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What do you do/say when someone apologizes to you?

Poll Results: What do you do/say when someone apologizes to you?

 
  • 52% (34)
    1. Deflect it. [i]"Oh, it's nothing. Don't worry about it." (change topic)[/i]
  • 16% (11)
    2. Approve it. [i]"I accept your apology."[/i]
  • 9% (6)
    3. Counter-apologize. [i]"I'm sorry, too, for ____."[/i]
  • 1% (1)
    4. Ignore it. [i](change topic immediately)[/i]
  • 0% (0)
    5. Refuse it. [i]"No, I will not forgive you."[/i]
  • 0% (0)
    6. Nobody has ever apologized to me.
  • 20% (13)
    7. Other. [i]Please explain.[/i]
65 Total Votes  
post #1 of 47
Thread Starter 
I've been reading some interesting ideas lately on how people respond when another person apologizes to them. How do you handle it?



Please vote and then post stating why you chose what you did, and whether you are male or female. If any of these options strike you as really ridiculous, please include that. (In a non-hostile way.)



What I've been reading suggests that gender impacts apology-reception styles. I'd like to find out whether that's true on VB.
"They call this war a cloud over the land. But they made the weather and then they stand in the rain and say '$#!±, it's raining!'"  Ruby, in "Cold Mountain"
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"They call this war a cloud over the land. But they made the weather and then they stand in the rain and say '$#!±, it's raining!'"  Ruby, in "Cold Mountain"
Reply
post #2 of 47
Where's the poll?



I'm a real weenie when somebody apologizes to me. I say "Oh, it's OK", even when it's not OK.
*this space not for sale*
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*this space not for sale*
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post #3 of 47
Quote:
Originally Posted by Amy SF View Post

Where's the poll?



I'm a real weenie when somebody apologizes to me. I say "Oh, it's OK", even when it's not OK.



I do that too

But I have a lot of respect for people who appologize, if they really mean it.
post #4 of 47
Thread Starter 
I was typing in the poll as you posted, Amy.
"They call this war a cloud over the land. But they made the weather and then they stand in the rain and say '$#!±, it's raining!'"  Ruby, in "Cold Mountain"
Reply
"They call this war a cloud over the land. But they made the weather and then they stand in the rain and say '$#!±, it's raining!'"  Ruby, in "Cold Mountain"
Reply
post #5 of 47
Its highly situational. If someone apologizes for something little, like bumping into me or something, I just say something like "no worries", "no big deal" whatever, which is an honest answer.



If someone is apologizing for something that they really needed to apologize for, you really have to handle that on a case by case basis. In a personal relationship I will be honest about how I feel (about what happened and the apology). At work etc I will probably be as diplomatic as I feel the situation warrants.



ETA:



Now that the poll has been posted I will say that, obviously, I deflect for little stuff where I don't think an apology was necessary. For serious stuff I think I often counter apologize but then I feel strongly that most interpersonal problems are not caused unilaterally.
post #6 of 47
I almost always say "It's okay" or something to that effect, so I voted for the first option. I always fell awkward when someone apologizes to me. It would be rude to not accept or ignore it, but if I say I accept the apology, I'm acknowledging that the apologizer did something wrong, and possibly making him/her feel bad. I guess if I'm really angry with someone, I might ignore their apology, but 95 percent of the time, I'll just say that they don't have to apologize.



You get two guesses at my gender. First one doesn't count.



ETA- Spelling
post #7 of 47
"Screw you guys, I'm going home."



Nah, usually I just say "That's ok, don't worry about it." Even if it's not.
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Follow me on Twitter - @_jorts
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post #8 of 47
i think it would depend on the situation. if someone i don't know does something like step on my toes or spill something on me, i just say "it's okay." if someone did something that really affected me and i was not okay with it, i might just smile and say nothing at all, or if i could think of something to say without acknowledging the apology, i might say that. i find it difficult to lie even about little things, so i can't say it's okay if i'm really upset.
post #9 of 47
Almost always deflect. If it's serious I'll thank them and say I understand (I usually do) or ask why they did what they did if I don't understand. If they obviously don't mean it I say "bull."



EDIT: I forgot, I'm female. I didn't forget that I'm female I just forgot to say so.
post #10 of 47
Depends on the situation. I go the "No problem" route when it's something inconsequential, like when someone bumps into you. If it's a sincere apology for something important, I feel like deflecting is a bit disrespectful. I take such apologies seriously. Usually I will say "Thank you" and accept the apology. I don't think I've ever not accepted an apology -- which doesn't mean the person regains my trust, if they've really blown it.
post #11 of 47
It depends.
post #12 of 47
Quote:
Originally Posted by Michael View Post

"Screw you guys, I'm going home."



Nah, usually I just say "That's ok, don't worry about it." Even if it's not.





Hey, that's what you have always told me!

I always suspected, now I know.



As for me, it depends on the situation and the person in question. If I like someone, I tend to be forgiving.

If I don't, no matter how sincere the apology, I typically tell them to **** off.
post #13 of 47
before i can vote i just need to know if we're talking about really minor stuff or more serious, and personal or at work/at the store type of thing ? because that's what it depends on for me



if i really feel like the person means it and i'm forgiving them i accept

if i i'm really really really really mad or i don't feel like they mean it i either refuse or pretend to deflect it (in a way that would show them that i'm still mad)

if it's something really small like someone bumping into me or stealing my pencil i deflect



i did the counter thing a couple of times too .... but i'm not big on that lol





and i ALWAYS take offence at people ignoring me in general, and even bigger offence when they do that as i'm apologizing to them, i don't feel like a person who can't even accept my apology is even worth my time, they can come back when they learn some people skills
post #14 of 47
I normally wind up telling them "it's fine" because I hate being mean and admitting that i'm not ready to forgive them. i'm not to good with accepting apologies. i find them to be awkward situations. so i normally respond with "it's fine" or "it's ok"
post #15 of 47
Its situational for me. I usually deflect or counter-apologize.
post #16 of 47
^^^ same here. but I voted "it's nothing, don't worry about it."
post #17 of 47
I usually ignore em, and shrug it off. People apologizing to you usually leads to you saying something nice like "oh that's okay," "yeah, I'm sorry too" or "You hurt me when...". That kinda stuff gives me cramps. So I just say, "Ah. So what has so and so been up to?" I don't hold grudges, but I just don't like the part where I'm supposed to accept apologies, considering I harldly ever apologize myself.
post #18 of 47
I do guilt really well so I almost always counter-apologise. I figure if the person has something they feel they need to apologise for (not talking an accidental bump in the supermarket line or whatever) then chances are, I may have done something to provoke that behavious in them.

I am not an easy person to live around/be around... I figure I'm probably a good part of the reason the person is having to apologise in the first place!
post #19 of 47
It really depends on the situation.
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Love the post? Why not buy the T-shirt!
http://www.kiz-shop.de/index.php?page=categorie&cat=8
http://www.kiz-shop.de/index.php?page=product&info=94
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post #20 of 47
it totally depends. I might say "you don't have to apologize. it's okay." or "thank you for apologizing" or "No, *I'M* sorry..." etc etc... it just depends on what the apology is for.
post #21 of 47
I'm not sure if its just a Canadian thing, but for whatever reason, if someone was to step on my foot, I would apologize. Its this automatic thing, and it happens all the time in bus stations, etc.



Otherwise, I usually say "It's fine" as well. Unless the apology isn't heartfelt, or I feel the need to stop them from saying sorry (eg. apologizing for something that they shouldn't be apologizing for - like crying).
post #22 of 47
I picked Other.



Basically what Remilard said. I don't say "it's OK" if it's not or "no big deal" if it really is a big deal--I'm more likely to say "Thank you" or "I appreciate that." But I did have to train myself out of the deflection response.
post #23 of 47
I voted that I deflect, and say 'it's okay'.



But I also tend to counter-apologize.



I even apologize for things that aren't my fault, ranging from a stranger who bumps into me on the metro to more serious relationship issues...always apologizing.



Interesting topic.
post #24 of 47
My vote was other. If someone apologizes to me I accept the apology and forgive them. If they have really hurt me (this is where the other vote comes in) I tell them that I do forgive them but I do not wish to continue the friendship. I don't think that means that I don't forgive them it just means that I am not going to put myself in a position to be betrayed or hurt again. When someone sincerely apologizes I find it hard not to accept the apology. It takes balls to admit when you're wrong. I should know! I'm the Editor and Chief of "Foot In Mouth Magazine".
post #25 of 47
Thread Starter 
Ah, pardon the confusion. (Here I go, apologizing to y'all in the apology thread!) I meant apologies that are more than just bumping into a stranger at a store or stepping on someone's foot. It could be anything from screwing up a group project to cheating on you, but hopefully you don't get cheated on often enough to have a habitual response.
"They call this war a cloud over the land. But they made the weather and then they stand in the rain and say '$#!±, it's raining!'"  Ruby, in "Cold Mountain"
Reply
"They call this war a cloud over the land. But they made the weather and then they stand in the rain and say '$#!±, it's raining!'"  Ruby, in "Cold Mountain"
Reply
post #26 of 47
if it was accidental, or i could understand the person's actions, i'd try to assure them that it was okay.



if someone did something that they were fully aware would be harmful or hurtful to me, i don't think i could accept an apology.



if i thought what they did was partly my fault, i might counter-apologize.
post #27 of 47
Deflect. I'm so mellow that practically nothing bothers me. And if it does, I'll usually forgive them quickly enough.



I'll also counter appologize if I think it's warranted.



I'm a man.



Just kidding. Female.



Ha.
post #28 of 47
Quote:
Originally Posted by skylark View Post

Ah, pardon the confusion... It could be anything from screwing up a group project to cheating on you,...



If someone cheated on me, they needn't bother to apologise; Instead, they'd need to RUN!!



Very far and very fast.....
post #29 of 47
Quote:
Originally Posted by kirkjobsluder View Post

It depends.

I agree with Kirk.



By the way, Kirk. I apologize for that fit I threw on you a few weeks ago. You didn't have it coming. I was being hardnosed about it. You owe me no response, and you have already given me your apology.
post #30 of 47
Depends on the situation. Usually I deflect it, sometimes counter-apologize.
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