Viewing Review: Fancy but functional blender - VeggieBoards

Fancy but functional blender Edit
by Sevenseas Combined Rating: 3.7

The Oster 6706 10-speed Blender is a fine addition to your kitchen arsenal. It is a bit on the expensive side considering its functionality, but if you want that professional look to your kitchen...
Pros Cons
  • You get a discount if you buy it from a friend who works for the mob
  • The blending isn't loud enough to drown out the sound of Lady Gaga

The Oster 6706 10-speed Blender is a fine addition to your kitchen arsenal. It is a bit on the expensive side considering its functionality, but if you want that professional look to your kitchen and a very smooth texture to whatever you want to blend, then Oster 6706 is your first choice.

 

It has 10 different speeds, and they all work for different purposes. Let me elaborate on the different speed settings, because I feel like if I didn't do that, and if at the end of my life I was on my deathbed and the time came to look back on my life, I would feel a profound regret over not having elaborated the different 10 speed settings of Oster 6706 at any point in my life.

 

Speed 1: This is the introductory stage. You hear a comforting sound from the blender, a relaxing "whirrr" as it is going about its business. No cause for alarm.

 

Speed 2: Things get faster. You start to feel disoriented as you observe the blender shaking noticeably, but your surroundings remain stable and comforting.

 

Speed 3: Your legs start to feel weak, and you feel as if someone was shaking your house, very slightly but still disconcertingly. The Oster is making a loud noise, you feel like it shouldn't make that noise...

 

Speed 4: Your whole kitchen seems to be overtaken by a strange pulsation, emanating from the Oster 6707. Some dishes start to fall from the cupboards, some chairs fall, you try to grasp for support from the kitchen counter.

 

Speed 5: You start to hear a rumbling sound coming from the depths of the Oster 6706. Is the rumbling sound some weird mechanical undertone, or is it in some weird language? You do not know, but by this time you feel like losing your grip on space and time, and the colors and shapes in your kitchen appear to morph into each other.

 

Speed 6: Yes, the rumbling sound is definitely some language, some ancient language that feels threatening. Your internal organs feel as if someone was squeezing them; it feels like the Oster 6706 is twisting them through some effed up telekinetic rays emanating from its center. You cry for help.

 

Speed 7: Your mouth is bleeding. The Oster is spinning incredibly fast and almost swallowing the whole room in its merciless rotation.

 

Speed 8: No escape now, nor turning back. The walls around you are burning, the kitchen floor has melted into the ground underneath, and it is hot and burning your feet. You wish you could stop the Oster 6706, but you can not.

 

Speed 9: You have a vague recollection of your kitchen, and how in that part of it there used to be a door to the living room. But that is a shadow of a memory at this point, as the Oster is shaking uncontrollably and as you are lying on the floor, holding your head with both hands in a vain attempt to protect yourself from the rumbling, grinding sound coming from the Oster. You see giant pillars erected to your left, and a bolt of purple lightning forming between them -- yes, you realize (but too late), that is indeed a portal.

 

Speed 10: Creatures are stepping through the portal, and you can sense their malicious thoughts and feel their evil breath on your skin, as they overtake this world.

 

All in all, I would recommend the Oster 6706 10-speed blender to anyone.

Comments
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danakscully64 06-08-2012, 09:25 PM

*slow clap*

Plant 06-08-2012, 10:52 AM

Meh, I bought one but the glass shattered during a neutron bombardment.

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