hence my crazy bum posting. sad to say will be somewhat quieter (but still here and posting as of tuesday)
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#432 Old 05-07-2004, 11:16 PM
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Hey Everybody!





I'm still alive too. Life is super hectic right now- I just moved, I'm in the middle of finals, and I'm staying with friends until I'm done with school. My performance a few days ago went very well. I'm very excited about the direction my life will be moving in soon. My only obsessive food thoughts lately have been me trying to come up with vegetarian meals that have enough protein while I'm living off of restaurant food and the hospitality of friends. I've really been indulging my mind with my passion in life- singing and music- and that's greatly helped to keep my mind off of food and my figure. However, in imagining this great new life I"m gonna have, I'm still tending to imagine myself thinner, but I'm fighting that. I had a dream the other night that I weighed myself and it was less than the weight I think I'm at now, and it made me happy. I don't have a scale! I don't think I ever should! Anyway, I don't have time to say much more. Take care everyone!
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#433 Old 05-08-2004, 02:37 AM
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I hereby resolve to NEVER put myself in that position again. And all I can do now is just pray. If my period is late, I'll come running to you guys with "oh my god, the world is crumbling beneath me, what should I do?" so, you'll know what's up. thanks for the hit-over-the-head Krista, I needed it.

-gabrielle
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#434 Old 05-08-2004, 06:29 AM
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I'm not sure if this is the place for me to post, as my problem is not in eating too little, but in eating too much. My weight has yo-yoed all my life since I've often turned to food for emotional comfort, out of boredom or loneliness, when I was stressed out, etc. Yet I'd eventually "get it together", start eating healthy and lose pounds, only to repeat the cycle again. I really do feel so much better when I'm not heavy (like I am now), and more importantly, when I'm in control of my body/life -- but how do I do that and get my weight down in a sensible way, breaking my yo-yo pattern for good?



Lately my life has been very stressful as we were trying to sell our house and also looking for a new, smaller place. Found myself turning to food and I hate when I do that. Only feels good for a short time and then I feel worse - physically and emotionally. Sometimes I don't even like the junk that I'll turn to, almost mindlessly. My larger clothes are tight and I don't like what I see in the mirror. I'd like to get off this merry-go-round. I want to feel good about myself again.
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#435 Old 05-08-2004, 09:23 AM
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earthsong - this is totally the place for you! we've had many discussions about how much it sucks that overeating is not taken as seriously as an eating disorder as undereating is, because it makes it that much harder for someone to get any help for it.
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#436 Old 05-08-2004, 09:38 AM
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Earthsong and Anna - Welcome!
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#437 Old 05-08-2004, 10:51 AM
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Awww, I feel so welcome here
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#438 Old 05-08-2004, 10:59 AM
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Java...thanks for your input! Just one more question...as I said before, this will be this girl's first attempt at treatment and I'm not so sure she is on board as I have never spoken with her. I'm guessing she is still in denial and does not believe that she has a problem yet. I don't know what point you were at in recovery when you went in over the summer, and that's fine if you wish to not say, but did you have ay experience with any patients that came there right off the bat and were not in a good spot at all? How did they do?



btw...do you live in New York??
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#439 Old 05-08-2004, 11:54 AM
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Hey all,



I tend to not really post much, just read, but I figured I'd introduce myself into this thread. I would consider my eating habits to be classified as "ED-NOS"~eating disorders not otherwise specified. Over a year ago I was pretty much borderline-anorexic, never took it too far, but lost weight by major restriction and starvation, people always commenting on how skinny I was. Began bulimic habits in about October. Still struggling with myself as to recover or not, I know its the right thing, but sometimes it just doesn't feel like it. *sigh*



Hugs to you all~
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#440 Old 05-08-2004, 01:31 PM
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I've just binged again. I'm not eating for the rest of the day and doing a major cardio blast this evening to try and do some damage control.



I hate this... why do I do this??? What's the deal with Saturdays lately for me???

I feel disgusting. I tried to purge a few minutes ago and could only get myself to gag. So now here I am trapped with all this useless junk food inside of me. Totally unnessesary.



I didn't have to do this!!! I could have felt light and healthy today like I've felt for the past few days but OH NO..... I had to and ruin everything AGAIN.



I really loathe myself.
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#441 Old 05-08-2004, 02:45 PM
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earthsong, anna, veggiegirl, welcome! makesure you read the rules at the beginning of the thread, no numbers ect, as some of us are easily triggered. I hope that we can provide the support and love the you guys need!

PB- tomorrow is a new day. don't dwell on this, drink a lot of water, read a book, watch a movie, get your mind off of it. You are not going to be fat for the rest of your life just from today's binge. It happens, it is part of the process- you would have to be super-human to recover cold-turkey. the only thing you can do now is forgive yourself
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#442 Old 05-08-2004, 02:49 PM
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BTW, for the new people posting here, please read the very first post of this thread.



If I see things going off into an all-negative, name-calling vent fest, I will start calling out names and asking you to behaviour yourselves.
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#443 Old 05-08-2004, 03:09 PM
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Thanks Cissy, Mayuko and mer-girl for your kind welcome. It is very good to know that there is a place to come for support and friendship.



I think that what I wish I could do most of all is to stop turning to food as some sort of drug, but put it back in it's place as an activity to nourish my body. Logically, it really makes no sense to eat because I am angry or stressed or bored, etc.



There are other ways I should be able to deal with emotional issues. And the truth is that not only are the numbing/calming effects of this drug very temporary, but the rebound makes me feel even worse than before. Then I have physical discomfort, guilt, lethargy and depression over the way I look --and the eating doesn't solve the "trigger" problem anyway. Makes no sense...
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#444 Old 05-08-2004, 06:48 PM
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Welcomes extended to Earth/Anna/Veggie Please, get help when you can. It's ironic for me to say this, since I myself have not been able to go and get help yet. I know it's hard, because I'm still at that stage where I want to get help, but don't want to suddenly be haunted over what I eat.



Today, I ate lunch (vegetable soup), and then had apple for a snack later in the afternoon. (My idea of lunch, though, was at 9:30AM.) In the past hour or so, I've gotten real jumpy, with no real reason. I didn't have anything of substance, but I did get something that I could eat that's at a nutritional level that I'm comfortable with, the soup. I had soup later in the evening again, because I was hoping that eating something would get me to stop feeling like I had two big cups of coffee or something, even though I didn't have any caffeine and had just a small amount of sugar, and that was back around 2:00. Gragh, I hate feeling like this.



I had someone at work ask me how I've been able to lose so much weight. (We're on a pretty friendly basis with everyone, joking often, etc. at my place) It felt uncomfortable to come up with other excuses, since I wasn't going to suddenly announce my problem or anything to people at work. Tomorrow is the one month mark of my ED, and I feel like it's been alot longer. I don't think I'll be able to meditate tonight like I usually do if this keeps up, which stinks. It's the one thing that lets me pull myself together and just not worry about anything.



Positive: I was started working on the presentation aspect of a project that I need to finish by Friday.
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#445 Old 05-08-2004, 08:30 PM
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Hello and everyone and welcome new people. So I got home yesterday and so far things are fine. I just have to stay focused on getting better while remembering where I've been since I don't want to go back there! I'm going to interview for a job next week, but I'll try to enjoy a couple days of not doing too much first.



I'm too tired to write to everyone right now, but I am thinking of all of you a lot. Be good to yourselves!
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#446 Old 05-08-2004, 09:49 PM
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clickie - yeah, i always used to get really paranoid when people commented on my weight loss and/or asked how i did it. i started coming up with some really harebrained responses just to get people to leave me alone ("my schizophrenia meds leave me vomiting all the time," etc ) -- of course, if i cared that little about what people's reactions were, i could have just told them the truth!
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#447 Old 05-09-2004, 07:40 AM
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Well, I am in pain still...how stupid is that! I am going to my doctor on Wednesday for my follow-up and I will explain that I still seem to have a hernia (I am sure she can still see it..it is very apparent)...and I am living in constant pain. From what I gather...I should have felt better at the most...3 days post op...it is now over 2 weeks post op!



As for eating, I am doing a bit better...I have this motto...each day is a new day...and it seems to be getting me along pretty well...maybe I will stop posting here as my problems aren't as bad anymore...who knows, I have gone through this before and swung down the path of destruction again--not trying to though.



So, happy Mother's day to everyone who is a mother...those who aren't, give your mommies a hug! My babies are so awesome, they were talking about what they were going to get for me..hehe! I would just love a fingerpainted picture or something...motherhood is awesome!



Love you all,

Sarah
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#448 Old 05-09-2004, 11:39 AM
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So far, so good. I've suddenly discovered all kinds of energy - even though my period started. I'm planning on taking a jog in a little while, and I'm baking a cake for my mom, and I plan on enjoying it with my family. It just makes so much sense to me now. Food = fuel. It's that simple. I don't obsess, and I just eat what my mom gives me. If you have someone to help make the decision to eat for you, then you're less likely to second-guess yourself, restrict, binge, or otherwise make a bad food-related decision.



SL- That's my motto, too. I get so mad at myself for either eating too little in a day, or eating "too much", so I have to remind myself that I can either obsess and be miserable, or get over it and just do better the next day.





And welcome to all the new people!
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#449 Old 05-09-2004, 03:50 PM
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Okay, so you guys tell me if I am overreacting or if I should be upset. Okay over lunch, my mom randomly asked me, "So how did your roommates do with the Freshman 15? Any of them really pack it on?" Now, my mom knows that I have struggled w/ EDs. She saw how bad it got. And she said it anyway. I didn't even know how to react. I just said that I thought that was a rude thing to say. I mean, I gained weight and am still not particularly thrilled about it, but I am trying to deal with it, and it made me mad. The way she said it really got to me too. It sounded like "So did anyone get really fat?" I guess I'm kind of over it... nothing that I can do now.



SL- I'm sorry that you are still hurting, but relieved that your eating is better. Have a penguin...



VK- Good for you as well. I hope that the cake is delicious!
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#450 Old 05-09-2004, 03:56 PM
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SL, Vegankat i share your motto as well, holding on to something like that, remembering that today is not the end of the world and that tomorrow can bring new hope is so important. and the whole food=fuel thing veg-kat is so precious to me now and i have adopted my 'treaters" montra(sp) that food = medicine its so true being well fed is the only cure to both anorexia and bulimia. anyway. that aside im experiencing a little dip in the recovery slope havent had the best couple of days and am looking forward to the end of my days off. never xpected to hear myself say that. but hey a few months in treatment is worth a lifetime of health!



Sas
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