Well, the Breville 800JEXL has a diverse set of functions. First of all, you can push some apples through it, to get juice so nice and fresh and full of nutrients that your neighbors from a 15-mile radius will start pounding your doors and windows in a fit of frenzied desire for a glass. But that's just talking about apple juice; the Breville (or 'The Coolass Bre-meister', as I affectionately call it around the house while having intimate moments with it), proves its worth in many other ways as well.
You know when you've just been arguing about bluegrass music with friends and family, and the argument has escalated to its violent climax, and now you're dealing with a couple of bodies to dispose, and you've already done some of the hacking but you don't know where to put the body parts? I'm sure we can all relate. Well, a situation like this is where the Breville 800JEXL steps in (or it would step in, if it had tiny legs, but tiny robotic legs are only featured in the Breville 1900HJXL Walker model). You can squeeze a couple of medium-sized human limbs easily through the machine, although with some bigger torso parts, the Bre' can make this annoying crunching sound that distracts me from recording anger management and yoga podcasts.
That's not all, however. The Breville has a small handle from the side that not only helps you carry the Bre with you to wherever you want to go: jury duty, weddings, your son's Christening, to a public shower. It also transforms the Breville into an efficient melee weapon to swing around, for causing severe blunt damage, whether in self-defense or just when someone has been badmouthin' the Bre', and you want to teach them a fricking lesson.
Well, I could go on and on about the Breville's features, and indeed I will, as I already have a "Thoughts on Breville 800JEXL" five-part audiobook in the works. But for this review, I'll just mention that the Breville also has an elaborate 90-page manual in five languages: Arameic, Klingon, Klingon again, Klingon for a third time, and Broken Swedish. And the cord is 5.6 miles long, so basically you can just plug it in, leave your front door open and go on a picnic to a nearby park, without needing any batteries.
I hope this will be enough to convince anyone of the Breville 800JEXL's value.