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Dealing With Non-Vegan Family....

1K views 8 replies 5 participants last post by  Naturebound 
#1 ·
Okay, so...
I come from an Italian family, so food is kind of a big deal. Needless to say, family gatherings involve a lot of cheese, meat, etc. Navigating that can be challenging. I have always struggled with being isolated from my family in terms of my dietary choices. They are typically very supportive, but I do have some relatives that are not.

I have always been close with my uncle, but he is a serious foodie. He will eat almost anything and is the furthest thing from a vegan. During his most recent visit, he discovered that I had made the transition to veganism, and he pretty much teased me non-stop. Every time I tried to explain my reasons for going vegan, he shut me down and said I was being too serious. I'm not sure if he teased me because we are close and he thought it wouldn't bother me, but eventually I got aggravated and upset.

I really don't like people pointing out what I'm eating, or teasing me about not eating meat, because it is very triggering. When I see meat and other animal foods, I immediately see the awful images in my head of them being tortured and harmed. So, I tend to not talk about being vegan very often because I don't want to invite any attention.

My mom informed shortly after my uncle left that the two of them are trying to arrange a Thanksgiving trip for the whole family, and I told her that I could not see myself doing that. I typically make most of the food around Thanksgiving anyways and my family will usually eat what I make. Needless to say, I have a lot of issues with Thanksgiving to begin with, and I know that my uncle will want to have control over the entire menu, and I will have to make an entire meal for myself that will be picked at and made fun of. I also had plans to volunteer at the local ThanksVegan feast. When I told my mom that I didn't want to go, she got upset with me and said that she didn't want any conflict. She couldn't understand why I wouldn't just go. So now my mother is upset with me.

Maybe I'm being overly sensitive, but I just cannot see myself dealing with that. Maybe if it wasn't such a food-centered holiday I would consider it, but I do not like being singled out and made fun of for something that is incredibly important to me.

How have any of you dealt with non-vegan family that doesn't respect your choices? I know that some of you out there have dealt with much worse, so any advice is much appreciated. I guess I am trying to tackle this issue now so I can be prepared before the holidays hit.
 
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#2 ·
Family that really care for and respect you will usually come to respect your choices, in time.

Some people are uncomfortable around veg*n's and what they represent. They might make jokes or snide remarks as a result. As your family realizes that you are the same person, I'd expect the the remarks to taper off.

You might need to have a serious talk and explain that the jokes and comments are hurtful.
 
#5 ·
It does get better over time. One of the most important things is that you have a strong purpose in where you are going. Not many people understand what happens to us when we develop a distaste for eating dead animals. But the more we progress in our journey into being more compassionate the better then our influences have effects on such relative controversies. There are people in this world who are interested in learning greater ways of living and will appreciate your understanding of a more compassionate dead-animal-free consumption diet and finding those people and helping them with your caring is a valued purpose. That may not and often does not include certain family and friends. Most people are slow learners concerning meat due to it's being customary and an addiction etc. Some things are slow to change. You may only be able to help them by growing stronger and showing them by example. Goodness is a powerful direction to live for.
 
#6 ·
Dealing with veganism and the family

I totally understand where you're coming from! My family is Italian, and all they eat is meat and cheese! (I guess it's just part of their culture) The vegan jokes are something that never really go away, you kind of just have to laugh it off. We all know what our intentions and our thoughts are, they don't really understand, even after many conversations/debates. My immediate family is quite supportive, but when it comes to my aunts/uncles and Nonna/Nonno, they don't agree with it all all (purely because they are uneducated about veganism). The way I deal/compromise with them (even though it shouldn't have to be this way) is when it comes to family events (Christmas, Easter, Birthdays etc..) I eat what is being served. There really is no way of getting out of it with them. But whenever there is a vegan option, I will jump to it right away.
 
#7 · (Edited)
I have been fortunate not to have too much of that going on in my family. I really don't see or communicate much with my extended family as they all live very far away. My immediate family and my inlaws have been respectful for the most part, but sometimes the inlaws make underhanded comments not directly at me but maybe to their kids when they don't want milk or something that "you need dairy for your bones bla bla". I ALWAYS bring my own food and enough to share with the inlaws when I travel there for holidays. If I were to give in and eat nonvegan food I believe they would take my cause even less seriously and I would be less respected. By being consistent and standing up for what I believe over the years, my own family has taken more of an interest in my veganism. For a while both my Mom and sister became vegan, my sister for two years. My Dad has eliminated almost all dairy from his diet. Even my omnivore husband eats mostly vegetarian at home and avoids fast food restaurants now.

I started a new job last September and this group is far less receptive of my veganism than the people I worked with before. I love to cook and bake and share my vegan food but this group doesn't seem to want to partake in it much. They loved my hummus but beyond that they don't eat my food much. They prefer commercial donuts and other junk types of food over homemade so I have pretty much stopped making stuff for them other than a few times a year when we have big potlucks. It is sort of depressing but I have put my efforts elsewhere where it will make more of a difference. I am one of a tiny handful of people at my place of work of over 300 who cycles to work and a fellow cyclist there has taken an interest in my veganism so I have been able to share stuff with her.

My husband made demeaning remarks at first because he didn't truly understand why this is so important to me. It took a lot of patience and showing him materials (including studies from nonvegan sources like the Mayo Clinic on plant based diets etc) for him to start to come around, and also when he saw that this was not just a fad and that I have been healthy and consistent and done well with it over the years he became more accepting of it and even defends me around his family when political issues come up involving animals.

For the OP,

I would be open with your family about how much it hurts you that they disrespect your veganism. If they continue to ignore your feelings, maybe it isn't worth it to partake in their get togethers. I think volunteering at that Vegan festival sounds like a great opportunity and would also allow you to meet and spend time with people who get it and can provide support and camaraderie. You could still spend time with family when there is a nonfood event. I know it's hard to feel singled out. I know. I endured a three hour staff meeting a few months ago in a conference room and the meal served was meat/cheese pizzas and soda pop, two things I do not and will not consume. I brought in my own food but let me tell you I was VERY self conscious being the ONLY person not in line for pizza and eating something else. Some people knew about me being vegan but many did not (we have staff members who work from home and come in for meetings) and I am sure some of them thought I was on a diet or "too good" for the food offered. Thankfully no one said anything and I was still able to join in social conversation. I have social anxiety issues with eating around others so it was tough but it was more important to me not to eat something that came from an animal that suffered and was exploited for that food. You have my empathy.
 
#8 ·
Thank you for the advice everyone, it is so helpful to hear from people who know where I'm coming from. Naturebound, I totally feel you. I have issues with people focusing on what I eat in general, it gives me anxiety. I hate being singled out at work events as the only vegan, and I hate feeling like people think I am snobby for not eating what is offered. Sometimes I wish people would just ignore it. I just hate the way some people feel the need to focus on what someone else is/isn't eating...it's a little invasive. And sometimes I wonder if I'm being overly sensitive or overreacting, but I think you say it perfectly: It's hard to be singled out, especially when you have social anxiety around food in the first place. It's a lack of respecting boundaries, in my opinion.
 
#9 ·
I know what you mean! I really HATE it when people have to comment on my food. It's not too bad though if they are at least interested and think it looks good. Then it gives me an opportunity to show them that vegans aren't boring. :) But in general yes it is very annoying when people have to critique the way others eat. It isn't enough when you tell someone you are vegan to just leave it at that. No, they have to argue. Sighs. That happened to me at work. I had told someone in confidence when I first started this new position that I was vegan and she announced it to everyone one day. I was literally horrified lol. One woman seemed to want to argue with me and I told her I was not interested in getting into a political debate at work and that I have rules against discussing why I am vegan at work. It shut her up. You never have to put up with harassment, especially at work but with family too. If people can't respect your choice then it is their problem.
 
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