How long after divorce before dating again - VeggieBoards
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#1 Old 02-08-2005, 03:38 PM
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I know most of you will say it depends on how I feel on when Im ready. For all of you divorcee's how long did you wait before dating again?
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#2 Old 02-08-2005, 03:46 PM
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3 weeks
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#3 Old 02-08-2005, 03:49 PM
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And I dont know if I should start the time from when I left or when the divorce was final?
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#4 Old 02-08-2005, 04:09 PM
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I wasn't even divorced. I'd been living with my brother for about three weeks before I dated one guy. The next week, I had a one night stand. About three or four months after leaving my X, after I moved from Dallas to Ruidoso, NM, I acquired a temporary boyfriend. When that didn't work out, I had little string of flirtations and indiscretions. That ended, last spring, when I met the guy who's in jail, now. I decided I should give up on dating, when he went to jail. I haven't been with anyone for seven months, now. I know I've finally resolved some of my issues with my past, but I have a long way to go until I can function in a loving relationship. You just can't tell. Lonliness penetrates so deep, sometimes. I try to compensate for that by socialising more, but I never let things go very far. I respect that I jumped into dating way too soon, and wound up covered in bruises, all alone, in Washington, with a criminal record and crying in a parking lot, staring at all my worldly belongings crammed into a banged-up '91 Honda Accord. Give it a little time, maybe a year or more. Don't let loneliness wear you down or cloud your judgement.
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#5 Old 02-08-2005, 04:15 PM
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Yeah thats a hard one for me. The loneliness. I find myself putting up with my X's crap just to have someone over here occationally. I KNOW im being used but I put up with it anyways because Im lonely. Ive gotten way better now and when he comes over, I treat him as just a pal/friend and nothing more. I used to have sex with him just to keep him here longer, but like I said, Im much better now.



Its been since April of 2004 since Ive moved out and June 2004 before divorce was final so my 1 year mark is on the way. Which is why its been on my mind.



When I do start dating again Im going to be reeeeeeeal slow about it because I know about my needy-ness and I know I will make bad choices when Im like that.
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#6 Old 02-08-2005, 04:19 PM
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Lol three weeks...



It's been four years for me. I felt I really wanted to 'have my life in order' before venturing out...particularly because I am a single mom. I wanted to have time to heal, experience real freedom and the ability to travel at my own whims...



Not many people want to wait that long, which is fine...but it was right for me. I've really enjoyed (and will continue to) being single. I'm just starting to date again now. But then I'm VERY independent.



B
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#7 Old 02-08-2005, 04:24 PM
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Im a single mom too which scares me. Actually alot of things scare me. Like before I got married I jumped from one guy to the next but having a daughter made me become scared to do that. Even though I will only see the guy on the weekends she is at her dads and she wont meet them until I know its a good relationship, I dont want to jump anymore because I might get screwed up and introduce them too early.



Ugh. Im not ready yet. I know it. Too much scares me and I dont feel right about it yet.
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#8 Old 02-08-2005, 04:40 PM
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Wait until you do then. It's okay...the time will come when you'll feel right about it. I do now, but didn't before. I now know that my daughter understand what a strong person I am...and that because she sees me being a strong role model, she'll know she also has a strong woman in her.



Rain, I now talk to her about 'having a date', and treat it like a normal experience because I want her to know it's normal for adult people to go on dates and have fun together. That's how I knew it was time...that I'd made the right decision...because I knew I could tell her about it openly and that she (as well as I) was ready to talk about that sort of stuff...and sort it out together. I don't think we should keep these things 'secret' from children...and that if we have to, we probably really aren't ready. (course I don't mean sex...just the act of going on a date).



Take you time...and you know what? Enjoy your time. Treat yourself and your daughter well RIGHT NOW...and I think the right person will come down the pipe when the time comes.



Good luck...feel free to pm me if you ever want to talk. I've been there.



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#9 Old 02-08-2005, 04:45 PM
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Thank you you Beth.



I do have to keep it a secret from her at this moment because she gets attached to everyone she meets in a split second and when things dont work out, and they dont come over anymore, she gets very very sad. When she gets older, hopefully I will be able to talk to her about it.



My daughter is 10. How old is yours?
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#10 Old 02-08-2005, 04:48 PM
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seven. But then she has sort of an ambivalent attitude about men...which we are working on.



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#11 Old 02-08-2005, 04:55 PM
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It took me about two years to seriously get back into the game.
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#12 Old 02-08-2005, 05:07 PM
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My daughter gets attached to anything. man, woman, young, old, animals etc. Then when they are gone she gets extremely upset. So it will be awhile before she can know about whats going on with me.
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#13 Old 02-08-2005, 07:02 PM
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3 weeks for me too. had a son and was preg with the second, so was really nervous bout gettin involved with neone, but when ur ready it jus kinda happens. was only with him for 2 months or so though, more of a rebound thing. been 5 months since i left him and now im working on my 2nd
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#14 Old 02-08-2005, 08:46 PM
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Ah rain...my daughter gets attached to women and children and playmates. But she is always standoffish with men. I know it's due to her Dad and the way he left and that he's not exactly well...dependable as a Dad. So...we just work on having good Guy role models in her life. But that's tough. She kinda thinks all guys are goobers...big and small.



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#15 Old 02-09-2005, 05:43 AM
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My daughter has had great relationships with her ex step dad and has a good one with her real dad so thats probably why she attaches to men too.
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#16 Old 02-09-2005, 06:23 AM
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Madison has an okay relationship with her dad now...but also an innate understanding (I've never offered a bad word about him and have always tried to build on his positive attributes) of who he is. She's a realist in many ways about people.
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#17 Old 02-09-2005, 06:57 AM
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i think the main thing is to wait until you're ready and don't put any numbers on it. too soon is far more dangerous than 'too late'--and i don't think 'too late' really exists. I have noticed that 'too soon' does.



when you have a little one involved, it is much more difficult. you do have to focus on their emotional and developmental needs--that should be one of the top priorities.



good luck to everyone!
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#18 Old 02-09-2005, 07:11 AM
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Too soon can be chaos. For me, I was "in love" within days of dating him, chucked in my college course, flat, friends and sanity and moved hundreds of miles away to live with the new guy. Who turned out to be wonderful, magical and exciting, but also a two timing drug dealer who hit me when he was stoned.

Luckily for me my exhusband rescued me and I stayed with friends until I got my head together. Ugh, nightmare times.
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#19 Old 02-09-2005, 09:02 AM
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I am just filling out the papper work and trying to date. Well nothing serouis, just friendly dates to get me out of the house and moving.

"Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring."
 Marilyn Monroe
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#20 Old 02-09-2005, 12:12 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bethanie View Post

Madison has an okay relationship with her dad now...but also an innate understanding (I've never offered a bad word about him and have always tried to build on his positive attributes) of who he is. She's a realist in many ways about people.





Alexis doesnt have a clue yet as to who he is really. There is alot of behind the scene things that she doesnt know about. Me having to practically drag him to teacher meetings, xmas programs etc. But she doesnt know about that. All she sees is dad being there which is fine with me because he will show is true colors in front of her one day. Ill will just have to be there to catch her when that happens. Ya know? But hopefully he will change before that happens....
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#21 Old 02-09-2005, 12:14 PM
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Originally Posted by zoebird View Post

i think the main thing is to wait until you're ready and don't put any numbers on it. too soon is far more dangerous than 'too late'--and i don't think 'too late' really exists. I have noticed that 'too soon' does.



when you have a little one involved, it is much more difficult. you do have to focus on their emotional and developmental needs--that should be one of the top priorities.



good luck to everyone!





Yeah you are right, there is never really a 'too late' but always is a 'too soon'. Ive had many 'too soon' problems in the past too. So yeah since Im scared, it means Im not ready yet and if I do it right now it would be a 'too soon' situation
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#22 Old 02-09-2005, 06:53 PM
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This is something that I'm really struggling with as well. My son is just a toddler, but I'm very much afraid of getting involved with anyone. For the most part, I'm afraid that I'll have to compromise everything that I've worked for and achieved on my own for a man. I'm just a senior in college, but for the first time in a long while I actually have a very positive and hopeful image of who I'll be in the next couple of years, and I feel like after passing through such an incredibly rough road, my son and I are in the homestretch... I have this dream of moving to San Francisco when I finish college, and starting a fresh new life... we'll finally be self sufficient, have a home to call our own. I'm so excited. But I fear that getting involved with a man will inevitably change all that. When I fall in love I tend to fall HARD, and end up sacrificing my Self and my desires. It happened with my son's father, and my biggest fear is that it'll happen again, and I'll lose everything... only this time my young son will be along for the ride.



I also don't want to have to split my love between my son and someone else. I've never had to do that, and I don't know how I ever will. Since pregnancy my circle has consisted of myself and my son, no one else. We exist as one organism and I don't know if I'll ever be able to comfortably include someone else, or even trust someone else (around my son) for that matter.
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#23 Old 02-09-2005, 06:59 PM
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This is a good conversation. I fall hard too, so for the last four years have been very 'protective' of my life with daughter...which has been awesome.



But then the past year I started thinking something different. I'm an adult. I obviously know how to take care of myself a lot better than I used to when I had the tendency to as you say 'fall hard'. Therefor I think I can handle an adult relationship...with a 'worthy' grown up person.



Plus, I do want my daughter to know that it's normal for adult men and women to interract, for her to see what healthy adult relationships look like, etc.



So now I'm sort of leaning less towards the 'fear' side of the spectrum and more towards the "i'm really ready" side.



In the meantime I've so enjoyed our time as a 'just the two of us' sort of family.



Bethanie
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#24 Old 02-09-2005, 07:41 PM
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This is a good conversation. I fall hard too, so for the last four years have been very 'protective' of my life with daughter...which has been awesome.



But then the past year I started thinking something different. I'm an adult. I obviously know how to take care of myself a lot better than I used to when I had the tendency to as you say 'fall hard'. Therefor I think I can handle an adult relationship...with a 'worthy' grown up person.



Plus, I do want my daughter to know that it's normal for adult men and women to interract, for her to see what healthy adult relationships look like, etc.



So now I'm sort of leaning less towards the 'fear' side of the spectrum and more towards the "i'm really ready" side.



In the meantime I've so enjoyed our time as a 'just the two of us' sort of family.



Bethanie



Yes, I think these situations require a certain level of maturity. But see, being 21, that's exactly what I lack. I do have the maturity to take care of myself and my child, but when it comes to men I can be very childish. Actually, I've never managed to have a decent relationship with a man, not even my own father... I just don't feel like I have the tools yet to do so. This became painfully obvious after my falling out with my son's father, and so I made a decision not to date. Also, my soul's health was so so poor and I knew I couldn't love someone properly (i.e. falling in love without losing myself in the process) so I just abstained. But now I'm finding that my love instincts are starved, and I long for companionship. But then I think of my son, and I know that the time just isn't right. I think I'll do what you did, Bethany. I'm going to wait a couple of years, get comfortable and confident in my own life, and enjoy being a family, even if it's just the two of us... then maybe I'll consider dating here and there, if at all.
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#25 Old 02-09-2005, 08:01 PM
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That's another important thing to remember...'dating here and there'. I think this is a good opportunity to not look at every guy as a perspective husband or the next 'sould mate'. But just have casual dates, where you 'practice' having grown up conversations and fun with a person of the opposite sex without it leading to the bedroom or down the iasle.



I think a lot of women really shortchange what they can do on their own. Men often get a lot more freedom to do this than women who (at least in some regions) are pretty much just expected to get hitched. I think it's so good for women to spend time being independent and knowing they can make a go of life on their own when that situation presents itself.



You sound very healthy and at least very in tuch with the issues you still have and I think that's fantastic. Good luck in school and San Francisco is an AWESOME place to live!



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#26 Old 02-10-2005, 08:45 AM
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I think a lot of women really shortchange what they can do on their own. Men often get a lot more freedom to do this than women who (at least in some regions) are pretty much just expected to get hitched. I think it's so good for women to spend time being independent and knowing they can make a go of life on their own when that situation presents itself.









I'm glad you mentioned this. There is a ton of societal pressure to get "hitched" being geared towards single mothers. I know that among my peers there is definitely a young/teen mama hierarchy where the married mothers are at the very top and the single mothers who can't even find their kid's dads (me) are at the very bottom. There is a definite stigma attached to being a single mother and it seems like marriage is the way to get up the social ladder and into acceptance again. Even on TV and in movies there is always this image of the "poor, heart broken, struggling, single mother" just waiting to be SAVED by a man. And lets not forget all the ads telling us that we must marry or our children will be delinquents, drug addicts, etc.



People are shocked to hear that I actually enjoy being a single mom, and that I don't have any interest or desire to marry. I often get unsolicited "advise" like, "that baby needs a daddy", or "Don't worry you'll get married eventually, just give it time." Blech.



This isn't to say that I consider single parenthood easy, or that I don't desire companionship (or sex), but why is it so offensive for me to want a life of my own, without a man, just because I have a child?
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#27 Old 02-10-2005, 09:32 AM
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I agree but fortunately I havent gotten the "you need to marry" from anyone ..... YET. I do get disrespected by some people for not being married still to her dad. I was married twice actually. To Alexis's dad for 3 years and to my other X for 2 years but we were together for almost 8 years total. But I get those 'looks' when I tell someone ive been married twice or Im divorced (doesnt matter how many times, just that I got a divorce) and then I get treated differently after that or they go ooooh like that explains something for them. My mom even blames my divorces on Alexis's problems (ADHD and ODD) even though she was showing signs back when I was with her dad. (But of course her being so skinny is also blamed on being vegan even though shes been skinny her whole life- even before she became veg)



When youre a single mom, everything is your fault. so you need to go back with your x no matter how horrible he was/is because that is MUCH better than being single mom. Right?
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#28 Old 02-10-2005, 12:56 PM
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here's the thing, too, about 'falling hard' and avoiding that. You need to find someone who doesn't want you to compromise or give up anything.



in another thread somewhere, i mentioned how it's best to find someone who accepts you for who you are (your self-realization) because this person, who accepts himself, wants to you be the yourself (your self-actualized person).



My husband never wants me to compromise myself. Sure, we compromise on bathroom cleaning and going out to dinner. that's little junk. But, we dont compromise on who we are, what our dreams are, what we want out of life, and who we want to be. He has my entire support; I have his.



The right person for you will accept you for who you are, what you want, where you want to live, how you want to live there. You wont' have to divide affections between a SO and a child, you wont' have to give up your dreams. Anyone who asks this is not right for you and will only lead you (and himself) to misery because neither one can truly ever be an 'ideal' that doesn't exist to begin with.



All the best!
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#29 Old 02-10-2005, 04:03 PM
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I agree with you, which is why I feel it will be a long time before I date because those kind of people are few and far between and I will never expect less than someone supporting me ever again. But thats ok though because Im not ready yet lol
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#30 Old 02-11-2005, 01:27 AM
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For me, about a month.
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