Extended Family Concerns - VeggieBoards

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#1 Old 05-21-2016, 04:03 AM
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Extended Family Concerns

Hi everyone!

My fiancé and I recently reached an understanding about our diet, that was basically we will be 100% vegan at home, and I'm not comfortable with any animals products in the house, and he understood that. One of my main reasons is because I don't want those products around my 5 year old daughter as she is transitioning to a vegan diet with me.

Last time we went to his family's house his mother cooked bacon, and my daughter threw a fit when I tried to explain that it wasn't vegan, so for the sake of not creating a scene I let her eat some.

We were planning on going to visit his family again next weekend, and my fiancé already said something along the lines of "so what if she (our daughter) eats a bunch of bacon etc? It won't hurt her" Honestly I'm not as concerned about it hurting her health as I am it making the transition more difficult for her, because those products will still be in her system and in her tastebuds. I've worked really hard to help her transition to vegan and she is doing a really great job.

Another thing that frustrated me about his comment is that he basically made it clear that he wasn't going to support me in keeping her eating vegan throughout the weekend. He also made it clear that he was going to eat whatever he wants. If we are surrounded by his family in a small space and everyone is eating animals products including her dad... and I don't have his support... its going to be really hard and stressful to keep my daughter from eating those things. I already feel awkward myself for making this transition around his family, I'm sure they think I am so crazy liberal hippy, or that I'm going through a phase. I don't want to make anyone feel bad or guilty and I definitely want my fiancé to be happy and enjoy his family time.

Sorry for a bit of a downer post today, I appreciate you all listening! Any advice or suggestions are appreciated
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#2 Old 05-21-2016, 05:27 AM
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I keep typing stuff and then deleting it. A tough situation.

Tbh I think your daughter is going to eat some non vegan things along the way of her growing up. At five, I wouldn't overwhelm her with too many choices. You and your fiance are going to have to decide what you will and will not offer her. Making her a plate rather than passing the food is a way to get a bunch of good stuff on there. And he is going to have to control his family if they start dangling bacon in her face.
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#3 Old 05-21-2016, 08:23 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wildflowerliz View Post
Hi everyone!

Another thing that frustrated me about his comment is that he basically made it clear that he wasn't going to support me in keeping her eating vegan throughout the weekend. He also made it clear that he was going to eat whatever he wants. If we are surrounded by his family in a small space and everyone is eating animals products including her dad... and I don't have his support... its going to be really hard and stressful to keep my daughter from eating those things. I already feel awkward myself for making this transition around his family, I'm sure they think I am so crazy liberal hippy, or that I'm going through a phase. I don't want to make anyone feel bad or guilty and I definitely want my fiancé to be happy and enjoy his family time.
Your fiance is a very good person, with different beliefs than you.

By becoming vegan, you've taken action to minimize unnecessary violence in your life. Any person would objectively conclude that this is a good thing (even if they themselves are not making the same choice). You do not need to feel awkward around his family.

You are working hard to help your daughter adopt a vegan diet. You've invested considerable time in learning about vegan nutrition, and in learning about the specific nutrition needs of vegan children. A lot of work. A lot of responsibility. Your fiance's actions are undermining this time/effort, even though he doesn't mean any harm.

Question: If your daughter is a little shorter/skinnier than other kids, or if she has little health problems along the way, what do you think his family will say? Will they blame your vegan diet? Will they pressure your fiance to put meat back into your daughter's diet? How would your fiance feel in such a situation, when he is being pushed from both sides?

I hope you will forgive the direction in which this post is going. I made the mistake of dating a very nice (but omnivorous) woman for 7 years. Every shared meal was a source of low-grade disappointment and resentment. If we had had children, the situation would have been much more unfortunate. For both our sakes, I wish I had ended the relationship much sooner. To her credit, she is a wonderful and attractive woman, and I'm sure she's found a more suitable partner.

I married a wonderful vegan lady in 2011. Her entire family is vegan. I can't tell you what a difference this makes - going to her family's house, seeing rice and vegetables on the stove, seeing a huge pot of multi-colored beans. A blessing.



.

_________

“Under the twinkling trees was a table covered with Guatemalan fabric, roses in juice jars, wax rose candles from Tijuana and plates of food — Weetzie's Vegetable Love-Rice, My Secret Agent Lover Man's guacamole, Dirk's homemade pizza, Duck's fig and berry salad and Surfer Surprise Protein Punch, Brandy-Lynn's pink macaroni, Coyote's cornmeal cakes, Ping's mushu plum crepes and Valentine's Jamaican plantain pie."

from Witch Baby, Francesca Lia Block, 1991

Last edited by David3; 05-21-2016 at 08:43 AM.
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#4 Old 05-21-2016, 02:53 PM
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You & your husband have to decide what's best for your daughter.

Not your in laws, peer pressure, etc.

My daughter is raising her 9 month old mostly vegan.

Do what lets you sleep at night.
wildflowerliz likes this.

All animals should be respected & should have the ability to lead a natural & enjoyable life. This means not eating them, or abusing them in any way.
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#5 Old 05-24-2016, 03:55 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LedBoots View Post
I keep typing stuff and then deleting it. A tough situation.

Tbh I think your daughter is going to eat some non vegan things along the way of her growing up. At five, I wouldn't overwhelm her with too many choices. You and your fiance are going to have to decide what you will and will not offer her. Making her a plate rather than passing the food is a way to get a bunch of good stuff on there. And he is going to have to control his family if they start dangling bacon in her face.
Thank you for your response, it is a tough situation! I think you are right she will eat some non-vegan things along the way, and I don't want to be overly-strict and make it a big deal if that makes sense. That's a great idea to make her a plate, I will try to do that for sure! We were actually talking about it yesterday and she asked me if she ate non-vegan foods if it would be okay with me. So I asked her if she wanted to, and she said no.

Quote:
Originally Posted by David3 View Post
Your fiance is a very good person, with different beliefs than you.

By becoming vegan, you've taken action to minimize unnecessary violence in your life. Any person would objectively conclude that this is a good thing (even if they themselves are not making the same choice). You do not need to feel awkward around his family.

You are working hard to help your daughter adopt a vegan diet. You've invested considerable time in learning about vegan nutrition, and in learning about the specific nutrition needs of vegan children. A lot of work. A lot of responsibility. Your fiance's actions are undermining this time/effort, even though he doesn't mean any harm.

Question: If your daughter is a little shorter/skinnier than other kids, or if she has little health problems along the way, what do you think his family will say? Will they blame your vegan diet? Will they pressure your fiance to put meat back into your daughter's diet? How would your fiance feel in such a situation, when he is being pushed from both sides?

I hope you will forgive the direction in which this post is going. I made the mistake of dating a very nice (but omnivorous) woman for 7 years. Every shared meal was a source of low-grade disappointment and resentment. If we had had children, the situation would have been much more unfortunate. For both our sakes, I wish I had ended the relationship much sooner. To her credit, she is a wonderful and attractive woman, and I'm sure she's found a more suitable partner.

I married a wonderful vegan lady in 2011. Her entire family is vegan. I can't tell you what a difference this makes - going to her family's house, seeing rice and vegetables on the stove, seeing a huge pot of multi-colored beans. A blessing.



.
Thank you so much for your input! I do appreciate it. I had a couple really long conversations with my fiancé and we are coming to a better understanding. I realized that one thing that really bothers me is that I don't feel like he fully appreciates that I plan to be vegan for the rest of my life. I was afraid that he is just waiting for "the phase to pass" and when he realizes that it won't, then he will get fed up with me and by then we would be in way deeper. But he assured me that he is okay with me being vegan forever and he is okay with raising our kids vegan.

Honestly, I think the biggest difference between us is not so much our belief system as it is our willingness to believe that the world can change. I personally feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders after becoming vegan, because I am not contributing to the negativity that animal product consumptions brings to the animals, humans, and the environment. I feel better knowing that I am not part of that. My fiancé is not convinced that his actions can make a difference. The way he sees it, the world is going to end eventually (he watches the science channel a lot) and most likely we are going to over-run the earth no matter what, and he doesn't think there is anything we can do about it. So he's okay with eating plant-based and raising our kids vegan and supporting me in being vegan, but he doesn't feel that same weight lifted from his shoulders that I feel. So he's not getting the same benefits and intrinsic motivation that I get, does that make sense?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vegan Dave View Post
You & your husband have to decide what's best for your daughter.

Not your in laws, peer pressure, etc.

My daughter is raising her 9 month old mostly vegan.

Do what lets you sleep at night.
Thank you very much! I definitely feel better knowing that she is vegan and I think/hope both our families will understand that we have to do what is right for ours!!!
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#6 Old 05-24-2016, 01:07 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wildflowerliz View Post

My fiancé is not convinced that his actions can make a difference. The way he sees it, the world is going to end eventually (he watches the science channel a lot) and most likely we are going to over-run the earth no matter what, and he doesn't think there is anything we can do about it. So he's okay with eating plant-based and raising our kids vegan and supporting me in being vegan, but he doesn't feel that same weight lifted from his shoulders that I feel. So he's not getting the same benefits and intrinsic motivation that I get, does that make sense? !!
wildflowerliz likes this.

_________

“Under the twinkling trees was a table covered with Guatemalan fabric, roses in juice jars, wax rose candles from Tijuana and plates of food — Weetzie's Vegetable Love-Rice, My Secret Agent Lover Man's guacamole, Dirk's homemade pizza, Duck's fig and berry salad and Surfer Surprise Protein Punch, Brandy-Lynn's pink macaroni, Coyote's cornmeal cakes, Ping's mushu plum crepes and Valentine's Jamaican plantain pie."

from Witch Baby, Francesca Lia Block, 1991

Last edited by David3; 05-24-2016 at 01:10 PM.
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