[Bobsy]

I originally planned on posting this in the Women's Forum, but I thought this topic may be of interest to many people here.

I watched a program last night on the Discovery Health channel called "Fat Girls and Feeders".

http://www.channel4....http://www.channel4.com/health/microsites/0-9/4health/food/ove_feeders.html

The above article describes the show. Basically, it looked at the phenomenon of "feeders and feedies". This isn't about men who are attracted to big women, rather it's about men who try to 'fatten up' their female partners.

The article gives the basics (and the rest of my post may not make sense if you haven't read it), but what struck me the most on this program was the language used by the 'feeders', the men married to the bedridden women. One man (the one in the photo), said that a fat woman was not an "easy thing to have" (referring to the about of care he provided for his bedridden wife, Gina). He spoke of "growing" his wife. He wanted her to be unable to do anything for herself, so that she depended on him utterly. His pleasure when his wife had to rest against him after shuffling to get out of bed was clear. When he spoke of taking care of the bedsores that had formed on her skin being as tough as elephant skin, he spoke of her as though she was a 'thing', the way many people speak of animals. She wasn't a person to him. He divorced his first wife for becoming too thin. To me, it appeared he wanted her to be so helpless that he had absolute power over her. Why else would he want his wife to be so huge she was unable to look after herself - unable to stand, unable to move, unable to wash?

Another woman, Debbie I think her name was, who had got out of one of these relationships (after a lot of planning with her mother, organising police, fire crews, etc), spoke of how she'd felt imprisoned within her own body. After an argument, her partner could get up and walk away and come back whenever he wanted - she was stuck there because she was too heavy --and weak-- to move. After she got out, medical professionals said if she had stayed, she would have had only 24 hours left to live.

The original man I spoke of, Gina's husband, labelled himself an "enabler", in that he didn't force-feed his wife, or feed her fat through tubes (the inference being that other men did this to their wives) - he claimed that the relationship was entirely consentual.

On the surface, it was. His wife, Gina, agreed to it all. She wanted to gain weight and hold the world record. She even did voice-overs for the videos he made of her to post on the internet ("Hopefully, this will be the last time I am able to stand on my own", etc). They made enough money from these videos for him to quit work to 'care' full-time for his wife.

Many people would view this as some sort of sexual fetish (and I think for most of them it starts out that way). But, to me, this is just another form of domestic abuse. No, there's no 'violence', however listening to these women speak was heartbreaking. Their self-esteem was so low that they seemed to believe that the fat was what defined them. If they spoke out against gaining further weight, their husbands and the FA (fat admirer) community accused them of falling prey to "diet culture".

People loved them because they were fat. It reminds me of what many people with EDs or depression say - if I take the illness away, what's left underneath? These women had so little self-esteem that they seemed to believe the same thing - the fat was the only thing of value. If they took it away, was there anything worthwhile underneath? Unfortunately, the relationships with their husbands only served to enforce this notion.

The saddest point for me was when Gina, who at the time of filming weighed around 420 pounds, watched a video of herself at over 800 pounds and said, 'it's hard to believe under all that there is a person.' She was still married to her 'feeder' husband (who made it very clear he was unhappy with her weight-loss), however I was heartened by the tone in her voice at the end of the program - she seemed to be beginning to understand what was going on. It was the only positive thing I could take from it.

What do you think? Is there any possibility that the program was unfairly biased in condemning this type of relationship? Can there be consent in such a relationship? Or is it a form of domestic abuse passed off as a fetish?

If the woman in this situation dies, is it murder?

Interested in any thoughts about this bizarre, but apparently sizeable, portion of our society.

[Alfiedog]

Oh how awful! I didn't read your link, I'll read it in a bit. But what struck me is that it reminds me of the movie "Boxing Helena":

Dr. Nick Cavanaugh (Julian Sands) is obsessed with Helena (Sherilyn Fenn), a woman with whom he had a brief affair. For her part, Helena feels nothing but disdain for Nick, and shows it at every possible opportunity. Nevertheless, one day the good doctor manages to lure the object of his desire to his home. The "romantic lunch" doesn't turn out as planned, but when Helena storms from his house and into the street out front, she's struck by a truck and seriously injured. Not wanting to lose Helena to a hospital, Nick elects to operate in his home lab, amputating Helena's legs, then keeping her captive during her convalescence. When she becomes too difficult to control, he takes things one step further and removes her arms, turning her into his prized possession.

[superjane]

It's very disturbing and sick. Definitely a form of abuse. Emotional manipulation is just as horrid as physical manipulation.

[Christy]

That sounds like the situation of a segment of this episode of the VH1 show Totally Obsessed:

Quote

Finally, meet Nicki McRoberts, who is so totally obsessed with gaining weight she won't rest until she is 600 pounds. To be sure she is ready for bikini season she's been spending her summer taking in close to 14,000 calories a day.

I couldn't understand how someone could want to achieve that, for themselves or their spouses.

[rincaro]

I can't even begin to think how you would consume 14,000 calories a day.

[borealis]

That's disturbing and sad.

[Bobsy]

Quote

I think about something I read not too long ago when researching Anorexia. I read that a lot of hosts won't allow pro-anorexia sites anymore...I wonder why then will they allow these 'get me fat' sites?

This is what I was thinking. By law, these people are doing nothing wrong. The fact that it's disguised as a sexual fetish means it's easy to 'leave them to it'. Whereas pro-anorexia sites are recognised as damaging by most people, the existence of this subculture is ignored because it appears to be something it is not.

Very, very sad.

[cavyslave]

coming from some one who became anorexic and bulimic when my daughters father thought i was too fat after i had her... yes it is abuse, sometimes the emotional abuse is worse than the physical(which i had to deal with also). some women(men too) will do anything to hang on to a relationship with someone they think loves them.

[Bobsy]

I'm sorry to hear that, cavyslave :hug: