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#1 Old 04-29-2004, 01:03 AM
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I had to write a humourous piece for my english class, so I choose a satire on veg*nism. I know it needs some work (ah who am I kidding, it sucks so far) but I wanted to run the basic idea by someone to make sure my attempts to mock the ignorant haven't backfired on me. I also I'm not too sure if omnivores would get it. Anyways any feedback would be much appreciated!! If you read it I will you! BTW, the fish tree was inspired by everyone on this board, hehe



oh and uh I can't figure out how to do the little attachment thing, so I'll just post the whole thing here.



A SPECIAL DOCUMENTARY ON: VEGETARIANS



\tTheres been a lot of fascinating talk lately about vegetarians: what they eat, what they dont eat and the reasons for why they eat what they do. This reporter decided to see for herself what really goes down in Hippy-town and find out why these dirty weirdoes think theyre so much better than everyone else.

\tI first visited a friend-of-a-friend-of-a-friend of mine who happens to know one of these intriguing creatures, and arrange an interview. When I get to the front door of her brick house, I knock cautiously. A pale, starved woman with blond stringy hair answers. Squirrels are perched on her shoulders. Come in, make yourself at home, she says. Youll have to excuse me for a minute; I was just about to take my daily vitamins. I seat myself on a wooden chair and watch her hobble into the kitchen, pour a glass of water and wash down a handful of colourful pills. Rather taken aback, I asked what the pills were for. Oh, she replied, those are my vitamins. Vegetarians miss out on a lot of nutrients because as you know, meat normally forms the basis of a diet. So I take my vitamin A, Bs, C, D, E and K. I also need to take protein, carbohydrate, fiber, iron and calcium pills since I dont eat a lot of dairy anymore. Well, isnt that the truth!

\tIts time to get to the questions. So, Kate, I begin. A lot of people are baffled by vegetarians and their refusal to eat meat. Could you explain what you do eat? She stares hazily at the wall for a minute then replies, well, there isnt really anything else in the grocery store for me to eat, so I mostly just munch of carrots and lettuce. You know? My vitamins take care of the rest. Oh, and I love water.

\tSo basically you just eat plants, I summarize. Oh yes, yes plants. I dont eat any animals, she affirms. Why then, I ask, do you not eat fish? Everyone knows they arent animals. Whoops, I can tell I hit a sore spot. She glares at me and exclaims that fish are indeed animals. Ive never quite understood that viewpoint; everyone knows that fish grow on trees. In fact, I just picked a bucket of them this morning and set them aside to bake a good old fashioned fish-pie.

However, Id run out of time and had to cut the interview short. Before I left she asked if I want to know about her reasons for being vegetarian: not this reporter! I exclaim proudly and let her door slam shut behind me. Damn vegetarians and their moral superiority. So todays lesson? Eat meat!

It's not in what you say, it's in what you do (Oasis)

Feeling bored? Why don't you wander over to my blog sometime. http://thebohemiankitchen.wordpress.com
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#2 Old 04-29-2004, 01:32 AM
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#3 Old 04-29-2004, 01:46 AM
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"Oh, and I love water!"



That was cute. Good job.



Who is your audience? I think most vegetarians would find the fish/tree stuff quite funny, but most omnivores wouldn't get it. Maybe a long diatribe on animals she won't eat would ring more true. "Not even chicken?" "What about fish?" "Surely at least bacon. I knew a vegetarian who ate bacon."



The squirrel on the shoulder was quite funny too. Though if you're wanting people to sympathize with her, you might make it imagined rather than real. "Her hair was a mess and her shirt was disheveled. She probably had squirrels racing through her hair earlier in the day." But the way you have it is funnier. Maybe you could give her a name that would make it clear that she's the stereotypical epitome of how people think of vegetarians... Miss Starry O'Tipe?
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#4 Old 04-29-2004, 05:56 AM
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lmao, I love it so far!
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#5 Old 04-29-2004, 06:06 AM
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But, how did she have the strength to lift the glass of water?
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#6 Old 04-29-2004, 11:02 AM
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Yah, we vegans are weaklings.



Well done!
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#7 Old 04-29-2004, 11:25 AM
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That was great! I don't think you'll have to worry about omnis "getting" the fish-tree thing, though. You played it out enough, "In fact, I just picked a bucket of them this morning and set them aside to bake a good old fashioned fish-pie." They'll get it.



The ending is great too. "Not this reporter!" Ha!
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#8 Old 04-29-2004, 01:26 PM
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Hooray, thanks! I love the Miss Starry O'type idea, I think I'll try and use that

It's not in what you say, it's in what you do (Oasis)

Feeling bored? Why don't you wander over to my blog sometime. http://thebohemiankitchen.wordpress.com
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#9 Old 04-29-2004, 01:55 PM
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#10 Old 04-29-2004, 02:15 PM
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I liked it!



After the water comment I think it switches from being satirical into being realistic. May want to tweak the ending.
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