Frustrated with Husband and Others - VeggieBoards
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#1 Old 06-20-2015, 04:42 AM
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Frustrated with Husband and Others

I will start by saying that I do appreciate the changes my husband has made for me.

I just feel so frustrated being on my own level of change, and even my own husband isn't completely on board with me. I feel like he should be the very last person to make me feel like I'm overreacting.

I went plant-based a month ago. I was eating meat every day of the week, and while I did in the back of my head I knew animals were suffering, but I selfishly turned the other cheek like a lot of people...when I'm always complaining that most people don't take action against what they know is wrong because they are scared or don't care as much as they say, and all they do is debate with each other when neither one does a single thing to fix the problem.

Well, I decided to take the leap because I felt the guilt was less tolerable than the thought of never having it again. I wanted to be anything other than who I complained about, lol.

Basically, I'm having a hard time coping with my husband (not to mention friends and family, ugh). Before I was informed, both him and I rolled our eyes at the people who went veg*n for the ethical reasons and wouldn't shut up about it. We felt like they were holier than thou elitists, and extremists (yikes, I know, sorry). Well, then I made the switch, too. I've done a lot of personal growing lately and it's a little overwhelming.

My husband went plant-based on weekdays because he saw how very upset it made me, and he was surprised at the immediate health changes that occurred. Kudos to him for that, really!

The trouble is the weekends when he rewards himself with meat and processed junk that I hate even having in the apartment. I get so upset and, even when I know I'm probably being too demanding, I'm just NOT okay with it...and I get upset that he actually wants to eat it, that he sees tortured animal flesh as a reward.

While I haven't told him this because I think it will hurt his feelings too much, I actually get very turned off by him, grossed out even, when he's spoiling himself on the stuff. I also get hurt and unattracted to him when he says "you sound just like the 'cult' people you said you hated" or "God, you're doing your 'PETA' stuff again?" when I'm browsing this site or others like it.

Now that I know what I do now, how can I cope with him disregarding what I am so passionate about, and just sitting by quietly while people who say they can't even hunt stuff their faces with tortured animals, while telling me they switched to greener lightbulbs?? Not to mention all the people I know are secretly wrinkling their noses at me, referring to me as an "activist" as if that would be a bad thing even if I were actually one??

When I'm feeling my worst, I can't help but let the thought "am I even with the right person anymore?" cross my mind, and that makes me feel even worse.

Sorry for the wall. I'm upset and currently isolating myself in our bedroom because of snide comments.
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Last edited by MyNameIsGizmo; 06-20-2015 at 04:45 AM.
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#2 Old 06-20-2015, 08:41 AM
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Hello Gizmo, I understand how you feel. No one in my family is vegan and at first they were not understanding however over time it isn't a big deal and they respect my choice. Anything new is shocking to people, once he says you are living this way no matter what he will begin to just accept it.
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#3 Old 06-20-2015, 08:42 AM
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Hi @My NameIsGizmo and please don't think we are all so rude here! 

Anyway, change is hard, and you have made a big change in your life very recently. Lots of vegans live with people who eat meat, there are ways to make it easier for both of you. Remember, baby steps, and breathe.

This blog has helped some people on veggieboards. http://www.kitchentreaty.com/vegetar...n-the-kitchen/
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#4 Old 06-20-2015, 08:49 AM
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It can be overwhelming when you first switch to a plant based diet. You see the rewards; you understand the animal issues. It might seem that everyone around you has their head in the sand.

The intensity of these feelings could lessen with time. Remember that you, too, were once in denial. It's hard to be understanding, I know!

It does seem your SO has made many changes that a lot of people wouldn't dream of. Try to focus on the positive aspects of his changes.
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#5 Old 06-20-2015, 08:54 AM
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Take some deep breaths, just keep on keepin' on with your diet, and try to not judge others, ok? You dont know where they are on their journey.

I had my first encounter with a vegan 10 years ago, and just now have started eating vegan myself. 10 years ya'll. Talk about a delayed reaction.

So just chill out. You cant make anybody do anything.

Now, I dont have cook meat in my home anymore, although I was for a while, for my husband. He told me he didnt want me to buy meat/cook meat for him anymore, because the plant based meats I eat are more than adequate for him.

As a ethics boundry, I have asked that he/other family members dont bring pig/pork/bacon/ham into my home. I just cannot abide that. So far everyone has been very respectful of my beliefs. I just say, pigs are as smart as toddlers, and I cant cook/eat/have "toddler smart" meat in my home.
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#6 Old 06-20-2015, 08:56 AM
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Or as my husband says- bacon is delicious, but I bet pan fried toddler is pretty good too! I wont be eating either!
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#7 Old 06-20-2015, 09:53 AM
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Oh, I already knew that person was unsavory. I read other posts from him/her before I even posted, and I knew to expect nothing helpful or logical from their comments, lol. No CLUE how they haven't received the almighty ban-hammer yet!

I had a whole long response written out, but when the mod removed that negative comment, it wiped mine out as well and for some reason my form recovery doesn't work on this site. Great. No way I'm bothering to type it all out again, lol.

Basically, the gist was it flusters me that I'm now so passionate about what I feel is a very real and HUGE problem, like screaming at the top of my lungs in a crowded room, and I can't even get my close circle to look up. They aren't informed, but they refuse to research it or watch the footage of where their food comes from.

I already disliked mankind, and this whole thing really didn't help that....at all. lol.
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#8 Old 06-20-2015, 10:18 AM
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I would say tell him how you feel, straight up. tell him it hurts when he says x and why. also, it's ok to separate yourself from past beliefs now that you have been informed with new information. there's no shame in that
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#9 Old 06-21-2015, 05:14 AM
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Mod Message: Thread now reopened. Sorry to all for the delay: Leedsveg: Mod Team.
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#10 Old 06-21-2015, 06:12 AM
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Congratulations on making the right choice I am so happy that you managed it

As for your husband, this is a problem I agree. My partner is essentially the same (albeit a female version lol). All we can do is gently try to influence them over long periods of time. My partner has improved slowly/ vaguely, for e.g. she has virtually cut red meat out of her diet. That took her several years of being with me. Hopefully in another few years she will cut out the rest of the meat in her diet. I think your husband may be the same - someone who may very slowly change. He may never change as much as you have. Some people don't have the ability to empathise as much as we do I'm afraid But you can help him improve at least. Good luck and stay veg*an
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#11 Old 06-21-2015, 07:37 AM
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Is this still locked? If it's not, I'd like to say something in my view. Look at how you thought before you went all veggie. You thought vegans were disgusting and/or full of themselves.
You then informed yourself and found out they were right all along. So just let your husband change his view points on his terms. You can't expect him to see the light just because you suddenly changed yours.

But I will tell you this, ask your husband to keep away snide remarks. Those things are hurtful. Let him know that you need his support in this.
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#12 Old 06-21-2015, 07:42 AM
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Is this still locked?
It's now fully opened. Lv
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#13 Old 06-21-2015, 07:52 AM
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You can't expect him to change for you. He wasn't a vegan when you married him, and did not "sign on" to marriage expecting you to be one either. It sounds like he is at least trying to be receptive of this (to many) radicle dietary change your going through. That doesn't mean he has to do it too if he doesn't want it. He's a grown man capable of making his own decisions and having his own opinions. That said, he does not have to be disrespectful and rude towards you either. It sounds like you need to have a conversation about this, and not the kind where why you (or he) is 'right' about veganism comes up. More, a conversation that acknowledges you have differing opinions and how you can be respectful, fair and function in a relationship together with your differing beliefs.

Plenty of vegans are in relationships with omnis. I assure you not one of us would *choose* for our partner to remain omni, but at the end of the day, that is not our choice. Some common solutions in omni/vegan relationships (that make things fair for both) you and your husband might want to explore:

-He cooks his own meat/animal products
-Separate pots, pans, prep tools ext... for cooking vegan and animal foods
-Special shelf in the fridge for meat/animal products
-A conscious effort NOT to bring up each others dietary preferences in conversation
-Mutual respect for each other as adults capable of making their own decisions
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#14 Old 06-21-2015, 08:19 AM
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If I were you I'd sit down and have a conversation with him (like kiwibird suggested). Start with a praise, thank you for choosing to eat plant based through the week, then move on to the difficult part: I know we don't agree on this but I actually feel really strongly about it, please be careful what you say about my choices because it actually really hurts my feelings. He may not know how much it bothers you because you both used to make fun of people making the choices you are currently making. Good luck!
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#15 Old 06-21-2015, 09:05 AM
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besides, people change. My husband told me this morning he isnt "doing eggs" anymore. I think he is trying to go vegan without me noticing...

(so far he has dropped dairy and meat at home, and now he doesnt want eggs any more either!)
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#16 Old 06-21-2015, 10:07 AM
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I see this a little differently. Although I completely support you and your plant based diet, I also think you are being very selfish. You are now embracing a plant based diet because of something with in yourself. It makes you feel good and probably proud as well. You can't expect someone to just automatically change their life and beliefs just because you do. I think it is great he is trying during the week. If everyone on this earth were to cut out meet a few days a week it would have a very positive impact. One thing that you might be able to do is tell him that seeing him eat meat makes it very hard for you to stick with your plant based diet. That might work better than just giving a hard time for eating meat. I would also recommend that you share information with him and watch all of the Netflix documentaries. They seem to have a very big impact.
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#17 Old 06-22-2015, 03:22 PM
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I went veg, then vegan and didn't say anything.

My wife & extended family saw what was happening & asked questions. I never pushed anything on anyone.

Anyway, they are all now veg*n, and mostly vegan.

Maybe watch VEGUCATED or FORKS OVER KNIVES, with them for some good info.

All animals should be respected & should have the ability to lead a natural & enjoyable life. This means not eating them, or abusing them in any way.
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#18 Old 06-22-2015, 04:09 PM
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I would suggest that you stop treating your husband like a misbehaving child and realize that since you are the one to have changed, you are the one who needs to make this change as easy as possible on those you love and live with. You certainly should stop berating your husband for not making enough of a change - good heavens he's not eating meat five out of seven days - that's fantastic!

So, go buy or make fantastic vegan treats. At least try. Get some current, up-to-date cookbooks and play with veganizing your husband's favorite foods. Ask him to pitch in. Ask him to be your taste-tester and help you research recipes online. Involve him a good way, encourage healthy changes and show that your marriage is important to you.

Remember that you are very new to this. It will get easier as time goes on. Your loved ones will get used to this change, and will undoubtedly help you on this path, just give them a little time to get used to it. Be grateful, be generous, and be mature. This is very important stuff we're doing and we want it to go well.

It is our choices that show what we truly are far more than our abilities. ~A. Dumbledore
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#19 Old 06-22-2015, 07:49 PM
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I see this a little differently. Although I completely support you and your plant based diet, I also think you are being very selfish. You are now embracing a plant based diet because of something with in yourself. It makes you feel good and probably proud as well. You can't expect someone to just automatically change their life and beliefs just because you do. I think it is great he is trying during the week. If everyone on this earth were to cut out meet a few days a week it would have a very positive impact. One thing that you might be able to do is tell him that seeing him eat meat makes it very hard for you to stick with your plant based diet. That might work better than just giving a hard time for eating meat. I would also recommend that you share information with him and watch all of the Netflix documentaries. They seem to have a very big impact.
I don't think the OP is being selfish just because she wishes her husband cared about animals as much as she does...
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#20 Old 06-23-2015, 12:53 AM
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If you made some changes in your life, you can expect other to change.
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#21 Old 06-23-2015, 05:10 AM
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Ah yes the living with the omnivore challenge.

Like Kiwibird said there's lots of practical things you can do to make things easier for you both. I eat vegan during the week, vegetarian during the weekends - but I live with a committed omnivore.

Here's things we do:
1. He has a separate shelf and tupperware container for meat and cheese respectively.
2. He has mostly switched over to plant milks for coffees and cereals (but still has a splash in his tea of the 'real stuff')
3. If I make a vegan or vegetarian meal for both of us - he will prepare meat on the side (so tonight when I inflict vegan nacho's on him - he'll probably grill some chicken)
4. He does not make any snide comments about how I eat but I don't make snide comments about what he eats either
5. If he asks about something I will give him the facts (but I stick to the facts that I can talk about with confidence if I don't know I will admit to it).
6. Sometimes both of us voice our frustration - and acknowledge the other persons feelings. Also I recognise that my lovely fiance misses the fact that I used to cook him a meal every night - and now I don't. So he feels inconvenienced and that he's suffering for my choices - he also knows that this is unreasonable.

Also the early stages of any change of habit can be really challenging for both partners. Think about it from the point of view of the fact that you used to have this thing (eating meat) in common and you used to do it together and it made you feel good. Now one of you has suddenly (it's always sudden for the other person) stopped and even worse you've asked them to consider stopping - you've challenged the status quo! It's threatening because the other person has an irrational moment where they wonder what else you might be unhappy with (maybe them?). Now most committed couples will make this work - but it will require a bit of flex and understanding.
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#22 Old 06-25-2015, 01:30 AM
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I will start by saying that I do appreciate the changes my husband has made for me.

I just feel so frustrated being on my own level of change, and even my own husband isn't completely on board with me. I feel like he should be the very last person to make me feel like I'm overreacting.

I went plant-based a month ago. I was eating meat every day of the week, and while I did in the back of my head I knew animals were suffering, but I selfishly turned the other cheek like a lot of people...when I'm always complaining that most people don't take action against what they know is wrong because they are scared or don't care as much as they say, and all they do is debate with each other when neither one does a single thing to fix the problem.

Well, I decided to take the leap because I felt the guilt was less tolerable than the thought of never having it again. I wanted to be anything other than who I complained about, lol.

Basically, I'm having a hard time coping with my husband (not to mention friends and family, ugh). Before I was informed, both him and I rolled our eyes at the people who went veg*n for the ethical reasons and wouldn't shut up about it. We felt like they were holier than thou elitists, and extremists (yikes, I know, sorry). Well, then I made the switch, too. I've done a lot of personal growing lately and it's a little overwhelming.

My husband went plant-based on weekdays because he saw how very upset it made me, and he was surprised at the immediate health changes that occurred. Kudos to him for that, really!

The trouble is the weekends when he rewards himself with meat and processed junk that I hate even having in the apartment. I get so upset and, even when I know I'm probably being too demanding, I'm just NOT okay with it...and I get upset that he actually wants to eat it, that he sees tortured animal flesh as a reward.

While I haven't told him this because I think it will hurt his feelings too much, I actually get very turned off by him, grossed out even, when he's spoiling himself on the stuff. I also get hurt and unattracted to him when he says "you sound just like the 'cult' people you said you hated" or "God, you're doing your 'PETA' stuff again?" when I'm browsing this site or others like it.

Now that I know what I do now, how can I cope with him disregarding what I am so passionate about, and just sitting by quietly while people who say they can't even hunt stuff their faces with tortured animals, while telling me they switched to greener lightbulbs?? Not to mention all the people I know are secretly wrinkling their noses at me, referring to me as an "activist" as if that would be a bad thing even if I were actually one??

When I'm feeling my worst, I can't help but let the thought "am I even with the right person anymore?" cross my mind, and that makes me feel even worse.

Sorry for the wall. I'm upset and currently isolating myself in our bedroom because of snide comments.

I love these threads! You know why? I used to be the carnist in the relationship! I bet I've said most of the things your husband had. Maybe not to my partner because he was vegetarian when I met him and I wanted him to like me. But I KNOW I've made fun of so many vegetarians and vegans? Oh, the vegan things I used to laugh at.

The way my partner dealt with me required a lot of patience. He would just smile and nod, then when I crossed a line, he would literally say "You're crossing a line, don't".

Your relationship is different because you've been together for a while. Your husband's going to feel more threatened by your change.

So, rather than looking at his snide comments and thinking "he's being snide", think about what he's actually saying. I'd hazard a guess that what he's 'really' saying is "I don't want you to change because I like you the way you are".

The next time he says "Are you looking on one of those PETA sites?" maybe answer with something that will reassure him you haven't changed, just your actions (which I assume are now more in line with your values, than they were before). That's how I do it. There's quite a few friends of mine who make really horrible jokes on my vegetarian posts on Facebook and rather than responding angrily, I respond with "You know, I haven't changed. I'm just putting my values into action. I don't agree with violence towards animals, so I don't eat them". Very few people can argue that, even less can say it goes against their values.

More than that, I do recommend reading "Why We Love Dogs, Wear Cows and Eat Pigs". It helped me deal with carnists in a much better way. It showed me they deserve compassion too, so I think it might help you.


As for seeing meat as a 'reward', maybe that's because he doesn't quite see the animals on the plate as 'someones' rather than 'some things'. It's a difficult concept to face, so I don't blame him. But what I do, with my family, is intentionally not use words like "beef". I say "Oh, you've got a bit of cow on your plate" or "Her leg is right there" (in reference to chicken legs).

It's going to take him time, but your guy is doing a really great job already. I know it hurts you and by all means, tell him why it does. But pick your moment and don't explode at him. That never works.

Good luck!
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#23 Old 06-25-2015, 02:57 PM
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I will go as far as to say that I think you are in the wrong here.

It is not acceptable to find a mate, and then ask for them to change. If I marry an overweight woman, and then later decide that I want a skinny supermodel, I can't just start hounding my wife to exercise and diet every day, and to put on more makeup. This would not be fair. If someone is fine with the way they are, and you begin insisting that they change, this will never work. They have to want this change for themselves.

I'm not saying your husband will never change. I'm not suggesting that you stop trying. I'm just saying that, in my opinion, you must have an unlimited level of patience with him. He does not "owe" it to you to become a vegetarian.

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#24 Old 06-25-2015, 06:40 PM
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I will go as far as to say that I think you are in the wrong here.

It is not acceptable to find a mate, and then ask for them to change. If I marry an overweight woman, and then later decide that I want a skinny supermodel, I can't just start hounding my wife to exercise and diet every day, and to put on more makeup. This would not be fair. If someone is fine with the way they are, and you begin insisting that they change, this will never work. They have to want this change for themselves.

I'm not saying your husband will never change. I'm not suggesting that you stop trying. I'm just saying that, in my opinion, you must have an unlimited level of patience with him. He does not "owe" it to you to become a vegetarian.
I agree with this, in essence. We should accept our partners where they are when we meet them. It should completely be the partner's choice to change.

At the same time, we all know what it's like when we tell friends/family/coworkers why we're veg and they respond with basically "I don't believe you". I can only imagine how much more infuriating and hurtful it is, when a significant other responds in kind.

Wanting the person you're with to go veg, even though they ate meat when you met them, isn't the same (in my books) as asking your partner to change their body type (which by the way, if anyone does that, they're a jerk). It's asking your partner to believe you, to not just share your values but to put them into action. I think it's okay to want them to change, but for them to change for the right reasons.

OP,while it's probably hard for you to read views like Zack's.... They're actually right.

I didn't go veg for my partner. The fact he was a compassionate and patient person in the months leading up to my decision, really helped. He didn't tell me all my carnism was a huge turn off (and it was). Instead, he chose to look at what I was doing, which was not eating meat around him and cutting down on my meat consumption as a sign that I at least cared about his advocacy. Your husband seems to be doing a similar thing, so don't forget to focus on that too.

You will not be the reason your husband goes veg, so take yourself out of that part of the process. Instead, focus on how you can better answer his snide remarks, which I think are just his ways of expressing the worry that you've changed. Maybe he's even worried he's going to lose you.
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#25 Old 07-01-2015, 06:01 PM
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I will go as far as to say that I think you are in the wrong here.

It is not acceptable to find a mate, and then ask for them to change. If I marry an overweight woman, and then later decide that I want a skinny supermodel, I can't just start hounding my wife to exercise and diet every day, and to put on more makeup. This would not be fair. If someone is fine with the way they are, and you begin insisting that they change, this will never work. They have to want this change for themselves.

I'm not saying your husband will never change. I'm not suggesting that you stop trying. I'm just saying that, in my opinion, you must have an unlimited level of patience with him. He does not "owe" it to you to become a vegetarian.
Those are two very different things. Animals are forced to die if someone wants to be non-vegan. I strongly dislike it when other people insist that eating animals is a personal choice, they never think about the victims. It's always about them. Wanting your partner to have compassion is way different than expecting them to lose weight.

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#26 Old 07-03-2015, 12:20 AM
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Those are two very different things. Animals are forced to die if someone wants to be non-vegan. I strongly dislike it when other people insist that eating animals is a personal choice, they never think about the victims. It's always about them. Wanting your partner to have compassion is way different than expecting them to lose weight.
The question you must ask yourself is this: what is the superior strategy to preventing these animals from dying? I simply don't think that endlessly nagging your loved one will be very effective in getting them to change their behavior. It may even cause resentment, or encourage the behavior that you're trying to prevent, as an act of rebellion. I feel like you are more likely to inspire change by being patient and accepting.
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#27 Old 07-03-2015, 02:28 AM
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How many people became vegetarian because they were nagged into it? Or bullied? Or shown endless Animal rights videos? Or told they were a bad person? How many of these people stayed veg*n?

Even though one person has had an epiphany the other may not. You cannot make this happen and you will only make yourself miserable if you try. Everything is ultimately a personal choice - we all make choices every single day that impact other people and animals. What we have to decide is what we can live with. Most people view eating meat as a matter of survival - it's not something they see as an option. They have all fallen for the propaganda that it is truly eat or be eaten ... if you want to undo decades of this messaging you won't do it with a battering ram (aka constant nagging and outrage). You have to teach someone to think differently. That's not easy.

The thing we all seem to conveniently forget is that it's unlikely we one day suddenly made this decision. We will have take a thousand tiny turns to get to the answer that eating meat simply isn't necessary. Of course a lot of us will have had a watershed moment when it all coalesced and we saw clearly what the answer was. But most of us will also be able to look back on lots of other smaller steps that we were taking - not always consciously.

I've had to become quite expert on veggie nutrition. So I can tell my fiance where my protein comes from, where all my vitamins and minerals come from etc. I can present veg*ism as a logical diet - it's better for me, it's better for the environment and it's easy to achieve. He's now choosing eco friendly options, he's choosing plant milk - the important thing is he's choosing these things.
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#28 Old 07-08-2015, 09:50 AM
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Sad but true, to the rest of the world (at least the USA), vegans/vegetarians are the ones doing the strange, silly stuff. Long term, many people don't stick with it either, so it is seen as a fad diet of sorts, or a faddish way of thinking. Like a "Phase." The cruelty to animals is also seen as man's right or God's directive or something. People are trained from birth to think this way.

You kind or have to think of it as "enlightenment." You have figured out that all things have souls and must be treated with the same compassion, and you've seen through all the lies, but enlightened people are few and far between. Most are still backwards thinking and "don't get it." You can't force people to become enlightened. This is a personal journey.
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