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#1 Old 03-28-2017, 08:29 AM
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Jokes

What do you say to an onion who buys you beer at the bar all night long?

You probably shay, "Thanx shallot!" --
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"I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Last edited by Ger Jonker; 03-28-2017 at 10:40 AM.
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#2 Old 03-28-2017, 08:51 AM
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How do grocers feel if customers do not have the exact change when they are buying something?

Usually, they don't carrot all. --

"I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
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#3 Old 03-28-2017, 09:54 AM
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Did you hear about the vegetarian chef who accidentally backed up into the meat slicer?

He got a little behind in his orders.
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"I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

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#4 Old 03-28-2017, 09:58 AM
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Did you hear about the animal rights activist who got hit when someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at him? --

Luckily, his wounds were only super fish oil.
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"I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Last edited by Ger Jonker; 03-28-2017 at 10:25 AM.
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#5 Old 03-28-2017, 10:02 AM
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If anyone has had enough of these stupid puns, let minnow! --
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"I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
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#6 Old 03-28-2017, 10:37 AM
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What do bananas, Hitler and Trump have in common?

Everything! --
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"I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
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#7 Old 03-28-2017, 01:55 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ger Jonker View Post
What do bananas, Hitler and Trump have in common?

Everything! --
Nope. Everyone loves bananas because they have a peel.
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Anytime I think I'm perfect, I remember that my cousin lives on an island, and I've never walked over to visit her.
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#8 Old 03-28-2017, 04:03 PM
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So, a mushroom walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Hey, we don't serve your kind here," and the mushroom replies, "Whatsamatter? I'm a fungi!"
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"There is more wisdom in the song of a bird, than in the speech of a philosopher...." -Oahspe
"The thing is, you cannot judge a race. Any man who judges by the group is a pea-wit. You take men one at a time." -Buster Kilrain, The Killer Angels -Michael Shaara
"The fact is, none of us truly win, until we all win."
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#9 Old 03-30-2017, 08:27 PM
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Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?

A: Frostbite.
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Anytime I think I'm perfect, I remember that my cousin lives on an island, and I've never walked over to visit her.
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#10 Old 04-19-2017, 08:27 AM
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There are approximately 6,200 miles of blood vessels in an average human body. If you laid all these blood vessels end to end, you would die. --
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"I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Last edited by Ger Jonker; 04-20-2017 at 12:15 AM.
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#11 Old 04-20-2017, 12:35 AM
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Patient with a spear of asparagus stuck up his nose, banana squished in his left ear and a carrot hanging out of his right ear:

"What's wrong with me, doc?

Doctor:

"Hmmm... well, it looks to me that you may not be eating properly."
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"I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
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#12 Old 04-26-2017, 09:17 AM
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Five Dollar Parrot

A potential customer, named Doug, was milling about in a pet shop when he came upon a parrot perched in a cage. A sign attached to the outer part of the cage read: "PARROT FOR SALE -- $5."

"Hello, my name is Conacher," said the parrot, introducing himself. He then continued, "I once resided at Buckingham Palace. I served as royal counsel to Her Majesty there. One day, the Queen gave me away as a gift to Alicia Silverstone, the American actress. I taught Alicia how to get her dogs to go vegan by sharing some avocado-based recipes, that I know of, with her. Alicia Silverstone has a very busy schedule though. She doesn't really have the time to properly take care of me. Anyway, long story short, that's basically how come I ended up here."

Doug was very impressed by the story that the parrot had just told him, so much so, that he immediately raced up to the front of the store and commented to the cashier, "That's SOME bird you've got back there!" He then asked, "How come this parrot is for sale for only five bucks?"

"Aw," replied the cashier, "the bird's a liar."

"I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Last edited by Ger Jonker; 04-27-2017 at 01:45 AM.
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#13 Old 05-01-2017, 01:56 AM
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"Meat is bad for you,"
said the young vegan, lighting
up a cigarette. --

- by Ken Duddle on
www.poetrysoup.com/poems/short/vegan

"I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
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#14 Old 05-05-2017, 01:12 AM
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May 5th

Edgar wakes up in his bed. He looks over at the alarm clock and sees that it's only 5 am. No matter, he decides to get up anyway.

Edgar takes a shower, gets dressed and then goes outside to pick up a newspaper at a box down the block a bit. On his way back, he passes by a woman who is walking five dogs. When he reaches the front yard of his house, he notices that there are exactly five dandelions growing on his lawn. Edgar then goes back into his house and makes himself a coffee. He sees that there are only five packets of monk fruit left to sweeten his coffee with. Anyway, when he is done making his coffee, he takes it with him, sits down at the kitchen table and finally gets around to reading the newspaper that he had just picked up. Edgar sees that today's date is May 5th. He takes note that it's not only the 5th day of the month but that it's also the fifth month of the year.

Later in the day, Edgar decides to play the ponies at the local racetrack. Since everything seems to be coming up fives today, Edgar tries his luck by betting on horse number 5 in the fifth race. Well, wouldn't you know it? The horse comes in fifth.

"I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Last edited by Ger Jonker; 05-05-2017 at 01:14 AM.
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#15 Old 06-20-2017, 07:16 AM
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You should never fart in an Apple Store.

They don't have Windows.
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"I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
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#16 Old 06-28-2017, 08:22 AM
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How many vegans does it take to ---- THAT'S NOT FUNNY!

"I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
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#17 Old 07-03-2017, 08:12 AM
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If your boyfriend is always making you cry, then you've got to ask yourself ---- is he your boyfriend or is he an onion?

"I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
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#18 Old 08-11-2017, 07:49 AM
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Heard at a Media Scrum in the White House

Reporter: "Why do you make so many derogatory remarks about Mexicans, Mr. President?"

President Trump: "I don't wanna taco 'bout it!" --

"I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
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#19 Old 08-14-2017, 08:15 AM
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Ol' Cowpoke: "Yer not one of those gol' darn vegamatarians are ya?"

City Slicker: "A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do."

Ol' Cowpoke: "Well ...ptui! That's good enuff fer me."
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"I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
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#20 Old 08-18-2017, 08:26 AM
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Radish: "How are ya today, cucumber?"

Cucumber: "I'm cool!"
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"I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Last edited by Ger Jonker; 08-18-2017 at 08:33 AM.
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#21 Old 08-18-2017, 08:32 AM
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Grocery Store Humour

Radish #1: "I can see cayenne pepper sitting on the shelf there across the aisle."

Radish #2: "Whoa momma! She's hot!"
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"I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
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#22 Old 08-18-2017, 11:43 AM
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Q: Why can't DJs work in supermarket produce departments?


A: They drop too many beets.


.
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_________

“Under the twinkling trees was a table covered with Guatemalan fabric, roses in juice jars, wax rose candles from Tijuana and plates of food — Weetzie's Vegetable Love-Rice, My Secret Agent Lover Man's guacamole, Dirk's homemade pizza, Duck's fig and berry salad and Surfer Surprise Protein Punch, Brandy-Lynn's pink macaroni, Coyote's cornmeal cakes, Ping's mushu plum crepes and Valentine's Jamaican plantain pie."

from Witch Baby, Francesca Lia Block, 1991
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#23 Old 08-23-2017, 09:54 AM
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Raspberry: "Hey Kiwi! You're really just a big, fat gooseberry. G-O-O-S-E ----- GOOSEBERRY! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!"

Kiwi: "Get lost, stupid razzberry!"

"I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
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#24 Old 08-24-2017, 09:44 AM
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A waitress watches a chef adding and mixing cheese powder to pasta. The pasta sneezes and complains that it is allergic to animal products. Pasta explains that it is to be used to make vegan dishes only. Just then, the waitress takes off to wait on Table #6.

The patron at Table #6 inquires if there are any vegan dishes that can be ordered at the restaurant. The waitress replies, "I think so. The chef is preparing a big batch of mac & sneeze today."
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"I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Last edited by Ger Jonker; 08-24-2017 at 09:48 AM.
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#25 Old 08-24-2017, 08:05 PM
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Q: What did the chickpea say to the lentil?

A: Where have you bean?

.

_________

“Under the twinkling trees was a table covered with Guatemalan fabric, roses in juice jars, wax rose candles from Tijuana and plates of food — Weetzie's Vegetable Love-Rice, My Secret Agent Lover Man's guacamole, Dirk's homemade pizza, Duck's fig and berry salad and Surfer Surprise Protein Punch, Brandy-Lynn's pink macaroni, Coyote's cornmeal cakes, Ping's mushu plum crepes and Valentine's Jamaican plantain pie."

from Witch Baby, Francesca Lia Block, 1991

Last edited by David3; 08-25-2017 at 12:08 PM.
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#26 Old 08-24-2017, 08:09 PM
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Polenta says to Tortilla: "Corn I kiss you?"

Tortilla say to Polenta: "Yes, you maize."
.
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_________

“Under the twinkling trees was a table covered with Guatemalan fabric, roses in juice jars, wax rose candles from Tijuana and plates of food — Weetzie's Vegetable Love-Rice, My Secret Agent Lover Man's guacamole, Dirk's homemade pizza, Duck's fig and berry salad and Surfer Surprise Protein Punch, Brandy-Lynn's pink macaroni, Coyote's cornmeal cakes, Ping's mushu plum crepes and Valentine's Jamaican plantain pie."

from Witch Baby, Francesca Lia Block, 1991
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